Meeting a Boyfriend Who Causes More Pain Each Time, What Should I Do With This Love?

Hello. This is day 61 of Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s 100-Day Dharma Talk. Today, there is a Friday Dharma Q&A session open to the general public.

After completing his morning practice and meditation, Sunim headed to the Jungto Social and Cultural Center to conduct the Friday Dharma Q&A session. Volunteers had arrived early in the morning to welcome people who came to attend the Dharma Q&A.

At 10:15 AM, everyone recited the Three Refuges and Words for Practice together. Before beginning the Dharma Q&A, Kim Ra-gyeol, a youth volunteer at Jungto Society, sang “Cherry Blossom Ending,” a song fitting for spring, and another song called “Brush” expressing hope for harmony between North and South Korea.

With about 260 people in attendance and around 3,400 people connected to the YouTube livestream, Sunim gave a brief greeting and immediately began conversing with questioners.

During the hour and a half session, six people asked Sunim questions. One person sought Sunim’s advice about a man she wanted to marry, explaining that the more she met him, the more she experienced emotional rollercoasters of anxiety, jealousy, and envy.

Meeting a Boyfriend Who Causes More Pain Each Time, What Should I Do With This Love?

“I have a man I like enough to want to marry, who is close to my ideal type. However, he says he has no intention of marrying me. When I asked him ‘What kind of relationship do we have?’ he said we’re like friends, lovers, and family, and asked isn’t that good enough. If marriage itself had been my goal, I would have left already, but I thought if we could be lifelong friends, that would be fine too, so I continued the relationship. But the more we meet, the more my emotions go up and down like a rollercoaster with repeated expectations and disappointments. While dating me, his self-esteem improved, his work went well, and he succeeded in financial investments. Meanwhile, I’ve been anxious wondering ‘Does he really like me? Has he found another woman?’ and couldn’t properly manage my investments, resulting in significant losses. When we first met, we were both salaried employees with little economic difference, but now there’s a big gap. When I hear news of his success, I feel anxiety, jealousy, and depression before I can feel happy for him. Two weeks ago, during a date, he got irritated when I made a mistake, and my self-esteem hit rock bottom. Currently, I’ve cut off contact and am not responding to him. Though I think about meeting other people and focusing on self-development, I keep thinking about him and remain miserable. What should I do?”

“In this relationship, you are in the subordinate position. Recognizing this, all you can do is cling to him with tears. You can plead ‘I can’t live without you,’ and if he kicks you away, you’ll have to accept being rejected. If you’re prepared for that, it’s okay to cling to him, but if you want to maintain your self-respect and live a reasonably smooth life in the long run, it’s better to end this relationship. This relationship cannot bring you happiness now. It has already become too unbalanced. He has the freedom to meet whoever he wants, but you’re becoming jealous and making it an issue. If these feelings intensify, they could lead to stalking or hatred, and ultimately risk destroying your life. From an outsider’s perspective, the wisest choice would be to say ‘goodbye’ and end the relationship at this point. Alternatively, if you prefer to cling to his pant leg for a few more years and then get rejected, that’s fine too. If you beg and plead and still get rejected, your heart might actually feel cleaner and more resolved. If you give your best effort and still get rejected, you can think, ‘Fine, I don’t like someone like you either,’ and move on without lingering attachment. Life isn’t that complicated. It’s a matter of what choice you’ll make. You’re already in an unequal relationship. You didn’t create this situation – you put yourself in it. In today’s world, especially in romantic relationships, this kind of dynamic isn’t very healthy. Since you’re currently unable to control your emotions, it’s better to cut off the relationship completely. If you can’t do that, then you need to throw away all your pride and desperately cling to him. You must be prepared to become completely subordinate, making no demands and following his lead. If you’re willing to be a slave by choice, that’s fine too. Ultimately, you need to quickly choose one of these two options. The longer you delay, the more time you waste.”

“Actually, I’ve thought that I would be fine without getting married, but since this person is my ideal type, I’m conflicted.”

