Should I Marry My Boyfriend Who Has Been Deceiving Me for Six Years?

**May 1, 2026. Treatment, Online Dharma Q &A **

Hello. Today is the day for the weekly online Dharma Q&A held every Friday evening.

Sunim began his day with early morning practice and meditation. After breakfast, he received acupuncture treatment in the morning. Following lunch, he also received moxibustion treatment. Today was spent on treatment and rest.

At 7:30 PM on Friday, the online Dharma Q&A broadcast was prepared at the Seocho-dong Jungto Dharma Center (서초동 정토법당). Sunim entered the Dharma hall wearing his kasaya (가사) and jangsam (장삼).

A volunteer who was born in North Korea, crossed into China during the Arduous March (고난의 행군) period, met Sunim, came to South Korea, lived in the Jungto Society lay Sangha while completing middle school, high school, and university, and now works at a company and lives well, came to greet Sunim. The volunteer offered three prostrations to Sunim. Before the broadcast, Sunim briefly exchanged greetings. Sunim signed and presented his new book “Tak! Dialogues of Awakening (탁! 깨달음의 대화)” as a gift. Seeing the volunteer adapting well to Korean society and living successfully, Sunim felt proud.

The online Dharma Q&A broadcast began. After the introduction video of Sunim ended, Sunim immediately sat in front of the camera and gave his greeting.

“Hello, viewers. Today is the first day of May. It’s also Labor Day. For the first time, it’s become a holiday, so I wonder if you all had a good rest today. Since it’s the first holiday and it’s May, I heard traffic is very congested. I heard that people coming to see me had a hard time because of the traffic jams. May is called the season of fresh green leaves. It’s a wonderful season when all the mountains and rivers are dyed with greenery. Soon, people will be looking for fans or turning on air conditioners because it’s hot during the day. Although it’s still a bit chilly in the mornings and evenings, it’s the best season of the year. I’m also glad to meet you all on this Friday of such a wonderful season. Now, let me listen to your stories.”

After Sunim’s greeting, there was time for dialogue with questioners. A total of four questioners had conversations with Sunim. Here is the content of one dialogue.

**Should I Marry My Boyfriend Who Has Been Deceiving Me for Six Years?
**
“I’m a 32-year-old working woman. I have a boyfriend I’ve been seeing for over six years and promised to marry. We got along well without major conflicts, but two years ago I discovered he had been cheating with multiple women. It was hard to accept, but I forgave him and continued the relationship. Then a few months ago, through his diary, I discovered he had been lying about his education, job, and family background. I felt deeply betrayed that he had deceived me for such a long six years. On the other hand, I also felt sympathy for him. I learned that he had struggled a lot with low self-esteem and loneliness since childhood. Since I’ve also wanted to hide my complexes and fill my inadequacies through romantic relationships, I could understand him to some extent. Now much of my resentment has disappeared, and I’ve decided to trust him once more. However, I’m afraid he might tell big lies again. My family and friends still believe his false image to be true, and I’m wondering whether I should keep his secret for him. How should I manage my anxious feelings? How should I navigate this situation?”

