My father wants us to have a third child, but my wife doesn’t want to. What should I do?

Hello. Today, after completing the second day’s schedule of The Peace Foundation’s year-end workshop, Sunim returned to Seoul and gave a Friday Dharma Q&A lecture at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center.

After finishing his morning practice and meditation, Sunim had breakfast with the research fellows of The Peace Foundation and began the second day’s schedule of the year-end workshop over tea. They shared various opinions and discussed plans for the foundation’s projects next year.

Yesterday, Dr. Dong Yong-seung emphasized in his keynote presentation that not knowing what constitutes a national crisis is the real crisis, and stressed the need for establishing a national strategy. Today, they had an open discussion on what role The Peace Foundation could play in developing such a national strategy. The research fellows passionately shared their opinions.

“The think tanks in our country are currently inactive. They only conduct research requested and funded by the government, without consistently pursuing long-term studies. I believe The Peace Foundation needs to work on revitalizing the think tank ecosystem.”

“Even national research institutions are barely functioning to develop mid to long-term national strategies for South Korea. They are merely serving as government policy promotion tools. In this situation, it would be great if The Peace Foundation could take on the role of formulating national strategies and creating discourse.”

“In the United States, before a new administration takes office, the previous administration prepares a grand strategy, which is then handed over to the next government. For example, we also need to create major national strategies like Park Chung-hee’s modernization strategy or Roh Tae-woo’s Northern Policy. I think The Peace Foundation can certainly play that role. To do this, it would be good if The Peace Foundation makes efforts to expand its external network a bit more.”

“Yesterday, Sunim suggested many topics such as climate crisis, diplomatic security, artificial intelligence, and East Asian economic community. It would be good to develop a project plan that activates expert groups to deepen these topics and then converges them into a national strategy.”

Sunim listened attentively and reflected the opinions of the research fellows. After the conversation, they all got in the car and headed to Namsan in Gyeongju.

From 10 AM, they continued their conversation while walking along the Gyeongju Namsan Olle Trail. They began slowly walking along the mountain path covered in fallen leaves, breathing in the cold but clear air.

After an hour of hiking, they arrived at the Gamsil Buddha statue. Its official name is ‘Bulgok Maae Yeorae Jwasang’ (Seated Buddha Carved on Rock Face at Bulgok). Sunim began his explanation, emphasizing the modest and friendly beauty of this Buddha statue.

“This Buddha statue is unique in that it’s carved inside a niche hollowed out of a natural rock face. People in Gyeongju sometimes call this statue ‘Grandmother Buddha’. Its expression is gentle, giving a feeling like meeting a friendly elderly neighbor. Even in winter when it snows, the snow melts quickly, making it a frequently visited place by many people.”

After taking a commemorative photo with the research fellows in front of the Bulgok Maae Yeorae Jwasang, they descended the mountain.

At the foot of the mountain, a staff member from The Peace Foundation was waiting with freshly baked Hwangnam bread.

After eating the warm Hwangnam bread, they moved on to Sambulsa Temple. Even at the beginning of winter, Gyeongju Namsan was still beautifully colored with vibrant autumn foliage.

Sambulsa Temple is famous for its Three Standing Buddha Statues. It was quite unique to see the faces of the Buddha statues resembling smiling children.

They walked again through the forest path thick with autumn foliage. After passing through a dense pine forest, they came upon Samneung (Three Royal Tombs).

After walking from Samneung to King Gyeongae’s Tomb, they got back in the car and headed to Bonggye. In Bonggye, they each had a bowl of kalguksu (korean noodle soup) and then said goodbye to the research fellows.

“Everyone, please get home safe. I have a lecture in Seoul this evening.”

They concluded The Peace Foundation’s year-end workshop, pledging to continue vigorous research activities next year.

At 1:40 PM, Sunim departed from Dubuk Retreat Center and headed to Seoul. After driving on the highway for 5 hours, he arrived at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center in Seoul at 6:40 PM. The sun set outside the car window during the journey.

