Why Do I Get Irritated with My Mother but Not with Strangers?

Hello. Today is the day of the Weekly Dharma Assembly (수행법회), where Jungto Society members examine their practice.

After completing morning practice and meditation, Sunim headed to the Peace Foundation to welcome a visitor. At 7 a.m., former National Assembly member Kim Kyung-soo (김 경수), who serves as the chairman of the Presidential Committee on Regional Development, came to visit Sunim.

Sunim and former Assemblyman Kim exchanged views on policy directions to overcome regional decline caused by concentration in the metropolitan area and achieve balanced national development. They also had an in-depth conversation about how to ease the deepening confrontation between ruling and opposition parties and national division, and how to achieve national unity.

As they concluded their meeting, they took a commemorative photo together. Former Assemblyman Kim Kyung-soo told Sunim that he was preparing to run for governor of Gyeongsangnam-do (경상남도) to usher in an era of regional development.

After seeing off his guest, Sunim headed to the Dharma Hall on the third floor for the Weekly Dharma Assembly. About 100 members of the Sangha had gathered in the Dharma Hall.

At 10 a.m., the Weekly Dharma Assembly began with the Three Refuges(삼귀의) and the Heart Sutra (반야심경) recitation. About 4,000 Jungto Society members joined the assembly online through video conference.

After watching a video of Jungto practitioners’ activities over the past week, the assembly members requested a Dharma talk from Sunim with three prostrations. Sunim then offered his greetings.

With the opening ceremony of the second 1000-Day Practice scheduled for next week, Sunim began his Dharma talk by emphasizing that the community of practitioners must first establish the principle of “placing practice as the top priority in life.”

“Starting next week, Jungto Society will enter the second 1000-Day Practice. Accordingly, the 1000-Day Preparatory Committee (천일준비위원회

)

is working busily, and the newly elected executive team is also preparing for a vigorous start. This weekend, the new executive team will gather to review and confirm the direction Jungto Society will take for the next three years, based on materials prepared by the 1000-Day Preparatory Committee. And on March 15, we will have the opening ceremony for the 1000-Day Practice. I ask all Jungto practitioners to set aside personal matters, no matter how busy you may be, and make time to join the opening ceremony on this day.

When Practice Is Your Priority, Practice Happens Naturally

However, we often spend our time relatively leisurely on ordinary days, but when important events like this come up, we tend to say something has come up. We say things like ‘I already had an appointment that day’ or ‘I couldn’t attend because something personal suddenly came up.’ But what matters most in life is how we set our priorities.

For example, if you establish the principle that you will pray first thing when you open your eyes each morning, it becomes difficult to skip prayer. Of course, you may not be able to keep the exact time. However, you won’t miss the prayer itself. Unless you couldn’t open your eyes all day, once you’ve opened them—whether at 3 a.m., 4 a.m., or 5 a.m.—the first thing to do is to have ‘time for yourself’ and pray. After that, if you’re hungry, you eat; you wash your face; and if you have worldly affairs, you attend to them. But we often prioritize taking care of our bodies over purifying our minds. So we say we missed morning practice because ‘I was too sleepy to wake up,’ ‘I ate first thing after waking up,’ ‘I washed my face first,’ or ‘I was busy getting ready for work.’ This happens because we’ve placed prayer’s priority after work, meals, or meeting people. If you establish the principle that ‘If I wake up late, so be it, but when I open my eyes, I pray first and attend to worldly matters afterward,’ or ‘As a practitioner, even if I can’t practice all day, I will practice for at least one hour after opening my eyes,’ then if you live 100 days, you complete a 100-day prayer; if you live 1,000 days, you complete a 1,000-day prayer; and if you live 10,000 days, you achieve a 10,000-day prayer.

Similarly, if you establish principles such as ‘I must attend the opening ceremony(입재식

)

held every 100 days,’ ‘On that day, no matter what happens, everything else takes second priority,’ and ‘The 1000-Day Practice opening ceremony held every three years takes absolute precedence,’ then practice naturally follows. However, because you don’t prioritize practice in your life, you constantly find yourself saying, ‘I can’t maintain my practice.’ Jungto Society is a community of practitioners. We are people who place practice as the top priority in our lives. This doesn’t mean you should practice all day long. However, at the very least, we must live a life where practice comes first in our priorities. With this perspective, you won’t miss prayer times or be too busy to attend opening ceremonies. Even if you’re overseas, you can participate online regardless of time differences, so you can join with sincere intention wherever you are.”

Sunim then explained what the essence of practice is.

“Events and incidents that occur have no inherent good or bad qualities. However, our minds create good and bad. Therefore, in that moment, we must recognize that we ourselves are creating discrimination. Knowing things ‘as they are’ before good and bad arise—that is the truth. In daily life, when we give rise to discriminating mind, suffering arises; when we don’t give rise to discriminating mind, there is no suffering. However, the arising of suffering isn’t entirely bad. Even if suffering arises, when we recognize that it stems from our discriminating mind, the suffering disappears. We cannot say that it’s only good when suffering doesn’t arise at all. Both situations can occur. The problem is that we cling to our suffering and don’t let go, so once suffering arises, it doesn’t disappear. That’s why we feel life is burdensome. But life inherently has no reason to be burdensome. No matter how much I say this, you think to yourselves, ‘Sunim lives alone,’ ‘He lives in a temple,’ ‘He’s old.’ I’m not saying you shouldn’t give rise to discriminating mind. Of course, it’s good if discriminating mind doesn’t arise. But it’s also okay if it does. Just when it arises, simply recognize, ‘Ah, discrimination is arising now.’ Then it naturally disappears.

