I’m Exhausted After 15 Years of Caring for My Sick Husband

Hello. Today marks the beginning of a 10-day English-interpreted Dharma Q&A lecture tour across the North American West Coast.

Sunim departed from Incheon International Airport yesterday at 6:15 PM and arrived at Seattle International Airport at 12:45 PM local time after a 10-hour and 30-minute flight.

After retrieving luggage and completing U.S. immigration procedures, Sunim was greeted by Dharma Teacher Myomyeong of the Overseas Branch, Dharma Teacher Bophae of Jungto International branch manager, and Ms. Geun-ae Park.

“Thank you for coming such a long way. Welcome to America.”

They immediately drove to the Seattle Jungto Retreat Center. It took only 30 minutes by car from the airport to reach the center.

At the center, Seattle Jungto Society members were gathered, preparing kimbap and other items for the lecture volunteers. After Sunim paid respects at the Dharma hall, the members greeted him with three bows. It had been a year since their last meeting.

“Have you all been well?”

“Yes!”

After exchanging warm greetings, they had lunch together.

The Seattle Jungto Retreat Center serves as a place of practice for members in the Northwest region of the United States. Many people were diligently tending to the grounds. Flowers were blooming in the garden, and various vegetables were growing well in the vegetable patch.

After finishing the meal, they moved to the lecture venue at 3:20 PM.

They arrived at the venue after a 40-minute drive. Today’s lecture is being held at the Eastside Bahá’í Center in the Bellevue area of Seattle.

Volunteers were busy preparing for the lecture, dividing tasks among themselves. Sunim greeted them warmly, shaking hands with the volunteers.

Chetan, Christopher, Ruha, Maxwell, and other foreigners who had graduated from the English-language Jungto Buddhism course, “Jungto Dharma School,” were volunteering in various roles. One of them approached Sunim and expressed their joy in Korean.

“Sunim, it’s been a while. I’m so glad you’re giving a lecture in Seattle.”

“It’s good to see you. Your Korean has improved a lot.” (Laughs)

Before the lecture began, Sunim met with activists from the Evergreen Alliance, a Seattle-based Korean-American civic organization, in the waiting room. There are several Korean-American civic organizations in Seattle, and the Evergreen Alliance organizes various events to foster cooperation among these groups for peace on the Korean Peninsula. Upon hearing about Sunim’s visit to Seattle, the activists came to the lecture venue to seek advice on their activities.

First, Sunim introduced the work he is doing for peace on the Korean Peninsula.

“I have established three organizations for peace on the Korean Peninsula. First, there’s the Peace Foundation, which conducts research activities primarily aimed at peace and unification on the Korean Peninsula. Within the Peace Foundation, we have the Peace Research Institute, which conducts policy research, and the Peace Education Institute, which identifies and nurtures social leader groups. We also carry out peace movements for citizens to take action for peace and unification on the Korean Peninsula. On June 13th, 10,000 people gathered at Jukrimjeongsa Temple in Jangsu to make a ‘Declaration of Peace of 10,000 People,’ stating that there should never be another war on this land.

Second, there’s Good Friends, which initially worked to protect North Korean refugees who had fled to China, and now focuses on supporting the settlement of North Korean defectors in South Korea.

Third, there’s JTS, which provides humanitarian aid to North Korean residents. Even in 2019, when inter-Korean relations rapidly deteriorated after the breakdown of the Hanoi summit, we provided large quantities of corn to orphanages and mining villages in North Korea, which are among the most vulnerable groups. Despite the difficult situation following the failed talks, I personally visited North Korea to confirm that the aid was properly distributed. However, since the COVID-19 pandemic, North Korea has sealed its borders, completely halting humanitarian aid to date. In late July this year, the worst floods in 60 years hit the Amnok River region, creating an urgent need for humanitarian aid to North Korean residents. However, North Korea’s leadership has declared that they will not accept any external assistance, so we are looking for ways to provide humanitarian aid.”

