A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

The Middle Way is just recognizing desire instead of following or suppressing. When you follow desire, consequences follow, and when you suppress desire, you become stressed. People suppress desire because following it will result in loss, but suppressing it leads to frustration and eventually to an explosion. Explosions result in loss again, so they suppress it, and then explode again, this cycle is repeated constantly. However, simply recognizing desire is not to respond to it at all; neither following nor suppressing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

The Buddha investigated how to solve this problem in-depth. He discovered that the root of the never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is desire. When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy and when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. But once you are free from desire, joy and suffering also disappear. The cycle of joy and suffering ends. But people can\u2019t even imagine becoming free from desire. People can think of only two ways to respond to desire: surrendering or resisting. In the West, these two ways were expressed as Epicureanism and Stoicism. And in India, they were expressed as hedonism and asceticism. The Buddha experienced ultimate pleasure and ultimate self-mortification, and found that neither are the right way toward liberation and nirvana. He discovered a third path, the Middle Way. He followed the Middle Way and attained liberation and nirvana.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Middle Way is just recognizing desire instead of following or suppressing. When you follow desire, consequences follow, and when you suppress desire, you become stressed. People suppress desire because following it will result in loss, but suppressing it leads to frustration and eventually to an explosion. Explosions result in loss again, so they suppress it, and then explode again, this cycle is repeated constantly. However, simply recognizing desire is not to respond to it at all; neither following nor suppressing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

The way of neither following nor suppressing desires<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The Buddha investigated how to solve this problem in-depth. He discovered that the root of the never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is desire. When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy and when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. But once you are free from desire, joy and suffering also disappear. The cycle of joy and suffering ends. But people can\u2019t even imagine becoming free from desire. People can think of only two ways to respond to desire: surrendering or resisting. In the West, these two ways were expressed as Epicureanism and Stoicism. And in India, they were expressed as hedonism and asceticism. The Buddha experienced ultimate pleasure and ultimate self-mortification, and found that neither are the right way toward liberation and nirvana. He discovered a third path, the Middle Way. He followed the Middle Way and attained liberation and nirvana.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Middle Way is just recognizing desire instead of following or suppressing. When you follow desire, consequences follow, and when you suppress desire, you become stressed. People suppress desire because following it will result in loss, but suppressing it leads to frustration and eventually to an explosion. Explosions result in loss again, so they suppress it, and then explode again, this cycle is repeated constantly. However, simply recognizing desire is not to respond to it at all; neither following nor suppressing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

Religions already existed 5,000 years ago. The contemporaries of the Buddha, who lived 2,600 years ago, also tried to solve the contradictions of the world with religion. Religious teachings could comfort people temporarily, like drugs, but couldn\u2019t solve the problems fundamentally.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The way of neither following nor suppressing desires<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The Buddha investigated how to solve this problem in-depth. He discovered that the root of the never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is desire. When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy and when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. But once you are free from desire, joy and suffering also disappear. The cycle of joy and suffering ends. But people can\u2019t even imagine becoming free from desire. People can think of only two ways to respond to desire: surrendering or resisting. In the West, these two ways were expressed as Epicureanism and Stoicism. And in India, they were expressed as hedonism and asceticism. The Buddha experienced ultimate pleasure and ultimate self-mortification, and found that neither are the right way toward liberation and nirvana. He discovered a third path, the Middle Way. He followed the Middle Way and attained liberation and nirvana.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Middle Way is just recognizing desire instead of following or suppressing. When you follow desire, consequences follow, and when you suppress desire, you become stressed. People suppress desire because following it will result in loss, but suppressing it leads to frustration and eventually to an explosion. Explosions result in loss again, so they suppress it, and then explode again, this cycle is repeated constantly. However, simply recognizing desire is not to respond to it at all; neither following nor suppressing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Religions already existed 5,000 years ago. The contemporaries of the Buddha, who lived 2,600 years ago, also tried to solve the contradictions of the world with religion. Religious teachings could comfort people temporarily, like drugs, but couldn\u2019t solve the problems fundamentally.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The way of neither following nor suppressing desires<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The Buddha investigated how to solve this problem in-depth. He discovered that the root of the never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is desire. When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy and when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. But once you are free from desire, joy and suffering also disappear. The cycle of joy and suffering ends. But people can\u2019t even imagine becoming free from desire. People can think of only two ways to respond to desire: surrendering or resisting. In the West, these two ways were expressed as Epicureanism and Stoicism. And in India, they were expressed as hedonism and asceticism. The Buddha experienced ultimate pleasure and ultimate self-mortification, and found that neither are the right way toward liberation and nirvana. He discovered a third path, the Middle Way. He followed the Middle Way and attained liberation and nirvana.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Middle Way is just recognizing desire instead of following or suppressing. When you follow desire, consequences follow, and when you suppress desire, you become stressed. People suppress desire because following it will result in loss, but suppressing it leads to frustration and eventually to an explosion. Explosions result in loss again, so they suppress it, and then explode again, this cycle is repeated constantly. However, simply recognizing desire is not to respond to it at all; neither following nor suppressing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

