My Husband Had Children Overseas, How Should I Accept This Shock?

Hello. Today is the third day of Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s North America West Coast tour, with an event in San Francisco. San Francisco is a city where beautiful Pacific coastal scenery blends with diverse cultures.

Sunim began his day at 4:30 AM with morning chanting and practice.

After finishing the practice, Ju Sang-hyu, the executive director of Seattle Jungto Retreat Center, Dharma Teacher Myomyeong, and Park Geun-ae offered three prostrations to Sunim. Sunim encouraged Park Geun-ae, who was in charge of organizing this lecture tour, thanking her for her hard work and presenting her with a book he had brought from Korea.

Sunim then took a walk around the retreat center, explaining what could be done if new construction were undertaken, and instructed Executive Director Ju Sang-hyu to look into various matters.

After breakfast, they departed for Seattle International Airport at 6:30 AM.

After arriving at the airport and completing check-in procedures, they took off from Seattle International Airport at 9:00 AM and arrived at San Jose International Airport in California at 11:00 AM.

Upon arriving at San Jose Airport, Park Il-hwan, a member of San Francisco Jungto Society, was waiting to greet them. After exchanging warm greetings, they immediately departed for Kim Jun-ja’s residence.

When they arrived at Kim Jun-ja’s residence, Im Heung-gyu and Choi Hyun-sook, the couple in charge of organizing this lecture, were waiting for Sunim. After warm greetings, they had lunch together. Sunim apologized, saying he hadn’t slept all night due to jet lag, and took a brief rest. The weather was beautiful, with flowers blooming everywhere.

At 1:30 PM, members of San Francisco Jungto Society began arriving to attend a meeting with Sunim. The meeting was held from 2:00 to 3:00 PM for about an hour.

After the members offered three prostrations, Sunim asked about their well-being. The members shared many stories about the difficulties and benefits they experienced after transitioning to online Jungto Society. Questions followed.

“I heard that Jungto Society is now operating in a hybrid format combining online and offline. I’m curious about what progress has been made in this area.”

“Currently, Jungto Society is experimentally applying the hybrid format for one year following the recent 100-Day Dharma Talk, and we plan to evaluate it afterward. There are discussions at the Korean branch level about whether there should be at least one Dharma center. Dongnae Dharma Center and Ilsan Dharma Center are already being used as multicultural centers. Rather than opening Dharma centers in every region as before, we are considering experimentally operating one at the broader branch level first and exploring ways to supplement offline gatherings. No matter how moved people are online, it disappears immediately when they turn off the switch. It’s similar to watching a touching movie. It seems that opportunities to meet in person, have personal exchanges, and be inspired by senior practitioners are still necessary to some extent. To compensate for these limitations of online formats, we’re moving toward conducting study and learning online while combining offline activities for practical activities or meaningful events. However, for overseas locations where membership is small and managing a Dharma center is difficult, the current online format seems more suitable.”

“Since it’s difficult to establish Dharma centers overseas, how about holding monthly Dharma assemblies in a home-gathering style?”

“That’s a good suggestion. I’ll ask the 1000-Day Practice Preparatory Committee to consider it.”

After sharing several personal questions, time flew by quickly. The members offered three prostrations to Sunim, took a commemorative photo, and then went ahead to the venue to prepare for the event.

Sunim presented a book brought from Korea to Park Il-hwan, who would be driving from today until early tomorrow morning. He also gave books and a Buddha frame to Kim Jun-ja, who provided accommodation for today.

After resting until the lecture began and having a light snack, Sunim departed for the venue.

Today’s lecture was held at the College of San Mateo Theatre, located in San Mateo near San Francisco. When Sunim arrived at the venue, all the volunteers warmly greeted him.

A drum dance performance was being held as a pre-event at the venue. Sunim also watched the performance briefly. In the waiting room, he took photos with the student performers and expressed his gratitude.

