Living Alone Feels Scary and Lonely

Hello. Today, Sunim had meetings with experts, visited the hospital, and then moved to Mungyeong Jungto Retreat Center to prepare for the summer retreat.

Sunim began his day with early morning practice and meditation. At 7 AM, he had breakfast with North Korea experts, where they discussed recent trends in North Korean prices and exchanged various opinions.

After finishing the meeting with the North Korea experts, at 10 AM, Sunim met with peace and security experts to hear about changes in the international situation and share thoughts on the matter.

After completing his morning schedule, Sunim had lunch and then headed to the hospital for medical appointments. He first stopped by the ophthalmology department for an eye examination, and then visited the cardiology department to hear the results of his tests. Afterward, he stopped by an optical shop to get new glasses that matched his changed vision.

After his medical appointments, Sunim moved to Mungyeong Jungto Retreat Center to enter the summer retreat.

Upon arriving at Mungyeong Jungto Retreat Center, Sunim reviewed the meditation retreat broadcast that will be transmitted online starting tomorrow, edited the manuscript, and then concluded his day.

From today until August 6, a 15-day summer retreat period begins. During the retreat, all members of the Sangha pause their ongoing activities to focus solely on practice. Sunim will guide meditation retreats online from Mungyeong Jungto Retreat Center, and then move to Bonghwa Retreat Center to spend time with members of the Sangha. On August 5, he will travel to China, and on August 8, he will begin the Northeast Asian History Tour.

Since there is no Dharma talk today, this post concludes with a Dharma Q&A from last Friday.

Living Alone Feels Scary and Lonely

"Since I was young, I have found it difficult to get close to people, and I suffered a lot due to my parents' discord. Then I listened to Sunim's Dharma talks and received a great deal of help. Recently, I have been taking medication prescribed by a psychiatrist, and I have been doing well at my job. However, when I am alone on weekends without any plans, I feel very lonely even when I exercise or take a walk. When I think about traveling alone, I wonder, 'What's the point of this?' Even my closest relationships seem to give me less affection than I would like, and I often feel disappointed. When I think about living alone for the rest of my life, it feels scary. Sunim, you have said many times that being alone doesn't mean being lonely, but foolishly, I feel lonely when there are no people around me. What kind of mindset should I have as I live alone going forward?"

"From what I can see, the loneliness you're talking about isn't simply loneliness from not having people around you. If you mean you need a boyfriend, mutual affection is also a kind of give-and-take relationship, so such relationships are formed through mutual influence and exchange. However, from listening to what you're saying, it seems you have a desire for someone to only care for and love you. But why should that person care for and love you? Shouldn't you also offer something in return? Yet it seems you don't want to pay that price. The world operates through mutual give-and-take, both materially and emotionally. Bees seek flowers because there is honey, and flowers give honey to bees because they help with pollination. Nature also coexists through such mutual exchange. You might think, 'I don't really want anything,' but you do have desires right now. If you truly had no desires, there would be no reason to feel lonely. You feel lonely because you have desires. When you see others going hiking and traveling together, you envy them. But those people aren't just playing. They maintain relationships through mutual give-and-take. They hold each other's hands, carry each other's bags, and share what they need with each other to build relationships. However, you stay still and hope that others will come to you first and say, 'Let's go out,' or 'Let's have a cup of tea.' You want to be treated like a princess. You say you also try to approach others first, but in reality, this problem arises because your desires are greater than what you actually do. If you keep calculating, thinking, 'I called three times, but that person hasn't called even once,' it becomes difficult to meet people. From now on, if you want to talk to someone, don't keep calculating—just approach them first and say, 'Hello. Nice to meet you.' If you want to have a cup of tea with them, say comfortably, 'Would you like to have a cup of tea with me? I'll buy.' (Laughs) Don't only try to receive love; adopt the mindset of 'I will give.' Only then can human relationships be formed in a healthy way."

"In that regard, I do try to be kind to people even if I take a bit of a loss, but my relationships still don't work out well."

"That's because what you want and what the other person wants are different. For example, the other person may need money, but you only offered kindness; or the other person wanted warm attention, but you only bought a cup of coffee; or the other person wanted a romantic relationship, but you found that burdensome. In the end, you each wanted different things. It's not that 'I tried so hard and it still didn't work out,' but rather that your interests didn't match. When you bring a magnet close to iron, it sticks firmly, but it doesn't stick to a piece of wood. Why is that? Because there is no mutual attraction. Similarly, relationships don't continue because what you want and what the other person wants are different, or because you couldn't give as much as the other person wanted."

"My expression may have been wrong, but there were many cases where the other person felt burdened when I approached them first."

"Because you feel lonely so strongly, you have a strong desire to hold on to someone. Then the other person thinks, 'If I meet this person, they'll cling to me like sticky gum.' So they all run away because they feel burdened. Don't be sticky gum; be like a crisp rice cracker. You need to have the mindset that 'I'm fine living alone.' What's wrong with living alone? People walking together, carrying each other's things, and holding hands may look nice, but that's because you don't see what comes next. You only see the splendid wedding today and envy it, right? But if you visit that home the next day, some couples start fighting from the moment they move in together. Some people are overjoyed at having a baby, but a few years later, they get divorced, leave the child with their parents, and go back to work. If you only see one side, everything looks good. You need to be able to see both sides. When meeting people, you have to be prepared for the possibility of taking a few losses, breaking up, and experiencing heartache. If you only look for what's safe when trying to meet people, you'll end up not being able to start anything. So from what I can see, there are two paths for you. The first is to just live quietly as you are now. If someone appears who likes you and wants to sweep you off your feet, you can pretend to reluctantly go along. (Laughs) The second is to actively approach others first with the mindset that 'I will forge my own life.' However, that path always comes with risks. If you fear risks, you cannot start anything. You have to be prepared to date and break up, to marry and possibly divorce. If you only seek safety, it will be difficult to start new relationships."

"I understand well. Thank you."

The publication of 'A Day in the Life of Sunim' will be paused during the summer retreat period. We will see you again on August 8, the first day of the Northeast Asian History Tour.