Aug 22, 2024 – Meeting with North Korea Experts, Peace Foundation Meeting, Departure from Korea
Good morning. A new day has dawned at the Seoul Jungto Center.
Sunim began his day with a breakfast meeting with North Korea experts at 7 AM, after completing his morning practice and meditation. After enjoying a meal prepared by the Peace Foundation staff, Sunim examined the living conditions of North Koreans and checked changes in exchange rates and food prices.
Following a discussion about the current flood recovery efforts in North Korea, particularly in the Sinuiju area which was recently hit by severe flooding, the meeting concluded with a deep concern over the current government’s distortion of history and violation of constitutional principles, as demonstrated during the August 15 Liberation Day celebration.
At 11:30 AM, Sunim had lunch and a conversation with members of the National Assembly who came to visit him at the Peace Foundation. He urged the politicians to overcome the intensifying political conflicts between the ruling and opposition parties, as well as the tensions between North and South Korea, and to play a role in achieving peace on the Korean Peninsula.
After seeing off the guests, Sunim packed for his month-long overseas schedule. He completed his agenda in Korea and departed from the Seoul Jungto Center at 3 PM for Incheon International Airport.
Upon arriving at Incheon International Airport, Sunim completed the departure procedures and worked at the gate before boarding the flight to Switzerland.
The flight departed from Incheon International Airport at 6 PM and flew for 9 hours and 45 minutes. Sunim slept in his seat throughout the night. The plane arrived at Abu Dhabi Airport, the layover destination, at 10:15 PM local time. It was past 4 AM Korean time.
While waiting for the next flight at Abu Dhabi Airport, Sunim proofread manuscripts and worked on other tasks.
After spending 4 hours at Abu Dhabi Airport, Sunim boarded another flight at 2:50 AM. The plane departed from Abu Dhabi Airport for Zurich, Switzerland. Sunim fell asleep again while proofreading manuscripts.
The flight is scheduled to arrive at Zurich Airport in Switzerland at 7:25 AM local time after 6 hours and 40 minutes of travel.
As there was no Dharma talk today, this post will be conclud by sharing a conversation between a questioner and Sunim from last week’s Friday live Q&A session.
I’m Angry at My Husband Who Comes Home Late Every Day and Puts Work Before Family and Child
“Has your husband had an affair?”
“No, he hasn’t.”
“Has your husband incurred significant financial losses?”
“No, he hasn’t.”
“Has your husband committed fraud or caused any incidents that could lead to criminal prosecution?”
“No, nothing like that.”
“Does your child like or dislike their father?”
“The child doesn’t spend much time with their father, but they do like him.”
“Then there’s no harm to you, is there? There might not be much benefit, but there’s no harm either.”
“I feel sad that our child doesn’t have memories with their father.”
“Did Jumong establish Goguryeo because he had memories with his father?”
“No, that’s not the case.”
“If your husband was abusing the child, causing trouble at home when drunk, or meeting another woman who then came to your house – these would be actions that harm the child’s mental health and could be grounds for complaint. But your husband just isn’t playing with the child as much as you want, right? He’s not causing any particular problems. I think you should stop these unnecessary thoughts.”
“When I ask my husband something while living in the same house, he often gets irritated.”
“Then don’t ask. You know he gets irritated when you ask, so just don’t ask.”
“I’m worried that our child might imitate such behavior if they see their father acting this way.”
“You’re the one who’s frustrated by your husband’s behavior, aren’t you? Stop using the child as an excuse. Your husband not talking doesn’t harm the child at all. In fact, it’s more problematic when parents argue loudly.”
“I think it’s not good for the child’s emotional well-being to see the couple showing such cold behavior towards each other.”
“Why are you behaving coldly toward your husband in front of your child? If you think cold behavior is not good, why don’t you treat your husband kindly?”
“I try to be kind to my husband, but when he responds that way, I get angry too.”