At 7 PM, Venerable Yeoil, who is doing Dharma propagation work for soldiers at Sangmudae, visited and had tea with Sunim. He mentioned that they hold Dharma assemblies for newly commissioned officers at Sangmudae, but these days, the young officers’ self-esteem is quite low because their pay is not much different from that of regular soldiers, yet they have much more responsibility. He asked for advice on what kind of Dharma talk would be good for them. He also requested Sunim to come to Sangmudae for a Dharma Q&A lecture. Sunim said his schedule for the first half of next year was full, but he would check if he could make time in June, and they concluded their conversation.

As it was time to start the lecture, Sunim finished the tea conversation and moved directly to the basement auditorium. Today is the day for the monthly offline Dharma Q&A lecture at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center.

Many citizens came to the Jungto Social and Cultural Center to listen to the Dharma Q&A. After registering on-site, they each put a number ticket into the drawing box and moved to the basement auditorium with a spring on their steps.

The lecture began with about 5,300 people connected on YouTube and about 400 people present at the venue. First, they watched a video showing Sunim’s visit to Mindanao, Philippines last week, where he attended the completion ceremony for 10 schools.

As the video ended, Sunim came up on stage to loud applause. He greeted the audience with a bright smile.

“Did you enjoy the video? In March, I surveyed school sites in 10 areas of Mindanao, Philippines, and last week, after a year, I attended the completion ceremony for 10 schools we built. People cannot choose where or in what form they are born. Among you, is there anyone who was born a woman because they wanted to be born a woman, or born a man because they wanted to be born a man? If there is such a person, please raise your hand. (Laughter)”

All Children Should Receive Education in a Timely Manner

The circumstances into which we are born are not chosen by us but given to us. However, as we live in this world, we often face discrimination based on our place of birth, gender, social status, or physical disabilities. While we cannot eliminate all forms of discrimination, shouldn’t we at least provide equal educational opportunities to all children? Isn’t it unfair that some children are deprived of education because they were born in remote mountainous areas, conflict zones, or with disabilities? That’s why JTS is building schools for children in remote areas, conflict zones, and for those with disabilities, based on the principle that while higher education may vary, primary education should be equally accessible to all. Of course, governments are also investing in education. However, due to financial constraints, there’s still very little investment in educational facilities for children in remote areas or those with disabilities. That’s why JTS is taking the lead in building schools for indigenous children and children with disabilities. We have an agreement where the education department is responsible for dispatching teachers, while JTS and local governments are in charge of constructing schools. In Mindanao, in particular, education for children with disabilities is still inadequate. JTS built the first school for people with disabilities there. Since there have been the shortage of teachers and classrooms for general students, no resources are left to invest in education for children with disabilities. However, from the perspective of equal educational opportunities, children with disabilities should also receive education. Equality doesn’t mean treating everyone exactly the same. If we have 30 students in a class for children without disabilities, equality means having 3 students in a class for children with disabilities. We need a perspective that sees equality as providing conditions suitable for children with disabilities to receive appropriate education. Therefore, JTS not only builds schools but also promotes awareness about the right approach to education. Teachers, local officials, and the education department all need to maintain a perspective that always puts students at the center of education. We hold opening ceremonies not just to inaugurate buildings, but to create opportunities to share these perspectives on education. The end of the year is approaching, and Christmas is just a few days away. I would like to ask that during this holiday season, we think not only of ourselves but also cultivate a heart to help those in need.”

Sunim then listened to the stories of the questioners. First, four people who had submitted questions in advance engaged in a dialogue with Sunim. At the venue, three more people raised their hands to ask Sunim questions. One of them sought Sunim’s advice on how to handle a situation where his father, who has a strong preference for male children, is urging him to have a third child, while his wife is opposed to the idea.

My Father Wants a Grandson, but My Wife Refuses. What Should I Do?

“I currently have two daughters. I want to have a son as my third child. Since my marriage, I’ve always tried not to go against my parents’ wishes. In the past, when I introduced girlfriends to my parents two or three times, I usually followed their opinion if they liked her. Living a life of following my parents’ opinions, I’ve spent 50 years sometimes suppressing or releasing my anger alone. Actually I do have a desire to have a son. However, my father, in particular, has a strong preference for male children and wants me to have a son. My wife is against it. I’m struggling with whether to have a third child in this situation. I need to consider my wife, but I also want to follow my father’s wishes, which makes it very difficult for me. My wife says she’ll divorce me if I insist on having a third child. My father suggests that if my wife won’t have a son, I should find another way to have a male child. This dilemma is causing me to lose sleep, and I feel very distressed.”

