Aug 19, 2024 – Eye and Dental Appointments, Peace Foundation Meeting
Good morning. A new day has dawned at the Seoul Jungto Center.
After completing his morning practice and meditation, Sunim attended to some work before going to the hospital at 10 AM for an eye examination. He received treatment for his bloodshot eyes that had persisted for several days, then moved on to a dental appointment. After returning from the hospital, Sunim met with Kwon Young-sun, the Planning Committee Chairman of the Peace Foundation, to discuss the 20th anniversary celebration of the Peace Foundation.
At 2 PM, Kim Ye-hee, who had been involved with Jungto Society activities in Munich, Germany, long ago, visited Sunim to pay her respects. They exchanged greetings, had a conversation, and took a commemorative photo.
At 3 PM, Sunim had another meeting with the Planning Committee Chairman of the Peace Foundation.
At 4:30 PM, Sunim went to an optician to get new glasses fitted to his vision and then returned to the Jungto Center.
As the sun set, Sunim reviewed all his overseas schedules for the latter half of the year and proofread some manuscripts before concluding his day.
Since there was no Dharma talk today, the article will be ended by sharing a conversation between a questioner and Sunim from last week’s Friday Dharma Q&A.
I Can’t Forgive Someone Who Insults Me at Work
“He said things like I have a strong victim mentality, that I don’t work, and that I’m a strange person.”
“Are these things actually true about you?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then, do you think your colleagues will believe what that person says, or will they believe what they see of you?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Doesn’t that mean you lack confidence?”
“Since I haven’t been with the company for long, I think my colleagues might trust that person more than me because they’ve been there longer.”
“If that person often speaks badly about others, your colleagues probably already find it difficult to trust what they say. You’ve only been there a short time and you’ve already figured out what that person is like. Do you think your colleagues who have worked with them for a long time know what kind of person they are, or not?”
“I think they probably know.”
“Your colleagues know that person better than you do. So from my perspective, you don’t have much to worry about. Your colleagues know that person better than you do because they’ve worked together longer. If what you’re seeing of that person is true, then people who have worked there longer will know him even better than you do. Therefore, you don’t need to worry about what that person says.
On the other hand, there’s a possibility that what that person says is true. If your colleagues, who have known that person much longer than you, trust what they say, then you might be misjudging that person. So their comment about you having a victim mentality might be accurate. In this case, you need to examine yourself. If after self-reflection, you find that you don’t particularly have a victim mentality as they claimed, then you should trust your colleagues. You’re not the only smart one, and your colleagues aren’t all fools. They all have their own thoughts. So if you trust your colleagues, the issue will resolve itself over time.
If all your colleagues also think it’s a problem that this person constantly badmouths others, then you don’t need to worry anymore. Your colleagues won’t believe what that person says, regardless of what they say. They’re just responding with ‘uh-huh, uh-huh’ when that person speaks because they don’t want to argue. So unless your colleagues are joining in to insult you, you can think, ‘Ah, people are just listening when that person talks like that.’ From my perspective, this isn’t a big concern. It will naturally resolve itself over time.”
“But I’m more troubled by the fact that I can’t forgive my colleague, rather than the fact that I was insulted.”
“It’s true that you’re troubled, but that colleague probably didn’t intend to hurt you. They were just acting according to their nature. It could be that they’re teasing the newcomer a bit, or it could just be their usual behavior. What can you do about that person’s personality? If you were the boss, you could fire them, but you’re not, right? If you really can’t stand it, you could quit the job. That would solve the problem. But right now, isn’t it more important for you to continue your economic activities at this job rather than making an issue of that person’s personality? In that case, it’s better to just think, ‘I guess there are people like that too,’ and move on.
How can you expect to like everything about your company and all your colleagues? Such a company doesn’t exist. Even when teachers are teaching children, there are always one or two troublemakers in every class. It might seem like everything would be fine if only that child wasn’t there, but even if that child transfers, someone else will start causing trouble. Right now, that colleague’s behavior is all you can see, so you think everything would be fine if they weren’t there. But if that person disappears, someone else will start bothering you. That’s just how human perception works.
Let’s say your face looks pretty good, but your nose is a bit low, so you think if you just raised your nose a bit, you’d be quite good-looking. So you get a nose job. You might think you’d be satisfied after that, right? But that’s not the end. After raising your nose, you start thinking your eyes could be a bit bigger. So you get double eyelid surgery. After the double eyelid surgery, your chin seems to stick out a bit, so you shave it down. It’s always like this – when you fix one thing, something else becomes a problem. It’s the same when renovating a house. After fixing the most necessary part, you notice another part, and after fixing that, you notice yet another part. This is how human thinking flows.
Since you haven’t been with the company for long, it might be good to observe the situation a bit longer. Take about six months to a year to see if you’re the problem, as that person says, or if that person is the problem. If most of your colleagues also say you’re the problem, then you need to recognize that. If that person is the problem, then after some time, when you get closer to your colleagues, they’ll probably tell you, ‘That’s just how that person is. Don’t worry about it.’ So it’s necessary to wait a bit longer. From my perspective, it’s not a big deal.