Society\u2019s current level consumption is even higher than that which is supposedly provided by the ideal world, the heaven that people dreamed of in the past. But we have greater desires now, so we consider our condition no better than hell. We can\u2019t see this contradiction because we only see what we want to achieve. Thinking that they are unhappy because their abilities or efforts are not sufficient, people try to get what they want by asking a powerful third party. As a result, religions that contain elements of asking help from almighty gods came to exist.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Religions already existed 5,000 years ago. The contemporaries of the Buddha, who lived 2,600 years ago, also tried to solve the contradictions of the world with religion. Religious teachings could comfort people temporarily, like drugs, but couldn\u2019t solve the problems fundamentally.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The way of neither following nor suppressing desires<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The Buddha investigated how to solve this problem in-depth. He discovered that the root of the never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is desire. When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy and when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. But once you are free from desire, joy and suffering also disappear. The cycle of joy and suffering ends. But people can\u2019t even imagine becoming free from desire. People can think of only two ways to respond to desire: surrendering or resisting. In the West, these two ways were expressed as Epicureanism and Stoicism. And in India, they were expressed as hedonism and asceticism. The Buddha experienced ultimate pleasure and ultimate self-mortification, and found that neither are the right way toward liberation and nirvana. He discovered a third path, the Middle Way. He followed the Middle Way and attained liberation and nirvana.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Middle Way is just recognizing desire instead of following or suppressing. When you follow desire, consequences follow, and when you suppress desire, you become stressed. People suppress desire because following it will result in loss, but suppressing it leads to frustration and eventually to an explosion. Explosions result in loss again, so they suppress it, and then explode again, this cycle is repeated constantly. However, simply recognizing desire is not to respond to it at all; neither following nor suppressing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy briefly. But, when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. As there is no end to desire, you experience joy and suffering repeatedly. The Buddha said that this never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is the inevitable contradiction and limit of human life. Joy and suffering can\u2019t be divided. Yesterday\u2019s suffering can turn into today\u2019s joy and today\u2019s joy can turn into tomorrow\u2019s suffering. Since people don\u2019t know this principle, they want to live in a world filled with joy and devoid of suffering, thinking that it is possible to live in such a world. However, this is not possible in real life, so they wish to be born in such a world after they die. Therefore, every religion has an ideal world called heaven or paradise.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Society\u2019s current level consumption is even higher than that which is supposedly provided by the ideal world, the heaven that people dreamed of in the past. But we have greater desires now, so we consider our condition no better than hell. We can\u2019t see this contradiction because we only see what we want to achieve. Thinking that they are unhappy because their abilities or efforts are not sufficient, people try to get what they want by asking a powerful third party. As a result, religions that contain elements of asking help from almighty gods came to exist.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Religions already existed 5,000 years ago. The contemporaries of the Buddha, who lived 2,600 years ago, also tried to solve the contradictions of the world with religion. Religious teachings could comfort people temporarily, like drugs, but couldn\u2019t solve the problems fundamentally.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The way of neither following nor suppressing desires<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The Buddha investigated how to solve this problem in-depth. He discovered that the root of the never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is desire. When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy and when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. But once you are free from desire, joy and suffering also disappear. The cycle of joy and suffering ends. But people can\u2019t even imagine becoming free from desire. People can think of only two ways to respond to desire: surrendering or resisting. In the West, these two ways were expressed as Epicureanism and Stoicism. And in India, they were expressed as hedonism and asceticism. The Buddha experienced ultimate pleasure and ultimate self-mortification, and found that neither are the right way toward liberation and nirvana. He discovered a third path, the Middle Way. He followed the Middle Way and attained liberation and nirvana.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Middle Way is just recognizing desire instead of following or suppressing. When you follow desire, consequences follow, and when you suppress desire, you become stressed. People suppress desire because following it will result in loss, but suppressing it leads to frustration and eventually to an explosion. Explosions result in loss again, so they suppress it, and then explode again, this cycle is repeated constantly. However, simply recognizing desire is not to respond to it at all; neither following nor suppressing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

