I’m a divorced father who fell in love with a woman who is living with another man

Hello. Today, Sunim spent the day working in the fields under the sunshine, something he hadn’t done in a long time.

After breakfast and editing manuscripts, Sunim went to the vegetable garden. The tree branches that had been bare during winter were now densely growing with spring energy. Pruning the tangled branches helps trees grow healthier, and allows sunlight and wind to pass through, reducing pests and diseases.

“How should I prune these branches properly?”

Sunim stepped back from the tree to examine how the branches had grown. Then, carefully pruning the branches while leaving the new buds, he let the sunshine break through the shade.

After finishing the pruning, Sunim picked Zanthoxylum leaves. He plucked the tender leaves from between the thorns. The distinctive tangy and fresh scent of Zanthoxylum remained on his fingertips. After picking leaves from five Zanthoxylum trees, a small basket was filled.

Sunim also picked the light green shoots of the thorny Kalopanax tree that were peeking out.

When lunchtime came, Sunim had his meal and rested briefly. After 2 PM, he went up to the higher field to pick Aralia shoots.

The azaleas had all fallen, and the rhododendrons were now in bloom.

Sunim went to the cluster of Aralia trees, but for some reason, they had died and weren’t sprouting. Having noted that, he looked around the orchard field. Two weeks ago, Sunim and the male lay practitioners had cleared thorny bushes and planted fruit trees. Since then, the practitioners had been fertilizing and managing the trees.

“It’s starting to look like a proper orchard now.”

Walking around the field, Sunim picked the surviving Aralia shoots.

After searching all potential locations for Aralia trees, Sunim went to the upper field. Six years ago, he planted peonies in this field with the Dharma teachers.

Peonies have a low germination rate, and it takes about a year for seeds to sprout after planting, and a minimum of 3 to 5 years to bloom. Two years ago, the peonies bloomed for the first time after 4 years. Because these flowers require such a long wait, peonies have become symbols of “the aesthetics of waiting” and “noble patience.” Sunim dug up two plants to show to the audience attending the 100-Day Dharma Talk.

Coming down from the mountain, Sunim transplanted the peony seedlings into pots and gave them plenty of water.

After 4 PM, Sunim finished the community work, edited manuscripts, and concluded his day.

Tomorrow, Sunim will travel to Seoul for the lantern lighting ceremony at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center ahead of Buddha’s Birthday.

Since there was no Dharma talk today, we’ll end by sharing a conversation between Sunim and a questioner from the Friday Dharma Q&A held at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center on the 11th.

I’m a divorced father who fell in love with a woman who is living with another man

“I am divorced and raising a child. Recently, I met a woman I like. She has been with her boyfriend for about 7 years and is currently living with him. As I got closer to her, our relationship developed into something deeper, and I’ve been experiencing a lot of stress in the process. It’s painful to think about her being with her boyfriend. Also, since I have a child, I can’t approach her more actively, which worries me. She also seems to be suffering in the middle of this situation. In this situation, what attitude and mindset should I have to reduce my stress?”