“You know, there’s a TV program called ‘I Am a Natural Person’ that shows people living alone in the mountains. Why don’t you abandon both options and go live alone in the mountains like that?”

“But I can’t live alone. I’m not a natural person and want to live in the city. I came here to find a solution to this problem.”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. If you want to solve this problem, just go live as a natural person in the mountains for about three years.”

“My wife is getting older, so if we don’t decide quickly, she might not be able to get pregnant.”

“I told you, it will resolve itself after three years. If you go live in the mountains for three years, your father might think, ‘We’re going to lose our son at this rate,’ and decide to compromise. Your wife might also think, ‘I could lose my husband,’ and decide to compromise. If your father gives up on having a grandson, you can come down from the mountains. If your wife agrees to have a third child, you can come down and live together. If both sides remain stubborn and three years pass, making your wife over 40, the situation will naturally resolve itself. Even if you want to have a child, it becomes realistically difficult. Your father might then suggest finding another woman to have a child, but you don’t have to unconditionally obey your parents. In the military, do you follow your superior’s orders only within the bounds of the law? Or do you follow them even if they’re illegal? You should receive and follow orders only within legal boundaries. Similarly, it’s not right for a child to unconditionally obey their parents. The request must be within the bounds of the law and within the realm of common sense ethics and morals. It’s not filial piety to commit crimes or do things that are ethically condemnable just because your parents want you to.”

“Yes, I understand. But there’s something I didn’t mention. My mother is currently suffering from Parkinson’s disease and dementia, and she also has bedsores. My father and I are taking turns caring for her. As you said, I don’t have to do everything my parents tell me to do, but I can’t help feeling sorry for them.”

“After hearing what you’ve said, I think it would be good for you to see a psychiatrist. You might think that your way of thinking is normal and filial to your parents, but whether your mother has dementia or Parkinson’s disease has nothing to do with your current dilemma. If there’s an illness, it should be treated, that’s all. If your father wants a grandson, you can say to him, ‘I understand how you feel, Father. I’ll try my best’ to comfort him. There’s no need to tell your father, ‘My wife doesn’t want to have another child.’ You can just say, ‘We’re trying, but it’s not working out,’ and move on. This issue should be discussed with your wife first. This is because having a child is not something you can decide on your own; it absolutely requires your wife’s consent. There’s no need to discuss this with your father in the first place. Your father is not a party to this issue. You’re making the mistake of treating a party and a non-party equally in this matter, wondering, ‘Whose words should I follow?’ When looking at any issue, you need to clearly distinguish between the key parties and third parties. In the matter of having a child, the key party is your wife. Your father is not a party; he’s just someone making a request. You should first discuss with your wife, asking, ‘There are these suggestions, what do you think?’ If your wife says she can’t do it, you should make a decision considering her opinion as the most important. You can tell your father, ‘I talked with my wife, but given her age and our other circumstances, it’s difficult. She also has to work. I understand how you feel, Father, but I hope you can let this go.’ Or you could say, ‘I understand, Father. But lately, maybe because I’m tired or getting older, we’re having trouble conceiving,’ and subtly move past the issue.

Connecting your mother’s illness with your father’s demands and worrying about it is not filial piety. That’s why I asked if you might be mentally weak. If you are in a mentally weak state, you should either seek treatment at a hospital or change your perspective and come to your senses. This issue should not be viewed simply as ‘How should I handle the conflict between my father’s demands and my wife’s opposition?’ Your perspective itself is wrong. You are married and have started a new family, and especially when it comes to having children, your spouse is the key person involved. Yet you are placing your wife, who is directly involved, and your father, who is a third party, on equal footing and wondering, ‘Whose words should I listen to?’ This is an extremely misguided way of thinking.”