Why am I saying that people are going in the wrong direction? People in the world consider the good feelings they have when things go their way to be happiness. They consider the bad feeling they have when things don\u2019t go their way to be unhappiness. And they think that doing whatever they want is freedom and not doing what they want is bondage. These are ordinary people\u2019s concepts of happiness and freedom. However, in real life, these values can\u2019t be realized.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy briefly. But, when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. As there is no end to desire, you experience joy and suffering repeatedly. The Buddha said that this never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is the inevitable contradiction and limit of human life. Joy and suffering can\u2019t be divided. Yesterday\u2019s suffering can turn into today\u2019s joy and today\u2019s joy can turn into tomorrow\u2019s suffering. Since people don\u2019t know this principle, they want to live in a world filled with joy and devoid of suffering, thinking that it is possible to live in such a world. However, this is not possible in real life, so they wish to be born in such a world after they die. Therefore, every religion has an ideal world called heaven or paradise.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Society\u2019s current level consumption is even higher than that which is supposedly provided by the ideal world, the heaven that people dreamed of in the past. But we have greater desires now, so we consider our condition no better than hell. We can\u2019t see this contradiction because we only see what we want to achieve. Thinking that they are unhappy because their abilities or efforts are not sufficient, people try to get what they want by asking a powerful third party. As a result, religions that contain elements of asking help from almighty gods came to exist.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Religions already existed 5,000 years ago. The contemporaries of the Buddha, who lived 2,600 years ago, also tried to solve the contradictions of the world with religion. Religious teachings could comfort people temporarily, like drugs, but couldn\u2019t solve the problems fundamentally.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The way of neither following nor suppressing desires<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The Buddha investigated how to solve this problem in-depth. He discovered that the root of the never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is desire. When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy and when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. But once you are free from desire, joy and suffering also disappear. The cycle of joy and suffering ends. But people can\u2019t even imagine becoming free from desire. People can think of only two ways to respond to desire: surrendering or resisting. In the West, these two ways were expressed as Epicureanism and Stoicism. And in India, they were expressed as hedonism and asceticism. The Buddha experienced ultimate pleasure and ultimate self-mortification, and found that neither are the right way toward liberation and nirvana. He discovered a third path, the Middle Way. He followed the Middle Way and attained liberation and nirvana.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Middle Way is just recognizing desire instead of following or suppressing. When you follow desire, consequences follow, and when you suppress desire, you become stressed. People suppress desire because following it will result in loss, but suppressing it leads to frustration and eventually to an explosion. Explosions result in loss again, so they suppress it, and then explode again, this cycle is repeated constantly. However, simply recognizing desire is not to respond to it at all; neither following nor suppressing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

Everybody wants to be free and happy but they are not. It is not because it is impossible to be free and happy, but because they are going in the wrong direction. As they are going in the wrong direction, they can\u2019t reach their destination no matter how steadfastly they walk.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why am I saying that people are going in the wrong direction? People in the world consider the good feelings they have when things go their way to be happiness. They consider the bad feeling they have when things don\u2019t go their way to be unhappiness. And they think that doing whatever they want is freedom and not doing what they want is bondage. These are ordinary people\u2019s concepts of happiness and freedom. However, in real life, these values can\u2019t be realized.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy briefly. But, when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. As there is no end to desire, you experience joy and suffering repeatedly. The Buddha said that this never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is the inevitable contradiction and limit of human life. Joy and suffering can\u2019t be divided. Yesterday\u2019s suffering can turn into today\u2019s joy and today\u2019s joy can turn into tomorrow\u2019s suffering. Since people don\u2019t know this principle, they want to live in a world filled with joy and devoid of suffering, thinking that it is possible to live in such a world. However, this is not possible in real life, so they wish to be born in such a world after they die. Therefore, every religion has an ideal world called heaven or paradise.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Society\u2019s current level consumption is even higher than that which is supposedly provided by the ideal world, the heaven that people dreamed of in the past. But we have greater desires now, so we consider our condition no better than hell. We can\u2019t see this contradiction because we only see what we want to achieve. Thinking that they are unhappy because their abilities or efforts are not sufficient, people try to get what they want by asking a powerful third party. As a result, religions that contain elements of asking help from almighty gods came to exist.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Religions already existed 5,000 years ago. The contemporaries of the Buddha, who lived 2,600 years ago, also tried to solve the contradictions of the world with religion. Religious teachings could comfort people temporarily, like drugs, but couldn\u2019t solve the problems fundamentally.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The way of neither following nor suppressing desires<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The Buddha investigated how to solve this problem in-depth. He discovered that the root of the never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is desire. When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy and when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. But once you are free from desire, joy and suffering also disappear. The cycle of joy and suffering ends. But people can\u2019t even imagine becoming free from desire. People can think of only two ways to respond to desire: surrendering or resisting. In the West, these two ways were expressed as Epicureanism and Stoicism. And in India, they were expressed as hedonism and asceticism. The Buddha experienced ultimate pleasure and ultimate self-mortification, and found that neither are the right way toward liberation and nirvana. He discovered a third path, the Middle Way. He followed the Middle Way and attained liberation and nirvana.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Middle Way is just recognizing desire instead of following or suppressing. When you follow desire, consequences follow, and when you suppress desire, you become stressed. People suppress desire because following it will result in loss, but suppressing it leads to frustration and eventually to an explosion. Explosions result in loss again, so they suppress it, and then explode again, this cycle is repeated constantly. However, simply recognizing desire is not to respond to it at all; neither following nor suppressing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

