-An extract from Venerable Pomnyun’s book, Life Lessons–
P: We all go through the four phases of life: birth, aging, sickness, and death in our lives, and we often do things we end up regretting because we fail to be thankful for our blessings. A mother related to me about how she has been continually confronted with unfortunate incidents since the loss of her son.
Q: “Starting 15 days prior to Buddha’s birthday I prayed early in the morning every day for 73 days for my son who had been preparing for the SAT. Despite my devoted prayers, unthinkable tragedies have happened to me. I have lost my smart and kind eldest son, and right after his death, my younger son broke his leg. Then, I was hit by a car while waiting at a traffic light but was declared to be the offender. It’s devastating enough that I have lost my son. I don’t understand why these unfortunate things are happening to me.”
P: This mother prayed for her son to study hard and get accepted into a good college. But, if she had known that he was going to die, she would have instead prayed for his safety and health. This is to say she didn’t realize how grateful she should be by the fact that her son was alive because she was so concerned about her son getting accepted into a good college. However, when her son died, she realized that being a good student and going to a good college was not important at all.
How should a mother pray if she truly loves her child? She should pray, “I am thankful that my child is alive, I don’t want anything else as long as my child is safe.”
However, what has already happened is irreversible. The mother described her son as a good person, so she should believe that he went to heaven. The mother should think, “My son went to heaven at such a young age because he was such a good person.”
If the mother grieves too much for her son and doesn’t let go of her attachment to him, her son’s spirit may not be able to move on to the other world. The mother should pray for her son to go to heaven quickly.
Also, the mother should realize how fortunate it is that her younger son only fractured his leg. Her older son is dead, but thankfully, her younger son only fractured his leg and is still alive. She should view the situation in a positive way.
If she can be calm about her younger son’s injury, she can be more composed about being held responsible for a car accident she did not cause. Compared to losing her son, having some dents on her car is definitely not a big deal. Having experienced an unthinkable tragedy, she can shrug off the car accident as a trivial incident.
It is actually not such a big deal if she thinks, “I could have died or fractured my leg in the car accident, but I was very lucky to only have my car rear-ended. All I had to deal with were a few dents on my car.” If she can view the situation this way, the accident is not such a big deal. That is why I say it’s not a problem. It is possible that the mother and her younger son could also have died like her oldest son, but they didn’t. The younger son just broke his leg, and the mother was in a car accident but was not hurt. Since things could have been much worse, the mother should actually be thankful and live her life to the fullest.
If someone walks by and trips her, she should be able to say calmly, “I even made it through the loss of my son. There is nothing that I can’t overcome.” She has nothing to fear in life. Since she lived through the death of her son, she’ll be able to live on even if she loses all her money and even if her house burns down. This is a big realization she could obtain through the death of her son, and it is actually a big gift her son left behind. If the mother continues to grieve deeply about the death of her son, it means that he has left suffering for his mother. However, if she gains wisdom from this experience, it means that her son has left behind a precious gift.
Anytime she is confronted with difficulties in her life, she should try to think this way: “I’ve received a big gift from my son. In the past, I would have been miserable and frantic if something like this had happened to me. However, after losing my son, I have realized that a difficulty like this isn’t such a big deal.”
Things that happen to us are neither good nor bad. They just happen. If we perceive them positively, they become good things, and if we perceive them negatively, they become bad things. We are the ones who decide whether what we experience is good or bad.
Also, when we fail in something, that is neither good nor bad. Whether we fail in a relationship or in business, if we are traumatized by it, we will be afraid to enter into a relationship or begin a business in the future. The fear of failing again will be a handicap.
I was once tortured in the past. If I had taken it negatively, it would have become the worst trauma in my life, and I would have had deep animosity towards the people who tortured me. However, because I was able to take it as an experience, it became an opportunity for me to become enlightened. Most people are hurt by the bad experiences they have in their lives. Because they hold on to their hurt feelings, they cannot be free of suffering. It is important to accept any experiences we have had as life lessons that will enhance our lives. People who can do this will become stronger the more difficulties they experience and will become more capable of overcoming adversity.
The loss of a child can be indescribably painful to parents. However, if they are able to be enlightened about life through this tragic experience, they will be able to live their lives more boldly than any other person. They may realize, “What could be more devastating than losing our child? Since we have lived through it, there won’t be an adversity that we can’t overcome.” Whatever disasters occur in the world, they will be able to deal with them calmly even if others are devastated by them.
