I want to be happy on my own, free from a life that revolves only around my husband

Hello. Today is the 75th day of Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s 100-Day Dharma Talk. Today features the Friday Dharma Q&A session, which is open to all citizens.

After completing his morning practice and meditation, Sunim headed to the Jungto Social and Cultural Center to conduct the Friday Dharma Q&A session. Volunteers had arrived early in the morning to welcome citizens who came to attend the Q&A.

At 10:15 AM, the YouTube livestream began, and everyone recited the Three Refuges and Words for Practice together. With about 230 people in attendance and around 3,400 viewers connected to the YouTube livestream, Sunim began the conversation by discussing the rapidly changing political situation in South Korea.

“A foreign journalist once told me that when he first came to Korea, he was very confused. He would go to sleep, wake up in the morning, and the world would be completely different. Then he would sleep again, wake up, and the world would have changed again—it was so dizzying that it was hard to live here. But when he returned to his own country after staying in Korea, he found it completely boring. His country was too bland. So from a foreigner’s perspective, Korean society can be seen as very dynamic and ever-changing. I also heard a story from an elderly Korean-Chinese person in China who said that whenever they watch the news, it seems like Korea is about to collapse any day now. But in reality, it doesn’t collapse and continues to develop, which they find fascinating. From the perspective of someone living in a controlled society like China, Korean society appears very chaotic. How do you feel about Korean society right now? Does it feel like watching a drama series with many twists and turns? Or do you feel anxious that the country might collapse soon amid all these plot twists? Which side are you on?” (Laughter)

Sunim immediately began conversing with the questioners. Over the course of an hour and a half, eight people asked him questions. After responding to various inquiries, it was time to conclude. Though reluctantly, the talk ended at 12 o’clock.

Sunim had lunch with the group in the dining hall on the first basement level. After finishing the meal, at 1 PM, he headed to the National Assembly.

The South-North Peace Council, formed by senior figures in the Korean unification movement, held a K-Democracy Forum on the theme “K-Democracy and Peace on the Korean Peninsula.” Pastor Lee Hae-hak, the standing representative chairperson of the South-North Peace Council, had visited Sunim a few days earlier to request that he deliver congratulatory remarks at this forum.

Upon arriving at the National Assembly Library Auditorium, Sunim exchanged warm greetings with the senior community leaders. Pastor Lee Hae-hak also welcomed him.

At 2 PM, the forum began with the national ceremony.

Pastor Lee Hae-hak delivered the opening address first. He emphasized how citizens should carry forward the democratic spirit that stood against the December 3rd Martial Law.

“K-Democracy aspires to a society where all people around the world can live their lives with confidence. We must not repeat the failure of the Candlelight Revolution during the Park Geun-hye impeachment movement. The December 3rd Martial Law and the impeachment of President Yoon Seok-yeol should lead to the creation of new growth engines to overcome the deteriorated inter-Korean peace and the collapsed people’s economy.”

Next, Sunim took the stage to deliver his congratulatory remarks.

“The current inter-Korean relationship seems to be at its most tense since the Korean War and the subsequent armistice agreement. North Korea has defined its relationship with South Korea as ‘two hostile states.’ As a result, they have nullified all previous inter-Korean agreements and destroyed all roads and facilities that South Korea had invested in and built. Moreover, seeing North Korea form a military alliance with Russia and even deploy troops there makes it feel overwhelming to consider how to resolve inter-Korean relations going forward. If the South Korean government were blocking our humanitarian aid to North Korea or preventing exchanges, we might fight against our own government to make something happen. But when North Korea refuses to accept any aid, declines to meet, and rejects any exchange, we find ourselves in a situation where there are no possibilities for inter-Korean exchange and cooperation.

The Collapse of the Existing Order Presents a New Opportunity

Despite these conditions, I agree with the South-North Peace Council’s purpose of trying to improve inter-Korean relations. However, I believe it won’t be easy in a short period. Looking back at our history, such attempts have rarely succeeded easily. In a way, we have been challenging the impossible for the past 100 years, repeatedly failing until now. While each individual event may seem like a failure when examined separately, looking back now, they represent steps toward success. Just as a child falls repeatedly while learning to ride a bicycle but eventually succeeds, our modern history has created a great Republic of Korea through these processes of failure.

