Why Am I Always Dissatisfied with Myself?

May 3, 2025 – Day 76 of the 100-Day Dharma Talk

Hello. Today is the 76th day of Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s 100-Day Dharma Talk.

In the morning, there was a 1080 prostration practice at the Dharma Hall on the third floor of the Jungto Social and Cultural Center. About 150 people participated, chanting Buddhist prayers vigorously and bowing in rhythm with the moktak wooden instrument.

Sunim spent the entire morning with the practice team organizing materials that had been collected over the past 20 years and moving them to the archive room.

At lunch, Park Gina, the representative of JTS, who had returned from Pakistan yesterday, discussed future support plans for the region.

After lunch, Sunim worked indoors during the afternoon. With no scheduled talks for the day, he was able to catch up on many pending tasks.

Tomorrow is the 77th day of the 100-Day Dharma Talk. In the morning, Sunim will guide the Sunday meditation, and in the afternoon, he will participate in the “All-Day Youth Talk” with young adults in their 20s and 30s to celebrate Buddha’s Birthday. He will engage in conversations with the youth alongside Kim Je-dong and writer Noh Hee-kyung.

Since there was no Dharma talk today, this content will conclude by introducing a conversation between a questioner and Sunim from the Dharma Q&A session held on the 18th.

**Why Am I Always Dissatisfied with Myself?
** “I don’t like myself. Even while waiting for my turn here today, I was so nervous that I felt like I was going to cry. I didn’t like this aspect of myself either, and watching other questioners speaking confidently beside me, I thought, ‘Why can’t I do that?’ and felt envious. I also don’t acknowledge the things I’ve accomplished. People around me say, ‘You did well. You’ve improved from before,’ but I think, ‘Anyone could do this much,’ and don’t recognize my own efforts. However, there was one thing I used to acknowledge about myself. I used to be pretty. When I was younger, I was confident about my face. Even if I had nothing else to show off, I lived with pride thinking, ‘At least I’m pretty, and that’s enough.’ But one day, I suddenly realized I was already thirty-nine, with a growing belly, more wrinkles, my face getting darker, and looking very unattractive. There are also many young people around me. Now I feel like I have nothing to show for myself. So my self-esteem has dropped, and I keep thinking, ‘I’m really not good at anything. I have nothing to show off, and I’m just getting old. Soon I’ll just be a middle-aged woman.’ These thoughts make me dislike myself. Then I start thinking, ‘Yes, I’ve had low self-esteem from birth. I was born without self-respect,’ and I hate myself more. How can I raise my self-esteem? How can I comfortably accept my aging appearance?”

“In your opinion, does the questioner speak well or poorly?”

“Well!”

The audience answered loudly with laughter. Sunim smiled and continued.

“The questioner speaks very well. Just as the questioner thinks others speak well, others think the same about the questioner. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the questioner as you are now. It’s just that your standards for yourself are too high. Simply put, they have something like a mild delusion of grandeur that prevents them from accepting themselves. Instead of seeing yourself as you are, you have an excessively high self-image of ‘who I should be.’ For example, you think you should be as beautiful as an actor, sing as well as a professional singer, and speak like Venerable Pomnyun Sunim. But when you look in the mirror, you’re not as attractive as an actor; when you sing, you’re not as good as a singer; and you don’t speak as well as Sunim, so you conclude, ‘I’m not good at anything.’ You compare yourself to all the best qualities in the world, which makes your actual self always seem inadequate. However, in reality, the ‘self’ is neither superior nor inferior. It’s just the ‘self.’