The reason why people are unhappy no matter how hard they try to be happy<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Everybody wants to be free and happy but they are not. It is not because it is impossible to be free and happy, but because they are going in the wrong direction. As they are going in the wrong direction, they can\u2019t reach their destination no matter how steadfastly they walk.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why am I saying that people are going in the wrong direction? People in the world consider the good feelings they have when things go their way to be happiness. They consider the bad feeling they have when things don\u2019t go their way to be unhappiness. And they think that doing whatever they want is freedom and not doing what they want is bondage. These are ordinary people\u2019s concepts of happiness and freedom. However, in real life, these values can\u2019t be realized.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy briefly. But, when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. As there is no end to desire, you experience joy and suffering repeatedly. The Buddha said that this never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is the inevitable contradiction and limit of human life. Joy and suffering can\u2019t be divided. Yesterday\u2019s suffering can turn into today\u2019s joy and today\u2019s joy can turn into tomorrow\u2019s suffering. Since people don\u2019t know this principle, they want to live in a world filled with joy and devoid of suffering, thinking that it is possible to live in such a world. However, this is not possible in real life, so they wish to be born in such a world after they die. Therefore, every religion has an ideal world called heaven or paradise.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Society\u2019s current level consumption is even higher than that which is supposedly provided by the ideal world, the heaven that people dreamed of in the past. But we have greater desires now, so we consider our condition no better than hell. We can\u2019t see this contradiction because we only see what we want to achieve. Thinking that they are unhappy because their abilities or efforts are not sufficient, people try to get what they want by asking a powerful third party. As a result, religions that contain elements of asking help from almighty gods came to exist.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Religions already existed 5,000 years ago. The contemporaries of the Buddha, who lived 2,600 years ago, also tried to solve the contradictions of the world with religion. Religious teachings could comfort people temporarily, like drugs, but couldn\u2019t solve the problems fundamentally.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The way of neither following nor suppressing desires<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The Buddha investigated how to solve this problem in-depth. He discovered that the root of the never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is desire. When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy and when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. But once you are free from desire, joy and suffering also disappear. The cycle of joy and suffering ends. But people can\u2019t even imagine becoming free from desire. People can think of only two ways to respond to desire: surrendering or resisting. In the West, these two ways were expressed as Epicureanism and Stoicism. And in India, they were expressed as hedonism and asceticism. The Buddha experienced ultimate pleasure and ultimate self-mortification, and found that neither are the right way toward liberation and nirvana. He discovered a third path, the Middle Way. He followed the Middle Way and attained liberation and nirvana.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Middle Way is just recognizing desire instead of following or suppressing. When you follow desire, consequences follow, and when you suppress desire, you become stressed. People suppress desire because following it will result in loss, but suppressing it leads to frustration and eventually to an explosion. Explosions result in loss again, so they suppress it, and then explode again, this cycle is repeated constantly. However, simply recognizing desire is not to respond to it at all; neither following nor suppressing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The reason why people are unhappy no matter how hard they try to be happy<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Everybody wants to be free and happy but they are not. It is not because it is impossible to be free and happy, but because they are going in the wrong direction. As they are going in the wrong direction, they can\u2019t reach their destination no matter how steadfastly they walk.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why am I saying that people are going in the wrong direction? People in the world consider the good feelings they have when things go their way to be happiness. They consider the bad feeling they have when things don\u2019t go their way to be unhappiness. And they think that doing whatever they want is freedom and not doing what they want is bondage. These are ordinary people\u2019s concepts of happiness and freedom. However, in real life, these values can\u2019t be realized.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy briefly. But, when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. As there is no end to desire, you experience joy and suffering repeatedly. The Buddha said that this never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is the inevitable contradiction and limit of human life. Joy and suffering can\u2019t be divided. Yesterday\u2019s suffering can turn into today\u2019s joy and today\u2019s joy can turn into tomorrow\u2019s suffering. Since people don\u2019t know this principle, they want to live in a world filled with joy and devoid of suffering, thinking that it is possible to live in such a world. However, this is not possible in real life, so they wish to be born in such a world after they die. Therefore, every religion has an ideal world called heaven or paradise.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Society\u2019s current level consumption is even higher than that which is supposedly provided by the ideal world, the heaven that people dreamed of in the past. But we have greater desires now, so we consider our condition no better than hell. We can\u2019t see this contradiction because we only see what we want to achieve. Thinking that they are unhappy because their abilities or efforts are not sufficient, people try to get what they want by asking a powerful third party. As a result, religions that contain elements of asking help from almighty gods came to exist.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Religions already existed 5,000 years ago. The contemporaries of the Buddha, who lived 2,600 years ago, also tried to solve the contradictions of the world with religion. Religious teachings could comfort people temporarily, like drugs, but couldn\u2019t solve the problems fundamentally.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The way of neither following nor suppressing desires<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The Buddha investigated how to solve this problem in-depth. He discovered that the root of the never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is desire. When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy and when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. But once you are free from desire, joy and suffering also disappear. The cycle of joy and suffering ends. But people can\u2019t even imagine becoming free from desire. People can think of only two ways to respond to desire: surrendering or resisting. In the West, these two ways were expressed as Epicureanism and Stoicism. And in India, they were expressed as hedonism and asceticism. The Buddha experienced ultimate pleasure and ultimate self-mortification, and found that neither are the right way toward liberation and nirvana. He discovered a third path, the Middle Way. He followed the Middle Way and attained liberation and nirvana.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Middle Way is just recognizing desire instead of following or suppressing. When you follow desire, consequences follow, and when you suppress desire, you become stressed. People suppress desire because following it will result in loss, but suppressing it leads to frustration and eventually to an explosion. Explosions result in loss again, so they suppress it, and then explode again, this cycle is repeated constantly. However, simply recognizing desire is not to respond to it at all; neither following nor suppressing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n","post_title":"My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"my-20-something-son-spends-most-of-his-time-at-home-watching-youtube-videos-and-playing-computer-games-what-should-i-do-about-him","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 13:48:13","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 18:48:13","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19792","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"}],"next":false,"prev":false,"total_page":1},"paged":1,"column_class":"jeg_col_2o3","class":"jnews_block_37"};

