September 5, 2025 – Farm Work, Friday Dharma Q&A
Hello. Today, Sunim worked on the farm at Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center and held a live Friday Dharma Q&A in the evening.
At 3 AM, Sunim left Seoul and headed to Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center. After driving for 3 hours and 30 minutes, he arrived at the retreat center at 6:30 AM. After a simple breakfast, he toured the vegetable garden.
“We can plant napa cabbage in this field, radishes in that field, and cilantro and lettuce in the back field.”
After touring the fields, Sunim took a rest due to a migraine.
To avoid the hot midday sun, farm work began at 4 PM. First, Sunim started planting napa cabbage seedlings. He watered the ground thoroughly and carefully planted each seedling one by one, making sure not to damage the roots. After planting, he watered them generously again.
Next, he planted radish seeds. He brought the radish seeding machine used by the farming team and tried using it.
“Are the seeds coming out properly?”
Since it didn’t seem like the seeds were coming out, he tested the machine on bare ground and found that no seeds were coming out at all. In the end, he planted the radish seeds one by one by hand.
He then sowed cilantro seeds and finally planted lettuce seedlings as well. Working continuously for 2 hours, he completed all the planned tasks. Though drenched in sweat from head to toe, Sunim smiled brightly as he looked around the fields.
After washing up briefly and having dinner, he also toured the greenhouse and rice paddies.
As the sun set, Sunim headed to the broadcasting room at Dubuk Retreat Center. From 7:30 PM, he began the live Friday Dharma Q&A.
With about 3,900 people connected to the YouTube live stream, Sunim gave his opening remarks.
“Over the past two weeks, I visited cities with large Korean communities in the western regions of North America and Oceania to hold Dharma Q&A sessions. Originally, I was scheduled to hold a Dharma Q&A in Indonesia today, but due to political instability in Indonesia, with demonstrations and some violent incidents occurring in downtown Jakarta, the lecture was canceled. So after finishing my lecture in Perth, Australia, I returned directly to Seoul yesterday evening without stopping in Indonesia. Early this morning, I went down to Gyeongju and planted fall kimchi cabbage in the vegetable garden. I also sowed fall radish seeds and cilantro seeds, which we eat a lot at the temple. Fall cabbage grows well in cool weather, but it’s still as hot as midsummer, so the planted cabbage might die and we might have to replant several times. Since I’ll be going to Europe again the day after tomorrow to tour various cities for lectures, and then visit several Southeast Asian countries, next week’s Friday Dharma Q&A will likely be held from Europe.”
He then had conversations with those who had submitted questions in advance. Four people pressed the raise hand button and asked Sunim questions. One of them felt guilty because his feelings were shaken by his girlfriend’s scars and asked Sunim for advice on how to truly love her.
My Feelings for My Girlfriend Have Changed After Seeing Her Scars
“If this is not someone you’re obligated to meet but rather a relationship based on your free choice, then whatever choice you make is your freedom. So you don’t need to feel guilty, you don’t need to pity the other person, and you don’t need to feel sorry. This is because we originally live independently and meet for various reasons. Whether we meet for economic reasons, as friends, through a hiking club, or as lovers or spouses, meeting as adults is a matter of personal choice.” 
However, people can feel aversion due to things like dark skin color or different ethnicity or nationality. You might meet someone in Japan and later find out they’re not Japanese but from another country, or discover their religion is Islam, which might make you feel somewhat uncomfortable. As we get to know someone, we might like them more, or conversely, we might discover problems. So you don’t need to feel guilty about breaking up after dating. Also, in today’s world, there’s no reason not to choose someone just because they have dark skin. We now live in an era where the whole world interacts across races, ethnicities, and nations. People of different religions also marry and live together while respecting each other’s faith.
However, marriage and dating are somewhat different. In dating, it’s fine as long as both people like each other. It’s okay if the person is twenty years older than me, a foreigner, twenty years younger, or has a disability. Dating is about mutual affection. But marriage is about forming a family. When you marry, your wife’s mother becomes your family, and your mother becomes your wife’s family, doesn’t she? So your mother, as someone accepting a new family member, can express her opinion. She might say ‘I don’t want a foreigner as a family member’ or ‘As a Christian, I don’t want a Muslim of a different religion as a family member.’ Family members might object if a woman is twenty years older than you or, conversely, too young. So there’s a difference between whether you’re going to marry or just date. While dating prioritizes feelings of affection, marriage requires considering issues related to family membership. That’s why in the past, people would marry strangers even without any feelings of affection if family members requested it. But you seem to think of dating and marriage as the same thing. You can’t date without feelings of affection, but marriage can happen without liking someone as long as it works for the family unit. So there are people who work as romantic partners but not as family members, and people who work as family members but not as romantic partners. It’s better if your romantic partner and marriage partner are the same person, but that’s not always the case.
Similarly, if you become romantically involved with someone and then discover they have a different religion or have boils or scars on their body that make you lose interest, that’s also natural. In such situations, you can understand why you liked that person. In your case, you can realize that ‘I liked their body.’ If you liked someone for their face and they got scars on their face from an accident, what would happen? You wouldn’t marry them. If you married someone thinking they were wealthy but they suddenly went bankrupt and lost all their assets, the marriage would break up, wouldn’t it? If you married someone because they were a prince but the kingdom fell, the relationship wouldn’t continue. So depending on what you liked about them, the relationship might change or it might not. If you liked the person for their heart, it wouldn’t matter if they had facial scars or if their face became disfigured in an accident. If you didn’t choose them for their status, it wouldn’t matter to you whether they were famous or not. But if you married for wealth or looks, your feelings would inevitably change when they lost their wealth or their appearance changed. 
