My Husband Complains That I Speak Too Harshly, What Should I Do?

Hello. Today, Sunim traveled to Delhi with the pilgrims to visit the National Museum of Delhi. He conducted the Friday Dharma Q&A broadcast and gave a lecture for Korean residents at the Korean Cultural Center. Afterwards, he had dinner with the Ambassador and consuls at the Embassy of the Republic of Korea in India.

At 3:50 AM, Sunim and the pilgrimage group departed from Sankasia for Delhi. After boarding the bus, they performed their morning practice and meditation before falling into a deep sleep. After about a 6-hour drive, they arrived at a rest stop near Delhi at 9 AM. At the rest stop, they had their last meal together with the group members who had shared joys and sorrows throughout the pilgrimage.

After breakfast, they traveled for about an hour more and arrived at the National Museum of Delhi at 11:30 AM. The pilgrimage group was divided into advance and rear parties to tour the museum. Sunim began guiding those who arrived first at the museum entrance.

“This is the National Museum of Delhi. In India, there are two museums with many artifacts: the Indian Museum in Calcutta and this National Museum in Delhi. There are more Buddha statues in the Calcutta Museum. This is probably because the Buddha statues excavated during British colonial rule were kept in Calcutta. The National Museum of Delhi, as it comprehensively covers Indian culture, features more Hindu deity statues than Buddha statues.”

Sunim continued explaining about the exhibits.

“Inside the museum, there are Buddhist artifacts from the Indus Valley Civilization, Maurya Dynasty, Kushan Dynasty, and Gupta Dynasty. Following these, you can see Hindu deity statues, ivory artifacts, and traditional Rajasthani paintings. Behind the painting exhibition hall, there are artifacts from the British colonial period and the Mughal Empire, followed by exhibits on the history of Indian coins and scripts, and textile displays. What we should particularly note is that the Buddha’s relics discovered in Piprahwa and the genuine relic stupa are displayed here, allowing us to pay our respects.”

Sunim explained while touching on India’s history and culture.

“India is a peninsula surrounded by the Arabian Sea and Thar Desert to the west, the Bay of Bengal and Arakan Mountains to the east, the Indian Ocean to the south, and the Himalayan and Hindu Kush mountains to the north. Thanks to these geographical features, it was able to develop its unique civilization while being isolated from the rest of the world. Indians believed themselves to be the center of the world. In the past, each civilization commonly held the belief that they were the center of the world. The same goes for South Korea. The ‘Han’ in Korea means ‘great’. We call our country Hanguk, but foreigners call it ‘Korea’, a name derived from Goryeo. India is similar. While the world calls it ‘India’, Indians call their country ‘Bharat’, which also means ‘great’. The Indian subcontinent has great diversity in terms of race and language. Originally, the main ethnic group in this region was the Dravidian people of the black race, but with the southward migration of the Aryan people of the white race from the north, the Indo-European language family was formed. Mongoloid people are mainly distributed in the Tibet-Myanmar border region. Due to this diversity of races and languages, even now, completely different languages are often used in each region.”

Sunim also explained that there could be misunderstandings in perceiving India as a single country.

“Viewing India as a single country is as mistaken as viewing Europe as one country. Just as there are various countries within Europe, India too consists of numerous regions and cultures.”

Sunim explained the historical flow of India from the Maurya Dynasty to the Gupta Dynasty and the Mughal Empire, and also touched on the intersection of Buddhism and Hinduism.

“During the Maurya Dynasty, King Ashoka unified most of the Indian peninsula and adopted Buddhism as the central ideology. As it transitioned to the Gupta Dynasty era, Hinduism flourished and became reestablished as the central ideology of India. During the Gupta period, caste and gender discrimination were strengthened, even leading to the prohibition of women’s ordination.”

Finally, he added some points to be cautious about.

“The reason we came here is not to study Indian culture. We came to see the Buddha statues from the Indus Valley Civilization, Maurya period, Kushan period, Gupta period, and the genuine relic stupa that we couldn’t see in Piprahwa. Feel free to look around, but don’t break away from the group while taking photos. I’ll give you free time later. Since we have a large group, let’s move in a single file and be careful not to inconvenience other visitors.”

After finishing the explanation, they entered the museum and slowly looked around the artifacts. During the tour, Sunim added brief explanations in front of some exhibits.

“Do you see how the left knee is slightly bent? This sculpture depicts the Buddha walking. It represents the Buddha in action, practicing. By the way, we tried to model the Buddha statue at the entrance of our Jungto Social and Cultural Center after this work. However, we couldn’t properly express the bent knee, so it ended up looking a bit stubby.” (laughter)

In front of the genuine relics, everyone paid their respects together by performing three bows.