“From your perspective, this might feel stressful and painful, but for a man who has never experienced romance, this wouldn’t be considered painful at all. He might think, ‘You’ve been married once, have a child, and are now dating another woman, yet you claim to be suffering? Are you bragging about your good fortune?’ In short, I can tell you this is not a big deal. Your suffering isn’t from something bad happening, but from wanting more of something good. In reality, you have nothing to be distressed about. This problem stems from excessive desire. You’re divorced with a child, but you’re single now, so it’s fine for you to date. You have someone you like and you’re even dating her – that should be enough. There’s no need to want more. Regarding marriage, just ask her. Ask if she would marry you despite your having a child, and if she agrees, then get married. If she refuses, then marriage isn’t possible. If you’re suffering because you can’t marry her, that’s coming from greed. It’s already a blessing that she’s dating a man with a child, so not being able to marry her isn’t something to be distressed about. You seem to think, ‘Everything I want should happen.’ But not getting what you want isn’t a reason for stress. Dating her is a good thing. Wanting to go further and get married would be nice if it happens, but it’s also fine if it doesn’t. For example, if someone earning 10 million won a month is suffering because they want to earn 20 million won, a poor person wouldn’t see that as suffering. A student who ranks second in school might be distressed about not being first, but other students wouldn’t see that as a problem. Similarly, while marriage would be better for you, it’s also okay if you don’t get married. So your current suffering is due to greed. If you reach an agreement about marriage, that’s great; if not, that’s fine too. It’s not a big deal. If you want to marry her, propose. Relationships are about mutual agreement. No matter how much you like someone, if they don’t like you, it can’t happen, and vice versa. So just check with her: ‘As you know, I have a child. I like you and want to marry you. What do you think?’ If she says, ‘I’m not ready to decide yet,’ then ask, ‘Is it okay if we continue dating?’ If she agrees to that, say, ‘I’m ready to get married whenever you are, so let me know when you’re ready.’ And if later another woman appears who is willing to marry you, you can end your current relationship: ‘I like you, but I need to get married because of my child. I’ve found someone who will marry me, so our relationship has to end here. I’m sorry.’ That’s how you can end it. What do you think?”

“I think you’re right. So I should accept her rejection.”

“Yes, you should. Otherwise, would you force her to marry you?”

“It’s emotionally difficult to accept.”

“Why is it difficult? It’s difficult because you’re attached to the idea that ‘everything must go my way.’ You’re not suffering because things aren’t working out; you’re suffering because you’re attached to having everything go your way. By that logic, I should be suffering more than you. I’m currently working for peace on the Korean Peninsula and national unity in South Korea. I believed it was necessary to amend the constitution to reduce some presidential powers before the presidential election. I thought this would prevent the repetition of past misfortunes, reduce national division, and have many positive long-term effects. I’ve made various efforts and reached some consensus with relevant parties. But reality isn’t going according to plan. There are no other means available. Yet I continue doing what I can, just like I’m doing this Dharma Q&A. Both of us aren’t getting what we want. Which situation seems more significant?”

“I think what you’re doing is more significant, Sunim.”

“Not everything I wanted has been achieved, but looking back, many good things have happened. Last year, the risk of war on the Korean Peninsula was very high. However, with President Trump’s election in the United States and former President Yoon Seok-yeol’s failure to implement an improper state of emergency, tensions between North and South Korea have eased somewhat. It wasn’t through mutual agreement, but as provocations from one side decreased, the situation calmed down. This alone is something I’m extremely grateful for, because I’ve been working tirelessly to prevent war. So while the risk of war has decreased, I’d like to see this progress further to constitutional reform. But what can I do if it doesn’t happen despite all efforts? I just do what I can. We must accept even bad situations, but your situation isn’t bad at all. You’re simply suffering because you want something better but can’t have it. It’s like wanting another child after having one, but your wife doesn’t agree. While I understand the stress, it’s not a major problem if your wife disagrees, right? Your issue isn’t about dating or marriage itself, but your greed – thinking ‘everything must go my way.’ You’ll likely be greedy in other matters too. If you earn 1,000 won, you’ll want 2,000 won; if you earn 5,000 won, you’ll want 10,000 won. Of course, earning more money is good, but it’s also okay if you don’t. If you suffer because you can’t earn more, you’ll live in suffering until you die. You should always be grateful for what you have now. Don’t think negatively about your girlfriend if she rejects your proposal. ‘I’m grateful just for dating you. Marriage would be better, but I’m thankful for this much.’ You should be grateful even while dating. And if you break up, you should part with a ‘Thank you for everything.’ If you’re consumed by greed, you’ll forget to be grateful.”

“I’ll try to maintain a grateful heart.”

“You don’t need to try to have a grateful heart. It’s already something to be grateful for. If you couldn’t date before and now you can, that’s a good thing in itself. Gratitude should come naturally for good things. I don’t mean you should force yourself to be grateful. When something worthy of gratitude happens, just say, ‘Oh, thank you,’ and live with a grateful heart.”

“Thank you.”