During an Argument with My Wife, I Accidentally Hit Her.

Hello. Today, Sunim made tofu and had meetings in Gyeongju(경주).

Sunim began his day with morning practice and meditation.

After revising a manuscript, at 6 a.m. Sunim went to the kitchen and began making tofu together with the volunteers who came from Bhutan. Before starting the work, Sunim first explained the tofu-making process.

"First, soak the soybeans for about 8 hours, then grind them until smooth, adding a little water at a time as you grind. When boiling the soy milk, controlling the heat is the most important thing. You have to keep stirring while boiling. Once it starts to boil, lower the heat and pour in a little cold water at a time to keep it from overflowing. After bringing it to a boil like this about three times, pour the soy milk into a cloth bag and squeeze it. Shake it to drain some of the soy milk, then tie the cloth bag tightly and keep squeezing.

When you add brine to the strained soy milk, the soy milk begins to curdle. As it curdles, clear water separates out, which you scoop out through a cloth. Then place the curds in a mold lined with cloth, cover them, and press with something heavy on top to make tofu. If you press less, the tofu becomes soft; if you press more, it becomes firm. If you eat the curdled soy milk right away, that is sundubu (soft tofu). All right, shall we start now?"

The soybeans, which had been soaking since the night before, were properly swollen. Sunim turned on the machine and began grinding the beans. At first, some beans splattered out of the machine, but as he added water little by little and continued grinding, they were soon ground smoothly. Thanks to the machine, 10 kg of beans were ground quickly.

Next, the ground soy milk was placed in a large pot and boiled while stirring. It had to be stirred constantly to prevent the beans from sticking to the bottom of the pot. When the boiling soy milk suddenly rose up in the pot, Sunim quickly poured in cold water to keep it from overflowing.

Once the beans were sufficiently cooked, the soy milk was transferred to a cloth bag and squeezed to drain the liquid. The creamy soy milk collected neatly in a basin beneath a bamboo strainer, while only soybean pulp remained inside the bag.

Next, they added the brine the Dharma Teacher had prepared, but contrary to expectations, the soy milk did not curdle well. Sunim suggested adding a little vinegar, and when the vinegar was added, the soy milk slowly began to curdle into soft, fluffy sundubu. It was decided that a little more brine would be obtained through one of Sunim's acquaintances.

A little later, Sunim laid hemp cloth in the tofu mold and placed the sundubu inside. After covering it with the hemp cloth, he placed a wooden lid on top and added weight by placing a pot filled with water on it. As time passed, water began to drip out through the hole beneath the tofu mold. As the water drained, the tofu firmed up into shape.

For the last batch of soy milk, brine that had just been obtained through Sunim's acquaintance was added. When the brine was poured in, the tofu curdled well.

Sunim sliced the finished tofu with a knife and said to the Bhutan volunteers,

"Here, try the tofu. Volunteers from Bhutan, please eat as much as you like."

It was fragrant, soft tofu. Eaten together with well-fermented aged kimchi, it was truly delicious.

Sunim carefully cut the tofu and prepared it as gifts for the people he would meet at today's meetings.

Since Sunim had sweated a lot while making tofu, he took a quick wash and changed clothes to go out. At 9:30 a.m., he got into the car and traveled to Gyeongju.

At 9:50 a.m., Sunim arrived at the meeting place, a café at the old Gyeongju Station. He met Jongsu Sunim(종수 스님), a longtime friend, together with Jin Byeong-gil(진병길), Director of the Silla Cultural Center. First, Sunim gave the tofu he had made that morning as a gift.

"This is tofu I made this morning. I hurriedly prepared it while making tofu and came here. (laughter)"

Over tea, they discussed JTS's projects in Pakistan.

After the conversation, Sunim moved to the next meeting location, Gyeongju City Hall. There he held a meeting with the Mayor of Gyeongju about the Cheollyongsa Temple construction project. The meeting lasted about 30 minutes, and Sunim presented the Mayor with tofu as a gift.

After the meeting, as Sunim was preparing to head back to Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center, the President of Dongguk University suddenly contacted him, expressing a wish to treat him to lunch. However, since Sunim had been having diarrhea and was not feeling well after his Sri Lanka trip, he could not have a meal. Instead, he suggested having tea, and they went to Dongguk University.

