“My parents suddenly passed away due to the Coronavirus. My mom died while being treated in the hospital. My dad was discharged from the hospital after making a full recovery, but took his own life the next day. How can I overcome my grief?”
“You must be in a lot of pain after your parents passed away so suddenly. May their souls be blessed.”
Sunim made a short prayer of blessing for the departed souls. He then gave a dharma talk for the person who asked the question.
“Over 1.9 million lives worldwide have been taken by the Coronavirus. They say that such harm is unforeseen even in a world war scenario. Perhaps we are in a quiet state of war. In life, we encounter all sorts of unforeseen, unwanted events like this. Parents may pass away in a sudden car accident, or die due to an illness.
In order to overcome this grief
Ask yourself, “Is the pain due to the parents’ passing away?” If so, then the only way to overcome the sorrow would be for the parents to come back to life. Since that cannot happen, you would be resigned to a perpetual state of grief.
To overcome the grief, you must recognize the misperception that it is your parents’ passing that caused your sadness.
Allow me to explain by example. Let us suppose that someone I knew died in India. If he/she had passed away but I had yet heard the news of his/her passing, I would experience no sadness. Conversely, if he had not passed away but it was miscommunicated to me that he/she had, then I would experience sadness. When we examine this, we can see that what gives rise to grief is not the person’s death but the input of the information that the person died.
Here is another example. If a person were diagnosed with cancer and were told that he/she had one year left to live, he/she would be sad. Does the fact that the person only has a year left make him/her sad? No, it does not. The sadness comes from the recognition that there’s only one year left to live. There are plenty of people without cancer who will die within a year, but they are not thinking about that; hence they are not sad.
The first method for overcoming grief is to see the truth as it is. This is to free oneself from the sorrow through the Buddha’s teachings. The grief appears to be coming from the parents’ deaths, but it actually originates from the loss of something that you hold dear to the heart. We cannot forever hold on to what we cherish. The Pali term for that is ‘anicca’. We need to correctly understand that none of our possessions or relationships are eternal. When we squarely recognize that nothing is eternal or unchanging, we can be free from the sense of loss.
The second approach is a religious one. The loss of death has been the greatest source of pain for humans since the ancient times because no one knows what happens afterwards. In order to overcome the grief, people started to believe that life must continue after death.
Two specific scenarios stand out. One is that the dead would go to a better place, called “heaven” or “paradise.” The idea is that the departed went to a better place, so there’s no need to be sad. The people of the Indian subcontinent came up with an even better idea; one where the dead are reborn. Going to a better place presents the loss of being far apart, whereas being reborn back into this world greatly reduces such a sense of loss.
Whether it is true or not is not important. What’s important is that such belief systems can reduce the grief surrounding death.
If you were to examine this grief using a religious approach, you may find that there is no need to be overly sad because your parents went to a better place. Based on this belief system, grieving too much actually might hold your parents back from going to the better place. There is the following saying.
‘When a child continues to sorrowfully call after a deceased parent, the departed soul, in its inability to leave or stay, becomes a lonely ghost that wanders the empty space.’
So no matter the reason for their passing, we should allow them to move on to a better place by bidding farewell.
‘Goodbye’.
It is best to say goodbye to them and let them go in no time. Such is the religious approach
The Zen approach is a bit different. Right now, it hurts a lot since the parents have passed. But in about a year, the sorrow will subside and things will be better. After another year, things will get even better. After the third year, you will live your life smiling. It’s not that the parents will come back to life after three years. The situation itself will not change, but after three years you will get better. Which one is better, getting better after three years of sorrow or getting better now?”
“Getting better now.”
“Understanding that allows you to smile now. I will ask again, are you sad now?”
“Yes.”
“Will you be sad in three years?”
“Things will be better by then.”
“Which one is better, getting better after three years of sorrow, or getting better now?”
“…”
“If you had grasped something in the conversation that we just had, your face would have lit up and said ‘Ah, there is no sorrow.’ Such is Zen.
You are an adult. Parents pass away at some point or another. It is impossible to live with them forever. Most of the elderly folks say that they would prefer to pass away quickly, without any pain. Considering that, passing away suddenly or due to an acute illness has its benefits for the deceased.
But the remaining family members are not ready for the separation, so a sudden death turns into great sorrow. However, the grief is not a problem on your parents’ part who have passed away but a problem on your part since you were unprepared. Instead of viewing the grief as ‘I am sad because my parents died’, you should view it as ‘I have lost those whom I cherish and I am sad because of the loss.’ You cannot hold on to anything forever.”
“Thank you.”