It seems like you think everyone should praise you. That person is probably a senior at the company in their own way, and they might say such things because they don’t like the new person. People say all sorts of things behind others’ backs. Can we insult Kim Jong-un if we live in North Korea? But in South Korea, people say all sorts of insults. The people who insult Kim Jong-un the most wouldn’t dare open their mouths if they were in North Korea. They’d probably praise Kim Jong-un instead. In front of the president, everyone says he’s doing a good job running the country. But when friends are sitting together, they often criticize the president. So why are you making such a fuss just because someone said some bad things about you when you weren’t there?”
“They insulted me as if they wanted me to hear it when I was present.”
“If what that person is saying is true, you can say ‘Thank you for pointing that out.’ If it’s not true, you can say ‘That’s not correct.'”
“They continued to insult me even after we argued.”
“First of all, the fact that you, as a new employee, argued with a senior colleague is wrong in itself. If a new employee who just joined the company talks back and argues just because a senior said something, there might be a problem with your personality too. You need to laugh these things off to survive in a company. The company isn’t your home, and your colleagues aren’t your lovers, so how can you expect everything to be to your liking? The more you respond like this, the more likely it is that people around you will think, ‘This new employee is the problem.’
You say you can’t forgive that senior’s behavior, but in fact, there’s nothing to forgive. That person isn’t doing anything particularly wrong. You should think, ‘I guess that’s just how that person is. Maybe I responded a bit too sensitively.’ Forgiveness is for when someone has done something wrong. Talking about ‘forgiving’ or ‘not forgiving’ is only relevant when the other person has done something wrong, but from what I hear, it’s just a difference in personalities. This is a common occurrence when you live in the world and form relationships with various people. If you observe a bit longer, it will resolve itself naturally. When you realize this isn’t a big deal, you won’t need to talk about forgiving or not forgiving. If you still think that person is a problem after six months to a year, then you can try talking to them. If not, and you think you’re the problem, you can accept that ‘Maybe I responded too sensitively.’
Wherever you go, there are always people who act territorial. If you were to study abroad or immigrate to another country, you’d have to endure being teased or ostracized by the locals. The same applies when you join a company as a new employee. Everywhere, when new employees join, they’re often intentionally given a hard time under the name of ‘initiation.’ These days, such cultures have largely disappeared due to the importance of human rights. So unless the treatment is so severe that it could be legally problematic, you need to endure this level of treatment to survive in society. You can’t survive in society if you take issue with every little thing.
Why are parents becoming a problem in schools now? When children go to school, they sometimes fight with friends, and then teachers scold them, right? But when children behave at school like they do at home, complain to their mothers when they’re scolded, and mothers come to school to protest, teachers are now crying out that it’s difficult. Most public opinion now is that it’s not the teachers who are the problem, but that parents are excessively protesting to the school. When children first go to school, they might cry and have a hard time adapting, but problems arise when people try to avoid this process. Similarly, since you’ve joined the company as a new employee, unless there are severe problems like assault or sexual harassment, you need to adopt an attitude of ‘That’s how it is’ and wait a bit. If it continues after six months or a year, then you should raise the issue. Right now, since you’ve just joined, if you openly insult and fight because someone talked behind your back a bit, people will think, ‘This new employee is quite bold from the start.’ This makes it harder for you to adapt to the company.
That doesn’t mean you need to go and apologize deliberately. From now on, don’t make a big deal out of it, just smile and talk with that person, and if they criticize you, just say ‘I understand!’ If they say something that’s not true, you can say ‘Well, I don’t think that’s correct’ and move on. There’s no point in trying to confirm the truth or falsity of everything.”
“Thank you. After listening to you, I’ve realized that I have some issues too.”
“When you start your career and have to work under such a difficult person from the beginning, it might be bad now, but it will be good later. When you’re transferred to another department or move to another company, you’ll think, ‘I worked under that person before, so this is nothing.’ So this isn’t necessarily a bad situation. The company keeps that person around because they need them. If the company thought they weren’t necessary, they would have fired them already. So don’t hate that person, try to accept it as ‘Let’s try to get along with this kind of person too.’
People who criticize and insult you rarely cause you economic harm. Most people who cause you economic loss are usually very kind and say nice things. People who are nice to you are very likely to cause you economic loss. But people who insult or criticize you can never be con artists. Because for you to be deceived, that person needs to appear good to you. So one thing is certain: people who insult and criticize you are not likely to cause you financial harm. This is because you dislike that person, so there’s no reason for you to be deceived by them.
On the contrary, you should be very careful of people who are too nice to you and comfort you, making you like them a lot. Such people are very likely to cause you harm by attempting investment fraud or asking to borrow money. So you can actually feel at ease with ill-tempered people who curse, because at least they’re not con artists. Conversely, it’s better to be more cautious of kind people, both in and out of the company. You can gain this wisdom through numerous life experiences. This is what life is about.”
“Yes, thank you.”
Tomorrow morning, Sunim will have a meeting with the International Cooperation Team and JTS representatives regarding the overseas schedule for the second half of the year. In the afternoon, he will have consecutive meetings with visitors to the Peace Foundation.
A Day in the Life of Sunim is translated by AI, edited by volunteers
