Mar 16, 2025 – Day 28 of the 100-Day Dharma Talk
Hello. Today, Sunim continued his field research for the Northeast Asian History Tour, spending the entire day exploring sites, following yesterday’s activities.
After completing the field research, Sunim returned to Korea, arriving at Incheon Airport at 7:40 PM.
It was almost 9 PM when Sunim arrived at the Seoul Jungto Center. After editing some manuscripts, he concluded his day. Since the “A Day in the Life of Sunim” team was unable to accompany him, we couldn’t document his activities in detail.
Tomorrow will be the 29th day of the 100-Day Dharma Talk. In the morning, Sunim will give the third lecture on Buddhist scriptures at the Dharma Hall on the third floor of the Jungto Social and Cultural Center. In the evening, he will deliver the third lecture of the Buddhist Social Studies Course in the main auditorium in the basement.
Since there was no Dharma talk today, this content concludes by introducing the content of the Friday Q&A lecture held at the Jungto Society Cultural Center on the 21st of last month.
I Get Angry When My Wife Doesn’t Apologize for Her Mistakes
“Have you ever considered not pointing out your wife’s mistakes? You just mentioned that people can have different thoughts, right? You want your wife to admit ‘I was wrong’ when you point out her mistakes, correct? But your wife probably doesn’t think she’s wrong. She’s different from you. You’re simply different from each other, but when you say, ‘You’re wrong,’ your wife naturally responds with, ‘What did I do wrong!’ and resists.”
“Is that what happens?”
“Didn’t you say people’s thoughts differ from one another? But you pointing out your wife’s mistakes is contradictory. Think about it yourself. You already said, ‘People can have different thoughts,’ right? That’s correct. People’s thoughts differ. Your wife is different from you. But if you think your wife is wrong, it shows you’re not accepting these differences but seeing it as a matter of right and wrong. You’ve been looking at it incorrectly from the beginning. Because you don’t acknowledge that you’re different and point out her mistakes, your wife resists by saying, ‘Why are you saying I did something wrong?’ So you could say, ‘Yes! You and I are different. I was wrong to see our differences as a matter of right and wrong. I’m sorry!'”
“So the problem is that I’m not accepting our differences?”
“You’re not acknowledging that you’re different from each other. This is not your wife’s problem but yours. You think you should accept differences, but in this particular matter, you can’t accept them.
For example, there are times when we accept major accidents with ‘These things happen,’ but want to point out small mistakes. I used to frequently criticize people about cleaning issues. If someone spilled a large water container in a room, I would say, ‘Yes, mistakes happen’ and let it go. But if someone dropped a few water droplets while mopping the floor, I would make an issue of it and scold them. People watching would ask me, ‘Why are you so sensitive about small things when you overlook big mistakes?’ Why did I scold them? I thought big mistakes were unavoidable, but small mistakes could easily be prevented with a little care. Because I was attached to that idea, I nitpicked about trivial things.
If someone was sweeping, I would point out, ‘Look here. Isn’t the dust rising again?’ Then I would explain, ‘This is how you should sweep to prevent dust from rising.’ I would also teach, ‘If there’s a lot of dust on the floor, you should dampen the broom first, shake it out, and then sweep.’ I was attached to the idea that work should be done properly.
However, many young people today don’t have the concept of doing work properly. They grew up with their mothers doing things for them or with robots cleaning, so they’ve never done laundry or cooked rice. You need to have experience doing work to develop standards for ‘doing it right’ or ‘doing it wrong,’ but if you’ve never done the work, you don’t even know what constitutes doing it properly. When adults see this, they think, ‘How can someone over twenty not even know how to clean a room properly?’ But from that person’s perspective, they think, ‘I cleaned as I was told, what’s the problem?’
I had a similar experience when building in India. When installing windows, the bricks need to be laid to match the window size, but the workers just stacked them carelessly. So when we tried to fit the windows after building the walls, they didn’t fit. We had to break the walls with hammers. Instead of carefully breaking just what was needed along the lines, they smashed everything. Then when they put the window in again, there were gaps. So they had to fill the empty spaces with cement.
It was the same when painting the ceiling. The floor was marble, so they should have covered it before painting, but paint dripped everywhere and hardened. When I told them to clean it, they scraped it off with knives. The floor was clean, but the marble was all scratched. Yet they didn’t understand why this was a problem. Whether paint stained the marble floor or it got scratched, it was still much cleaner than the homes they lived in. Even when I pointed out the problems multiple times, they couldn’t understand. They agreed with me only because they needed to get paid. If they could have resisted, they would have said, ‘This is good enough, what’s the problem?’ This led to ongoing conflicts. Koreans tend to get angry if things aren’t fixed after explaining two or three times. I would explain how to do the work, go attend to something else, and return to find they had done the construction in a completely different way. I should have accepted this naturally, but at first, I couldn’t. I often responded with, ‘I clearly told you to do it this way, why did you do it like this?’
But when you think about it, if they could have done it as instructed, why would they have lived the way they did? They lived that way because they couldn’t do otherwise. It took ten years to change the way rural workers worked. I had to stay beside them and teach repeatedly for things to change. They didn’t even understand what the problem was. When I explained, they said they understood. But these things don’t change simply through explanation, unconscious habits need to change too. Most of you have seen your parents doing things as you grew up, right? Today’s middle-aged people may not have farmed themselves, but they grew up watching their parents farm, and though they didn’t build houses themselves, they had seen it done in their childhood, so they can try something if necessary. They might be clumsy at first, but become familiar after a few attempts because of those childhood experiences. But today’s young people are different. They have almost no such experiences. So even after being taught two or three times, they don’t easily become familiar with tasks.
Everyone speaks from their own perspective. What seems clearly wrong to me might seem right to the other person. If our experiences and habits are similar, we can accept criticism, but if they’re very different, the reaction will be, ‘What’s the problem with that?’ You think, ‘If my wife made a mistake, she should just admit it,’ but your wife might perceive it differently because you grew up in different households. In such cases, you need to acknowledge, ‘My wife is completely different from me in this aspect.’ You need to accept that it’s not just a small difference, but that her entire way of thinking might be different.
For example, when Christians have breakfast meetings, even if I prepared the meal, they pray, ‘Heavenly Father, thank you for this food.’ Although I cooked the meal myself, they believe God directed me to prepare the food. They naturally believe this because they’ve been taught this way since childhood. In their worldview, all good things come from God, and all bad things come from Satan. Since their thought system is formed this way, it’s difficult to say they’re wrong. If we argue about these differences, we can’t work together. Even though I prepared the meal, when they thank God, I need to accept it with an attitude of ‘that’s understandable.’ I should join them in prayer, saying ‘Heavenly Father, thank you. Amen!’ That’s how we can work together. Otherwise, it’s difficult to maintain relationships.
Similarly, from a practice perspective, your issue is that before determining who is at fault, you are the one raising the concern. While you say ‘we should accept our differences,’ you yourself are not doing so.”
“Yes, thank you.”
