I’m Happy Now But Afraid of Returning to the Past

Hello. Today is the day Sunim arrives in Korea after completing a month-long visit to Southeast Asia.

The flight that departed from Hanoi Airport at 11:15 PM last night flew for 4 hours and 15 minutes and arrived at Incheon Airport at 5:30 AM Korean time today. Sunim spent the entire night in the sky. Since it was a low-cost airline, Sunim was worried that it might be delayed and Sunim wouldn’t arrive in time for this morning’s live broadcast, but fortunately, Sunim arrived on schedule.

“Sunim, did you get any sleep?”

“My seat didn’t recline, and the person in front of me reclined theirs, so I was completely trapped.” (laughs)

After completing immigration procedures and exiting the airport, Sunim headed straight to the Seoul Jungto Center. JTS President Park, JiNa came to the airport to greet Sunim, and Sunim discussed JTS projects during the journey.

Sunim shared his thoughts from his Southeast Asian tour and discussed ways to provide necessities to the Rohingya refugee camps as promised to UNHCR in Bangladesh, as well as the progress of school repairs in earthquake-affected areas. They also coordinated schedules for when to visit the earthquake-affected areas. While searching for flights, Sunim smiled and said:

“Compared to low-cost airlines, the airfare is three times more expensive. This is why we can’t help but use low-cost airlines.”

Sunim arrived at the Seoul Jungto Center at 7:30 AM, unpacked, and after a quick wash-up, began the live English Dharma Q&A broadcast for foreigners at 8 AM.

With about 260 foreigners from around the world connected to the live broadcast, Sunim gave his opening remarks.

“I have just arrived after visiting 10 Southeast Asian countries over the past month. I visited most places for humanitarian aid, and a few places to give Dharma talks. In Cambodia, we held a completion ceremony for a women’s dormitory we built at the Royal University of Buddhism. I’d like to share that with you first before we start our conversation.”

After watching the video, Sunim continued:

“The donations you’ve made, though small to us, are a great help to those in need. In Cambodia, it becomes a dormitory; in Thailand, an orphanage; in Bhutan, irrigation canals and paved roads. Your contributions are being well-used to benefit many people. I sincerely thank all of you who have donated.”

Next, Sunim began receiving questions and engaging in dialogue. Today, since there were no pre-submitted questions, four people raised their hands on the spot to ask Sunim questions. One of them sought Sunim’s advice on how to maintain perspective, expressing that they had become much happier through practice but feared returning to their past state.

I’m Happy Now But Afraid of Returning to the Past

“I’m doing pretty good lately. In hindsight, I feel a lot of equanimity, really a lot of peace. But there’s always a voice behind it. I’m afraid to go back to my habits. Even though I have improved a lot, there are some moments when I see myself falling back with less intensity. There is a kind of frustration when that happens. The practice has been incredible. Most of my mental afflictions have been greatly alleviated. A lot of work definitely eases by going into reflecting. After reflecting, I feel much better. Now I feel what we call equanimity. I’ve been feeling very good for a couple of weeks. But there’s always a nervousness that I’m going to fall back into the original patterns. I think that’s a little bit of negative thinking. It’s so difficult to break these habitual patterns. Why is it so difficult?”

“Is it easy to succeed when you try something for the first time? Or is it easier to succeed the second time after losing what you once achieved?”

“Sometimes it is more difficult to go back and review all these patterns and negative thoughts. Sometimes it’s a little easier to go through new things, but there’s still some kind of difficulty. But it’s a better outcome in some way.”

“Yes, you had a very difficult time in the past, right? And now, after going through various processes, haven’t you improved a lot? As you said, even if you were to go back to your old self, would you really be as bad as before? Even if you regress, wouldn’t you still be a little better than before?”

“I am better off. I definitely know I am much better off now and very glad that whatever I did to overcome the mental attachment. I’m so glad that I went through the work because I definitely feel like I’m better off.”