“These are the genuine relics discovered in Piprahwa.”

After giving two museum tours, Sunim bid farewell to the pilgrimage group and moved to the Korean Cultural Center to broadcast the Friday Dharma Q&A at 3 PM.

Upon arriving at the Korean Cultural Center at 3:30 PM, the director and several staff members warmly welcomed Sunim at the entrance.

“How have you been?”

“Hello, welcome. Please come in.”

Before preparing for the broadcast, Sunim had a brief tea conversation with the director, discussing the changes and developments in India.

“I visit India every year for pilgrimage, and I feel significant changes each time. It’s impressive to see the holy sites being gradually improved.”

“Yes, the pace of development in India feels incredibly fast these days. During the COVID-19 pandemic, it seemed like the whole world had stopped, but now international exchanges are actively taking place again.”

Sunim presented a book to the director as a token of gratitude before heading to the broadcast location.

At 4 PM Indian time (7:30 PM Korean time), the Friday Dharma Q&A live broadcast began. Sunim conversed with four people who had submitted questions in advance. One of them had been taking medication for obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) for ten years and asked Sunim for advice on how to manage their mind, as their symptoms become unbearable when stressed.

When OCD Worsens, It’s Unbearable

“I’ve been taking medication for OCD for 10 years, which allows me to function in daily life. However, when I’m stressed or something bad happens, I can’t do anything, and my OCD becomes severe. It affects those around me, and above all, it’s incredibly difficult for me to endure. I’m wondering how I can comfort myself during these challenging times.”

“Let’s say you had injured your leg and it was in a cast. But you really want to run. What should you do in that situation?”

“Um… I’m not sure.”

“If someone with a leg in a cast really wants to run but can’t, there’s no solution in this situation. Do you think asking me, Pomnyun Sunim, will provide an answer? Do you think praying to Buddha will give you a solution? In this situation, first, you need to wait until the bone heals. You shouldn’t feel frustrated about wanting to run but not being able to. You have to wait until you’re healed. If you had OCD but weren’t aware of it, I would have first advised you to go to the hospital for a checkup. If the hospital diagnosed you with OCD after the examination, they would have told you to take medication. But you’re already going to the hospital and taking medication for your OCD. It seems like you’re saying, ‘I want to live a normal life now,’ ‘I want to live like ordinary people,’ but there’s no such method available. If you’ve injured your leg, you have to use crutches or a wheelchair, even if it’s inconvenient. You have to accept the discomfort. You should think, ‘It’s a bit inconvenient, but it’s better than having both legs broken. It’s better than dying.’ This is the perspective you need to have. You’re currently going to the hospital and receiving treatment from a specialist. Do you think I suddenly have a way to cure something that hasn’t been cured despite that?

The main point of what I’m saying is that you need to accept this situation. Compared to healthy people, you have some difficulties. It’s hard for you to work and live like others in daily life. However, compared to people with more severe illnesses or disabilities, you can eat on your own and manage some daily activities. This is already quite good. I understand your desire to be free of illness, but the current reality doesn’t allow for that. If you had a broken leg, you could receive treatment and expect a full recovery over time, but with obsessive-compulsive disorder, there’s no guarantee of a complete cure even with treatment. We still don’t have precise treatments for mental illnesses. The current treatments in psychiatry aim to stop the worsening of symptoms and enable minimal daily functioning. Emergency treatment is possible, but we haven’t yet discovered a method for complete recovery. So, it’s necessary to accept this reality. The way to accept reality is to cultivate gratitude for your current condition. Think, ‘Although I can’t live like a healthy person, I’m fortunate to be able to manage some daily activities,’ or ‘Compared to those with disabilities or more severe illnesses, I’m grateful that I can manage some daily life.’ You need to cultivate such grateful thoughts. If you’re a Buddhist, think ‘Thank you, Buddha,’ or if you’re a Christian, ‘Thank you, God.’ Constantly maintaining a grateful mindset is a treatment method for alleviating OCD. If you try to live like healthy people, your symptoms might worsen. Having thoughts like ‘I’m fortunate to be this way’ or ‘How wonderful it is that I can manage some daily activities!’ can help in treating OCD. Based on my counseling experience and various observations, I can suggest the following: First, you should exercise more, especially walking. Bowing exercises are also good. Second, when working, avoid mental tasks that require completing something within a short time. It’s better to do work that doesn’t have time constraints and allows you to work at your own pace. Third, always maintain a grateful mindset. Think, ‘I’m fortunate to be this way. Thank you.’ This approach will lead to gradual improvement.”