“Distinguishing between lies and truth is very ambiguous. For example, if someone says they’re thirty years old when you first meet, but they’re actually thirty-two, that’s a lie. If they say they’re thirty but are actually twenty-eight, that’s also a lie. However, if the other person’s lie works in your favor and leads to a better outcome, you don’t take issue with the lie. Conversely, if the lie works against you, then you raise it as a problem. First, rather than focusing on ‘whether he lied,’ you should focus on ‘whether he’s a good person.’ If the person himself is good, there’s no need to make an issue of some facts being different, like education or career. Of course, being deceived can feel unpleasant. However, you also need to consider whether you would have continued seeing him if he had told the truth from the beginning. If he lied to look good to meet you, in a way, that lie became the connection that brought you two together. Without that lie, you two might never have met in the first place. Meeting someone by accidentally bumping into them on the street and meeting through someone’s lie have similar aspects. Therefore, I don’t think you need to dwell too much on whether your boyfriend ‘lied or not.’ Setting aside the fact that he lied, it would be better to judge based on whether he’s a good person. Second, you need to examine whether your boyfriend’s lie was a one-time thing to impress you, or whether lying is a habitual pattern. If he’s someone who tries to get by with lies in everything, that’s something to be cautious about. Can you marry and live in the same house with someone who lies whenever it’s convenient? Unlike dating where you meet briefly and part, marriage is living together. You become family. Just as it’s difficult to live together if lies are constantly exchanged between parents and children, the same applies to married couples. If your boyfriend’s lies were just to make a good impression when you first met, it might not be a big issue. However, if it’s a repeated habit, married life would be difficult. No matter how much you like someone, it’s hard to live with someone who uses violence, hurls abuse, causes trouble when drunk, or squanders assets. Also, think about when you have children. Living with such a person will constantly create conflicts and can cause many difficulties in raising children. Someone for whom lying has become a habit might be suitable as a dating partner, but as a marriage partner, careful consideration is needed.

Regarding the issue of a partner cheating, it’s entirely up to you to decide. There are various cultural perspectives on romantic relationships around the world. Some cultures practice monogamy where one man lives with one woman, while others allow one man to have relationships with multiple women. Conversely, there are also cultures where one woman has relationships with multiple men. Among these, the one-to-one relationship model has become the mainstream culture in most societies. Therefore, you need to establish your own principles. First, if you like this person and want to maintain the relationship, you can choose to accept that while living with you, they may meet other people to some extent. Second, if your stance is that you cannot accept your partner meeting other women even after marriage, then no matter how good the conditions are or how attracted you feel, you simply don’t choose them as a marriage partner. There’s no need to think twice about it, nor do you need to forgive them. It’s not that the cheating partner is bad. You let them live according to their own way, and you simply don’t select them as your marriage partner. That’s your principle. Your confusion doesn’t stem from your partner being the problem, but from not having clarity about what values you want to live by.

“My boyfriend lied about his education and job when he first met me, and it seems he had no choice but to continue lying after that. When I suggested we get therapy together if it’s because of a complex, he readily agreed. He also said he would sort out the issue with other women. Since we’ve been together for over six years and he feels like family, I want to close my eyes and trust him one more time. But one thing that bothers me is that my family and people around me still believe the lies he told, and I’m worried about being embarrassed when the truth comes out. I’m wondering whether I should tell my family the truth.”

“That’s also your choice to make. Don’t many people get married despite their parents’ opposition? You could tell the truth and say you still want to marry this person because you love him, or you could keep it hidden until marriage. If they find out after marriage, what can you do then? Telling your family the truth is a secondary matter that you can do or not do. And if your boyfriend told these lies, he should be prepared to face some embarrassment. It needs to be revealed at least once so he won’t repeat the same behavior. In my opinion, it would be better to postpone the marriage for about a year rather than rushing into it. During that time, you need to see whether your boyfriend clearly ends his relationships with other people and acts honestly. If he continues to meet other people or lie, then you’ll need to make a decision. If your boyfriend has had a complex since childhood that led to a habit of lying, you need to accept that he will lie whenever he’s in a disadvantageous situation throughout his life. You shouldn’t expect him not to lie. Even if others say ‘How can you live with such a man?’, if you decide ‘I like this person, so I’ll marry him and live with him whether he cheats or lies,’ then there’s no problem. If his character is 100, you live happily with 80 of it and endure the other 20. However, if your fear that ‘he might lie again’ is strong, it’s better not to marry. Looking at the situation so far, the possibility of him lying and cheating is quite high. This doesn’t mean it will definitely happen, but the probability is high because he already has these habits.