After listening to Sunim’s explanation, the Evergreen Alliance activists requested a lecture from him.

“If you have plans to visit Seattle again, we would like to coordinate with you in advance to give a lecture on ‘Peace on the Korean Peninsula,’ a topic that’s difficult to cover in a general Dharma Q&A. If you let us know your visit plans, we’ll prepare for it.”

Finally, Sunim shared his thoughts on what activities Korean-Americans living in the United States could engage in for peace on the Korean Peninsula.

“If a government makes mistakes in political or economic policies, it’s possible to recover to some extent under the next administration. However, if war breaks out, everything becomes useless. The democracy we’ve fought for over the past 50 years can be quickly destroyed by war, and the national economy can be difficult to recover if just a few factories like Hyundai Motor or Samsung Electronics are bombed. If even one nuclear power plant is hit, the damage would be unimaginable. A large country like the United States might survive with some regions intact even if one area is destroyed, but for a small country like ours, it’s very difficult to return to the previous state after a war. That’s why we must prevent the current war crisis looming over the Korean Peninsula. Regardless of the reason, the stance that ‘war must absolutely be avoided’ is not an issue of either progressives or conservatives. We need to have a clear position on this. To achieve this, we shouldn’t just gather progressives to talk about it.

War Must Never Occur on the Korean Peninsula

Isn’t the Korean-American community here also divided between progressives and conservatives? When American politicians see this, they don’t give much weight to the appeal against war on the Korean Peninsula because they hear different stories from different people. Of course, it’s difficult to even have a dialogue with some extremists. However, it’s necessary to present a unified voice from within our community, integrating both progressive and conservative views. We need to make it known that there is a strong demand from Koreans in the United States that ‘war on the Korean Peninsula is absolutely unacceptable.’
To persuade the United States, we need to explain well that dealing appropriately with North Korea is beneficial for U.S. interests and its strategy against China. While North Korea may not be of great benefit to the U.S., if North Korea were to definitively lean towards China or Russia, it could seriously damage U.S. defense in East Asia. For instance, if a conflict were to arise in Taiwan, and North Korea were to start a war with South Korea, it would be very advantageous for China. With Russia currently at war with Ukraine, if North Korea were to start a war with South Korea in this situation, it would be completely advantageous for Russia. In the past, North Korea was a troublesome entity from China and Russia’s perspective, but now its strategic value has greatly increased. Despite this elevation in North Korea’s strategic position, it seems the U.S. has not yet recognized this fact. When the world was more unified, it was possible to isolate North Korea, but as the world has become divided, North Korea has naturally found allies on one side.

What North Korea Policy Would Benefit Both the United States and South Korea?

Now is the time for the United States to recognize the changed dynamics in East Asia and negotiate with North Korea. In the past, when North Korea was isolated, it was possible to use a carrot-and-stick approach, but this method no longer works. From my perspective, even if we propose a nuclear freeze and normalization of U.S.-North Korea relations, North Korea might not respond. We need to acknowledge that North Korea’s strategic value has increased and engage in dialogue accordingly. However, when I make such suggestions, there are still many officials who can’t move beyond the mindset of “So, are you suggesting we accept North Korea’s nuclear possession?” Therefore, when you meet with U.S. officials, you need to persuade them by asking, “Given the current changed situation, how can we bring even a little peace to the Korean Peninsula while also benefiting U.S. interests?” or “In the long-term competition between the U.S. and China, what strategy would be helpful?” As a monk, it’s easier for me to meet with U.S. officials, but my persuasiveness might be somewhat lacking. I propose things from an integrated perspective, which could be very helpful if accepted, but U.S. officials tend to think, “He’s a monk, so he always says nice things,” which limits the depth of our conversations. So, I ask you to actively engage in efforts for peace on the Korean Peninsula.

“Yes, our organization will work hard and take action as well.”