\n

Meditation is not about training in techniques, such as how to sit or how to breathe. The most important goal of meditation is to move toward liberation and nirvana. Liberation means freedom from all fetters. Nirvana means happiness without suffering. In other words, liberation and nirvana is a state of sustainable freedom and happiness in which the endless cycle of joy and suffering is ended.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The reason why people are unhappy no matter how hard they try to be happy<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Everybody wants to be free and happy but they are not. It is not because it is impossible to be free and happy, but because they are going in the wrong direction. As they are going in the wrong direction, they can\u2019t reach their destination no matter how steadfastly they walk.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why am I saying that people are going in the wrong direction? People in the world consider the good feelings they have when things go their way to be happiness. They consider the bad feeling they have when things don\u2019t go their way to be unhappiness. And they think that doing whatever they want is freedom and not doing what they want is bondage. These are ordinary people\u2019s concepts of happiness and freedom. However, in real life, these values can\u2019t be realized.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy briefly. But, when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. As there is no end to desire, you experience joy and suffering repeatedly. The Buddha said that this never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is the inevitable contradiction and limit of human life. Joy and suffering can\u2019t be divided. Yesterday\u2019s suffering can turn into today\u2019s joy and today\u2019s joy can turn into tomorrow\u2019s suffering. Since people don\u2019t know this principle, they want to live in a world filled with joy and devoid of suffering, thinking that it is possible to live in such a world. However, this is not possible in real life, so they wish to be born in such a world after they die. Therefore, every religion has an ideal world called heaven or paradise.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Society\u2019s current level consumption is even higher than that which is supposedly provided by the ideal world, the heaven that people dreamed of in the past. But we have greater desires now, so we consider our condition no better than hell. We can\u2019t see this contradiction because we only see what we want to achieve. Thinking that they are unhappy because their abilities or efforts are not sufficient, people try to get what they want by asking a powerful third party. As a result, religions that contain elements of asking help from almighty gods came to exist.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Religions already existed 5,000 years ago. The contemporaries of the Buddha, who lived 2,600 years ago, also tried to solve the contradictions of the world with religion. Religious teachings could comfort people temporarily, like drugs, but couldn\u2019t solve the problems fundamentally.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The way of neither following nor suppressing desires<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The Buddha investigated how to solve this problem in-depth. He discovered that the root of the never-ending cycle of joy and suffering is desire. When your desires are fulfilled, you feel joy and when your desires are not fulfilled, you suffer. But once you are free from desire, joy and suffering also disappear. The cycle of joy and suffering ends. But people can\u2019t even imagine becoming free from desire. People can think of only two ways to respond to desire: surrendering or resisting. In the West, these two ways were expressed as Epicureanism and Stoicism. And in India, they were expressed as hedonism and asceticism. The Buddha experienced ultimate pleasure and ultimate self-mortification, and found that neither are the right way toward liberation and nirvana. He discovered a third path, the Middle Way. He followed the Middle Way and attained liberation and nirvana.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Middle Way is just recognizing desire instead of following or suppressing. When you follow desire, consequences follow, and when you suppress desire, you become stressed. People suppress desire because following it will result in loss, but suppressing it leads to frustration and eventually to an explosion. Explosions result in loss again, so they suppress it, and then explode again, this cycle is repeated constantly. However, simply recognizing desire is not to respond to it at all; neither following nor suppressing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

