I’m Living Well, but I Feel Anxious About Whether I Deserve to Be Happy

“I came to Germany and have a good job, earn good money, and live happily with someone I want to share my future with. Despite this, I have a strong anxiety that this happiness isn’t really mine. I wonder if I deserve to be happy, and even when I generously send money to my mother, I get caught up in self-censorship wondering if I should be this capable. I don’t understand why I want to return to an anxious state. I’m curious about how I can steady this anxious mind and maintain my happiness.”

“Right now, you are clinging to your current happiness. You’re afraid of breaking up with your boyfriend and anxious about possibly losing your current job. The reason you keep wondering if you deserve to be happy is because you want to maintain what you currently have. According to Buddha’s teachings, everything in this world is impermanent. Nothing lasts forever. Your parents could suddenly pass away, your boyfriend could say he wants to break up, or your workplace could let you go. This doesn’t mean these things will definitely happen, but rather that life has various possibilities. Our life is like a thrown ball. We don’t know which direction it will bounce. However, while we don’t know if the ball will bounce right or left, we at least know that it will bounce. Thus, there is certainty within uncertainty. There is also uncertainty within certainty. From the outside, most things seem inevitable, but when examined closely, everything is uncertain. When you understand this principle, you can be satisfied with the present while also being prepared for the future. You’re unable to fully enjoy even your current happiness because you worry about whether your good situation will continue into the future. I’m not saying to just enjoy the present without caring about tomorrow, but rather to live with the awareness that everything can change at any time. If your boyfriend strays, it would be disappointing but unavoidable. In such a case, thinking ‘How could you betray me?’ would negate even the past happiness, ultimately wasting your life. On the other hand, if you conclude with ‘I was happy during the time we spent together,’ then the past becomes completely yours. Even if you suddenly have to quit your job, if you think that you had a good time at the company, it becomes a complete part of your life. Just as you came from Korea to Germany and adapted, whether you meet this person or that person, work at this job or move to another, in the big picture, it’s all the same. Sometimes things might get worse than before, sometimes better. You only know by living through it. Currently, you like this person so much that you’d be discouraged if he turned away, but you might meet someone else and be even happier. There are cases where people lived in Syria, became refugees and went through really hard times, but after coming to Germany and adapting, found it much better. What you thought went well can turn out badly, and what you thought went wrong can turn out well. That’s why we have sayings like ‘misfortune can be a blessing in disguise’ and ‘a silver lining.’ I originally wanted to be a scientist, but became a monk after my teacher’s persuasion. So when I was young, it was very difficult to give up my dream of being a scientist. But after living as a monk for 55 years, this is also fine. I’m satisfied even though I took a path I didn’t want, while you suffer despite doing what you wanted. So whether you want something or not seems important at the moment, but in the long run, it’s not that important. These days, many people love each other so much they get married, only to eventually separate, but in the Joseon Dynasty, many people lived well together despite marrying without even seeing each other’s faces. In Mongolia, men go to other tribes to kidnap women for marriage. If caught by the woman’s tribe on the way back, they die, but if they safely reach their own tribe, they marry. The woman also resists to the end during the kidnapping, but if she ends up at the man’s tribe, she accepts the marriage. So instead of thinking only about what’s good right now, you need an attitude that keeps various possibilities open. You prefer working as a regular employee at one company for a long time, but why should a person be born only to work at one company? There’s no need to insist on just one workplace. If you have the vain thought of wanting to maintain happiness forever, you won’t be able to properly enjoy even your current happiness. If you live with the future possibilities slightly open, you’ll be satisfied with the present too.”

“Thank you. I understand.”