“Yes, I understand. But I’m not mentally weak as you think, Sunim. Actually, I’ve heard you say many times on YouTube, ‘If you think you’ll regret not doing something, do it. It’s better to regret doing something than not doing it.’ So I thought you would tell me today, ‘Just have a child first. Whether it’s a girl or a boy, you can decide after the child is born.’ But your advice was different, so honestly, I’m more confused now.”

“If your wife agreed to have a child and your father was demanding a son, then I could say that. If your wife said, ‘I don’t know if it will be a boy or a girl, but I’m willing to try having a child,’ then I could answer, ‘Let’s try having a child then. Whether it’s a girl or a boy, that’s not something we can decide in advance.’ But the current situation is not about your wife contemplating whether to have a son or a daughter, but rather she’s saying she doesn’t want to have any more children, right? It doesn’t make sense to say ‘Let’s try having a child’ when your wife is saying she doesn’t want to. If your wife had agreed to have a child, you could later tell your father, ‘We tried, but it’s another girl.’ In that situation, I could say ‘Try having a child,’ but now your wife has clearly stated she doesn’t want to have one. How could I possibly say ‘Just try having a child’ in this situation? You’re saying something extremely misguided right now. (laughs) You shouldn’t give equal weight to your wife’s opinion and your father’s opinion. The person who has to give birth is not you, but your wife. Even you and your wife are not on equal footing when it comes to having children. Your wife’s opinion is far more important. Even your opinion as the husband is minimal compared to your wife’s, let alone your father’s opinion, which carries less than a tenth of the weight. Yet you’re placing your father and wife on equal footing. That’s why I’m saying you might be a bit lacking in judgment. You said you have filial piety towards your parents and a strong tendency to try to accommodate others’ wishes rather than go against them, which isn’t necessarily bad. But each issue in the world has its appropriate weight. To consider your father’s and wife’s opinions equally when it comes to the couple having a child, and to worry about ‘whose words I should listen to’ is the kind of concern only someone lacking in judgment would have.”

“Thank you for your insightful advice, Sunim.”

The questions continued.

I sold an apartment five years ago. The current market price has risen by about 250 million won, and I feel distressed about it.

What happens when we die? I’m very curious if we can choose to be born and if I can meet my mother again.

I suffered continuous violence from my brother’s baseless abuse without protection from my parents. How can I heal these wounds and succeed in marriage?

During a C-section, my baby’s face was injured by a scalpel, requiring four stitches and admission to the ICU. The medical association ruled that there was no medical malpractice. How should I deal with this feeling of injustice?

After about two hours of conversation, Sunim gave his closing remarks.

“When you go to the sea and look at each wave, what do you see? You can see countless waves rising and disappearing, right? We can say they are born and die. But if you look at the sea as a whole, waves are neither created nor destroyed. It’s just the water rippling. Similarly, depending on how you view things, you can see them differently. If you look briefly or narrowly, or in an instant, everything has birth and death. But if you look long and broadly, the world neither comes into being nor ceases to exist. There’s only undulation. Our lives may seem like we’ve made all our choices, but looking back later, it’s as if we’ve followed a certain line. The choices we made at each moment seem to have little significance. In high school, getting a certain score on the final exam seems incredibly important. But when you grow up, does it really matter much in life whether you got 90 points or 70 points then?

A Life Like a Dog on Its Owner’s Leash

From a broader perspective, we live according to the reactions of the karma we received from our parents. Why do you think the word ‘fate’ was created? Because no matter how much we try, we can’t escape a certain range, so people thought, ‘Ah! Fate must be determined from birth!’ That’s why we use the word fate, because that’s the only way we can understand it.