As the sun set and 7:00 PM arrived, when Sunim walked onto the stage, the audience welcomed him with loud applause. About 150 people attended, including local Americans.

It had been a year since the lecture at St. Thomas Episcopal Church in Sunnyvale last September. First, Sunim gave his greeting with a bright smile.

If You See Disaster As a Blessing, There Is Nothing in This World That Is Not a Blessing

“I just saw on the news that the Korean President’s visit to Washington D.C. and the Korea-U.S. summit, which you must have been following with interest, ended successfully, which I think is very fortunate. I also heard that last weekend, the animated film ‘K-Pop Demon Hunters,’ set in Korea, was successfully screened across the United States. Living in America, do you feel pride as Koreans these days?”

“Yes!”

“Just at the end of last year, the country was very chaotic, but this is exactly what we call ‘turning misfortune into fortune’ (轉禍爲福). It means that even if things are difficult at the time, if you overcome them well, they become blessings instead. If you see disaster as a blessing, there is nothing in this world that is not a blessing. There is no need to deliberately create hardship or suffering; yet if we face and overcome the misfortunes already before us, rather than trying to escape them, they can become blessings. When you stand from this perspective, fear disappears no matter what problems arise in life. Dharma Q&A is not a lecture on a specific topic. It’s a conversation where we share the difficulties you face in life as if friends were meeting to talk. There are no right answers in life. You can live however you like, but when you live that way, unwanted results sometimes occur and it feels like a contradiction. That’s when you wonder ‘Why is this happening?’ and feel stressed. Dharma Q&A is a place where we comfortably exchange such concerns and resolve them thinking ‘Oh, it’s no big deal’ or ‘I can do it this way.’ You can ask questions casually, and I don’t need to prepare anything either. If it were a lecture, I would need to decide on a topic in advance, but since we don’t know what stories will come up in Dharma Q&A, preparation itself is impossible. In short, Dharma Q&A is a conversational lecture and Dharma talk.”

Next, those who had applied for questions in advance raised their hands and had conversations with Sunim. During the two hours, seven people asked Sunim questions. One of them shared that she recently discovered her husband had secretly had twins through artificial insemination with another woman overseas, and was struggling with whether to divorce or not.

My Husband Had Children Overseas, How Should I Accept This Shock?

“I’ve been married for 25 years. I believed we were living well, grateful for small happiness, but two weeks ago I discovered that my husband has twins born through artificial insemination with another woman overseas. The babies are one year old, and I also found documents showing my husband sending large sums of money to his home country. My husband doesn’t know that I know this. I’m currently quietly looking for a divorce lawyer. I want to know what lesson I must learn from this situation.”

“Do you two have children together?”

“No, we don’t. We tried artificial insemination three times in 2013, but we couldn’t have children.”

“Besides this incident, have you ever felt dissatisfied with your husband or thought it was difficult to live together?”

“No. He wasn’t a perfect husband, but I never thought that way.”

“There’s no such thing as a perfect husband. If you rarely thought about not wanting to live with him, you could say he was a perfect husband. As we can see from this incident, your husband had a strong desire to have a child who resembled him. Is that immoral?”

“He can want children, but I think hiding it from me for three years is immoral.”

“If your husband had told you honestly, would you have allowed it?”

“I really love my husband. If he had said he wanted to be a father and would choose another method, I would have gladly let him go.”

“Why talk about letting him go when you could just allow it?”

“I mean we could separate.”

“Why separate? Couples separate when it’s difficult and painful to live together. If it’s about children, that’s something that could be resolved through discussion between you two.”

“But there was no discussion between us.”

“You said you would have gladly separated if your husband had been honest. So from your husband’s perspective, he was worried you might ask for a divorce if he told you. He wanted children but didn’t want to separate from you, so he didn’t say anything.”

“Isn’t that lying?”

“It would be a lie if you asked ‘Did you have a child without me knowing?’ and he said ‘No.’ Just not saying something isn’t lying.”