After an hour of conversation, the meeting concluded. They took a group photo and then moved to the lecture hall.

After watching a video introducing Sunim, the lecture began at 5 PM sharp. With about 200 local foreigners filling the seats, Sunim gave his opening remarks.

“I arrived in Seattle today. This trip has been quite long. First, I attended a symposium on sin, guilt, and remorse organized by the International Association of Psychology in Switzerland. Then, I traveled through Germany, Turkey, Syria, Bhutan, Australia, New Zealand, East Timor, and finally arrived here in Seattle, USA.”

We have more than people in underdeveloped countries, yet we feel frustrated and suffer in our current reality without hope for the future. Seeing this, we must consider what it truly means to live well. I’ll begin our conversation by posing this question to you all.”

Then, anyone could raise their hand and engage in a dialogue with Sunim. Over the course of two hours, seven people asked Sunim questions. The first questioner shared her sadness about losing her husband a few months ago.

I Lost My Husband. How Should I Live Alone?

“I lost my husband a couple of months ago and I’m having a hard time figuring out who I am. And I just wanted your wisdom and how to navigate through the stress that I have is being alone and taking care of everything that I didn’t have to take care of before.”

“Are you worried about your deceased husband? Or are you worried about living alone from now on?”

“Yes, I’m probably more concerned about myself right now because I believe he’s on his next journey. And so for me to move on and just the closure of our relationship and for me to feel happy again and strong and handling things that I’ve never had to handle before.”

“Didn’t you live alone before you got married?”

“I did live alone.”

“What’s the problem with living alone now that your husband has passed away? If living alone is difficult, you can remarry. If being married was hard, then living alone should be comfortable and good. There’s no problem at all.”

“Okay, if you say so. Thank you.”

The questioner’s face brightened after hearing Sunim’s words, and she sat down with a broad smile.

The fourth questioner then shared a situation opposite to the previous one. She explained that after 15 years of marriage, her husband seems very selfish and tiresome, but she can’t leave him because he’s sick. She asked for Sunim’s advice on what to do.

**I’m Exhausted After 15 Years of Caring for My Sick Husband

** “It’s not good right after her. My problem is kind of opposite to hers. I have a sick husband. He’s been sick for about fifteen years, and everybody is nice to him, but I’m kind of getting tired of him. He’s become selfish. I used to feel sorry and empathy for him, but lately, I have been feeling tired and angry. I feel like he is selfish and does not think about me and my feelings. I’m out of patience, and I don’t know what to do. Today seems like a good time to get a better answer or maybe new energy or something.”

“People these days break up even with healthy partners, so what’s so difficult about leaving a sick husband?”

“Yeah, that’s the problem. I can’t leave him, but I’m struggling.”

“Why can’t you leave?”

“Because he’s getting really sick. He has a brain tumor, and he’s going to be bedridden soon and unable to move. So it’s kind of hard for me. I feel like I’d become a really bad person.”

“There’s nothing you can’t leave. You can just leave. It’s not that you can’t leave. It’s that you’re choosing not to leave. You could go right now if you wanted to. It’s not that you can’t leave; it’s that you’re not leaving. This is your choice. This isn’t a command from God, nor is it karma from a past life, nor is it your destiny or compatibility. You’re simply choosing not to leave.”

“But if I leave, after I leave, if my kids will be pointing at me and really mad so they don’t want to see me anymore. Then what should I do?”

“Yes, of course, from the children’s perspective, that would be the case. If their mother left while their father was sick, they would naturally resent their mother. That’s to be expected. You’re currently struggling with caring for your sick husband, but you’re afraid your children will hate you if you leave. You’re weighing the pros and cons between facing your children’s resentment and continuing to care for your sick husband.”

“I just want to get good words or some encouragement to stay with my husband.”

“You don’t have an absolute obligation to care for your husband. The easiest solution would be to just leave. In an era where people leave their partners even when they’re healthy and wealthy, simply because they’re not satisfied, what’s the issue with leaving a sick husband? No child wants their parents to divorce, yet people divorce without considering their children’s feelings when they’re unhappy, don’t they?