From this perspective, I believe there are many positive aspects even in the current extreme state of inter-Korean relations. We boast about our economic development, K-democracy, K-dramas, and the flowering of the Korean Wave, but all of this could disappear instantly in a war. Our development is in an unstable state, like a castle built on sand. Therefore, among the various issues Korean society must resolve, the peace issue should be addressed first. The peace issue—that ‘war must not break out on the Korean Peninsula for any reason’—is the challenge of our time. I believe this is not an issue of progressives or conservatives, nor of South or North Korea, but a ‘minimum point of agreement’ that our people must uphold. Of course, there are positive aspects to the current situation. First, although the two Koreas are building walls and refusing to see each other, it is fortunate that they are not fighting. The present situation—where there is no dialogue but also no fighting—is better than the past when we talked about exchange and unification but constantly fought with a high risk of war. Second, North Korea’s military alliance with Russia has created a balance of power against the ROK-US military alliance. Since the ROK-US military alliance has always been a point of contention between the two Koreas, achieving this balance of power in the current state is not necessarily bad. For example, last year, despite the high risk of war on the Korean Peninsula and heightened tensions between the two Koreas, North Korea responded less sensitively as they focused on the issue of troop deployment to Russia. What appears quite negative at first glance also contains positive aspects.

Looking at the international situation, since Trump became the US president, he has been dismantling the existing order, causing great confusion in the international community. However, during such chaotic periods when old orders collapse and new ones form, opportunities may arise to solve problems that couldn’t be resolved before. Within the existing order, peace issues couldn’t be solved due to hostile policies between North Korea and the US. But now, while the possibility of economic loss has increased, this could be seen as a good opportunity to resolve the more important issue of peace. With President Trump’s election in the US and our president’s declaration of martial law, there has been considerable internal turmoil, but from the perspective of inter-Korean relations, tensions have actually eased. Therefore, I think it would be good if we don’t just view situations that don’t go our way as difficulties, but instead recognize the positive aspects behind them and use them well.

The Martial Law Incident: Showing Both Institutional Vulnerability and Democratic Resilience

From a historical perspective, although there seemed to be many failures at the time, in the long view, we can see that we have been steadily progressing toward peace on the Korean Peninsula and the development of democracy. I believe this martial law incident is something that could only happen in South Korea. The ease with which martial law was declared reveals vulnerabilities in our democratic institutions. On the other hand, the fact that it was lifted within two hours is a positive aspect that would be difficult to find elsewhere in the world. South Korea’s democracy shows a duality – while it carries the risk of a president declaring martial law, it simultaneously possesses characteristics that make such attempts difficult to sustain.

Even amid these domestic and international situations, the fact that Reverend Lee Hae-hak and all of you have taken the initiative to organize the North-South Peace Conference feels like a harbinger bringing us news of spring—just as new shoots sprout underground while snow and ice still cover the surface. I believe our prayers for peace will become reality within a year. I am confident that the day will soon come when we will look back at you and say, “These people were the pioneers!” Once again, congratulations on launching the North-South Peace Conference. Just as we have always faced and overcome various difficulties, I believe we must continue to move forward with determination. I sincerely hope that we can fulfill our wish that “war must never break out on the Korean Peninsula again.”

The talk show then proceeded in earnest. Moderated by Yoon Kyung-ro, former president of Hansung University, the panel featured Moon Chung-in, former special advisor for unification, security, and foreign affairs under the Moon Jae-in administration; Kang Chang-il, former ambassador to Japan; and Do Cheon-su, standing representative of the North-South Peace Conference. They engaged in a lively discussion on various topics including “The Present and Future of K-Democracy,” “International Situation Surrounding the Korean Peninsula,” “Changes in North Korea’s Unification Strategy and Our Response,” and “Prospects for Peaceful Unification of the Republic of Korea.” Sunim listened attentively to the discussions among these senior figures of society.

After the forum concluded, everyone gathered for a commemorative photo before leaving the National Assembly.

After returning to the Jungto Social and Cultural Center, Sunim had dinner with the Sangha members and then headed to the basement auditorium for the Friday Dharma Q&A session.

As the sun set, many citizens arrived at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center after work to attend the Dharma Q&A. About 4,900 people connected via YouTube, while approximately 170 people were present at the venue.