“You don’t have to expect a favorable response. When your husband leaves for work, just say ‘Have a good day’ and don’t wait for a response. When he comes home, just say ‘Welcome back’ and don’t expect a reply. If you’re really worried about the child, you should stop getting angry at your husband.”
“I’m worried that our child might imitate their father’s behavior.”
“Why do you keep making excuses about the child instead of honestly saying that you’re not happy with your husband? Stop making excuses and tell me about yourself. From the examples you’ve given, there’s no problem for the child. The problem is you. It’s you who’s negatively affecting the child by treating your husband coldly, not your husband himself. Your husband works hard at the company and comes home after having a drink in the evening. It would be better if he didn’t, but what can you do about it now? How can you live together in the same house if you can’t even tolerate that much and keep finding fault with your husband?”
“I know he’s busy and work is hard, but shouldn’t childcare be shared when both parents are working? He leaves all the childcare to me.”
“Then you should ask your husband. Say, ‘It’s hard for me to do all the childcare alone. Let’s split it half and half.’ Try talking to him like that. Then, do you split the rent and living expenses equally with your husband? Or does your husband pay more?”
“My husband is paying more.”
“If your husband is paying more for rent and living expenses, shouldn’t you do more of the childcare? It doesn’t make sense to want to do everything your way but then ask to split responsibilities equally. If you suggest splitting childcare equally, your husband might say, ‘Then let’s split living expenses equally too,’ right?”
“But I’m deliberately working less to take care of our child.”
“That’s a decision you made because you thought it was better, right? On the other hand, your husband probably thought it was better to earn more money instead of spending time playing with the child, so that’s what he’s doing, isn’t he?”
“But when he drinks after work, he always comes home late.”
“Why would he want to come home early when his wife is always nagging and getting irritated? You should be grateful that he comes home at all.
Are you thinking, ‘Sunim is a man too, so he’s not taking my side and only taking my husband’s side’? (laughs)
You’re being too greedy. Of course, it would be nice if your husband did everything you wanted, but he’s not built that way, is he? Your husband prioritizes his company work, earning money, and needs to drink late. For such a person, it’s better to say ‘Honey, good job’ and prepare a drink for him when he comes home, rather than asking him to share childcare. He’ll find it much more fun and comfortable to have a drink with his wife at home than drinking outside. Then he won’t drink outside. At bars, they treat him like a king as long as he pays, right? Your husband wants to be treated like a king at home because he earns money, but his wife treats him like a servant and keeps nagging, so he’d rather spend money outside and be treated well.
From the perspective of gender equality, where the husband should share childcare equally, your husband could be seen as problematic. But looking at universal human psychology, your perspective seems too self-centered right now.”
“I see, I understand.”
“If you don’t want to live with your husband anymore, just file for divorce. There’s no need to beat around the bush.”
“I could if we didn’t have a child.”
“You’re using the child as an excuse again. Living with your husband is for the child’s sake, not divorcing is for the child’s sake, your husband coming home late is a problem for the child’s sake. Stop using the child as an excuse and speak from your own perspective. If you want a divorce, just say, ‘Honey, I can’t live with you anymore. Let’s get a divorce.’ As for who will raise the child, you can discuss it: ‘I’ll raise the child, so you provide living expenses, or if you raise the child, I’ll pay child support.’
You’re thinking too much. You might be wondering why I’m only taking the man’s side today. But if you think like this, it’s hard to maintain a marriage. Even in a marriage, people can have different personalities and preferences. You need to give each other some freedom while living together. If you keep thinking that only you are right and your husband is wrong, your marriage can’t be happy. It’s you who’s uncomfortable with your husband’s behavior. You need to honestly admit this fact and stop saying things like ‘It’s fine for me, but it’s bad for the child, so you shouldn’t behave like that.’ You should honestly say that you’re uncomfortable.”
“Yes, you’re right. I am the one who’s uncomfortable.”