“I saw the text messages between my husband and that woman. When I asked ‘What is this?’ my husband only said ‘It’s not what you think.’ So I said ‘If you want to be a father or live with another woman, tell me.’ My husband firmly said ‘That’s not it.'”

“Your husband did it because he wanted a baby, not because he wants to live with another woman. Your husband has absolutely no intention of divorcing you, but he wanted a child so badly that he considered ways to minimize the shock to his wife. He got a child through artificial insemination with a surrogate mother. It wasn’t about loving another woman; the child was the purpose. Of course, it was wrong to proceed without his wife’s knowledge, but he might have been planning to ask for your understanding and bring the child home once they were a bit older. He must have thought about it in his own way. If the core issue was that he liked another woman and then had a child with her, that could be seen as having an affair. In that case, you could say ‘If you like that woman better, go to her.’ But in this case, it’s not about another woman but purely about the desire to have a child. Strictly speaking, it’s surrogacy. As you said, after living together for 25 years, you might feel bad that he made such an important decision alone without consulting you. However, that in itself isn’t necessarily a reason for divorce.”

“I still don’t know whether they’re lovers or if she’s a surrogate.”

“That’s why I’m saying don’t make hasty decisions and observe the situation more. From what I see, it seems like this happened because your husband wanted a child, not because he likes another woman and wants to abandon the family.”

“I think my husband is too greedy. He should choose one or the other. I respect you greatly, Sunim, but what you’re saying is very difficult for me to accept.”

“This is a matter where both options could be chosen.”

“I want to choose only one.”

“You’re free to make whatever choice you want. I’m not opposing that. I’m just saying this situation is a bit different from typical infidelity.”

“My husband is sending a lot of money. But that’s our joint marital property. I’m unknowingly supporting a second family with my own money.”

“You’re emotionally charged right now and trying to decide ‘I can’t live with you because you deceived me.’ Before making a decision, you need to coolly assess the actual situation and economic losses. That’s why I first asked, ‘Apart from this incident, what other complaints did you have about your husband?’ If you originally wanted to divorce your husband, this incident could be a good justification. You have sufficient grounds for divorce and it’s advantageous for property division. However, if you had no thoughts of divorce and are making an emotional decision based on this one incident, you’re likely to regret it later. If this incident is the only thing your husband did wrong, his other good qualities might become visible again over time. I’m not defending your husband, but suggesting a careful approach to prevent future regret. If this is a situation that can be resolved by addressing just this incident, there may be no need to go as far as divorce. These days, many families adopt children who aren’t blood-related. So which choice would be better – adopting a child with no biological relationship to either spouse, or accepting a child who is your husband’s biological child but not born to you? By reaching an agreement with the surrogate mother and paying compensation, and going through paternity confirmation procedures, your husband can secure legal custody. This method is relatively easier legally since the blood relationship between the husband and child is clear, compared to adopting a child with no blood relationship. I’m saying this not for the surrogate mother’s sake, but out of consideration for you. My words might sound like I’m trying to help your husband, but actually I’m trying to prevent you from suffering losses. Talk with your husband first. If he doesn’t want a divorce, ask him ‘How were you planning to resolve this issue?’ For example, if your husband says ‘I’ll provide financial support and bring the child home,’ then you can make your own judgment. If your assets are worth a million dollars, calculate whether it’s better to give a hundred thousand to the surrogate mother and continue living together, or to divide the property and live separately. Don’t decide emotionally – choose based on profit and loss calculations. This matter is somewhat different in nature from an immoral affair.”

“He lied to me for three long years.”