After reciting the Three Refuges and Words for Practice, Sunim took the stage. Over the course of an hour and a half, six people raised their hands to engage in dialogue with him. Today, an interesting scene unfolded as a married couple came to the lecture together and asked questions from their respective perspectives. A wife who had endured loneliness living next to her in-laws for 26 years, and a husband who felt frustrated by their increasingly distant relationship despite his efforts to care for his wife, both sought Sunim’s advice on how they could live happily together.

I Want to Break Free from a Life Centered Around My Husband and Be Happy on My Own

“I’ve been living next to my in-laws for 26 years with my husband, who has three older sisters and a mother who has lived her entire life devoted to her son. My wish is to live peacefully with just my husband. I feel burdened when I’m with my husband because of his mother and sisters who seek him out every day, as well as his neighborhood friends. When my children were young, I could focus on them even when my husband wasn’t around, but now they’ve all grown up and moved out. Whether at work or at home, I feel empty and lonely whenever I try to immerse myself in something. My childhood friends are all in Busan, and most of the people I know now are my husband’s acquaintances. I can’t open up to people I’ve met at work because our lifestyles and thoughts are different. Given this situation, I want to be close with my husband who is nearby, but he has many friends who contact him, which makes me feel like I’m holding him back, and I keep feeling petty. It seems like it will be a long time before my husband returns to me, and waiting feels petty and difficult. I’d like to ask how I can let go of my feelings for my husband and live well on my own.”

“There are several approaches. First, since he’s your husband, don’t be self-conscious and just keep holding onto him. If your husband complains that he can’t stand it and makes a fuss, then you can let go a little. Don’t preemptively let go on your own. This is because you don’t know whether your husband wants to be with you or go to others, but you’re letting go out of fear in advance. Now that your children have grown up, you should do what you want to do.”

“When I let him go, he keeps going outside.”

“Exactly. Keep pulling him back saying, ‘Didn’t you marry me to live with me?’ Keep nagging him, saying things like, ‘We need to go out together at least one day a week.'” (Laughter)

“Today I came to the Dharma Q&A with my husband. I thought we should listen to Sunim’s teachings together. When I suggest going somewhere, he usually agrees, but even when we’re together, I feel anxious because others keep contacting him.”

“That’s your problem. You should go to the hospital and get a prescription for anti-anxiety medication.”

“The hospital?”

“If you feel anxious when people call your husband, that’s not your husband’s responsibility. How can your husband solve your anxiety about his phone ringing? He can’t be expected to not answer calls at all.

From what I can see, it’s not that your husband doesn’t care about you, but rather that you yourself constantly feel something is lacking. Even when you have conversations, you feel something is missing. In reality, even when he makes time for you and you say everything you want to say, you still feel something is lacking when you turn away. This indicates psychological anxiety. You keep feeling like something is missing. When I first heard your question, I thought your husband might be spending too much time outside the home, but after listening more, I realize this isn’t your husband’s problem but yours. And the fact that you brought your husband here suggests you’re hoping he’ll listen to me and reflect on his behavior. Practice isn’t about changing others to suit yourself. Practice is about changing yourself to find your own peace. Therefore, today’s Dharma Q&A is invalid. When you bring someone you’re in conflict with to a talk, the Dharma Q&A cannot proceed properly.”

“Is that so? I thought my husband should hear this too.”

“Please come back alone next time and ask your question again. Today’s session is invalid because trying to change others is not the proper attitude for practice. Practice is about finding your own peace regardless of what others do.”

“I’m trying to interfere less with my in-laws compared to before. But I feel uncomfortable whether I interfere or not.”

“If you’re uncomfortable whether you interfere or not, is this your problem or your in-laws’ problem?”

“It’s my problem. So I’m trying to manage on my own. But lately, I keep tearing up for no reason, and I feel sad whenever I speak.”

“The more I hear from you, it sounds like you should visit a doctor. These are symptoms of early depression. It seems like you might be experiencing menopausal symptoms. I suggest you go to a hospital for a checkup. Medication isn’t a big deal. Even just taking a mild sedative can help. Now that your children have become independent, your loneliness has increased, which seems to be causing these depressive symptoms. The core issue is psychological anxiety. It’s neither your husband’s problem nor your in-laws’, but you’re using them as excuses for your psychological anxiety. You’re thinking the problem lies in external circumstances—that your husband is filial and his parents often seek him out. The root cause is psychological anxiety. Is it bad that a son and mother care for each other? That’s a good thing. It’s also good when siblings get along well and call each other. In reality, there’s no problem at all. You need to first recognize that you have psychological anxiety. Nevertheless, if you want to be closer to your husband, you should actively express your wishes. It’s greedy to stay silent and expect your husband to figure out what you need. If you want to change something, you need to make an effort.”