In the president's office at Dongguk University, Sunim shared tea with the President, Jongsu Sunim, and the Director of the Silla Cultural Center. They were given a brief tour of the building and heard the President's vision for the university's operations.

After the tea talk, Sunim returned to Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center, and by then it was already 1 p.m. After lunch, since the day was so hot, Sunim rested during the afternoon.

At 7:30 p.m., an online Dharma Q&A was scheduled, so Sunim moved to the broadcasting room to give a Dharma talk.

The Friday Dharma Q&A began with an introductory video about Sunim. About 4,000 people connected online simultaneously to watch Sunim's Dharma Q&A.

After briefly sharing about his recent trip to Sri Lanka, Sunim began the Dharma talk by speaking about the recent weather.

"The weather has been very hot lately. Looking at the whole earth, the Korean Peninsula is a small country, and within it, the place where I am now is Ulsan(울산). Here in Ulsan, not a drop of rain has fallen, and the sweltering heat continues under a blazing sun. Yet in Mungyeong(문경), also in Gyeongsang Province, they say it has rained so much that the area has become flooded, and in Chungcheong Province, over 200 millimeters of rain has fallen, causing serious flood damage. I am farming here, and right now is the time to transplant seedlings, including perilla. I transplanted some of the seedlings from the field, but even with watering, the sunlight was so intense that they all dried up and died. If you transplant during the rainy season when clouds linger for a few days and rain falls steadily, perilla grows well. These days, localized weather phenomena are occurring frequently. Concentrated rainfall in narrow areas or continuing droughts are one aspect of climate change. Not only sudden rises or drops in temperature, but also localized heavy rains and droughts cause damage such as wildfires. We are experiencing these weather changes all over the world right now. When I visited Sri Lanka, it was normally the rainy season when it would rain continuously. However, during the week I stayed, except for a little rain on the last day, not a drop fell. The umbrella I brought in case of rain was never needed. It was convenient for traveling since there was no rain, but for farmers, they need rain during the rainy season to plant rice, so they must be facing many difficulties. The weather always changes a little, but these days, the range of that change seems much larger than in the past.

Now, shall we share our own stories? It's not only the weather that changes drastically—human emotions change even more drastically. When emotional ups and downs are excessive, we call it an illness. The weather also changes a little every day and every year. But when the range of that change exceeds a certain limit, we call it a 'climate crisis' and prepare various countermeasures. It's the same with our emotions. The range of emotional ups and downs differs from person to person. However, if I fall within the 90 percent range, I am relatively fine. But if I fall in the 5 percent at either extreme, that should be considered an illness. Rather than simply thinking 'that person has a bad temper,' it should be viewed as a mental illness and treated. With a bit of counseling or medication, one can relatively quickly achieve psychological stability. In the past, people knew nothing about mental illness and had no information, so only very severe schizophrenia or uncontrollable conditions were called mental illness. Now, if you have difficulty regulating your emotions in daily life, it needs to be considered a mental illness and treated appropriately. Sometimes after parting with someone, the feelings of longing and sadness are so great that people become bedridden, unable to eat, and lose their will to live. It's a state where deep heartbreak has become an illness. In such cases, we used to say 'time is the cure,' meaning it would heal after a few months. But nowadays, this is seen as a temporary mental illness resulting from the shock of unwanted events such as separation or death. Getting a little treatment in such cases can significantly speed up recovery. However, that doesn't mean we should overuse it—like seeking treatment for every slight bad mood, or relying on medication just because we can't sleep. Recently, the misuse and abuse of therapeutic drugs has become a major social problem. Getting a shot of Propofol just because you can't sleep is excessive drug abuse. On the other hand, when someone has severe emotional swings that could be relieved with just a bit of treatment, they sometimes don't get treatment because they don't know about mental illness. This is also a problem. Elderly people often hesitate to go to the hospital for check-ups even when they are sick. I myself tend to avoid going to the hospital. As a result, illnesses grow and become bigger problems. Even with a toothache, going to the hospital too late results in having to extract the tooth, and back problems end up requiring surgery. Many people endure without going to the hospital until they are really in a lot of pain. It is necessary to check your health in advance. Young people, on the other hand, tend to go to the hospital for treatment for even the smallest injuries or minor issues. Excessive dependence is also a problem. So while relying too much on hospitals for mental illness is a problem, refusing them altogether is also a problem. Let's talk together about how to live life appropriately. Here, the word 'appropriately' is very important. In philosophical terms, this can be called 'the middle way.' It refers to a state of being neither excessive nor lacking—exactly appropriate. How we maintain and live in such a state is important. Now let me hear your stories."

