My Mother with Dementia Says She Never Hit Me. How Should I Respond?

Hello. Today, Sunim held back-to-back live Dharma Q&A sessions in the morning, and in the afternoon, he delivered coal briquettes with members of ‘Gilbeot,’ a community for artists in broadcasting, film, and theater who practice mindfulness and engage in social activities, followed by a dialogue with them.

After completing his early morning practice and meditation, Sunim took his seat in front of the camera setup in the practice room on the second floor of the Jungto Center at 8 AM for the Live Dharma Talk. He began the day with an online Dharma Q&A session for Jungto Society members worldwide, with about 200 English-speaking members from the United States, Canada, Europe, Asia, and other countries connected to the video conference.

After the introductory video ended, Sunim greeted everyone with a smile and began taking questions. During the 90-minute session, five people clicked the raise hand button to ask Sunim questions. One of them shared concerns about finding balance between gentleness and firmness in daily life.

Should I Be Gentle or Firm? How Much Should a Practitioner Endure?

“My question is how to strike a balance between gentleness and firmness in daily life. Gentleness often reflects compassion, yet firmness is sometimes necessary to achieve results. For example, when my internet service failed, my polite complaint was dealt with slowly, but when my colleague spoke more sharply, the issue was resolved immediately, which made me question my approach. Where is the healthy boundary between being patient and being firm? As a Buddhist practitioner, should I always be gentle, even if it means slower results? Or are there moments when being firm is a more appropriate and effective response?”

“Listening to your question reminded me of a similar experience I had at an airport. When I arrived at the airport to check in, I was told it was already closed and I couldn’t enter. The cutoff time was 40 minutes before departure, and since I had arrived an hour early, I naturally thought I would be fine. But they said it was already closed. I had urgent business, so I earnestly pleaded with them to let me in. But they said it was already closed and refused. I pleaded for nearly 10 minutes, but they wouldn’t let me in. Then another person happened to arrive late and protested to the airline. They argued very forcefully that the legal cutoff time was 40 minutes before departure, but they had closed it an hour early, which was illegal. Thanks to that person, I was able to check in as well. Once I got to the boarding gate, I could see why they had closed early. The airline had overbooked the seats, and they couldn’t accept any more check-ins because the flight was full. As a result of my entering, another passenger who had already been assigned the same seat had to come out, and that person also protested vehemently to the airline.

What I’m saying is that sometimes speaking strongly while standing on principle can help solve problems. I was happy that my problem was resolved, but at the same time, another passenger had to be canceled and come out. I realized that someone else could suffer a loss because of me. From a Buddhist perspective, protesting angrily and forcefully out of dissatisfaction is not befitting a practitioner. However, acting strongly and firmly to solve certain social problems may be necessary depending on the situation. Raising issues firmly but with a calm mind, without anger, does not deviate from the principles of a Buddhist practitioner. However, in reality, it’s difficult for us to maintain equanimity. When we speak gently and softly, or with an indecisive attitude, problems sometimes don’t get resolved. When we speak strongly out of anger, they sometimes do get resolved. However, speaking strongly out of anger can create conflict and lead to disputes, which can make problem-solving even more difficult. Small conflicts can grow into major disputes, and sometimes even lead to war. So I cannot definitively say that ‘speaking strongly out of anger always works.’

The Buddha taught us to maintain equanimity and act compassionately when solving problems. At the same time, he also permitted raising issues with a strong and firm attitude. While the perspective differs in Theravada Buddhism, from the Mahayana Buddhist perspective of bodhisattva practice, it is acceptable for a bodhisattva to act with a firm and strong attitude to solve certain social problems. The expression in Mahayana sutras that ‘certain deities with special powers protect bodhisattvas’ can be understood in this context. However, when acting this way, we usually tend to lose our mental equanimity.

So I suggest two approaches to you. First, maintain equanimity when raising issues. Second, make suggestions about current matters with a gentle attitude. If that doesn’t resolve the issue, you can either give up, or if you must resolve it, you can try pushing strongly. However, this strong approach is from the Mahayana Buddhist perspective, not the Theravada perspective.”

“I was actually quite polite and gentle, but my friend lost his patience, so I took advantage of his anger. So the problem was resolved not because of me.”