You have two choices. One is to wait and observe for about a year. During this time, you can see if your boyfriend actually keeps his promise to live honestly. If he can’t change his habits, then you can end the relationship and choose not to meet again. The other choice is to accept that he might cheat or lie even after marriage, and still decide for yourself that you’ll understand and live with it. If you make up your mind this way, there won’t be any major problems in maintaining the relationship with your boyfriend. Whether he keeps his promises or not, as long as you’re okay with it, there’s no reason to feel anxious. Ultimately, it’s a matter of ‘What am I going to do about this person?’ The perspective that everything will be fine if you can change him, but not if you can’t, will always make you anxious. Therefore, if you want to live with your boyfriend even if his problems aren’t fixed, then accepting promises that might not be kept and getting married is one choice. However, if you absolutely need him to fix his problems before you can be together, it would be better to take more time to observe before making a decision.”

“Yes, this was very helpful. Thank you.”

After the conversation with four questioners ended, Sunim listened to their reflections. Here is the reflection from the questioner whose story was introduced earlier.

“While talking with Sunim, I realized that I really love my boyfriend a lot. I kept worrying whether I was making the wrong choice out of lingering attachment or delusion. To be honest, that worry hasn’t completely disappeared yet. I also wonder if I’ve been too dependent or unable to let go of my attachment to my boyfriend. I’ll keep Sunim’s words in mind, think carefully, and work through this. Thank you.”

“What is there to think about? If you have doubts and lingering feelings, then don’t get married and just date. Dating and marriage are different things. Marriage involves legal issues, children, and becomes more complicated with many more matters to deal with. You’re connected to both families. If you have doubts, just postpone the marriage. These days, even if you get married, unlike in the past, you can get divorced. There are women raising children alone too. If he seems really good, try getting married, and if not, see what happens then. It’s actually better to think about it lightly like this rather than agonizing and suffering over it.”

“Thank you, Sunim.”

After the four questioners shared their reflections, Sunim gave his closing remarks.

The Greatest Realization Is ‘It’s Not a Big Deal!’

“Today we had conversations with four questioners for an hour. I thank those who shared their difficult stories. Actually, it’s hard to bring up personal stories in front of many people. When having conversations in Dharma Q&A, most people find it helpful not just because of talking with me, but because when they bring up their problems in front of others, they already have a strong will to solve their problems, thinking ‘I need to overcome this issue.’ Even though most people have this strong will, they can’t easily share their problems in front of others. So they keep holding onto them. Sharing your problem is already half the solution. Because you have the will to solve your problem. Through conversation, instead of thinking alone, you can gain a perspective of looking at it from a third party’s point of view. The greatest realization is ‘After talking with Sunim, it’s not a big deal. I was overthinking it by myself.’ This is the greatest realization, and ‘Ah! After talking with Sunim, I know what to do from now on’ is the next realization. You think the second one is the greater realization, but it’s not – realizing ‘It’s not a big deal!’ is the greater realization. If you know it’s not a big deal, there’s nothing to do. That’s why it’s the greatest realization. ‘I can do it this way’ means you have something to do. You’ve found the path, but you still have to walk it. Knowing it’s not a big deal means there’s nothing to do. You’ve realized it’s not a problem. I don’t give you answers; through our conversation, you find your own path in life. This is Dharma Q&A. We’ll stop here for today. See you again next week.”

After Sunim’s greeting ended, viewers shared their impressions of today’s session in the chat window. The moderator introduced some of the comments that were quickly appearing in the chat window.

“Although I follow a different religion, I’m enjoying watching this live broadcast.”

“This is such a precious time.”

“I heard Sunim will be appearing on an entertainment program. I’ll definitely watch it live!!”

“Let’s break the habit of ruminating. Fighting!!”

“Thank you to all the questioners for asking your questions. I’m cheering for you. Fighting!!”

Sunim concluded his day’s activities with the online Dharma Q&A.

Tomorrow, he will handle work and meetings, and in the evening, he will attend the Buddha’s Birthday lantern lighting ceremony to give a Dharma talk before traveling to Mungyeong.

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