True freedom is to be free from desire by recognizing it. Then, from where does desire arise? The root of desire is karma. When your karma comes into contact with an external situation, a feeling arises, and based on that feeling, a desire arises. Each person has different karma, so each person has different desires.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some people have a strong desire for money, whereas others have no desire for money. Some people have a strong desire for food, whereas others don\u2019t care much about food and they can eat anything offered, like an ascetic. Different people have different desires. This gives us hope even though it seems impossible for humans to be free from desire. Because even ordinary people are free from some desires. Therefore, we can see that becoming free from desires is not impossible and anyone can do it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We seem to live our life but in fact our life is the automatic reactions of our karma. Based on each reaction, a desire arises within us and then we act on the desire. In other words, our life is a perpetual repetition of karma and desire. People think that they are unhappy because of some external circumstances, but it is only a secondary and partial reason. When we are free from desire, we seldom suffer or feel fettered.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Observing the precepts is essential to becoming free from desire and karma<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Then how can we be free from our desires and karma? We are meditating now to achieve this freedom. However, wanting to be free from desire while eating whatever you want to eat, lying down when you want to lie down, and doing whatever you want to do is contradictory. In addition to the desires for food and sleep, we have other serious karma. Even if we are free from the desires for food and sleep, attaining liberation will be hard. As such, wishing for liberation without even achieving this much is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

For example, let\u2019s say I have a habit of smoking. I am not saying that smoking is bad but not being able to quit smoking while pursuing liberation and nirvana is contradictory. How can I be free from karma that has been formed through infinity if I can\u2019t even quit smoking, a habit that is only several years or decades old? That is why anyone who wishes to move toward liberation and nirvana needs to observe the precepts. We need to value and observe the precepts. Practicing to attain liberation and nirvana while not observing the precepts is contradictory.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A slave is forced to do something and a master takes the lead<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Yesterday, I recommended that you voluntarily follow the rules to control desires, instead of worrying about what others might think of you if you don\u2019t follow them. If you observe the precepts voluntarily, they are not restraints. Jesus said: \u201cIf anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles,\u201d \u201cIf someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them,\u201d and \u201cIf someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also.\u201d Have a willing mind like this. If you are forced to do something, you are a slave but if you take the lead, you are a master.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if there is no restriction on food, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will eat a little because I won\u2019t need much energy while meditating,\u201d and even if there is no restriction on lying down, I recommend you to decide: \u201cI will lie down only during the designated hours while I am participating in the practice to be free from desire.\u201d If you decide like this voluntarily, you won\u2019t feel restricted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","post_title":"The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy","post_excerpt":"","post_status":"publish","comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","post_password":"","post_name":"the-reason-why-people-are-unhappy-no-matter-how-hard-they-try-to-be-happy-2","to_ping":"","pinged":"","post_modified":"2024-07-14 14:40:41","post_modified_gmt":"2024-07-14 19:40:41","post_content_filtered":"","post_parent":0,"guid":"https:\/\/www.jungtosociety.org\/?p=19801","menu_order":0,"post_type":"post","post_mime_type":"","comment_count":"0","filter":"raw"},{"ID":19792,"post_author":"40","post_date":"2024-08-06 13:05:31","post_date_gmt":"2024-08-06 18:05:31","post_content":"\n

