-An extract from Venerable Pomnyun’s book, Life Lessons–

P: In a marriage, there may come a time when one of the spouses is hospitalized and the other has to be the caretaker. If the husband and wife are on good terms, the healthy spouse will care for the sick spouse with devotion. However, if they have a rocky marriage, the caregiver may experience a great deal of frustration and hardship.

Q: “My husband has been receiving treatment for a stroke and cancer for a few years now. He has not been a good husband or father, so I have been contemplating getting a divorce for the sake of my children who also want me to get divorced. I have to raise the children, and I don’t have the time or money to take care of my husband. My future with my husband seems bleak, so I want to be separated from him.”

P: I can imagine how hard it must be for you since you have to bear the medical costs of your husband’s treatment, and you have to raise the children all by yourself. Additionally, since you are not on good terms with your husband, it must be all the more difficult and stressful to take care of him. I could sympathize with you, but the consolation is not going to solve your problem. Instead, I will be blunt with you. I am afraid that with your mindset, it may be unlikely that your children will turn out well.

You say that your children want you to get divorced, but that’s because they are still young. They are not going to feel the same way when they get older. When the kids are young they usually take their mother’s side when the parents argue. However, later, when they get older, they will realize that not only their father but also their mother has many faults. Right now, because their father is an invalid and bad-tempered, the children may ask, “Why do we have to live like this?” Later, however, they will experience conflicting emotions of resenting you for abandoning their father and feeling grateful to you for having raised them. As a result, the kids may become emotionally unstable.

Even if you had a rocky marriage, you lived with your husband under one roof, and he is the father of your children. So it’s best to make up your mind to take care of your husband. When he gets irritated, try to understand and comfort him. Tell yourself, “He must be in a lot of pain to be so angry.” or, “I came home late because of work, so it’s natural that he should be irritated since he has been waiting for me for so long all by himself.” By doing so you will receive many blessings. For instance, children raised by a mother who has such a big heart will very likely grow up to be happy upstanding adults even if the parents are too poor to send them to high school or college. On the contrary, if the mother abandons their father, even if the kids go to college and go on to study overseas, they are unlikely to lead happy lives.

If by chance your husband gets angry and irritated in front of your children it’s best to explain to them, “If you were ill, you would be like that too. Your father is not a bad person, but he gets in a bad mood because he is in pain.” When you speak to your children this way, they will be able to better understand their father and at the same time be inspired by their mother’s big heart. Taking after their mother, the children will be able to cultivate compassion and develop good character. This is the real education that will help your children become successful in life.

While taking care of your husband, you may lament, “What did I do in my past life to deserve this predicament?” But, if you change your attitude and take care of your husband wholeheartedly, your children will receive many blessings throughout their lives as you will see for yourself in time.

There was a woman who complained about having to take care of her husband who had suffered a cerebral hemorrhage which diminished his intelligence to that of a first grader. She wanted to stop caring for him because she had also been diagnosed with 4th stage cancer and needed care herself. Yes, it would be difficult to take care of her husband when she herself is sick. But there is one thing that she didn’t know. She didn’t realize that her life was actually being prolonged because she was doing something worthwhile. Taking care of her husband was not making her condition worse. Instead, it was helping her overcome the fear of her own death and alleviate her pain and loneliness since her focus was on her husband.

You may think that you will live longer by staying home and doing nothing, but people are much healthier and tend to live longer when they have a job and stay active. If the woman had stayed home by herself and did nothing because of her 4th stage cancer, she would have become more depressed and would have been more fearful of death. Then her health would have deteriorated very rapidly. When you take care of people who are sicker than you are, your life becomes more meaningful. When you are working for other people’s benefit, your body tends to function better and become healthier. In short, although the woman didn’t realize it, her life was actually being prolonged thanks to her caring for her husband.

You should think to yourself, “I am thankful that I am alive today. I am thankful that I am able to take care of someone else. I vow to be the person who will help others until I draw my last breath.” If you have such positive attitude, you will invite good fortune. So far, your marriage has not been ideal, but what you do now will determine the fate of your relationship with your husband. If you are good to your husband, you will have a good relationship. If you do the opposite, you will have a bad relationship. I understand that things must be hard for you, but if you treat your husband with compassion and embrace him warmly, you may even experience true happiness as you yourself change into a more loving person. Being compassionate and keeping a positive attitude ensures that there will be a long-lasting happiness at the end of the short tunnel.