“When someone feels like your ideal type, there’s a high probability they’ll be poison to you. Such relationships often become a great source of suffering throughout your life. Not because the person is bad, but because the relationship is already unbalanced. If you could see just a little bit into the future, you would know this will ultimately cause you pain.”

“When we’re together, we communicate well, share hobbies and interests, and he’s very helpful to me. He doesn’t boss me around or disrespect me, but because I like him so much, it’s difficult to control my feelings.”

“You must decide either to become his slave or to end the relationship. I don’t mean he’s a bad person, but from your perspective, this relationship is more than you can handle. In today’s world, if someone asks ‘What kind of relationship do we have?’ even I would find it annoying and unpleasant. (Laughs) People can continue meeting if they like each other, or they can meet others if they don’t. But asking to define the relationship feels like a sticky situation to the other person, like gum stuck to their shoe. It’s an approach that won’t help your life either.”

“You’re right. After I asked that question, our relationship got worse. If I meet someone else, won’t the same pattern repeat?”

“If you don’t meet a man who completely captivates you, it won’t be as bad. It’s when you meet someone who feels like ‘exactly the right person’ that you become vulnerable.”

“Should I avoid meeting such men?”

“You can meet such men, but you must be prepared to take poison and die. (Laughs) Don’t calculate losses and gains – just declare ‘You are my king’ and become his slave. If he’s the man you’ve chosen, you can either boldly proceed with the mindset that you’re willing to be his slave, or you can end the relationship – you must choose one of these two options. Right now, you’re probably unable to do either and are just wasting time. Only after getting deeply hurt will you remember what I’ve said. When you are so blinded like this, my words fall on deaf ears. Feeling ‘this is exactly the right person’ is the most dangerous emotion. It removes your ability to see things objectively, leading you to make the most dangerous choices in life. When caught in such emotions, you must either volunteer to be a slave or end the relationship – you need to reach one of these two conclusions.”

“Yes, I understand.”

The questions continued:

At Jungto Society events, we’re encouraged to carpool to save energy, but I find it inconvenient to always give rides to others. What perspective should I have?

I worry about how my child with disabilities will navigate this difficult world full of incidents and accidents.

I thought my girlfriend and I were truly in love, but I’ve come to realize our relationship has been more of a quid pro quo arrangement. Is it possible to build a strong, healthy marriage with this kind of transactional mindset?

Witnessing my father’s death has given me a fear of aging and dying. I’m receiving psychiatric treatment. How can I overcome these current difficulties?

I work as a drama writer, and when the company’s desired direction differs from mine, what perspective should I maintain in my work?

More people had raised their hands wanting to ask questions, but it was time to conclude. Though regrettable, the session ended at 12 PM.

After having lunch with the attendees in the dining hall on the first basement level, Sunim met with visitors who came to The Peace Foundation in the afternoon.

At 2 PM, Reverend Lee Hae-hak, who founded Seongnam Community Church and has dedicated his life to working with the poor and laborers, visited Sunim with his associates. They were able to discuss many current social and political issues.

At 7 o’clock in the evening, Seong-jin Lee and her sister, who are devout Buddhists from San Francisco, paid a visit to Sunim. He has often stayed at their home when visiting San Francisco, and they took the opportunity to see him during their trip to Korea. They exchanged warm greetings, had tea together, and took commemorative photos.

As the sun set, at 7:30 PM, Sunim continued with another Friday Dharma Q&A session in the main hall on the basement level. Many people came to the Jungto Social and Cultural Center to attend. They registered on-site or submitted question requests before heading to the basement hall with light steps.

About 5,800 people connected to the YouTube stream, and around 170 people attended in person. The Friday Dharma Q&A began with a performance by singer Nan Ajin, who is active in Gilbeot. She performed lively songs expressing her wish that everyone in the world could dance joyfully.

After reciting the Three Refuges and Words for Practice, Sunim took the stage.

During the hour and a half session, nine people raised their hands to speak with Sunim. One person asked for advice about her husband who had been unfaithful but was now apologizing and asking to start over.

My Husband Had an Affair With a Married Woman, Should I Trust Him When He Says He Wants to Make Things Work?