Four questioners had submitted questions in advance. Of the four questions, this post introduces Sunim's Dharma talk to the questioner who was regretful about accidentally hitting his wife.

During an Argument with My Wife, I Accidentally Hit Her.

"I have been married for 36 years. During an argument with my wife, I accidentally struck her right ear. Because of that incident, my wife is in a lot of pain. Both my wife and I have fiery tempers, but I do not want to divorce or separate. I acknowledge my lack of patience. Please give me your teaching on what I should do."

"Thank you for speaking honestly. In feudal times, children were considered the property of their parents. When raising children, parents sometimes hit them. It was, 'They're my children—who's to say I can't hit them?' Wives were also considered their husbands' property. Husbands could hit them for not obeying. Servants were also the property of their masters, so noblemen beat their servants. In the past, teachers hitting students was also allowed for educational purposes and called 'the rod of love.' Military training was the same, and even monks, when they first entered temples to study, were sometimes hit by their masters. However, the Buddha said that violence should never be used under any circumstances. 2,600 years ago, people thought this was unrealistic advice. They believed it was impossible to raise a child without hitting or to train a wife without hitting. But nowadays, all such violence is a crime. It falls under domestic violence, school violence, and workplace violence. You described it as an accident, but it actually falls under domestic violence. Having a fiery temper is a personal issue, but the result is a crime called domestic violence. If reported, you could face measures such as a restraining order. If you hit a child, the child could be separated from the parents and taken under the protection of a social welfare facility, and if you hit your wife, you could be forcibly separated. If such an incident happened at a company, you could face criminal charges. In this way, people in the past habitually used violence, but modern society defines violence as a crime. You must clearly recognize through this incident that violence is absolutely not permitted. It's fortunate that your wife did not report it. If your wife had asked me this question, I would have definitely told her to report it. Even if she loves you, she needs to report it and have you punished for you to change.

People often say that when they get angry, they can't see straight. In other words, they are in a crazed state having lost their reason. That's why violent behavior occurs. Only when you don't get angry can you resolve problems peacefully. Gandhi's nonviolence movement is a representative example. It doesn't mean don't resist—it means don't resist violently. Korea's March 1st Independence Movement also started as a nonviolent movement. But because Japanese imperialism brutally suppressed it with guns and swords, the independence movement turned into armed struggle. Society sometimes evaluates this positively, but today the international community defines armed struggle as terrorism. The fundamental cause of anger is the thought 'I am right.' But if you look at the facts even a little, there is nothing right or wrong in this world. People simply have different beliefs, different thoughts, different ideologies and ideas, different hobbies and personalities. When you take yourself as the standard, the other person becomes wrong. When two people are walking, one in front and the other behind, from the standard of the person in front, the person behind is slow, and from the standard of the person behind, the person in front is fast. In reality, the two people simply have different speeds. But when you take yourself as the standard, it becomes not a matter of difference but of right and wrong. In any case, you must engrave in your heart the fact that 'we are simply different.' You must always remember that your wife and you simply have different tastes and different preferences in food. This is the attitude of respecting and acknowledging the other. From now on, when you eat food, you should not say, 'Why is this so bland?' It's bland only from the standard of my taste—it might actually taste salty to someone else. When you start judging right and wrong, the other person says, 'The seasoning is just right,' and you get angry saying, 'You can't even tell if it's properly seasoned?' That's how fights start. So you always need to remember the fact that 'we are simply different.' But there are times when anger suddenly rises up without you realizing it. When you try to endure it once, twice, three times, the anger eventually explodes. When anger explodes, your voice gets louder. You explode saying, 'I've had enough of this!' So you shouldn't just endure. The reason your temper explodes is because you are constantly feeling dissatisfied and holding it in. Don't endure in daily life—instead, be aware, saying, 'Ah, I'm getting angry!' Reflect on yourself, saying, 'Anger has arisen,' 'I'm thinking I'm right again!' Even so, if you get angry without realizing it, apologize immediately. First be aware that anger is arising, and reflect on the differences between you. But if you did get angry, apologize quickly. Doing this reduces the frequency of anger, and even when anger arises, you can avoid expressing it. Even if you do get angry, since you apologize quickly, it doesn't escalate into a big fight. If the other person says, 'Why are you getting angry over something like that?' you can simply apologize, 'I'm sorry.' Then even a fight that has started quickly dies down. And you should go into your room and repent. Reflect on yourself, thinking, 'I insisted I was right again. I lost my mindfulness,' and repent through methods such as doing 108 prostrations. Then you can gradually improve.