I’ve listened to many Dharma talks, but why does my life remain the same?

The Buddha-dharma doesn’t become Buddha-dharma because of the name “Buddhism.” The truth that is recognized, the knowledge of things as they truly are—that is Buddha-dharma. When you know facts as facts, there is nothing to suffer about. Suffering arises because we fail to see facts as they are and instead fall into delusion. It’s similar to having nightmares while lying comfortably on silk bedding. If you’ve listened to the Buddha’s words or Dharma talks and thought, “Ah, I see,” and understood them, now you must practice consistently. You need to keep practicing, noticing “This time it worked!”, “This time I got caught up,” “This time I let go,” and maintain the state of not being caught up for longer periods. Even if you do get caught up, you should be able to free yourself quickly. Then there will be nothing to fear in daily life. If you fall, you simply get up and continue walking. The principle is just one. When elaborated, it becomes thousands of stories, but the content is ultimately the same. I’ve been telling this story for over fifty years. The questions you bring are mostly similar too. Yesterday at a lecture, someone asked, “I hope Sunim lives a long life and continues answering our questions for a long time.” However, there’s no particular need for me to live long. I answer questions simply because I’m alive and you want to ask. In fact, if you listen carefully to just one or two points, there’s more to practice than to ask about afterward.

However, you don’t practice in daily life; you just suffer and then ask questions again. I’m not criticizing you for asking questions. That’s simply the nature of sentient beings. I’m just explaining the principle. There aren’t many records of the Buddha’s disciples listening to Dharma talks for extended periods. Instead, there are many records of them practicing for a long time after experiencing a sudden awakening. The essence of practice lies in maintaining awareness and constantly observing yourself and your daily life. In other words, it means cherishing yourself. To do this, as soon as you wake up and open your eyes, you should feel grateful thinking ‘I’m alive,’ and dedicate one full hour to practice to purify yourself. After doing this, it’s okay if the rest of your daily life is a bit less perfect. Help when you can help, answer when someone asks, clean when something is dirty, and eat when it’s time to eat.

You can eat this or that. You can dress this way or that way. You can sleep here or there. You can meet this person or that person. It’s fine if a baby is born in someone’s house, and it’s fine if someone dies in another house. When you look at the world broadly, these are all things that happen constantly. Like leaves blooming and falling with the changing seasons, these are simply things that have always occurred. Today, it may seem tremendously important whether to have bulgogi, kimbap, or ramen for lunch. But what you ate for lunch exactly one year ago today—is that really so important? Even if you went hungry then, it’s not a big deal now. We live our lives anxiously worrying about things that, in hindsight, turn out to be nothing at all. Buddhism doesn’t become Buddhism just by attaching the name to it. Listening to the Dharma, understanding the Dharma, experiencing the Dharma, and thereby living a life free from suffering—that is Buddhism.”

Next, Sunim took questions from those who had signed up in advance. Three people asked questions online.

One of them sought Sunim’s advice, wondering why their heart, which was endlessly warm at volunteer sites, would suddenly turn cold in front of their sick mother.

Why Am I Warm to Strangers but Irritated with My Mother?

“Last week, I volunteered as a co-facilitator at the Awakening Retreat (깨달음의 장).On Sunday evening, the last day of volunteering, I received a call from my mother when I got home. She said she had lots of vegetables and asked me to come over and cook them together. At that moment, I felt a surge of irritation and felt like I was being forced to do something. I ended up saying curtly that it was too much trouble and hung up. Afterward, I felt very uncomfortable. The next morning, while doing prostrations, I suddenly realized something. My mother has the freedom to say and act as she wishes, but I had been dictatorial, thinking ‘Mother is wrong and I am right’ just because I didn’t like what she said. I repented for that mindset. Looking back, when I was volunteering at the Awakening Retreat, I felt happy seeing the participants’ faces brighten on the last day of the retreat. Seeing them become free from suffering made me feel proud, thinking ‘I was really well-utilized here.’ But when I got home and received my mother’s call, why did I feel irritated? Why did I feel that way when a sick, elderly person said she needed her daughter and just wanted to make some vegetable side dishes together? I willingly gave my heart to 5 days and 4 nights of volunteering, so why couldn’t I spare even a few hours for my mother? The heart I had while volunteering at the Awakening Retreat was genuine, so I wonder why that same heart doesn’t extend to my mother.”

“Just like how you were moved at the Awakening Retreat and then got irritated with your mother when you got home, if I give you an answer now, won’t you be moved again and then get irritated when your mother calls this evening?