“I’m suffering terribly because of my husband’s infidelity. My husband always pretended to be a proper person, so I, being naive, completely believed him when he said he was ‘coming home late because of company dinners.’ But as it turns out, my husband has been having inappropriate relationships with multiple women for a long time. One of them was a married woman who recently got divorced with the intention of remarrying my husband. When I found out, I cried and begged my husband. He responded by saying, ‘If you treat me well from now on, I’ll end my relationship with that woman and be devoted only to our family.’ I ended up forgiving him after just a week and treated him well. However, it was discovered that he was secretly calling and texting that woman again, which led me to decide on divorce. Suddenly, my husband completely surrendered. He offered to transfer all his bank accounts to me and said he would only take an allowance, begging for one more chance. What should I do?”

“Just stay with him.”

“But he told so many lies.”

“Assume he will continue to lie in the future and live with that understanding.”

“That’s too painful. I’m afraid I might get sick if I continue living with him.”

“It’s been difficult living with this man until now, but how much more troublesome and difficult would it be to meet someone new and live with them?”

“I have no intention of meeting someone new.”

“Are you really sure about that? Things don’t work out as planned in today’s world. Can you manage financially without a man?”

“No, there would be problems. I think I’ll need to get a job.”

“Then go out and try working. You’ll only understand once you face reality, but practically speaking, living with a cheating husband might actually be better. If you keep confronting and arguing, you’ll become upset and might even get sick, but if you just let it be, it’s not so bad. I’m saying this not because it’s okay for men to cheat. I mean that you’re not currently in a position to divorce and live independently. If you divorce in this state, you’ll regret it later. Since your husband has promised not to do it again, give him one more chance for now. You should scare him by saying, ‘Don’t ever do this again!’ You’ve already received his bank accounts, so keep them. Don’t worry about ‘What if he lies again?’ He will lie again. If you confront him every time, you’ll eventually have to separate. Your husband is very likely to lie again. That doesn’t mean you should say ‘It’s okay to lie.’ Just tell him once, ‘If you do this again, I’ll divorce you!’ If it happens again, pretend not to notice and move on. If you react to everything, you’ll suffer much more.

You’ve already forgiven your husband several times, and now you’re even coming to me with these questions. This means you don’t have the confidence to live alone. Someone with clear life principles wouldn’t curse their husband or feel the need to fight. They would simply say, “You like that woman? Then go. I’ll go my own way,” and immediately end the relationship. Such a person wouldn’t come to me with this problem. The reason these thoughts keep circling in your mind—”Is he telling the truth this time? Is he lying?”—is because you still have lingering attachments. You threatened divorce out of pride, but when your husband backed down, your resolve wavered. You’re worried about being deceived again and afraid of repeating the pain. So for now, just settle it at this point. Say only one thing: “Fine, don’t ever do it again!” and move on. You’ve already received the bank account, which is good. Secure all the money, and handle this wisely. Pressing the issue too much will only hurt you more. Do you think your husband’s behavior will change easily? It won’t. You might think, “Is Sunim taking my husband’s side because he’s a man too?” But whether it’s a man or a woman, repetitive behavior happens for a reason. Whether it’s sexual desire or psychological insecurity, there’s always some reason behind these recurring patterns. So take another look at your husband. Consider why he keeps seeking other women, whether there’s something you’re not providing, or if there’s something lacking in your relationship. If he continues this behavior without any reason, it might be a pathological issue. If your husband is fundamentally a bad person, then forgiveness is no longer appropriate. In such cases, you should cut ties decisively. But if that’s not the case, you need to find a solution—whether it’s understanding him better or getting him treatment. Do you have children?”

“I have two daughters. My first daughter is an adult, and my second daughter is a high school senior.”

“Then please forgive him for now. Wait until your daughter goes to college, and you can make a decision then. It won’t be too late.”

“Thank you.”