“That’s from your perspective. But a third party might see the circumstances differently. Your husband tried artificial insemination with you, but when it didn’t work well, he looked for another method out of his desire for a child. If he had told you and no child resulted, he would have just been criticized for nothing, so he probably made plans and proceeded alone. It might have taken three years to confirm whether a child would actually be born or if there would be any health issues. I’m not trying to defend your husband. Often people start something and then find themselves in trouble because they couldn’t bring themselves to tell the truth, not because they intended to lie from the beginning. I hope you’ll be a bit more careful. If this is a husband you’ve lived with for 25 years, you need to have a conversation asking ‘Honey, I understand your desire for a child. So what should we do now?’ There’s no need to focus only on the fact that he deceived you for three years. A few days ago, there was a Korea-Japan summit. When we recall the Japanese colonial period, the invasion, comfort women issues, forced labor, and incidents like the assassination of Empress Myeongseong, we grind our teeth in anger and feel we don’t want to share even a meal with Japan. However, even if Japan hasn’t sufficiently repented for the past, cooperation is necessary for future benefits. Japan may seem like a big country, but compared to the US or China, it’s small. When Korea is in a difficult position amid US-China hegemonic competition, we need to cooperate with small neighboring countries. I’m not saying we should forgive the past, but that we should cooperate first for future benefits. Japan should reflect on the past, and we shouldn’t cling only to the past. Cooperation is future benefit. Similarly, this isn’t the time for you and your husband to fight. It’s not time to argue ‘Did you do well or did I do well?’ or ‘Why did you deceive me for three years?’ It’s time to discuss together how to solve this problem. You need to find realistic solutions together, including compensation for the surrogate mother. If your husband has no will to continue with you, discussion itself is unnecessary, but if he wants to continue living together, you two are on the same side, not enemies. Suppose your husband had an affair and got entangled with another woman. If the couple just fights each other, money will just drain away. Rather, the couple should unite and respond by saying ‘You seduced a married man, so we’ll sue you’ to prevent losses. But you’re so upset right now that you’re focused only on fighting with your husband who should be on your side. Because emotions are taking precedence, my words aren’t getting through to you.”

“Yes. Your words aren’t getting through to me, Sunim.”

“I understand. It’s okay if you fight, suffer losses later, and come to me in 10 years saying ‘Sunim, I was thinking wrongly back then.’ But I’ve given you advice. Don’t fight, put your heads together and discuss ‘How should we solve this problem?’ Divorce could be one of the solutions. If your husband says he wants to live with both that woman and you, that’s greed. In that case, you can decide to divorce. If not, you need to judge considering various scenarios – how much financial support, what to do about the child, whether divorce is better or if he’s a decent enough man to continue living with, or whether you might start fresh with another man. Though it won’t be easy at over fifty years old.”

“Ugh, I have no interest in men anymore.”

“Then consider whether it might be better to live alone. If you judge that ‘My husband didn’t do anything terribly wrong, but there’s no need to live together, so I’ll live alone,’ you can divorce.”

“I found out about this two weeks ago and was shocked. It really felt like the sky was falling and the earth was caving in. How do you see this situation, Sunim?”

“The moment I heard it, I thought ‘Oh my, with the population decreasing, it’s fortunate that two more children have been added.’ There’s no problem at all.”

“Listening to you, Sunim, my emotions are calming down a bit. But that doesn’t mean my heart or thoughts have changed. I’ll think about it carefully.”

Sunim asked the audience to raise their hands.

“I advised the questioner not to fight with her husband but to discuss this problem together. Divorce is one option, but I suggested considering living together first. Please raise your hand if you think this suggestion is worth considering. And raise your hand if you think ‘If he could deceive his wife of 25 years, he’s hopeless. It’s better to divorce quietly.'”

One in four people raised their hands saying divorce would be better, and three in four raised their hands saying she should be careful.

“Of course, what’s important isn’t others’ opinions. Even if the whole world says to divorce, if you want to live together, you should. Even if the whole world says to stay together, if you want to divorce, you should divorce. There’s no need to worry about others’ opinions. But you’ve only known about this for two weeks. Feeling like the sky has fallen means you’ve lost your composure. Decisions made without composure will definitely be regretted later. After discussing calmly with your husband, if you coolly judge ‘My husband didn’t do anything terribly wrong, but there’s no need to live together. It’s better to live alone,’ then it’s fine to divorce. But if you decide hastily out of spite, you’ll definitely regret it.”

