Apr 20, 2026. Business Trip to China
Hello. Sunim visited China for two days to prepare for the Northeast Asian History Tour.
Sunim began his day earlier than usual with morning practice and meditation. At 5 a.m., he departed from the Seocho-dong Jungto Center for Incheon Airport. After completing departure procedures at Incheon Airport, he boarded an 8 a.m. flight to Shenyang (瀋陽) Airport in China. After a flight of one hour and fifty minutes, he arrived at Shenyang Airport.
In Shenyang, he visited several locations and reviewed preparations for the history tour scheduled for August. Sunim concluded his day after proofreading manuscripts and handling business communications. Tomorrow, he plans to visit a few more locations before returning to Korea immediately.
Since there was no Dharma talk today, this post concludes with a Dharma Q&A held at the Seorabeol Cultural Center in Gyeongju on April 15th.
How Far Should I Go in Caring for My Elderly Parents?
“Raising minor children is a parental obligation. If someone doesn’t raise or protect their children, they face punishment. However, once children turn twenty, there’s no ethical or legal responsibility to worry about them. They’re adults. So, are parents who are 80 years old adults or minors? Do they become minors again? No, they’re adults. Whether they’re 80 or 90, they’re still adults.
There are no obligations between adults. Therefore, caring for parents is optional. As long as you don’t abuse them, you’re not being unfilial. This means that as long as you don’t take their home or property, hit them, or verbally abuse them, you’re not being unfilial. Since caring for parents is optional, you only need to do as much as you can. Based on the premise that you don’t have to do it, just do what you can.
Parents caring for minor children is part of the law of species preservation in the natural ecosystem where we receive help from others. It’s not a debt from receiving someone’s help. It’s good to feel grateful, but it’s okay if you don’t. However, if you receive help from your parents after turning 19, that becomes a debt. So you can comfortably do as much as you’re able to.
However, your parents might have a slightly different perspective. In your parents’ generation, the social system was one where parents raised children and children grew up to care for their parents. They may think that their children should care for them based on such social concepts. In the past, since people had five or six children, the children could take turns caring for one parent, so it wasn’t a big burden on any individual child. Also, since the average lifespan was low and most people passed away in their 60s, caring for parents for about 10 years wasn’t a major issue. But now, with only one or two children, caring for parents has become realistically very difficult. And with increased life expectancy to 80, 90, or even 100 years old, it has become even more challenging.
That’s why social systems for elderly care have emerged. This isn’t something children should be responsible for; it’s society’s responsibility. The system has changed so that the government takes responsibility using the taxes we paid when we were young. If someone has mobility issues, caregivers come to their home, and if it’s more serious, facilities provide care. So you just need to do what you can. If you want to do more, that’s your freedom.
Do What You Can with a Joyful Heart
Your parents frequently calling and asking for help is due to their generation’s mindset, and we can’t change that. When your parents ask you to come home early, say ‘yes’ and go if you can; it’s okay if you can’t. If they ask ‘Why didn’t you come?’ you can say, ‘I intended to come but was too busy. I’m sorry.’
You shouldn’t say things like ‘How can I come when I’m busy?’ Always say ‘yes.’ I’m not telling you to lie. Say ‘yes’ and do it if you can; if you can’t, then don’t. There’s no need to feel burdened. Saying that your life is difficult because of your parents is no different from saying your parents are obstacles in your life. That would make your parents guilty, so you shouldn’t do that. Always do only as much as you can with a joyful heart.
There’s a saying about encouraging good and punishing evil. In Buddhism, there’s a saying about stopping evil and cultivating good. Good deeds are optional. We encourage good deeds. Something that’s encouraged means it’s optional – you can do it or not. But evil must be stopped immediately. Hitting others or stealing their money must be stopped right away. Helping others is recommended – it’s good if you do it, but it’s fine if you don’t. You don’t become a bad person for not helping others.
However, our ethical and moral standards are somewhat different. We shouldn’t call someone bad for not helping others, nor should we call parents excellent for raising their children well. Parents caring for young children is an obligation, while children caring for parents is optional.
In Confucianism, while parents are highly valued, there’s a tendency to treat children somewhat like servants. So sacrificing children to support elderly parents was considered filial piety. This goes against the laws of the natural ecosystem. It can be seen as extreme. When we talk about ‘loyalty,’ being loyal to the country is fine, but being loyal to an individual doesn’t fit in today’s democratic society.
In a system where parents and rulers are masters while subjects and children are servants, where teachers are masters and students are servants, where husbands are masters and wives are servants – this isn’t democracy. In the past feudal culture, masters could beat and sell servants, husbands could beat wives, parents could beat children, teachers could beat students, and rulers could beat subjects. But in today’s democratic era, this kind of culture is unacceptable.
A boss can’t kick employees with military boots and scrape their shins just because they don’t listen – such violent methods are unacceptable. Parents can’t beat children, teachers can’t beat students, and husbands can’t beat wives. In the past, people grew up being beaten severely. If you do that nowadays, it’s a human rights violation. It can be seen as wrong.
Filial piety should be practiced with a joyful heart to the extent you can; doing it reluctantly while suffering is not desirable. But don’t take this to mean you should turn away from your parents. I’m telling you to care for them wholeheartedly.”
“Yes, I understand.”