This reaction is a ‘habit.’ Habits occur unconsciously and are automated. Our brain has a characteristic of automatically processing actions when they are repeated once, twice, or multiple times. This is because automation requires less energy. What initially required intention and decision-making eventually runs on its own after being repeated several times. When this happens, the cerebral cortex cannot perceive it. For example, when someone rings the bell, I ask ‘Who is it?’ and open the door. When this happens repeatedly, it becomes bothersome. So we make it so the door opens automatically when someone comes. Then I don’t know who’s coming. This is habit. That’s why after we burst out in anger, we say ‘I did it without realizing,’ ‘I did it habitually,’ or ‘I did it unconsciously.’ These three expressions essentially mean the same thing. The key point is that we did it without knowing. This is ‘ignorance.’ When we say all suffering comes from ignorance, ignorance refers to exactly this state. There is no awareness, and things run automatically. When certain stimuli come, anger flares up instantly, or when we see certain things, desire arises immediately. The emotional response has become automated. However, during the retreat, you were somewhat tense and mindful, carefully observing each thing while being conscious of maintaining awareness. Awareness prevents automation. On the other hand, when you come home, you let your guard down. Although the retreat center seemed nice, you were actually quite tired from being tense there. Just when you wanted to relax and rest after releasing that tension, your mother called saying ‘come home,’ and resistance automatically arose. It’s not a matter of good or bad; it’s a habituated reaction. Habits are not easily changed.

If the questioner hadn’t served as a co-facilitator at the Awakening Retreat, you would have gotten irritated in this situation without even realizing what the problem was. You would have just thought, ‘Mom is always like that,’ and that would have been the end of it. But when you compare your attitude at the retreat with your attitude toward your mother, even the most insensitive person can see the contradiction. It’s clearly contradictory to act so joyfully with others while reacting differently at home. You are now aware of this contradiction. When you ask, ‘What is this? Can I call this practice while behaving like this?’ it means that you’ve begun to recognize your own contradictions, which you couldn’t see before. Although it hasn’t been corrected yet, the awareness has begun. As you become aware once, twice, and many more times, you’ll gradually move in the direction of change. So while the result looks like a mistake, this isn’t a case where there was no problem before and suddenly problems arose because of practice. The mistakes were there before too, but back then you didn’t even know they were mistakes. Now, through practice, you’ve come to realize ‘I’m doing something wrong.’ It just hasn’t been corrected yet. You need to go a bit further before you can improve. So you can understand this as ‘being at one stage of natural transformation.’ Psychologically, it must be uncomfortable. Before, you weren’t uncomfortable because you didn’t know, but now that you know, it’s uncomfortable. However, this discomfort isn’t a bad thing. You need to feel uncomfortable to make changes. People don’t change when they’re comfortable. So you’re doing fine. You were prepared to be scolded when you asked this question, but now you’re disappointed that I’m not scolding you, aren’t you? (laughter)

This is also part of the process. It’s not that you did well, and it’s true that you made a mistake. However, what’s important is that you became aware of your mistake. When Master Wonhyo (원효대사

)

drank water from a skull and then vomited it up, it was a ‘wrong action,’ but because he became aware of that action, it became an opportunity for enlightenment. You’ve gained an opportunity to move in the direction of not making such mistakes again. Now you’ve discovered the contradiction in your actions. From now on, you can practice to improve this. In that process, you’ll repeatedly make mistakes and discover contradictions again. You’ll do well at the temple but fail at home repeatedly. Eventually, you might hear your husband say, ‘Then why do you go to the temple? Why do you listen to Sunim’s Dharma talks?’ But the very fact that such words reach your ears is evidence that you’ve changed from before. If you hadn’t changed, you would just let such words pass by. So in the long run, you’re in the process of improving. Of course, in the short term, what you did was wrong. You can hold both perspectives together.”

“Thank you. I understand well.”

Questions continued one after another.

I’ve just become a new group facilitator. What attitude should I have to harmonize with group members and grow together?

I’m raising a two-year-old daughter with hereditary spastic paraplegia. Should I focus on professional treatment, or is loving care more important?

I’m currently living in community at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center. I’m wondering whether to leave or continue living in the community.

After concluding the dialogue, participants watched a video about various upcoming Jungto Society events scheduled for next week, then closed the Weekly Dharma Assembly with the Four Great Vows.

After lunch, Sunim went for a medical appointment. After the consultation, Sunim returned to the Jungto Social and Cultural Center(정토사회문화회관) to discuss the first half of the year’s overseas schedule with staff members.

They reviewed and adjusted major schedules for the first half of the year, including emergency relief activities for flood-affected areas in Indonesia, SBS broadcast filming schedule, overseas lecture tours, and visits to Washington D.C. and Syria, before concluding the meeting.

At 4 PM, Sunim departed from Seoul for Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center (두북수련원). Originally, he was scheduled to begin relief activities in Pakistan today, but since the visa wasn’t issued, he decided to rest and receive treatment at Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center.

After a 3.5-hour drive, they arrived at Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center at 7:30 PM. During the drive, the sun set outside the window.

In the evening, Sunim finished the day’s work by proofreading manuscripts and handling various tasks.

As Sunim’s back pain continues without improvement, he plans to visit the hospital tomorrow morning and rest for health recovery in the afternoon.