When people are considering divorce but have second thoughts, they tell me, ‘I want to get divorced, but I can’t because of the children.’ Sometimes they say, ‘After hearing your advice, I decided not to divorce, but now I think I should because it’s having too negative an impact on the children.’ They make the decision to divorce or not divorce themselves, while using their children as an excuse. Using children as an excuse isn’t truly considering them. If you really cared about your children, you wouldn’t consider divorce in the first place.

Right now, you’re conflicted between what seems beneficial in the present – leaving your husband – and what might be more advantageous in the future. You need to first establish your own perspective: ‘The reason I’m staying now is because I’ve chosen to, believing it’s better in this situation.’ Only then can you move on to the next step of deciding what to do going forward.”

“Actually, I want to stay next to him. But I’m just having a hard time. So, I need some good words. Or give me encouragement or something. Yeah, ha ha. I never thought about leaving him, you know, but it’s kind of a story going weird.”

“No, the conversation is going well. (Laughs) Let me ask you something. Do you get more irritated when you’re healthy or when you’re sick? Do you get more irritated when things go your way or when they don’t? When you’re physically uncomfortable and have difficulty moving, do you find yourself waiting for your husband or children to come home quickly? Or when you’re comfortably at home watching TV, feeling perfectly fine both physically and mentally, do you find yourself eagerly waiting for those who are out to come back home?

You’re healthy now, and your husband is sick. Your husband is at home, needing your help and waiting for you to come back quickly, while you’re busy earning money. So who do you think is more likely to get irritated? Will your husband get more irritated with you, or will you get more irritated with your husband? Logically speaking, do you think a sick person is more likely to get irritated, or a healthy person?”

“Yeah, sick people.”

“Let me ask you one more question in a different way. Would you prefer to be sick, lying in bed and getting irritated with your husband? Or would you prefer to be healthy, taking care of your husband and dealing with his irritation?”

“Second.”

“Right. So, it’s only natural for your husband to be irritable, and your position is better than being in his shoes. Given that you’ve decided not to leave your husband, what’s the problem with your current situation being better than his? No matter how much your husband gets irritated, you should think, ‘Oh, I’m fortunate that I’m not sick.’ But right now, you’re thinking, ‘I go out to earn money, take care of him, and look after the children, but my husband doesn’t appreciate me and gets irritated whenever he sees me.’ That’s why it’s hard. If your husband said, ‘Let’s switch places. You can be sick and lie in bed, and I’ll take care of the children, earn money, and nurse you,’ would you be willing to switch?”

“No. But right now he’s kind of a kid. He’s not adult anymore.”

“When people are sick, they become like children. What does it mean to be like a child? It means not being able to do things for oneself. Sick people can’t do things for themselves. Even the elderly become childlike because they can’t do things for themselves. It’s not just young age that makes someone childlike; anyone who can’t take care of themselves becomes like a child. Whenever you feel this way, try thinking, ‘I’m fortunate that I’m not sick.'”

“That’s not enough for me. I’m at the bottom right now. So I thank you, anyway. Yeah.”

“You’re only thinking about how difficult it is right now, which is making you consider leaving your husband. Try changing your perspective. We don’t know if this situation will last for one year, two years, or three years, but if your husband is sick for a long time, you might regret staying. If he dies quickly, you might regret leaving. Instead, try thinking, ‘The longer my husband lives, the better.’ Try choosing to stay with that mindset. Always remember, ‘The sick person is suffering more. Even one more day of life is good for the children.’ Especially in the terminal stage, the pain becomes severe, causing more irritability. So, try saying to your husband, ‘Honey, it’s hard, but please try to live a bit longer for the children.’ No matter how difficult it is for you, it’s not as hard as the pain your husband is enduring. And if you’re still unsure, then leave. There are only two paths: First, you can comfort yourself by thinking about the person who is suffering more, or second, you can continue to suffer because of this difficulty. Do you want to live while suffering? Or live lightly? These are your only choices, excluding the option of leaving.”

