-An extract from Venerable Pomnyun’s book, Life Lessons–
P: Whatever the cause of death may be, you must let go of the strong feelings toward those who have passed away. This way, the dead may leave this world without any lingering attachment, whether they go to heaven, paradise, or are reincarnated. However, this is easier said than done because people have a very hard time letting go of their attachment to loved ones who have passed away. The customary 3-day funeral in Korea gives mourners time to grieve for the dead and say goodbye. In exceptional cases, the funerals of well-known figures are extended to 5 or 7 days to accommodate a large number of mourners.
After mourning during those customary 3 days, you should be able to smile if you want good things to happen to you. You should do the same whether your parents, children, husband, wife or a monk has died. Even if I were to die, you should not cry after the funeral. You should tell yourself, “Ven. Pomnyun Sunim has lived a good life.” If by any chance, I die in a car accident, you should think to yourself, “ Since he traveled so much, he inevitably died from a car accident.” You must simply let go of any emotional attachment.
Recently, I met a widow who sobbed for a long time over the premature death of her husband who was only in his thirties. I said to her, “I hope you meet another man and live happily.” Naturally, she was indignant at what I said. She stopped crying and retorted angrily,
Q: “Sunim! How can you say that?”
P: “Will sobbing bring your husband back from death?”
Q: “No”
P: “Don’t you have a one-year-old child? If the mother weeps, her child’s heart will be filled with sadness, but if the mother is cheerful, the child’s heart will be filled with joy. So, what should you do, keep grieving or smile?”
Q: “I should smile”
P: “Even if you smile dating another man, your smile will make your child happy. However, if you live alone and cry all the time, your child will be sad. From the child’s perspective, it’s not important who his mother is dating. What the child needs is a happy mother. Again, if a mother loves her child, should she be miserable or cheerful?”
Q: “She should be cheerful.”
P: “So, as a mother, your top priority should be your child, no matter what happens. The death of your husband is no exception. Your concern for your child comes first. If you really love your child, you must smile and be happy for your child’s sake. Thus, although it may be hard for you to smile after your husband’s death, you have to smile even if it takes dating another man. That is to say, you need to do whatever it takes to ensure your child’s happiness.”
About three days later, a person who had seen the sobbing widow on the day I had a conversation with her came to me and told me his wife had witnessed a surprising scene. He said, “Do you remember the young widow who was so choked up about her husband’s death that she couldn’t even speak? In the afternoon of the day she talked with you, my wife saw her shopping with her mother with a smile on her face. What on earth did you say to her?”
If a person lives in deep sorrow because her husband has died, she is ruining her own life and torturing herself. Her husband lived a full life, and his death is not her fault, so she should not feel guilty. She must live life happily in order for her children to be healthy and happy. But if she lives in deep sorrow, it will have a negative impact on her child’s psychological state.
Once a child grows up to be an adult of over 18 years old, they should be able to live an independent life without clinging to their parents. However, if a single mother were to cry all day, her adult children will be unable to leave her side. Even if they want to leave home to live their lives, they will be held back by the thought, “How could I leave my mother behind?” Also, when they start dating, instead simply marrying people they fall in love with, they may worry about whether their prospective spouses will be good to their mother and help take care of her. Their constant preoccupation with their mother will become a huge obstacle in their lives.
So, a mother, even if her husband dies, should be strong and live happily for her children’s sake. When her children worry about her, she should tell them, “Don’t worry about me. I am doing fine. You just worry about yourself.” Only then will her children grow up healthy and strong.
The loss of a loved one is very sad, but you must let go of your sadness in order to prevent yourself from living a life of misery. Also, you need to let go of your deep emotional attachment for the sake of the deceased.
It’s alright to reminisce about good memories about the deceased, but you shouldn’t obsess about them. It is believed that grieving and longing for the deceased may cause their spirits to wander. You must let go of them light-heartedly for their sakes and your sake, as well as for happiness of your family.