P: “I still have lingering emotions such as misunderstanding, hatred, agony, and anger towards my wife.” This is a story of a man who was in the process of getting a divorce. He said that he was calmer than when he first decided to get divorced, but he still had negative feelings towards his wife.
A couple may end up getting a divorce. It’s not important whether one gets divorced or not. What’s important is for people to reflect on themselves and the reasons for getting divorced. That way, they will not repeat the mistakes in future relationships.
The biggest reason behind marital conflict is that both the husband and wife insist they are right. When the wife says to her husband, “You’re stubborn.” he does not realize that he is being stubborn. He believes that he is right, so he responds “I’m not being stubborn, I am just expressing my thoughts.”
When the wife says “You get angry and irritated very easily.” the husband will generally retort, “Why do you think I get angry? When did I get irritated? I got angry because you got angry.” People usually don’t realize how they are expressing their emotions and how they are acting.
If the wife of the man who is in the process of getting a divorce were asked, “Is your husband understanding or opinionated?” She would probably answer, “He is very opinionated.” If she were asked, “Is your husband selfish or devoted?” She would probably respond that he is selfish.
In most cases, how you perceive yourself and how others perceive you are very different. Of course, we cannot be definitive about which perspective is a more objective. However, it is safe to say other people’s perception of you is usually more objective than your own.
In my book, Words of Wisdom for Newlyweds, I wrote that people become miserable when they are in a relationship because they want to benefit from the other person. Wanting to benefit from the other person is not necessarily a bad thing. However, people should know that according to the law of cause and effect, when you gain something from others, you must pay it back sooner or later. When you borrow money from others, you can spend more than what you earn. Later, however, you must face the consequence of having to pay back the money. If we benefit from others, they will see it as a loss and demand something in return.
So, you need to either abandon the intention of benefiting from others or recognize, ‘“I’m trying to benefit from someone.” When you’re being stubborn, become aware, “I am being stubborn. If I continue being obstinate, that person will become frustrated.”
You need to be aware of your actions and feelings. Then, when your spouse says, “You are selfish.” you can calmly acknowledge his or her opinion and say, “Yeah, I am pretty selfish.”. This makes communication possible. You can still communicate with your spouse even if you are not able to get rid of selfishness and stubbornness.
If you are completely unaware that you are being selfish or stubborn, when your spouse says, “You’re selfish” you may retort, “Am I the only one who is selfish? Aren’t you selfish too?” or snap angrily, “What do you mean I am selfish?” In the same vein, when your spouse says, “You are stubborn.” you may react by either saying “What do you mean I am stubborn?” or “Aren’t you stubborn too?” If you react this way you won’t be able to communicate with your spouse and end up hurting your spouse as well as yourself.
All human beings are selfish. If we accept this fact and admit to our selfishness, we will be able to communicate well with others. For example, we usually call someone when we need some kind of help from that person. Nine out of ten phone calls, if not ten out of ten, are made to make inquiries or ask for something. We rarely call someone to simply ask, “How are you doing?” or “Is there anything I can help with?” If we accept this fact, we can take it in stride when someone calls and asks for a favor. However, we tend to complain, “He only calls when he needs something.” This can lead to conflict. Thus, if we accept that we are also selfish, we will stop condemning others for being selfish.
When someone calls you to ask for help and you are able to help him with whatever he needs, he will appreciate it. While it is tiresome when people ask for help, the fact that you are called on to help means that you are more capable and in a better position than those who request help. If you get irritated when someone asks for help, you won’t be able to utilize your capabilities. In this regard, you shouldn’t consider phone calls or requests for help tiresome.
You don’t always have to be devoted and compliant in order to communicate with others. Simply being aware of your selfishness will enable you to communicate well. It may seem to a husband that his wife is the problem, being selfish and stubborn. However, the fact is, the wife also feels the same way about her husband.
The decision to get divorced or not is up to this man, but he should not hate his wife. The man will find that after he divorces his wife, she will likely meet a man who loves her as she is, and he himself will find a woman who loves him as he is. He must realize that his wife is neither good nor bad. He felt negative emotions towards his wife because she did not meet his demands. Therefore, the wife herself is not the problem, but rather his negative emotions towards unmet demands or expectations. So, even if the man chooses to get a divorce, it is important not to make the past into a hurtful memory by hating his wife. He should not hate her regardless of whether he stays in the marriage or not. If he hates her, the time he spent married to his wife will become a wasted part of his life. Therefore, even if he decides to get divorced, he needs to give prayers of repentance and thanks towards his wife.
If it weren’t for his wife, the man could still be unmarried and living alone. Thanks to her, he wasn’t lonely. Getting divorced is not the end of the world since he can get married again. Also, he can regard the time he lived with her as simply one of his life experiences. If he hates his wife, the time they were together will remain a wound, but if he feels thankful to her, the marriage will become an experience and an asset in his life.
Only when the man values all of his life up to this moment, including his marriage, will he be able to enjoy the rest of his life whether he remarries or not. However, if his marriage remains a wound, it may color his future relationships with women. If a woman he is interested in shows a slight similarity in behavior or disposition to those of his ex-wife, he will become fearful of having the same problems again, and this may have a negative effect on his future relationship.
When you go through a break-up, you may seem to be okay on the surface, but you may be wounded in your subconscious. There are two ways to cure yourself. One way is to repent towards your spouse with the thought, “You must have gone through a lot being married to me. I am really sorry.” The other is being thankful towards your spouse.: “Thank you for staying married to me for three years. It was a good experience in my life.”
After much prayer, when repentance and gratitude truly resonate with your heart, the wounds will be healed. Only then, will you not repeat the same mistakes in the future. It is best to shake off the past with prayers of repentance and gratitude and to prepare for a new life with hope.