“Listening to your words, Sunim, I feel much more at ease. I asked this question thinking I needed to completely cure my OCD, but you’ve made me realize that such thinking can make it worse.”

“Yes, thank you for listening. Being greedy can worsen OCD. The more you cultivate grateful thoughts like ‘I’m fortunate to be this way,’ ‘I’m grateful I can walk,’ ‘I’m thankful I can manage daily life,’ the more your symptoms will alleviate. Physically, exercising a lot helps. Especially lower body exercises are beneficial. Walking a lot and doing bowing exercises are good. If you need to have a job, it’s better to avoid work that’s time-pressured or subject to others’ evaluations. It’s good to do work that you can do at your own pace when you have time. Have the mindset of ‘It’s okay if the income is low. I’ll live with less food and clothing.’ When studying, it’s fine to study out of curiosity, but avoid exam-oriented studying. That can make you anxious and worsen your condition. Try this approach and see how it goes.”

“Thank you. I understand well.”

During the broadcast, Sunim’s voice suddenly became hoarse, but he finished the conversations with four questioners. After soothing himself with a warm cup of ginger tea provided by the director of the cultural center, he immediately proceeded to conduct a Dharma assembly with the Indian community in the basement hall of the cultural center at 5:30 PM. Sunim began with opening remarks.

“For the past fortnight, I’ve been on a pilgrimage to sacred sites in India with 400 people. What I’ve learned this time is that India changes every year. The road conditions are improving, reducing travel times annually. During the pilgrimage, we stayed in foreign pilgrim accommodations, and the facilities have improved significantly. In the past, we couldn’t even find hot water, but now some places have solar-powered hot water systems. Previously, crossing the Nepal-India border usually took 6 hours, but this time we crossed in just 3 hours. Living in Delhi, you might think this is how India has always been, but about 30 years ago, it was really poor. Back then, only Delhi and Mumbai were developing, and we wondered when the rural areas would develop. Now, changes are happening in rural areas too. The pilgrimage sites are also well-maintained now. It seems that India’s rapid economic growth is now visibly apparent even in rural areas. Currently, India is one of the few countries in the world experiencing consistent growth. Those of you who have come here to do business in such a rapidly growing country seem to have good foresight.” (Laughter)

Following this, anyone could raise their hand and ask Sunim questions. The questions kept coming, and one person expressed concern about her husband’s complaints about her speaking harshly, worrying that conflicts might worsen after retirement when they spend more time together, and sought Sunim’s advice.

My Husband Complains That I Speak Harshly, What Should I Do?

“I have a husband who is about to retire. Until now, my husband didn’t have many complaints about me, but as I’m getting older, he says I speak to him more harshly. He says I’m speaking in a way that’s uncomfortable for him to hear. When he retires, we’ll have more time together, but honestly, I’m not confident I can change the way of speaking that my husband finds unpleasant. When I was younger, I might have been more patient and spoken more nicely, but as I’ve gotten older, I seem to be less patient and express myself more freely. As we spend more time together, this is likely to happen more frequently, and if my husband isn’t working and I speak harshly, he’ll feel hurt, won’t he? In this situation, what mindset should I have so that my husband is less dissatisfied and I’m less dissatisfied too?”

“The answer is already in your question. You’ve already said, ‘If I speak harshly, my husband will feel more hurt when he’s resting at home than when he was working.’ So, just don’t make him feel hurt.”

“But then I’ll feel wronged.”

“What do you feel wronged about?”

“As I get older and live with my husband, stress builds up.”

“If you’re stressed, you should say, ‘This is stressing me out.’ Why speak harshly? The reason for speaking harshly is because you’ve been holding it in. When people get angry, they usually don’t get angry right away, but after holding it in about three times. They say things like, ‘Not once, not twice, but I’ve had enough!’ and get angry. That’s why you shouldn’t hold it in. When I say don’t hold it in, I don’t mean get angry right away, but if you feel bad, say something like, ‘When you say that, it makes me feel bad.’ Don’t suppress your feelings, but express them lightly. Don’t say, ‘It’s because you did something wrong that I’m like this,’ but rather, ‘When you say that, it makes me feel this way.’ Try expressing it like this. If someone were to say to me, ‘Sunim, when you give Dharma talks like that, it makes me feel bad!’ that puts the responsibility on me. But if they say, ‘When you spoke like that today, Sunim, it made me feel uncomfortable,’ this isn’t shifting blame to the other person. If they express it that way, even I would think, ‘I should be more mindful next time.’ You need to practice expressing your feelings lightly without shifting blame to the other person. It’s because you’ve been holding it in that your words come out harshly. If you don’t hold it in, there’s no reason for your words to be harsh. Also, harsh speech might be due to the Gyeongsang-do dialect. Where are you from?”