“Yes. In any case, I would say that the ‘Middle Way’ is using these two methods appropriately according to the situation at hand.”

Questions continued one after another. As various questions and Sunim’s answers continued, it reached 9:30 AM and the dialogue came to an end.

After finishing the live broadcast, Sunim briefly greeted visitors who had come to the Jungto Center. Kyung-taek Lee and Seung-hoon Lee, members of LA Jungto Society in the United States, had visited Korea to make a pilgrimage to Jungto Society’s main temples.

“Please visit Jukrimjeongsa, Cheollyongsa, Adomoryewon, Mungyeong Jungto Retreat Center, and the Education and Training Center – make a full tour around the country. I’ll personally guide you to Cheollyongsa tomorrow. Welcome.”

After asking Dharma Teacher Myodeok to guide the two visitors well, Sunim headed to the broadcasting room.

From 10 AM, Sunim held an online Dharma Q&A session from the broadcasting room at the Jungto Center, having a dialogue with Jungto Sutra Course students about questions they had while attending classes.

With about 1,000 people connected to the live broadcast, they watched a video showing the Sutra Course students’ practice activities over the past month.

Then everyone requested a Dharma talk from Sunim with three prostrations. After introducing the curriculum of the Jungto Sutra Course, Sunim immediately began taking questions from students. He first had dialogues with six people who had submitted questions in advance, then took and answered questions on the spot. One person sought Sunim’s advice on how to practice without forming fixed notions, saying that while they could be aware, it was difficult to let go of the solid “fixed notions” they had already formed of family, friends, and colleagues.

Can I Really Let Go of the Fixed “Notions” I Have of Family, Friends, and Colleagues?

“If I hadn’t started studying the sutras, I probably wouldn’t have known that I have a fixed notion of self (ah-sang), and I would have lived without distinguishing between compassion and greed. I’m simply grateful that I can study the sutras now. However, while I’ve become able to be aware, I’m doubtful whether it’s really possible not to form fixed notions. Especially with family, friends, and colleagues whom I meet frequently, the fixed notions I’ve already formed seem quite solid. I’m curious about what it specifically means to let go of these fixed notions.”

“When you observe dogs and cats, you can see that dogs have certain characteristics and cats have others. The wisdom that distinguishes and knows these characteristics is called discriminating wisdom (分別智). However, if you consider these characteristics as ‘problematic,’ this is called ‘making judgments,’ which becomes discriminating mind (分別心) or judgmental mind (是非心). In other words, if knowing the characteristics and differences between two objects helps solve a problem, it’s called wisdom. But if distinguishing these characteristics and differences as ‘good or bad,’ ‘right or wrong’ creates anger in your mind and becomes an obstacle to solving problems, it’s called discriminating mind and judgmental mind.

For example, knowing that ‘among my friends, one has a tendency to lose their temper when criticized, and another really likes being praised’ is not forming a fixed notion – it’s knowing their characteristics. But if you think ‘this friend only knows how to receive praise, and that friend loses their temper when criticized so I can’t criticize them,’ and consider them a ‘bad friend,’ this is what we call a ‘fixed notion’ (相). A fixed notion is prejudice. While a person may have such tendencies, they also have aspects that aren’t like that. They may be like that sometimes, but not at other times. In other words, fixing certain characteristics is called a ‘fixed notion.’ You’ve only seen it that way through a few experiences; you can’t definitively say ‘that person is really like that.’ When you try a food and find it tasteless, then objectify it as ‘tasteless food,’ that’s a fixed notion. Knowing ‘it doesn’t suit my taste’ is not a fixed notion but experience. It’s good that you observe the characteristics of your colleagues thoroughly. If you can’t do this, people will say you ‘lack awareness’ or ‘are lacking in wisdom.’ Carefully observing others’ characteristics and conversing and coordinating opinions accordingly belongs to wisdom. However, it’s fine to say ‘it seems that way to me’ or ‘I think that seems problematic’ without definitively judging those characteristics as ‘good or bad.’ This isn’t forming a fixed notion but expressing your own view. There’s a difference between ‘what feels like a problem to me’ and considering it ‘a real problem.