Violence must not be used under any circumstances. If you have committed an act of violence, you must apologize sincerely. You must not make excuses. Whatever the reason, you apologize because using violence was wrong. If you attach reasons like 'I did it because of you,' the problem cannot be resolved. You need to take the perspective of apologizing without making excuses. There are many gray divorces these days. When the husband was working and earning money, he spoke loudly and had his wife run errands, but now he has retired, society has changed, and he has grown old. Then the wife's inner conflict grows too. In the past, wives endured because the children were young, but nowadays it's not like that. In recent years, gray divorces have increased significantly. You've shared a difficult story, and though it passed this time, this is a case that could potentially lead to gray divorce. In the past, children would try to stop their parents' divorce, but nowadays, more of them advise their parents to at least separate. To live according to the flow of life, you must resolve, 'I must not live according to my temper.' In the past, this kind of thing wasn't considered a fault, but now it is. Violence goes against the Buddha's teachings and also against current laws. Because we grew up watching fathers hit mothers and teachers hit students from a young age, violence can appear in our behavior habitually. Since we grew up in that kind of environment, violent behavior comes out without us realizing it, so it's something to be careful about and improve. Still, to live the rest of our lives happily, we must overcome violent habits."

"Yes, thank you."

In addition to this question, there were also the following questions:

▪ I am a teacher and have a 4-year-old child. My husband and I have a problem with excessive phone use. I use my phone 2-3 hours a day, and my husband can't put his phone down even for a moment. Should I just restrain my own phone use? And if I don't make an issue of my husband, will my child learn by watching me?
▪ I got promoted at work and received recognition, but my heart seems to be getting further from happiness. When the success the world talks about differs from the happiness I feel, what standard should I live by?
▪ Looking at my colleagues at work and my friends, they all seem to have appointments and things to do. Boredom and loneliness weigh heavier day by day, and when I think about having to live like this for decades to come, I feel suffocated. What am I unable to accept?

To conclude the Dharma talk, Sunim gave the following closing remarks.

Let's Live as the Master of Our Own Life

"As we go through life, various problems arise. However, there is no set path that is definitely the right one. You can live this way or that way. But if you kill others to survive, harm others for your own benefit, or torment others for your own pleasure, karmic consequences will surely follow. You will have to pay the price later. And the interest tends to be quite high. The reason is the desire for revenge—in human psychology, if you're hit once, you feel you need to hit back about three times to feel satisfied. We can say such things are bad, or we can say they are foolish. However, in Buddhism, we say they are foolish rather than bad. This is because harming others ultimately causes greater harm to ourselves. So we say: let's not commit such foolish acts. Other than that, live freely and accept the results. Don't live being too careful or too concerned about what others think. Don't worry about whether others earn a lot of money or not. You can't take money with you when you die. It's fine if I have no money; it's fine whether others have high positions or not. Live with self-contentment like this. What's important is to live as the master of your own life. But you always shrink before money, before status, before love—you live reluctantly like that. If you enjoy living that way, you can live that way, but even squirrels and rabbits live freely in the mountains. Since we were born as human beings, shouldn't we be able to live even more freely? I hope you can live your lives a little more freely and happily like this. I'll see you again next week."

After finishing the broadcast, Sunim did office work and revised reports before resting.

Tomorrow, Sunim plans to do communal work tidying up the area around the dolmens and travel to Adomorewon(아도모례원) for a meeting.