My Son Seems to Be Gaslighted by His Wife

2025.8.31 – Oceania Lecture Tour (2) Auckland, New Zealand

Hello. Today is the second stop of the Oceania lecture tour, where Sunim will give a Dharma Q&A for Korean residents in Auckland, New Zealand.

After completing morning practice and meditation, Sunim departed from the accommodation at 4:20 AM for Sydney Airport. Upon arriving at the airport, Sunim thanked Mr. Pyo Jeong-min, who had taken time off from work since yesterday to volunteer as a driver, before entering the airport.

After completing departure procedures, Sunim waited at the boarding gate before boarding the flight to New Zealand.

The flight departed Sydney Airport at 7:10 AM and after flying for 3 hours and 10 minutes, arrived at Auckland Airport at 12:20 PM local time. Since New Zealand is 2 hours ahead of Sydney, it was already past noon and into the afternoon.

Jungto Society members residing in New Zealand welcomed Sunim at the airport with a bouquet of flowers. After taking a commemorative photo together, they immediately headed to the lecture venue by car.

Today’s lecture was held at the Sir Neil Waters Lecture Theatre on the Albany Campus of Massey University, located on University Avenue in Albany, Auckland, New Zealand. True to its nature as a university lecture hall, it featured tiered seating.

Sunim arrived at the venue at 2 PM and had a simple lunch of porridge. Inside and outside the lecture hall, volunteers were busily moving about, warmly welcoming the arriving audience.

However, outside, the Harbour Bridge was completely closed due to severe wind and rain, and messages continued to arrive about people stuck in traffic jams everywhere, unable to hurry their steps. Despite this, about 300 Korean residents living in New Zealand broke through the long traffic delays to arrive at the venue and fill the seats.

Following a celebratory performance, Sunim walked onto the stage at exactly 3 PM. Loud applause and cheers erupted. Sunim smiled and gave opening remarks.

“Dharma Q&A is not a place where I provide solutions. This time is a process where questioners find their own answers through dialogue. That’s why it’s different from a simple Q&A session. Using the character ‘seol (說)’ as in sermon or teaching doesn’t mean it’s simply a lecture that transmits knowledge. When human suffering is resolved through the process of dialogue, that conversation is expressed as ‘seol (說).’ In English, it’s called a ‘Dharma talk.’

Today, let’s have an open and honest dialogue here as well. While private matters are usually best discussed between two people, this session is not paid personal counseling but has a public benefit nature where many people can listen and receive help together. Therefore, please understand that our dialogue will be public, but please refrain from personally recording or filming what we discuss here and sharing it outside.”

Next, those who had pre-registered questions raised their hands and asked Sunim questions. At the end of the lecture, impromptu questions from the audience were also accepted. During the 2-hour session, 7 people were able to have dialogues with Sunim. People with various stories sought life wisdom from Sunim. One person said their son seemed to be seriously gaslighted by his wife and asked for advice on how much parents should be concerned.

My Son Seems to Be Gaslighted by His Wife

“First, if your son says he ‘wants to die,’ that’s already a symptom of depression. Mental illness is a disease that requires treatment. However, unless he engages in socially dangerous behavior like hitting others or breaking things, legally, forced hospitalization is impossible due to human rights protection. If he doesn’t go to the hospital voluntarily, there’s no way to treat him.

Also, after becoming an adult, parents don’t have the authority to make decisions on their behalf. After marriage, legal and social authority is given to the spouse, not the parents. Property is also primarily inherited by the wife and children, not the parents. No matter how much parents gave birth to and raised their children, after marriage, the relationship formed through marriage takes priority.

From your perspective, this house seems like your son’s house, but in fact, it’s completely someone else’s house. Even if your son says to come in but his wife says no or tries to call the police, while it may seem problematic to parents ethically, it’s not a legal problem at all. So you can’t conclude that your son following his wife’s wishes is gaslighting. Even if your son is being gaslighted and making such choices, realistically, there’s no way for parents to intervene. It’s someone else’s business. He was your son in the past, but now that he’s married, he’s someone else. You’re trying to intervene in someone else’s business.”

“But what if something happens?”

“Even if something happens, there’s nothing you can do. There’s no other way.”

“Is that so?”