Not forming fixed notions doesn’t mean having no discrimination at all. You need discriminating wisdom to guide sentient beings. The wisdom that knows ‘all phenomena are empty,’ ‘there is no right or wrong, no correct or incorrect’ is called insight wisdom (洞察智). With insight wisdom, you have nothing to suffer about. However, if you only have insight wisdom without discriminating wisdom, you can’t understand subtle differences and just lump everything together as ’empty,’ so you can’t guide others according to their needs. A bodhisattva needs discriminating wisdom to guide others according to their circumstances.

Not all discrimination is called a fixed notion. Making fixed judgments is called a fixed notion. Objectifying what I’ve seen and my perspective as reality is called ‘forming a fixed notion.’ Saying ‘that’s blue’ instead of ‘it looks blue to me’ is a fixed notion. You should say ‘it appears blue to my eyes.’ That’s why even Ananda, the Buddha’s disciple, didn’t say ‘the Buddha said this’ but rather ‘the Buddha’s words sounded like this to me.’ This is an expression that avoids forming fixed notions.”

“Thank you. I understand well.”

Questions continued one after another.

The Diamond Sutra says ‘there is no self,’ while the Platform Sutra says ‘find your true self,’ which seems contradictory. How should I understand these opposing expressions?

While practicing the guideline to see the world without prejudice, I’m wondering if positive preferences might also be a kind of preconception. Are positive perspectives and preferences also preconceptions that should be let go?

I worry that letting go of attachment will eliminate desires and life’s driving force, hindering personal and social development. Also, why must we save all sentient beings? What is the reason?

Compassion comes easily toward others but it’s difficult to have compassion for family. If I keep practicing ‘they could be that way,’ will genuine compassion arise?

When trying to set standards without being attached, I experience conflict between indecisiveness and stubbornness. When placed in a position of criticism, what is the middle way?

After the dialogue, Sunim emphasized that sutra study comes alive as wisdom not through mysticism or stubbornness, but through a balanced attitude of accepting what is understood and setting aside what isn’t understood for the time being.

“When studying at the Sutra Course, accept what you understand now as it is, and for what you don’t understand, don’t conclude it’s ‘wrong’ or ‘unnecessary’ – just set it aside for now. Believe what you can believe, and what’s difficult to believe now doesn’t need to be forcefully accepted or denied.

Studying Sutras: If You Don’t Understand, Just Set It Aside

When you complete the entire curriculum and look back, you may find that parts you couldn’t understand before now make sense naturally, and content you once rejected in disbelief may change to something positive. If there are still things you don’t understand, simply set them aside again. As you continue studying this way, your perspective on Buddhism will broaden, and the depth of your awakening will deepen, allowing you to think lightly, ‘Looking back, it wasn’t such a big deal.’ There’s no need to approach it mystically, thinking ‘there must be some special secret’ just because you don’t understand. Even if you can’t see it now, it will naturally become visible when you open your eyes more deeply. You just don’t know it now, but that’s not a problem.

However, you must not forget that any teaching should be verifiable in reality. There’s no need to be swayed by abstract words disconnected from life. But it’s also not good to be trapped in your own thoughts, thinking ‘What could there be? What I know is everything.’ We all have ego and obstinacy that prevent us from seeing and cause us to miss things. What I know is not everything. In studying sutras, these two aspects must be balanced. The attitude of not clinging to what I know while acknowledging that there are worlds I don’t know, and the attitude of not treating unknown worlds as mysticism – I hope you will continue your studies step by step to the next level while maintaining balance between these two.”

The Sutra Course students took Sunim’s words to heart and concluded the live broadcast with the Four Great Vows. Group mindful sharing sessions followed.

After leaving the broadcasting room, Sunim had lunch and changed into work clothes to deliver coal briquettes with the Gilbeot group. He put on winter pants, an apron, arm guards, gloves, and a mask, then got into the car.

Today’s coal briquette delivery was scheduled for the Guryong Village shantytown in Gaepo-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul. When Sunim arrived, about 120 Gilbeot members working in broadcasting, film, theater, and the arts had gathered to deliver coal briquettes. Actor Jo In-sung was the first to welcome Sunim.

“Sunim, how have you been?”

“Yes, I returned from Japan early yesterday morning.”