Q<\/strong>: My son, who was diagnosed with a borderline mental disability and ADHD, is now in his 20s and spends most of his time at home watching YouTube videos and playing computer games. I have asked him to move out in a month\u2019s time, thinking that living at home isn\u2019t really helpful for him, but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s right to make my son, who has disabilities, move out and I\u2019m also worried that something might happen to him when he\u2019s on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: When a hen is raising chicks, she attacks anyone who comes close instead of running away. When protecting her babies, she doesn\u2019t run away even if she is beaten with a stick. She risks being beaten and keeps attacking. Such a nature ensures the survival of the species. If a mother runs away, abandoning her babies in the face of danger, they won\u2019t survive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In normal times, however, the chicken is not the kind of animal to attack people. If a person approaches when they are not raising chicks, they run away. They run away because of their survival instinct. It is a self-preservation instinct. But when they have chicks, they act totally differently. The instinct to preserve the species takes precedence over self-preservation. It is because the survival of the species depends on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, when the chicks start to lose their down feathers and grow adult feathers, the mother hen no longer protects them, even if they are not yet fully grown. They are still her babies, but she doesn\u2019t protect them even when people try to catch them. When the chicks have the appearance of full-grown chickens, both the mother hen and her offspring behave based solely on the self-preservation instinct. They go their separate ways, as if to say: \u201cI am I and you are you.\u201d All animals risk their lives to protect their babies from danger. But when their babies grow past a certain point, they go their separate ways. Even if the babies are not yet fully grown and just past puberty in human terms, mothers don\u2019t risk their lives to protect them even when predators attack.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Humans should be the same. When a child is very young, the mother should protect him at any cost. When he grows up, she doesn\u2019t have to take care of him. But until the child reaches the age of three, she should take care of him no matter what, and should continue to take care of him until he becomes an adult. But once the child becomes an adult, the mother and the child should be independent of each other. This is the law of nature. Anything against the law of nature is a disease. Not providing loving care to a very young child is a disease, and attaching to and overprotecting an adult child is also a disease. If a parent has this disease, it could result in the parent hating the child or the child hating the parent. There is no such thing in nature. In the animal world, no parent complains that being a parent is tough. The child must be protected, so even while the mother is dying in order to protect the child, she doesn\u2019t think, \u201cI am dying because of my baby.\u201d A mother dog doesn\u2019t think that raising six puppies is hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone experiencing a difficult parent-child relationship has a hard time psychologically, not physically. Especially these days, more parents seem to lack the instinct to protect their young children, and seem to be unable to stop being attached to their adult children. As a result, the relationship between parent and child is becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a child is very young, the parent should take care of the child. A parent who complains that raising a child is difficult is either lacking maternal or paternal instincts, or not wanting to fulfill the role of a parent. On the other hand, a parent who is carrying the heavy burden of caring for an adult child is overprotecting the child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we use nature as a baseline, humans should do as animals do and a little more than them. Animals risk their lives only for their own babies, but humans take care of their children even if they are not their own. Animals don\u2019t take care of their aged parents but humans take care of old people even if they are not their parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Taking care of someone because he or she is your child and taking care of someone because he or she is sick, old, or young is different. Taking care of an adult son because he is your child is attachment. Taking care of him because he needs care and not because he is your child is not attachment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can take care of your son as if you take care of a child next door who needs help, it is all right. No suffering will arise in you if you can take care of him like that, thinking: \u201cI shall take care of him since there is no one else.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet. You are suffering because you are attached to the idea that he is your child and worry, \u201cShould I take care of him?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide not to take care of your son and tell him, \u201cYou are a grownup now and you need to be independent,\u201d you shouldn\u2019t care whether he leaves home and dies or gets sick. Only then, you won\u2019t suffer. But you worry about if your son gets hurt or has an accident when he leaves home, so I think you are not ready to make him move out yet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you decide to get a divorce, you shouldn\u2019t regret it even if your husband dies in a car accident the day after your divorce. If something like that happens, most of us feel regret: \u201cIf I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn\u2019t have divorced him.\u201d If the path you have chosen is the right one, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens after that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cEven if I had to choose again, I would make the same choice. My husband died because of a car accident and his death had nothing to do with the divorce.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your position is clear like this, you won\u2019t feel regret. It is all right for you to help your son when he is in need. It is all right if you can help him, thinking, \u201cI will help even strangers if they are in need, so I will help my son when he is in need.\u201d But I think you haven\u2019t reached that level yet because you are worrying already, \u201cWhat if something happens to him?\u201d At your level, there is no other way but to carry him on your shoulders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you live with him and carry him on your shoulders or should you make him move out? There is no right answer to this question. If you decide to protect him and live with him, you have to accept the consequences of that decision, and if you decide to make him move out, you have to accept the consequences of that decision. You want to make him move out because it is a lot of work to take care of him, but you hold onto him because you are afraid that something might happen to him when he leaves home. Because of this, it will also be difficult for him to come to his senses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a problem like this occurs, you ask: \u201cShould I make my son move out or let him stay?