Surprisingly, we often get hurt by a family member or someone close to us. In most cases, however, we suffer because we remember something as hurtful when it actually wasn’t. Even if it was a hurtful thing, it happened a long time ago, but we suffer because we can’t let it go.
For example, people who say that their parents hurt them take all the things that their parents did for them for granted and resent their parents based on memories of the past. They say, “My parents sent my brother to college but not me,” or “My parents scolded only me when I fought with my siblings.” When I listen to them, it seems to me that there aren’t many people who hurt others but there are many who get hurt.
There was a woman who was deeply hurt because her mother left home and abandoned her. She cried while she told me that she met her mother after a few decades, but she still couldn’t forgive her aged mother,
“My mother is already over seventy, but I still can’t forgive her. Sometimes I feel so tormented that I wonder if I should make peace with my mother, but I don’t know how.”
You are crying not because you were abandoned by your mother but because you are clinging onto the hurt you felt when you were abandoned in the past. Your memory of being abandoned is making you sad.
Most of our suffering is caused by our memories of the past. We dwell in our misery by conjuring up memories of the time when we were disappointed in or bullied by others. We ourselves expand and reproduce the pain by preserving clear images of things that happened in the past and clinging onto them. It is like locking ourselves in a dark cave.
Harboring bad memories of the past deep inside our minds and constantly brooding over them is very much like watching a movie. When we remember a past event, our brain mistakes it for an actual event happening right now in front of our eyes. So, when we recall something good, we smile involuntarily, and when we recall something painful and sad, we cry or feel as though we are suffocating.
Since our emotions arise unconsciously, if we harbor the emotional pain we experienced from past events, our current lives are likely to become miserable. The memories only exist in our minds, so they don’t actually exist at this moment. When we habitually recall the past, it is like we are repeatedly watching recorded videotapes. For example, there are people who only talk about their old days. One characteristic of these people is that they talk about things that happened to them when they were children even when they are over fifty. It’s as if they are still living in the past.
In the end, all our emotional wounds exist only in our minds, which are holding onto the memories. We suffer not because someone hurt us but because we feel hurt by things that are not necessarily hurtful, harbor the hurt in our minds, and occasionally dwell on our hurt feelings.
Do not carry the past on your shoulders like a heavy burden. If you clearly understand that your present sadness originated from your memories of the past, healing your emotional wound becomes simple. You can choose to break away from the past. Instead of dwelling on your sadness by continually replaying the memories in your head, you can redirect your attention to here and now.
It’s true your mother abandoned you, but she might have been in a situation that forced her to do so even though you were not aware of it. When you were little, you could be easily hurt, so you might have resented your mother. But now, that you’ve grown up enough to become a mother, you should try to understand your mother who had no choice but to abandon her own child. Then, you might feel differently.
“Mom, thank you for giving birth to me.” “I am in this world thanks to you.”
If you stop resenting her and start thanking her, you may gradually stop feeling gloomy and begin to brighten up. Then, you may be able to stop feeling like a victim who was abandoned and unloved.
There is no one in the world other than yourself who torments, hurts, or makes you feel anxious. You suffer because you harbor the bad memories of the past deep inside you. Healing starts from realizing this.
Everyone in this world can be happy. No matter how awful the experience you had as a child, it is all in the past. If you stop replaying in your head the video of the past, you can be happy at any moment. The moment that you are alive, breathing in and out, is the present. If you concentrate on the present, you will be free from suffering.
If you can concentrate on the present, all the things you experienced in the past become valuable assets. Whether you failed in your business, broke up with your girlfriend, or got hurt by someone, if you take all those things as precious experiences that help you understand your life, they will enable you to deal wisely with whatever comes your way in the future.