Everyone belatedly recognized Sunim in his work clothes and mask and exchanged warm greetings. Today, Sunim decided to join them not as a guiding Dharma teacher but as a coal briquette deliveryman.

After warming up with some exercises, Sunim, as the chairman of JTS, gave the opening remarks.

“So many of you came. Nice to meet you all. It seemed quite cold, but the weather has warmed up a bit today, hasn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Next week it’s supposed to drop to minus 10 degrees Celsius and be very cold, so you picked a good day. I scheduled the opening ceremony of the Yongseong Memorial Hall for December 4th, and they say it will drop to minus 10 degrees that day, so people joke, ‘The weather is cold because Sunim is cold.’ Am I really that cold?” (laughter)

“No.”

“Today, we’ve decided to support this neighborhood, Seoul’s last remaining shantytown, with coal briquettes so the elderly and residents can spend the winter warmly. However, I heard that redevelopment will soon take place here too, and many people have already moved out, greatly reducing the number of residents. So this might be our last coal briquette support.

Coal Briquette Volunteering That Benefits Both You and Me

When we volunteer like this, we feel good first. Since we use our bodies enough to sweat, it’s also good exercise. Second, it’s good to do it together. When we go to lecture halls, Sunim is on the podium, you are in the audience seats, and we are divided between the stage and below. However, the experience of working together side by side, sweating and getting coal dust on ourselves, creates an entirely different dimension of intimacy. When we struggle together, laugh together, and work together, we become much closer. And it’s not just good for us. The local residents can stay warm throughout the winter with enough coal briquettes, so it’s good for everyone. Something good for both you and me – that’s exactly what our volunteering is today.

It may be difficult to volunteer often because of busy daily lives, but I think it’s truly precious that the Gilbeot group gathers like this once or twice a year. That’s why so many of you have taken time to participate today. Even if your back hurts a little, your arms ache, and you sweat today, please don’t think of it as difficult, but join with a joyful heart. I’ve mainly been stacking coal briquettes, but I think it’s time to hand over this task to someone else. I’ll teach you how to stack coal briquettes today, so please take the lead from now on. I’m also very happy and grateful to be with you all.”

Everyone shouted “Let’s go!” together and began climbing the narrow alleyways to deliver coal briquettes. A local resident from Guryong Village came out to show which houses would receive coal briquettes today. Sunim headed to the house at the very top, the farthest location.

Today, the Gilbeot group needs to deliver a total of 3,400 coal briquettes. JTS and the Gilbeot group selected 17 households including those with disabled members, severely ill patients, and veterans, and decided to deliver 200 briquettes to each household. While everyone faces difficulties, these are people living in particularly challenging circumstances.

Yesterday, JTS volunteers had already unloaded coal briquettes on roads accessible by vehicles. However, since cars cannot enter the narrow alleys, Gilbeot volunteers had to line up along each alley and pass the coal briquettes from hand to hand.

“Please line up at arm’s length intervals. We’ll stand facing each other in a zigzag pattern to transport the coal briquettes.”

Following Sunim’s guidance, a long line was formed. They stacked 200 coal briquettes at each house. This year too, Sunim took charge of going into houses and stacking the coal briquettes. He was the only one with experience in stacking coal briquettes.

Sunim first leveled the floor and then stacked the coal briquettes neatly.

Once a certain amount of coal briquettes were stacked, Sunim entrusted the stacking to a volunteer.

“Now you just need to stack them neatly on top of this. Try it.”

Once the coal briquette stacking became stable, Sunim went outside to oversee the whole operation.

“I shouldn’t see any idle hands. Come on, quickly!” (laughter)

They counted each coal briquette as they carried them one by one.

“1, 2, 3…… 198, 199”

Actors Jo In-sung, Han Hyo-joo, and Im Se-mi also stood in line at various points, diligently carrying coal briquettes alongside their colleagues.

The clean gloves and sleeves quickly turned black. The masks also became darkened as if covered in soot.

“Last 200 briquettes coming through!”

As the last coal briquette departed, everyone cheered with joy.

This time, coal briquettes were stacked outdoors relatively close to the house. Since multiple households share these briquettes, 600 pieces were to be stacked here.

While Sunim was carefully stacking the coal briquettes one by one, the homeowner who had been silently watching made a request.