“Okay.”

“I fully understand that the situation is difficult. If it’s hard, you can leave, but why can’t you? The point is that not leaving is also your choice. If you’ve made a choice, you need to take responsibility for the consequences. At that point, you can choose to live while suffering or to live without suffering. The choice between these two is all that remains. The path without suffering is to understand that the sick person is having a harder time than you. No matter how hard you work outside, when he gets irritable, it’s because he’s in a more difficult situation than you. So, you should willingly comfort him by saying, ‘Honey, did you wait long?’ If you don’t want to do that, you can leave.”

“Yes. Thank you.”

The questioner sat down with a broad smile on her face. The audience applauded loudly to show their support.

The questions continued.

What kind of organizations contribute to social peace, and what kind hinder it?

How does meditation lead to peace of mind and enlightenment?

What’s the difference between studying scriptures and practicing meditation as methods to reach enlightenment?

Isn’t suffering an obstacle to my personal growth?

In the United States, even young students live in fear due to the risk of gun violence. How can we help them?

I’m confused about how to balance affection and discipline for my children.

Before we knew it, the promised two hours had passed after the dialogue. Finally, Sunim emphasized the importance of living independently and helping others as he concluded the lecture.

“The Buddha’s teachings are not special doctrines, but a dialogue about moving from a state of suffering to a state without suffering. In Indian, this is called ‘Nirvana.’ The goal of practice is to reach Nirvana. The goal of practice is not to go to a good place after death or to receive some kind of blessing. Buddhism guides you to live freely without suffering while you’re alive. Right now, most of you are using your energy to torment yourselves. You can’t live your life on your own, so you’re always asking others for help. You even ask for help from God and Buddha.

The Path of a Practitioner: Self-Reliance and Helping Others

Look at nature. Even small insects live their own lives. Rabbits and squirrels all live their own lives. The only exception is when they’re young. So, you too should stop asking others for help and live on your own. If you just stop tormenting yourself, you’ll have enough energy to live on your own and have some left over. We should use that excess energy to help those in need. A practitioner is someone who is self-reliant while also helping others, even if just a little. I hope you live such a free life.”

After concluding the lecture with a big round of applause, a book signing session began on stage at 7:20 PM. Attendees expressed their gratitude to Sunim while receiving autographs. During the signing, many Korean international students were also visible.

“My mother in Korea asked me to convey her greetings. She said her mind has become more at ease after listening to Sunim’s YouTube videos. Thank you.”

“Thanks to Sunim, I’ve been able to endure the challenges of studying abroad. Thank you.”

A foreigner who attended last year’s lecture and came again this year presented Sunim with a hanging scroll depicting Buddha as a gift.

“Thanks to your lecture, a lot of the suffering I had has disappeared. Thank you.”

After the book signing, Sunim took a commemorative photo with the volunteers who prepared the lecture.

“Seattle!”

Sunim gifted a book to Ms. Kim Ho-kyung, who oversaw the lecture.

“Thank you. You’ve worked hard.”

After expressing gratitude to the volunteers, Sunim left the lecture hall. Chetan, whose hometown is India, greeted Sunim.

“I also want to volunteer in India and Bhutan.”

“Is that so? Volunteering is good. Please contact us.”

After exchanging greetings, Sunim departed from the lecture hall and arrived back at the retreat center at 8:30 PM.

Having taken a 10-hour flight and immediately giving a lecture, Sunim was extremely tired. After a late dinner, Sunim went straight to bed.

Tomorrow, Sunim will cross the Canadian border in the morning to travel to Vancouver. In the afternoon, Sunim will give the second lecture of the North American West Coast tour for local foreigners, and then return to the Seattle retreat center in the evening.