“Let me use numbers to explain. You started at -10 and came up to +10. If you go back, you won’t go all the way back to -10, but maybe to -5. Then, from -5, you can move forward again and reach +10 or even +15. So, in fact, there’s no need to worry even if you go back to the past. You lived through even more difficult situations in the past, and now your conditions are much better than then, so why wouldn’t you be able to do it?

First, you should always practice being awake here and now to avoid going back to the past. But even if you do go back to the past as you worry, there’s no need to be afraid at all because it’s much easier to come back than before. You can just do it again. So don’t be afraid of ‘what if I go back to the past?’ First, because you won’t go back to the past. Second, even if you do go back to the past, it’s not a big problem because it’s easier to come back than before. So there’s no need to be afraid of that issue anymore.”

“Thank you Sunim. I really get that point. I definitely understand it now through experience. That even when I regret mental affliction or attachment to these habitual patterns, the intensity is much less. I definitely agree with you that from minus 10, I may work up to 10. I am already experiencing the good things you mentioned because I do fall, but I don’t feel like I fall that far, so it’s good to know. Thank you very much.”

“However, it seems like you’re a bit attached to your current good state. You should just be awake to the current goodness, but because you’re attached to ‘I must always maintain this state,’ you’re afraid of ‘going back to the past.’ Our minds are always changing like this. You shouldn’t cling to the current good state. We just notice whatever arises. Your fear of ‘going back to the past’ comes from your attachment to the current good state. First, don’t be attached to the present. Second, even if you do go back to the past, it’s not something to be afraid of.”

Sunim continued to receive questions.

Three more people asked questions, and finally, Sunim gave his closing remarks.

“Since I just came from the airport, I think I need to take a little rest. I’ll see you again next time.”

Sunim ended the live broadcast, looking forward to the next session. Sunim immediately left Seoul and headed for the Dubuk Retreat Center.

After driving on the highway for 3 hours and 30 minutes, Sunim arrived at the Dubuk Retreat Center just after 1 PM. The seedlings planted a month ago had grown, and the fields were green.

After eating a simple bowl of noodles, Sunim went to see the site where the volunteer dormitory was being repaired. Volunteers were working on the construction despite the scorching sun.

“Thank you all for your hard work in this hot summer.”

After expressing gratitude, Sunim went to the grave on the hill behind. First, Sunim bowed at his parents’ grave.

“I’ve been abroad all year, so I couldn’t even mow the grass for you.”

Next to it was his eldest brother’s grave.

“Brother, I’m sorry for coming late.”

He set up a simple tea offering and bowed. During the month-long visit to Southeast Asia, his eldest brother, who had been suffering from a chronic illness, passed away. That’s why he came to pay his respects immediately after returning to Korea.

After reciting the Liberation Mantra and offering prayers, his nephews and a friend of his eldest brother arrived. The nephews shared the circumstances of their father’s passing.

“Father had a critical moment before he passed away. When he regained consciousness, he said he had experienced the Pure Land. He said he met a sage in the Pure Land and asked, ‘Where is the Pure Land?’ The sage replied, ‘Tomorrow is the Pure Land.'”

Hearing that the teaching was not about a distant future Pure Land but that the present moment is the Pure Land, Sunim also smiled brightly.

After discussing with his nephews how to best maintain the area around the grave, Sunim came down from the mountain.

In the evening, Sunim had dinner with the staff who had worked hard repairing the volunteer dormitory, proofread manuscripts, and ended the day.

Tomorrow, Sunim will leave Dubuk Retreat Center early in the morning and return to Seoul. Then, Sunim will have lunch with Bishop Park Kyung-jo of the Anglican Church, a member of the Interreligious Network for Peace and Reconciliation on the Korean Peninsula, to celebrate his 80th birthday. In the afternoon, he will have an interview with a civic group, visit a lawyer’s office for will certification, go to the hospital for treatment, and then move to Mungyeong Retreat Center in the evening.

A Day in the Life of Sunim was translated by AI.