However, we don’t live solely according to fate. We can change at any time. But it’s not easy. That’s why most people live according to their karma. To change, we need ‘awareness.’ If someone points out that I’m stubborn, I can pause for a moment. But I can’t change my habits. I just pause briefly, but later I repeat the same behavior. However, if I become aware, ‘Oh, I am a bit stubborn!’ then I can change. If I become aware and choose to change, change is possible. If I think, ‘So what if I’m a bit stubborn? I can live like this!’ then no change will occur. Dharma Q&A is not about me giving you answers. It’s about creating opportunities for you to have some realizations while talking with me. If you realize, ‘Oh, it wasn’t a big deal!’ or ‘I am a bit stubborn!’ while talking with me, you can change. If not, no change will occur. I’m not solving your problems for you. I’m talking in various ways so that you can have realizations on your own. First, you need to become aware of your state, and you need to choose such changes yourself. Until now, you’ve lived unconsciously insisting on yourself, but when you realize, ‘Oh, I’m a bit stubborn,’ your unconscious mind starts to change. The things you’ve been asserting gradually weaken on their own. We usually try to make changes through determination or resolution, but that’s only momentary. Enduring something returns to its original state when the tension is released later. That’s why practice is about maintaining awareness in a relaxed state without tension. It’s not about trying to fix something, but first having ‘awareness’ of your state. If you want to live as you are, that’s fine, and if you want to change a bit, just keep maintaining awareness. Then changes will come gradually. This is the perspective you should have when practicing.

It’s also necessary to have an attitude of accepting given conditions. Even if your husband has an affair, if you accept the situation by thinking, “I suppose that could happen,” you would have much more choices. If you divorce while blaming him, saying, “You had an affair. So this divorce is because of you!” it may seem like you made the decision to divorce, but that’s not really the case. It’s because of your husband, and can’t be seen as your own choice. Even if your husband has an affair, you must decide whether to continue living with such a husband. If you resent your husband, you become his slave. Even if your husband has an affair, you should make your choice without resentment. “My husband prefers someone else over me! Then it’s better to divorce,” you should choose like this for yourself. Hatred or resentment are reactions that arise because you think your fate was not determined by yourself, but forced by others or external conditions. “We promised to marry and have lived together, but the situation has changed because my husband had an affair. What will I choose in this situation?” This is the attitude of being the master of your own life. “We agreed to get married and live together. But you broke that promise. So I can’t live with you anymore!” This is blaming your husband. Promises can be kept or broken. The situation has changed, but choosing for yourself within that change is what it means to have the attitude of being the master of your own life.

How to Live as the Master of My Own Life

We may feel like we’ve been doing well in life at each moment, but looking back, we’re not much different from a dog that’s been taken for a walk on its owner’s leash. At the time, we may think we’re living by using our brains in various ways, but in retrospect, we’ve simply been living according to our karma’s reactions. That’s why it’s important to always observe and be aware of ourselves as we live, so we have fewer regrets later. By recognizing patterns like ‘When I do this, that happens!’ or ‘When I do that, this happens!’ and developing the ability to identify causes and predict outcomes through numerous experiences, we can make choices and accept results with fewer regrets later. This is because we can anticipate what outcomes might occur. For instance, if one chooses to marry, they should expect not only the joy of living with a partner but also the challenges of having to adjust to each other. However, we often marry only seeing the positive aspects, without anticipating these difficulties. Don’t think of life as too difficult. Even if you didn’t study hard as a student, you’re still living, right? Everyone has lived well so far, so they’ll continue to do so in the future. Since everyone lives with some degree of suffering, there’s no need to be overly concerned about living a difficult life. It’s okay to accept it as ‘Well, I’ll just live with this suffering.’ However, if you want to live with less suffering, awareness is necessary. In other words, this means ‘self-observation.’ In Chinese characters, it’s called ‘self-awareness.’ You need to live by observing your own state, thinking, ‘Ah, this is how I am!’ This way, you’ll have fewer things to regret later.”

After the lecture, a book signing session was held on stage. Many people lined up in a long queue to receive Sunim’s signature and exchange greetings.

“Sunim, thank you so much. Your lecture has made me truly happy!”

There were many people expressing their gratitude to Sunim.

After the book signing, all the volunteers gathered on stage for a commemorative photo. Today, members of the Seoul and Jeju branches of Jungto Society joined forces to prepare for the lecture.

“Gangwon-Gyeonggi East Branch, fighting!”

After expressing his gratitude to the hardworking volunteers, Sunim made his way to the Jungto Center.

Tomorrow, Sunim will have an early breakfast with a guest visiting the Peace Foundation. In the morning, he will conduct a live broadcast of the Winter Solstice Dharma Assembly. In the afternoon, he will hold a live Dharma Q&A for Jungto Dharma School students, followed by consecutive meetings with guests.