“If you raised your son well until he was twenty, you’ve already fulfilled your role as a mother. No matter how much you’re his mother, after marriage, as long as they don’t commit crimes, their life is their own. If you can’t accept this fact and hold onto regrets, you’ll just be anxious without any way to solve it.”

“People around me tell me to try to get closer to my son, but I don’t want to.”

“It’s not a matter of wanting to or not. Just call once and ask, ‘Would you like it if I gave you about $100,000?’ Who would be happy if you call just to nag without giving anything?” (laughter)

“I did think about helping. But because of my daughter-in-law…”

“From a mother’s perspective, it seems problematic, but from the daughter-in-law’s perspective, her husband listens to her well. Isn’t that a good thing?”

“He listens too well. He treats his wife incredibly well.”

“This is a misunderstanding because you don’t know Chinese culture. For example, in China, husbands wake up in the morning, prepare breakfast, and wake their wives. If the wife doesn’t get up, they wake her three or four times to feed her – this is Chinese culture. From a Korean person’s perspective, it looks pathetic and incomprehensible, but most Chinese men do all the housework. Wives hardly lift a finger. From a Korean mother-in-law’s perspective, it might seem like ‘my son is being gaslighted,’ but in Chinese culture, it’s not a problem at all. They just think the mother-in-law is interfering unnecessarily. So just leave them alone.”

“I understand well. Thank you.”

Questions continued to follow.

I’m suffering damage at work due to my supervisor’s negligent work attitude. It’s so painful to see my supervisor taking all the credit for what I’ve accomplished.

As a leader of a religious group, it’s hard to watch the injustices happening within the group. Recently, my relationships with my husband and daughter have also been poor, which is painful.

I’m worried about my nephew who is incarcerated in a correctional facility. How can I help resolve the conflict between my nephew and his mother, my sister?

Despite many years of religious life, I’m troubled by not developing faith. I’d like tips on how to have religious faith.

It’s painful to have to keep meeting my ex-husband due to childcare obligations for our daughter.

My two married daughters have cut ties with me. Although I hurt them when they were young, it’s painful that they won’t even meet me.

After finishing the dialogues, it was 4:30 PM. A book signing session immediately began. Many attendees received autographs and expressed their gratitude to Sunim.

“Thanks to you, Sunim, I’m living happily in New Zealand. Thank you.”

After the book signing, Sunim took a commemorative photo with the volunteers who prepared the lecture.

Sunim presented his book as a gift to Mr. Lee Jae-man, who coordinated the lecture, expressing gratitude.

Sunim once again gave warm greetings to the volunteers.

“Thank you all for your hard work.”

In fact, the volunteers had reserved a 300-seat venue for this lecture, but when pre-registrations reached 440 people, they also rented the adjacent lecture hall. They had prepared so that those arriving late could at least watch via video. However, due to heavy rain and strong winds, only about 300 people actually attended, so the event was held in just one lecture hall. When lecture coordinator Mr. Lee Jae-man expressed regret saying, “The weather didn’t cooperate…” Sunim smiled and said, “The weather helped a lot.” At that moment, the disappointment in the volunteers’ hearts dissolved, and laughter burst out.

Next, Sunim had to participate online in the Jungto Society joint meeting, so he asked for the volunteers’ understanding and immediately moved to the accommodation.

After cleaning up the lecture hall, the volunteers had a mindful sharing session with Dharma Teacher Myodeok.

“My daughter has a brain tumor, and there was nothing I could do for her. But today, I was able to come to the lecture hall with my daughter and listen to Sunim’s words in person. I am so grateful.”

“I was a Catholic, but I gained strength from watching Sunim’s YouTube videos, which led me to study at the Jungto Buddhism Course and Sutra Course. In just one year, my life has completely changed. Today’s gathering was like a festival and a gift to me.”

“I drove three hours from Rotorua. In my lonely and difficult immigrant life, this time today has been a great comfort. I hope there will be another opportunity to volunteer next time.”

Meanwhile, Sunim drove for an hour to arrive at today’s accommodation, the home of Park Jeong-yoon. After immediately setting up his laptop and camera, he participated online in the Jungto Society Joint Meeting at 7 PM local time, which was 4 PM Korean time.