When your partner undergoes some change and you decide to end the relationship, it ultimately comes down to ‘what you liked about them in the first place.’ The reason you’re struggling with this issue is actually because you placed a lot of emphasis on appearance and physical attributes. You’re judging the scars as flaws. When you only saw her face, it seemed fine, but after seeing her body with scars here and there, your feelings are wavering. This is simply a reaction that occurs because you placed significant weight on appearance – it’s not a matter of good or bad. It depends on whether you like someone for their body or their heart. If you liked her for her heart, the scars wouldn’t be an issue, but if her heart changed, then you would end the relationship. So you can make your own judgment and decision on this matter.
You also need to consider whether the keloids are simply skin scars or a genetic condition. If there’s a genetic factor, you need to accept in advance that it could appear in your children as well. You should be willing to accept such aspects of your spouse, not make it an issue later because it’s a genetic condition. After considering these points, it’s fine to choose ‘dating is possible but I won’t marry.’ You don’t need to feel guilty about not marrying someone you dated.
Ultimately, what perspective you have is important. Hesitating means you expected your girlfriend’s body to be nice, but seeing the scars made you waver. If that’s the case, it’s fine to stop, or conversely, if you place more weight on her heart or other aspects, you need to accept this and move forward. In the past, when getting married, even if someone didn’t like their partner’s face, they would marry for wealth if the family was rich. Also, if someone had high social status, people would marry them even if they were a scoundrel, because they needed the benefits of that status or wealth. Ultimately, you just need to make a decision based on what you prioritize – there’s no need to judge it as good or bad.”
“Thanks to you, Sunim, I realized that I developed feelings for her with a heavy emphasis on physical appearance. As you said, I think I can make a decision by judging what I consider more important. Then, when would be a good time to decide whether to marry someone while dating?”
“Is there a set time for that? Whether it’s marriage or dating, both people need to like each other, right? It’s not something that happens just because I want it, and your partner will also notice if you’re hesitating and wavering while dating. Then she’ll worry, ‘Will this person make an issue of this even after marriage?’ So even if you gather courage after hesitating and propose marriage, she might have doubts about you after seeing your hesitation. That’s why there’s no set time for when to get married. You can do it even today. When you feel ready to get married, you convey that feeling to your partner. If she accepts, you get married; if she doesn’t accept, you have to wait; and if she rejects it, no matter how much you like her, you have to let go.” 
“I have a question about the mind. For example, if I choose A, but after time passes, the mind for B arises, and if I decide on B, after time passes, the mind for A arises again. Then which one is my mind?”
“At this time, this is my mind, and at that time, that is my mind. The mind always comes and goes according to time and space. There’s no fixed thing called ‘my mind.’ That’s why there’s an old saying, ‘The mind when going to the bathroom is different from the mind when coming back.’ The mind arises moment by moment according to conditions.
Among the people I’ve counseled before, there was a case like this. A husband loved his wife so much that he only thought about her even at work. But one day, he came home suddenly without notice and found his wife talking with another man. From the wife’s perspective, he might have just been a friend, but the husband immediately changed and began to distrust and hate his wife. This shows that what he had wasn’t really love. The stronger the attachment, the more it turns into hatred and resentment. True love must be based on respect and understanding that acknowledges differences. When understanding is the foundation, instead of thinking ‘How could this be?’ you ask your wife, ‘Is this a friend? What’s going on?’ Before hating, you confirm what happened, and if she really likes someone else, you can end the relationship. But we tend to go toward hatred or violence first. Strictly speaking, that’s attachment, not love. 
The mind reacts differently in different situations. That’s why it’s not important to ask ‘which mind is my true mind,’ but rather to understand that the root is greed. The fundamental cause is the desire to have good things and to choose better things. Thoughts like ‘She has a pretty face but has physical flaws,’ ‘He’s talented but has personality issues,’ ‘She’s pretty but not financially well-off’ – this kind of calculating is ultimately greed based on self-interest. It’s the same mindset as when you’re shopping and wondering ‘Should I buy this or that?’ If you trace it back to the root, it’s all about pursuing profit. It’s just going back and forth thinking ‘Which would be more beneficial?’ The root is greed – you need to see it that way.”
“Yes, thank you for your wise words.”
Questions continued to follow.
A supervisor I admire and like promised to bring me along when they changed jobs so we could work together. As this promise keeps getting delayed, I feel helpless and depressed. What should I do?
My sister who lives alone has worsening dementia and calls me for dozens of minutes talking about difficult childhood memories. I’m finding it mentally hard to cope. What should I do?
I’m a Chinese woman who married into Korea 10 years ago. I feel guilty whenever I think of my father’s painful wish for me to return to China with my husband. What should I do?
After finishing the dialogue, Sunim gave closing remarks.
“September is the enrollment season for Jungto Dharma School. I hope many of you who are currently watching Dharma Q&A on YouTube will enroll during this enrollment season. After the enrollment season ends, you can participate in the one-month Happiness School program. Jungto Dharma School is a 5-month course where you systematically study the basic principles of how the mind works that I discuss in Dharma Q&A, while Happiness School is a shorter program that teaches, in a lighter way, how to have a happy mindset. Jungto Dharma School has almost no religious rituals – though being a Buddhist school, it has about 10 percent. Happiness School has absolutely no religious rituals or terminology, making it accessible to everyone. See you next week.”
After finishing the dialogue, it was 9 PM. The live broadcast ended with the promise of meeting again next time.
Tomorrow, Sunim leave for Seoul at 3 AM, hold the Baekjung Prayer Closing Ceremony in the morning, and meet with guests visiting the Peace Foundation in the afternoon.