For example, look at this cup. This cup is neither big nor small. Compared to the microphone, it’s small, but compared to the cup lid, it’s big. The concepts of ‘big’ and ‘small’ don’t exist in the cup itself but arise when I perceive it. That’s why in Buddhism, it’s said that everything is created by the mind. ‘clean,’ ‘dirty,’ ‘expensive,’ ‘cheap,’ ‘handsome,’ ‘ugly’ – all these qualities don’t exist in the objects themselves but are distinctions arising in my mind as I perceive them. This is called ‘Ilcheyushimjo’ (一切唯心造, all phenomena are created by the mind). This doesn’t mean that something becomes gold if you call it gold, or silver if you call it silver. Rather, it means that distinctions like ‘big’ or ‘small’ arise through comparisons in our minds, while objects themselves are inherently neither big nor small. The same applies to you. You are just yourself. You’re neither superior nor inferior. But if you set high standards for yourself, you become an inadequate person in your own eyes. If you set lower standards, you become a capable person. People around you see you without delusions, so they tell you, “You did well enough.” But you evaluate yourself too highly, which is why you’re never satisfied. You keep thinking, “Is this really doing well? Don’t others do at least this much?” That’s why you can’t believe it when others compliment you. I am just myself. This cup is just a cup. But when compared to other things, this cup can appear either small or large. You create an imaginary version of yourself and become attached to it, which makes your real self seem inadequate and shameful. Ultimately, it’s about having too much greed. If this condition gets worse, you might feel too inadequate to go out, reluctant to leave your room. In severe cases, you might even have thoughts of dying. I call this the “inferiority disease.” You think you’re inadequate, but actually, this disease stems from wanting to be superior. By becoming attached to the thought of “wanting to be superior,” you’ve ended up with this “inferiority disease.” If you’re content with that, then continue living that way. From my perspective, you’re young. You could look at women older than you and think, “She’s still young at that age,” but instead, you compare yourself with much younger women and think, “I’m too old.” You’re selectively choosing comparisons that make you feel bad. When you compare yourself with people who have more money, you become someone without money. When you compare yourself with younger people, you become old. When you compare yourself with better speakers, you become someone who can’t speak well. As a result, you’ve become someone who isn’t good at anything. If you’re happy with that, continue living that way.”

“I asked this question because I don’t want to live like that.”

“Then don’t live like that.”

“How should I go about changing?”

“Instead of trying to elevate your real self to become superior, let go of the attachment to ‘wanting to be superior.’ If you abandon this illusion, you’ll find that you’re fine just as you are, and there’s no problem at all.”

“Yes, I understand. Please give me a phrase to remember.”

“Let go of your illusory self. Feelings of inferiority actually stem from a superiority complex. It’s because you want to be superior that you constantly think of yourself as inferior. Try praying: ‘I am good just as I am.'”

“Thank you.”

“Everything is relative. Age is the same way. Numbers themselves aren’t inherently many or few. They only seem that way when compared to something else. If someone says, ‘I’m thirty-five and still not married,’ such concerns come from outdated thinking. In the past, people believed everyone must marry upon reaching adulthood, and the ideal marriage age was between eighteen and twenty. If you missed this window, you might be called an old maid. But times have changed. Nowadays, the concept of an ‘ideal marriage age’ has lost its meaning. It’s an era where living alone isn’t problematic. In today’s world, the right time to marry is when you decide to marry and are prepared to live together. If you’re not prepared, then it’s not the right time, regardless of how young you are.

Also, marriage doesn’t necessarily mean having children. Childbirth is no longer a mandatory condition of marriage. So there’s no need to worry about marriage because of age. These days, even people in their 70s and 80s often remarry. In the past, people thought, ‘Why marry at such an old age?’ but now, even elderly people make friends and get married. The fixed standard of when to marry is disappearing. Previously, physical age was an important criterion, and childbirth was considered central to marriage, but now even that isn’t so important. There are married couples who live without children, and single women who have and raise children alone. The fixed idea that one must pass on their genes is also disappearing. We live in a world where sperm can be purchased from sperm banks and children can be conceived through artificial insemination. In such a world, what is the point of distinguishing between ‘my child’ and ‘your child’? Some people have children through surrogates. If you adopt and raise a child, that child is your child. If your body lives in the modern era but your thinking remains in the past, suffering arises.”

“Thank you. I understand well.”