“In your current state, would you feel more at ease if I said, ‘Just forgive him,’ or if I said, ‘Divorce him right away’? Logically, you might think divorce is the answer, but in your heart, you’d probably feel more relieved if I told you to forgive him. So for now, it’s better to let this incident pass. When someone apologizes and admits their mistake, it’s good to forgive them. If you push too hard in that moment, it can backfire. Of course, you don’t need to believe they’ll never do it again. They might, or they might not. If they make another mistake, you can confront them then. Your children are grown now, and starting over with someone new isn’t easy either. If you rush into divorce, the loneliness and discomfort of your new reality might hit you harder than you expect. If your husband had made mistakes and remained arrogant about it, there would be no reason to forgive him. But right now, he’s being humble, apologizing, and even offering to hand over his bank account. In such cases, it’s better to forgive once. If you’re really thinking of leaving your husband, take the bank account, secure your interests, and then observe a bit longer before making a decision. If you just get angry and kick him out, you’ll only hurt yourself. When someone asks for forgiveness, being wise enough to give them another chance is the prudent path.”

“Thank you. I understand.”

The questions continued. Today, Sunim took more questions than usual, up to nine. The ninth and final questioner was someone facing cancer surgery.

**
I Have Cancer But I Keep Smiling… Am I Strange? **

“Since coming to Jungto Society, I’ve realized that I’ve actually lived quite a healthy life. However, my husband always treated me as if I deserved to be criticized. When you, a sunim I had never met before, told me ‘You’ve lived well,’ those words deeply moved me. With that strength, I made a vow to bring my spouse to the Dharma, and finally that wish has been fulfilled as my husband has enrolled in the Jungto Dharma School. But in the process, I’ve lost my health and now face cancer surgery. Even though I have cancer, I find myself smiling. I’m not sad at all. I’m confused whether I’m okay or if there’s something wrong with me.”

“Okay? What’s okay about it? You’re a bit lacking.” (laughter)

“It’s early-stage stomach cancer, but people around me are very worried because the word ‘cancer’ sounds serious.”

“Don’t even mention that these days. That level isn’t even considered real cancer. With early-stage stomach cancer, a simple surgery solves the problem with no issues for your life. That’s why you’re smiling now. It’s nothing serious.”

“But people around me look at me with such pity. Even someone who hasn’t shared a meal with me for nine years is asking to have dinner together. That actually makes me uncomfortable.”

“If they invite you for a meal, go eat with them. They want to treat you. You can use your cancer situation as a means to spread the Dharma. Pretend to be sick and say something like: ‘This might be my last wish, but would you enroll in the Jungto Dharma School?’ (everyone laughs)

With just that one line, you could get about ten people to enroll in the Jungto Dharma School. Buddha’s Birthday is approaching, and it’s not just Buddhists who light lanterns. There’s a cultural aspect where even non-Buddhists might think, ‘Should I light a lantern?’ Beyond the belief that lighting lanterns brings good fortune, you can borrow this cultural practice to encourage those around you to light a lantern. Things that might normally be rejected due to religious resistance can be much more naturally accepted when approached culturally. If you collect even 10,000 or 20,000 won and send it to earthquake-affected areas, wouldn’t that be wonderful? This way, even if it’s not visible, you’re accumulating merit invisibly. Just as people donate to the Salvation Army kettles during Christmas even if they don’t attend church—hearing the bell makes them think ‘It’s the end of the year’ and naturally give—your cancer situation is also a connection. Use that connection subtly. ‘Do you really want me to get better? If you enroll in the Jungto Dharma School, I feel like I’ll recover quickly.’ This is how you create opportunities for spreading the Dharma. In the Vimalakirti Sutra, the layman Vimalakirti used his illness as a pretext to teach the Dharma to those who came to visit him. You can do the same.”

“Thank you. I understand.”

By the time the conversations ended, it was past 9 PM. Sunim concluded the talk with the Four Great Vows, promising to meet again at the same time next week.

Tomorrow will be the 62nd day of the 100-Day Dharma Talk. In the morning, there will be a 1080 prostration practice at the Dharma Hall on the 3rd floor of the Jungto Social and Cultural Center. In the afternoon, students from the Jungto Dharma School’s offline, online, and basic courses will gather at the Jihi Grand Hall for a Dharma Q&A session.”