\u201d But this is not the point. The point is that you shouldn\u2019t regret whether you make him move out or let him stay. If parents continue to take care of their adult child, wouldn\u2019t he or she want to be under the protection of his or her parents until they die?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, maybe that is why he plays games without doing anything else?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: If someone has broken their legs or is blind, you need to protect them even if they are not related to you. Anyone who has disabilities severe enough to require care, you need to take care of that person, then why can\u2019t you take care of your own child? While taking care of someone like that, however, you shouldn\u2019t say: \u201cThis person only plays games without doing anything else.\u201d If you are going to take care of your son, you have to accept him as he is. If you are going to make him move out, you shouldn\u2019t feel regret, no matter what happens, and see him as another human being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I say this, you will say, \u201cSunim, how can a person do that?\u201d You are right. You can\u2019t do that and that is why your life is hard. So you can\u2019t help but live in fear all your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Then, should I pray, \u201cI will accept any situation as it is\u201d?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P<\/strong>: Why do you need to pray? What you need to do is make a decision. As you use the word \u201cpray\u201d like that, you tend to seek blessings. Seeking blessings is to think that if you do certain things, good things will happen to you. What you are asking is the same as asking like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I pray, \u2018Spring is good, summer is good, winter is good, all seasons are good,\u2019 then will it be always spring?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just as your head knows that summer is good and winter is also good after listening to my Dharma talk, but you think, \u201cStill spring is the best\u201d in your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your worry never ends because you think: \u201cIf I take care of my son, his illness should be cured and he should listen to me,\u201d and \u201cThere should be no accidents when my son lives on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know the exact condition of your son, so ask an expert. If the expert says, \u201cHis condition requires care,\u201d either you can take care of him or send him to a care facility. If the expert says his condition is not that serious and he can live independently, albeit with some difficulties, you can make a decision based on the diagnosis. A person who has lost a leg or eyesight in one eye doesn\u2019t necessarily require care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But if you choose to take care of someone who is perfectly normal because you like to, it has nothing to do with his or her condition or situation. However, most of us take care of someone and then begrudge them later. This is because our perspective on practice is wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not saying, \u201cYou should do this because you are a child,\u201d or \u201cYou should do this because you are a parent.\u201d You yourself can decide. My point is not about whether you should take care of someone or not, it\u2019s about asking yourself: \u201cWhat do I need to do so that I can be free from suffering?\u201d There is a way\u2014even for a parent with a disabled child, a widow, or an elderly person living alone\u2014to live without suffering. I am talking about the way to live under any circumstances, whether it is spring, summer, fall, or winter. But you seem to interpret what I say as you please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The reason I am having this conversation with you is to talk about liberation and nirvana. I am talking about how we can attain liberation and nirvana and not about the way to be rich, to have a harmonious family relationship, to be successful, to be famous, to be healthy, or to live long. However, assuming that there are fixed ways to do things, you ask questions such as \u201cWhat do I need to do to live long?\u201d So if my Dharma talk agrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim is great.\u201d But if it disagrees with your opinion, you say, \u201cSunim says unreasonable things.\u201d So I don\u2019t pay too much attention to what you say about me. I don\u2019t pay much attention whether you clap your hands and say \u201dSunim, you are great,\u201d or if you criticize me. It is because you say whatever you want; it has nothing to do with me. Even if you now say, \u201cPomnyun Sunim is great!\u201d if I happen to say something disagreeable to you, you will say right away, \u201cThat is not right!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you think, \u201cParents should be such and such,\u201d and \u201cChildren should be so and so,\u201d your life will be caught in the net of ethics and morals. In life you make choices and take responsibility for the choices you make. If you give birth to a child, you should take care of her until she becomes an adult, making whatever sacrifice you need to make. If you can\u2019t take care of her, you need to get help from others. And when she becomes an adult, you have to respect her as an adult and an individual. You don\u2019t own your children. People mistakenly think that they own their children, so things like killing one\u2019s own children happen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People yell at their five-year-old child or hit their seven-year-old child because they are upset. Your child shouldn\u2019t be the target of your anger. The problem is that people mistakenly think that their children belong to them because they gave birth to them, just as they consider the things they made theirs. Parents can\u2019t let go of their worries until they die because they are attached to and feel anxious about their children, even after they\u2019ve grown up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you ask a question, you should know of whom you are asking the question. You are asking me a question. I am a person in pursuit of liberation and nirvana. I am a person whose goal is to move toward a state of no suffering under all circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Q<\/strong>: Yes, thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Home Tag liberation

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Meditation

The Reason Why People Are Unhappy No Matter How Hard They Try To Be Happy

August 27, 2024

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My 20-Something Son Spends Most Of His Time At Home Watching YouTube Videos And Playing Computer Games. What Should I Do About Him?

August 6, 2024

44

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