The Jungto Society Joint Meeting is a gathering where executives from all organizations under Jungto Society, including the Lay Member Group, lay Sangha, and Social Activities Committee, come together to share and discuss each unit’s projects. After receiving project reports and financial reports all day and completing discussions, the participants invited Sunim for a closing Dharma talk.

Sunim reflected on the first thousand days since Jungto Society began its second 10,000-Day Practice and talked about the attitude needed to prepare for the second thousand days.

“As artificial intelligence rapidly develops, it is said to bring major changes throughout society and significantly impact individual lives. Many people worry about losing their jobs because of this. Indeed, the emergence of AI like ChatGPT is eliminating existing jobs, creating new ones that didn’t exist before, and greatly changing people’s lives. However, this doesn’t mean human suffering disappears. Rather, the human desire to be even slightly free from suffering and pursue a life without anguish is growing stronger. In this regard, interest in and demand for Buddhism as a practice, rather than as a religion, can be seen as increasing even more.

How Should We Convey the Buddha’s Teachings in the Age of Artificial Intelligence?

Today, through new civilizational tools like YouTube and artificial intelligence, we can convey the Buddha’s teachings to much wider regions and many more people, more accurately than through written text. During times of rapid civilizational change, if we only adhere to traditional methods, we inevitably become passive toward new technologies and tools. However, the changes demanded by the times are unavoidable, and ultimately, we have no choice but to utilize these tools.

In such times, we must use these tools to spread the Buddha’s teachings more widely and effectively. Of course, the emergence of tools doesn’t eliminate human suffering, but it provides new skillful means to reduce it. Because demand is increasing and delivery methods are more effective, we must actively utilize these tools.

However, good tools always come with side effects. This is something we have always experienced historically and socially. Just as humans became enslaved by written language in the past, today we face the risk of living with narrowed thinking and lost autonomy while depending on artificial intelligence, algorithms, and social media. Finding ways to minimize these side effects while maximizing the advantages is a task we must undertake ourselves.

A New Path Through Hybrid Methods Combining Online and Offline

Of course, practice is most effective when transmitted through people meeting face-to-face, feeling each other’s presence and being inspired by one another. To overcome the limitations of written transmission, Seon Buddhism presented the concept of ‘mind-to-mind transmission’ (以心傳心), where person meets person and heart connects with heart. While today’s social media transmission is very efficient, it has limitations in conveying the fragrance of character that inspires, which is fundamental to practice. To compensate for this, we need to center on online methods while supplementing what is lacking through offline means. This is not simply due to nostalgia for offline methods, but a necessary measure to practically compensate for online limitations.

Recently, during a meeting with Jungto Society members, someone borrowed automotive terminology to describe the method of mixing online and offline as a ‘hybrid approach.’ In the second 1000-Day Practice beginning in 2026, Jungto Society should operate with online as the foundation while supplementing with offline reinforcement to fill online’s shortcomings. At the same time, as online and artificial intelligence combine to expand their reach, we must continue to introduce systems and develop programs that can maximize online advantages.

First, we must continue researching and building social media-based online systems. This requires experimenting with things we haven’t experienced and building them step by step. Second, we must further supplement online methods with offline approaches. We must promote Jungto Society’s development based on these two directions.

Looking globally, the Jungto Dharma School and Happiness School operated by Jungto Society are innovative and useful, with great potential for expansion. However, due to limitations in personnel and promotion, the rate of expansion has been slow. Nevertheless, there is sufficient potential for worldwide expansion. Additionally, social action activities such as environmental movements, consumption cessation, peace movements, and international relief activities also have the potential to spread globally. These social practices and Jungto Society’s practice programs will create synergistic effects. Trust in social action activities leads to interest in practice, and practitioners participate in social action activities. Our task is to harmoniously connect these elements to create and spread new alternatives for human civilization.

Based on this outlook, I hope discussions will continue more deeply at the Lead Volunteer Assembly next week. I hope your discussions will greatly help in setting the direction and establishing the foundation for next year’s second 1000-Day Practice.”

The Jungto Society Joint Meeting concluded with the Four Great Vows. After the meeting, Sunim had dinner, reviewed manuscripts, handled various tasks, and then went to bed.

Tomorrow morning, Sunim will depart from Auckland Airport for Brisbane Airport in Queensland, Australia, and in the evening, he will give a Dharma Q&A for Kore