“I understand. Thank you.”

Questions continued to follow.

• I’m considering adoption. What mindset should I have?

• It’s been three years since my husband passed away, but I still feel sadness and loneliness. What should I do?

• I have doubts about qualifications for parenthood. Don’t we need something like a parenting license?

• When teaching Buddhism in world history to students with weak attention spans, what would be helpful to tell them?

• I want to volunteer at a nonprofit organization and live for humanity. What mindset should I have?

• When I see people who defend racism, I feel anger. What mindset should I have?

Many more people wanted to ask questions, but it was time to end the lecture. Sunim concluded with closing remarks.

“There are two ways to solve problems that arise in life. First, there’s the method of identifying causes and solving them wisely. Second, there’s realizing that it wasn’t a problem in the first place. Even if your husband had a child somewhere, don’t look at it only emotionally – the couple needs to discuss it together. It’s an unexpected crisis in married life, but if it had fallen from the sky suddenly like lightning or a traffic accident, you wouldn’t resent it so much. Because you think your husband is the cause of the crisis, all responsibility goes only to him.

There are no problems in life, only events.

Looking at it broadly, an unexpected event has occurred between a couple. First, you need to hold hands and think about how to overcome this crisis. If it doesn’t work out, divorce is one of the solutions. Marriage is a social promise. Promises can be kept or broken. There’s no law that says ‘You absolutely cannot divorce.’ Also, if you look back at this incident after about 30 years, would it be as big a problem as it seems now? It’s not a big deal. Whether I sleep under the eaves or in a hotel tonight seems like a big deal right now, but after just one year, it’s nothing. The same goes for whether you ate bulgogi or ramen. It’s fine either way. This too will eventually just be a happening from when you were young. When you realize it’s not a problem, even the problem you’re facing now can be easily solved. Even if you consider it a problem, there’s a way to solve it wisely by becoming a bit more level-headed. Life has these two paths. The path of Buddhist practice is ‘realizing it’s not a problem.’ This is the philosophy of emptiness (空). Everything that happens in the world is actually not a big problem. It’s just an event that occurred. Even people being born or dying are just events in nature. Every day someone is born, and someone leaves this world. Neither dying nor being born is essentially a special event – they’re just phenomena. So ‘realizing there’s no problem’ is true enlightenment. One step below that is solving problems wisely. There are no big problems in your lives. The fact that you’re alive right now without dying is already success. The problems we experience are because we’re alive. If we were dead, we wouldn’t even have these issues. When you stand from the perspective that it’s not originally a big problem, even when problems arise, you can accept them thinking ‘I just need to solve it.’ Living this way makes life much more comfortable.”

After the lecture, a book signing session was held immediately. Most of the attendees stood in a long line to express their gratitude to Sunim and receive his autograph.

“I enjoyed today’s lecture. Thank you.”

After all the audience members had left the venue, Sunim took a commemorative photo with the volunteers who had prepared the lecture.

Sunim presented a book he had brought from Korea to Mr. Lim Heung-gyu, who oversaw the lecture. Mr. Lim had recently participated in an online ordination ceremony for leading members, and Sunim also presented him with an ordination certificate.

Since the volunteers who sold books outside couldn’t join the group photo, Sunim took a separate photo with them and encouraged them, saying they had all worked very hard.

The volunteers cleaned up the venue and had a mindful sharing session with Dharma Teacher Myodeok. After thanking the volunteers, Sunim headed to his accommodation. He arrived at the accommodation at 10:30 PM and presented a book to Ms. Lee Ye-jeong, who had volunteered as a driver.

Tomorrow, he will leave for San Francisco International Airport at 4:30 AM to fly to LA, where he will continue with the fourth lecture of his North American West Coast tour in the evening.