“Sunim, please stack the briquettes as high as possible. We need some space on the side to store other items.”

It seemed that support items from other organizations besides JTS would also need to be stored here. Sunim skillfully stacked the coal briquettes as high as possible.

After completing the delivery of 200 briquettes, the team continued without delay to the next house, and then the next. As they repeated the same movements, some people groaned from back pain.

They diligently carried the coal briquettes, occasionally switching directions. Beads of sweat formed on their foreheads.

Since the delivery routes were not as long as in previous years, the delivery of 3,400 briquettes was completed in just an hour and a half.

“This is the last briquette. We’re done!”

Though their bodies ached, they felt proud walking out of the alley empty-handed. When they removed their gloves, black coal dust was visible.

With coal dust still on their faces, everyone took a commemorative photo together.

“Gilbeot, fighting!”

The Gilbeot group participants held a mindful sharing session on site. After greeting the actors, Sunim immediately got in the car and headed to the Jungto Social and Cultural Center.

“I’ll go ahead. Please come for dinner after your mindful sharing.”

In the basement cafeteria of the Jungto Social and Cultural Center, curry and kimchi lovingly prepared by JTS volunteers were laid out.

After warming up and enjoying a delicious meal, everyone gathered again in the main hall. Starting at 5:30 PM, participants had the opportunity to ask questions and engage in dialogue with Sunim about life’s concerns.

First, Sunim encouraged the Gilbeot gathering participants who had worked hard.

“Did you build some muscle after all that hard work?”

“Yes!”

“We worked together as exercise, so would anyone like to share their thoughts? This isn’t a special Dharma talk session, just a time for conversation. It felt a bit sad to just part ways, so we gathered together. Also, even though Gilbeot representative, writer Noh Hee-kyung, couldn’t work due to poor health, she should at least show her face. Please start with your greeting.”

Gilbeot representative, writer Noh Hee-kyung, then gave her greeting.

“I came just to say hello without doing any work. I’ve been volunteering for 23 years, and this is the first time I’ve missed it. So it felt really strange. Honestly, I thought I’d feel good about it, but I’ve been feeling empty for the past few days, thinking, ‘What if I can’t go anymore?’ I also felt a bit disappointed that I couldn’t experience the fun of working together. I was worried watching the cloudy weather. Looking outside from inside, it looked so cold without the sun. I thought, ‘It must be freezing. What should we do?’ But I’m glad to hear it wasn’t too cold. I’m really grateful to be able to see your faces like this.”

Anyone could then raise their hand and engage in dialogue with Sunim.

“While delivering coal briquettes, I felt like we were working in perfect harmony. It was hard, but strangely I could concentrate well… My mind became calm, almost like meditation. That made the volunteer work even more enjoyable.”

Some shared their impressions of delivering coal briquettes, while others talked about recent difficulties and shared their concerns. During the hour, six people asked Sunim questions. One of them sought Sunim’s advice on how to manage their emotions and respond when faced with their mother’s distorted memories.

My Mother with Dementia Says ‘I Never Hit You.’ How Should I Respond?
“I grew up in a devout Christian family, but I was severely beaten by my mother as a child. I have many terrifying memories, but I’ve tried to understand her difficult life and have blamed myself for being too sensitive. Even as an adult, the weight of those memories remains as a deep wound that crushes me even on stage. However, a few years ago, my mother began showing symptoms of mild dementia, and every time she sees me, she repeatedly says, ‘I never hit you. Right?’ It makes me feel confused, as if my memories of childhood abuse are wrong, and I’m struggling with the fact that I still have unresolved resentment. When my friend heard my story, she said, ‘That was severe child abuse,’ but I find it painful both to label my mother that way and to deny the truth. The next time my mother says, ‘I never hit you,’ should I honestly tell her the truth? Or should I say ‘That’s right’ to make her feel comfortable? I would like to ask Sunim which attitude is right between these two conflicts.”

“First, thank you for sharing so honestly. While listeners may find it interesting and educational, I know it wasn’t easy for you to share this story, so I appreciate your courage. Now, let’s think about why your mother keeps saying these things after developing dementia. Your mother had a very strong religious consciousness that ‘you shouldn’t hit children, you should love them.’ However, in her actual living environment and emotional state, she was under tremendous stress, hitting her child to the point of abuse, forcing studies, and acting compulsively. These two aspects created a lifelong internal conflict, which became guilt that made her life difficult.