“Now, stop using the child as an excuse and talk about your own feelings. Saying that your husband coming home late is a bad influence on the child is not true. If you ask the child, ‘Would you prefer your dad to come home late, or would you prefer your mom and dad not to live together?’, what do you think they would answer? The child would probably say that although it’s not good for dad to come home late, it’s still better for mom and dad to live together.
Is it really better for the child if you divorce so that the child doesn’t see their father drinking and coming home late? From the child’s perspective, isn’t it better for mom and dad to live together, even if dad drinks and comes home late? Even if it’s not the best option but a second-best or lesser evil, children want to live with both parents. So stop using the child as an excuse. Your husband isn’t a problem for the child.
The problem is your own feelings. Thoughts like ‘Why should I keep living with this person?’ or ‘I want to live with someone more affectionate’ are all your desires. If you keep having such thoughts, you need to honestly express your desires to your husband.
‘For me, having conversations and living affectionately is more important than you earning a lot of money. I can’t stand it anymore when you don’t even talk to me. I’ve been enduring it for the child’s sake, but now my life is just as important as the child’s. So let’s either come to an agreement through conversation, or let’s divorce.’
Try raising the issue like this. Stop hiding behind the child, making excuses about the child, and acting as if you have no problems. All the complaints you’ve mentioned so far are not the child’s complaints, but your own. Do you understand what the problem is? Do you feel like I don’t understand your feelings?”
“I think I’ve been using the child as an excuse and shifting responsibility.”
“Honestly think about whether it’s better to live with this person or not. If you decide ‘I can’t live with this person no matter how much money he makes,’ then you can make the decision to divorce, with you at the center. But if you think, ‘It’s not as much as I want, but from living together so far, there’s nothing particularly harmful, and the child needs a father figure,’ then try living together like ‘You live your way, and I’ll live my way.’ You’d have to live alone even if you divorce, so you might conclude that ‘It’s better to have a husband because I receive living expenses and there are many good points.’ Conversely, if you conclude ‘I don’t want to live like this even if I’m given a fortune,’ then you can demand a divorce saying, ‘Honey, living like this is not the life I dreamed of. I want to meet someone more affectionate and live with them.’ Though you don’t know if you can meet such a person or not.”
“I see. I got angry because I thought my husband wasn’t treating our child well, but after listening to you, I realize that our child probably liked their father just as he is. I’ll lower my expectations of my husband and try to treat him better.”
“How can you expect to do well according to your standards? Stop being greedy and trying to do well. Just don’t hate or argue. If he comes home at 3 AM, just say, ‘You’re home early. Thank you.’ Coming home at 3 AM is early, isn’t it? Try making jokes like this. When he gives you living expenses, try saying, ‘Thank you, honey.’ The questioner probably never said thank you, thinking ‘I’m just getting what I deserve’ every month. If your husband occasionally plays with the child, try complimenting him, ‘The child’s face lights up when playing with dad.’ Just compliment him, and your husband will quickly improve. Try complimenting him on everything for just 100 days. If he leaves for work late, compliment him by saying, ‘Thank you for staying home longer.’ If he leaves early, say, ‘Thank you for going to work early.’ If he comes home late, say, ‘Thank you for coming home.’ Try giving compliments like this.
I asked you a few questions from the beginning, didn’t I? Whether he had an affair, caused financial loss, lost money in stock investments – I asked several questions, and there were no problems. The only issue is that he doesn’t meet your expectations, but there’s no one in this world who can fully meet our expectations. I already said you should get divorced if you can’t stand it. But since having a father is good for the child, try lowering your expectations of your husband a bit and live together while giving compliments. If it becomes bearable to live together again, then just continue living together. If you really can’t live with him, don’t use the child as an excuse. You need to honestly tell your husband that you’re struggling.”
“Thank you. I understand well.”
Starting tomorrow, Sunim will attend a 3-day international symposium in Zurich, Switzerland, on the theme “In Search of Traces of Sin.” He will discuss and lecture on sin and guilt with European psychologists, legal scholars, anthropologists, sociologists, and philosophers.
A Day in the Life of Sunim is translated by AI, edited by volunteers