“I understand. Thank you.”

“Who is the husband? Please raise your hand.”

Sunim identified the husband and then asked him a question.

Why Does Trying Harder to Please My Wife Make Us Grow Further Apart?

“Why did you marry only to leave your wife so lonely? Would you like her to find another man?”

“That’s not it. I’m doing my best for my wife in my own way. My wife has been strong and endured well until now, but now that our children have grown up and become independent, I think she’s going through menopause. My wife called me a filial son, but I’ve been visiting my parents on my own to reduce her stress about my family. I also visit her parents occasionally. Despite this, my wife seems to feel guilty about not fulfilling her duties. I tell her she’s done well so far, but I think it’s because of menopause.”

“If it’s because of menopause, should you just leave her alone? Or should you understand her and take care of her warmly?”

“I should take good care of my wife and spend more time with her, but it seems like the more I try, the more distant we become. I try to understand her, but when her irritability continues, I also get angry. I’m making an effort in my own way, but when she criticizes me for it, I find it difficult.”

“From what the husband is saying, it sounds like the more he tries to please his wife, the more she demands. And the wife is saying that the more she lets him go, the further he runs away.” (laughter)

“I find the time we spend arguing very wasteful. I feel sorry for my aging parents, but I try to focus more on my wife despite this. Yet the more I try, the more difficult our relationship becomes. When I come home irritated from outside, it’s harder for me to accept what my wife says. But if I engage in some hobbies before coming home, it’s a bit easier for me to handle her irritability.”

“The husband is saying exactly what I was going to say. But the husband also needs to reflect on something. He mentioned that his wife has endured well until now but can’t anymore. Enduring isn’t a good thing. Those who endure suffer, and after a certain time, they either become ill or explode. So praising her for enduring well until now isn’t right. You should create conditions where there’s nothing to endure.

From what the husband says, when he comes home, his wife complains a lot, so he doesn’t want to come home. It’s not that the husband is turning away from home, but that the wife is pushing him away. The husband goes out to build strength to handle his wife’s stress. While the husband might have a habit of enjoying time with friends, he feels uncomfortable when he comes home. Then, unconsciously, he doesn’t want to go home. Irritability might be tolerable once or twice, but when it becomes routine, it wears you down. Unconsciously, you start to dislike coming home. So you make all kinds of excuses, meeting people you don’t need to meet, making calls you don’t need to make, just to avoid coming home. This is how couples grow apart. The wife needs to visit a doctor for medication and stop making irritable comments. The husband needs to pay more attention to his wife who is experiencing menopausal symptoms. Both need to make an effort.”

After Sunim’s response, both the husband and wife were asked for their thoughts. The husband spoke first.

“Thank you. Listening to Sunim, I realized I still have shortcomings. I will make more effort to fulfill my wife’s emotional needs.”

The wife also shared her thoughts.

“I will try to manage my emotions better. Thank you.”

The entire audience applauded loudly to support the couple.

Today’s Dharma Q&A was particularly enriching as we could hear both the wife’s and husband’s perspectives in conversation.

The questions continued.

I have a serious personality and often don’t understand when someone makes a joke. How can I become more perceptive and better at understanding jokes?

Because I don’t express myself well, my wife doubts whether I love her. When she shares her concerns, I offer solutions without empathy, which makes her feel hurt.

I’m curious why Sunim said that mothers should raise their babies for three years. What happens if they don’t?

When I was in 8th grade, my parents left home, and I lived with my younger brother, who is 12 years younger, until we became adults. We don’t get along well. How can we improve our relationship?

In Buddhist terminology, there’s a term “muwi” (non-action). I’m curious about its meaning.

By the time the conversation ended, it was past 9 PM. The talk concluded with the Four Great Vows, with a promise to meet again next week at the same time.

Tomorrow is the 76th day of the 100-Day Dharma Talk. With no scheduled talks, Sunim plans to spend the entire day working indoors.