As dementia set in and her rational faculties weakened, her desire to escape from that guilt came to the forefront. That’s why she keeps asking with wide eyes, ‘I never told you to study, right?’ ‘I never hit you, right?’ If she truly hadn’t hit you, there would be no reason to repeatedly confirm it. There would be no need to emphasize it. This shows how deeply guilt is embedded in her psyche. If she could think normally, she should actually say, ‘I’m sorry for hitting you. I did it wanting you to succeed, but I’m sorry it must have been painful for you.’ However, your mother still has strong religious compulsions and hasn’t yet reached the stage where she can honestly acknowledge her actions. So she’s trying to protect her mind by only asking, ‘I didn’t hit you, right?’ In this situation, both responses are possible. You could match your mother’s words and say, ‘Yes, Mom. That’s right. You never hit me.’ Or you could ease her tension with a joke like, ‘You didn’t hit me, but I did get hit. I don’t know who hit me, but I definitely got hit.’ Or you could gently reassure her by saying, ‘Mom, you did hit me. But it’s okay. You did it wanting me to succeed. I understand everything. So don’t feel too guilty.’

What’s important now isn’t resolving your past resentment about being hit, but helping your mother escape from that guilt even a little before she passes away. Because you have a desire for ‘I wish Mom would acknowledge my wounds,’ when she says such things, you wonder ‘Why is she doing this?’ But the situation has changed now. You’ve already become an adult, and your mother’s heart is becoming weak like a child’s. So understand this as a process where her guilt is rising from her unconscious, and approach it from the perspective of ‘How can I make Mom’s heart even a little more comfortable?’ If you look at it this way, you’ll feel more sorry for your mother, and it will become a bit easier to embrace her with your heart.”

“Thank you.”

“Achieving social justice and maintaining personal conscience aren’t necessarily contradictory. When we look at a problem, it seems like we’re looking at the situation externally, but in reality, the psychology of self-defense and self-resolution always works together. It looks like you’re thinking about your mother, but because your own feelings are ultimately entangled within, when your mother says such things, it’s difficult to properly understand ‘Why is Mom suddenly saying this?’ But if you change your perspective slightly, you can understand: ‘Mom pretended to be strong on the outside, but inside she felt tremendous guilt. Now she’s doing confirmation work to escape from that guilt.’ When you see it this way, you might even feel sorry for your mother.

Whether it’s better to match her by saying ‘Mom, you didn’t hit me’ to relieve some of her guilt, or to say ‘Mom, you did hit me. But it’s okay now. It was a wound when I was young, but now I understand your difficulties. Don’t feel too guilty’ – this isn’t something that can be determined here. You need to observe and adjust while actually conversing with your mother. What’s important is taking a position to help your mother escape from her guilt. As you go through the process of embracing your mother this way, your own wounds will naturally heal and disappear.”

“I understand well.”

Questions continued to follow.

While delivering coal briquettes, I heard that many residents have moved away. I’m curious if the coal briquette support for Guryong Village is actually reaching those who need help.

How can I reduce the awkwardness and distance I feel in Gilbeot gatherings?

As I get older, I naturally drift apart from friends I was once close to, which makes me feel sad. How can I accept distancing relationships and find peace of mind?

I worked hard this year too, but none of my results passed. So I wonder what I did… I feel empty. How can I encourage myself and find meaning in life?

My best friend committed a crime and went to prison. How should I balance my desire to help my friend with social responsibility?

After answering all the questions, the conversation ended at 6:30 PM. After taking a group photo together, Sunim left the main hall.

He immediately packed his belongings and departed from Seoul for Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center. The car that left at 7 PM traveled on the highway for 3 hours and 30 minutes, arriving at Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center at 10:30 PM.

Tomorrow, Sunim will have an online meeting with the Jungto Society Standing 1000-Day Preparation Committee early in the morning, then attend the National Dharma Teachers’ Training to give an opening Dharma talk. In the afternoon, he will visit Cheollyongsa Temple with guests for a tour, and then return to the National Dharma Teachers’ Training in the afternoon for a Dharma Q&A and closing Dharma talk.