“Busan.”

“Where is your husband from?”

“Busan.”

“Why are you two from Gyeongsang-do having this issue? Anyway, Gyeongsang-do speech tends to be a bit harsh. First, don’t hold it in, express your feelings. Don’t criticize or blame the other person, but practice expressing your feelings a bit humorously. Instead of saying, ‘Why are you home so late!’ try saying something like, ‘When you come home late, it makes me feel a bit disappointed. I must have really missed you.’ Try saying it with some aegyo (cute charm). Especially men from Gyeongsang-do have trouble expressing their feelings. Gyeongsang-do men find it uncomfortable to say things like ‘Honey, I love you.’ While you might understand if your partner can’t express themselves well, you should practice expressing yourself lightly and humorously. Second, it’s important to understand the psychology of retired men. When men are working, they think, ‘I’m earning money, so my wife should serve me.’ That’s why they say things like, ‘Give me food,’ ‘Bring me the newspaper.’ This becomes a habit over 30 years, so even after retirement, they automatically say things like, ‘Honey, make me a cup of coffee.’ But from the wife’s perspective, hearing this doesn’t feel good. She thinks, ‘Don’t you have hands and feet?’ While the wife might have tolerated it when the husband was working and earning money, now that he’s not going to work and doing nothing at home but still ordering her around, she thinks, ‘Am I a slave? Am I still an errand girl in my sixties?’ This makes her feel bad. After holding it in a few times, she might say, ‘Get it yourself.’ If the husband thinks, ‘You’re right! I’m not working now,’ that would be good, but instead, he might think, ‘I’m already feeling down after retirement, and now even my wife is disrespecting me,’ and feel resentful. That’s how big fights start. If a husband asked me the same question, I would have answered like this: ‘The day after you retire, first thing in the morning, put on an apron and go into the kitchen. If your wife says, ‘Honey, what are you doing?’ say, ‘For 30 years, I’ve been eating the meals you prepared. I actually wanted to help, but I couldn’t because I was working. I’m sorry. Now I’ll cook and clean. You rest.’ If you humble yourself like this, you won’t get divorced in your old age. Don’t wander around trying to earn small amounts of money. Serve in the kitchen for three years, and then look for a job again if you want.’ I give such strong advice to men facing retirement. That’s how men can start living well with their wives again, like newlyweds.

What should a woman do? When her husband retires, she should understand his feelings of diminished self-worth and treat him more gently than when he was working, providing better care. However, this is often difficult in reality. It’s easy to think, “He’s not even working, yet he’s always nagging at home.” This makes the husband feel disrespected, and most often, he acts out. Thinking, “I’ll show you,” he might invest in stocks or start a business. He develops a desire to make a fortune and say, “This is who I am. Don’t look down on me.” So when someone tempts him with an offer like, “If you invest 200,000 dollars, I’ll give you a CEO position,” he might impulsively invest in a failing company without even consulting his wife. Therefore, when the husband wants to do something, the wife should say: “Honey, you’ve worked hard for 30 years, so take about 3 years to rest. If we don’t have money, we can live on ramen. Let’s rest a bit and think things through slowly.” By constantly offering comfort and encouragement like this, the husband can overcome the slump he experiences after retirement. Of course, if you think, “He hasn’t behaved well enough in the past to deserve such treatment,” it can’t be helped. If you’re a man, you should put on an apron and enter the kitchen. If you’re a woman, you should say, “You’ve worked hard for 30 years, so take 3 years to rest fully.” This is how you should consider each other. The wife needs to reassure her husband not to worry about money, so he doesn’t feel rushed. Then you’re in a hurry, you always make mistakes. It’s very easy to fall for scams. The wife needs to keep him in check a little. This way, their relationship can improve after retirement. Don’t think, “How can I live with him behaving like this in the same house?”

“Yes, thank you.”

In a lively atmosphere, Sunim engaged in dialogue with six people. Although it went longer than the scheduled time, Sunim answered each question thoughtfully, spending a meaningful time with the expatriates.

After the lecture, Sunim took a commemorative photo with the attendees and then hurriedly departed for the Korean Embassy in India at 7:40 PM. This was because the newly appointed ambassador had invited him for dinner. Arriving at the embassy after 8 PM, the ambassador and consuls greeted Sunim at the entrance.

“Sunim, thank you for coming from so far away.”

“Thank you for inviting me. I’m sorry I’m late; the expatriate lecture in Delhi ran a bit long.”

“Not at all. You probably haven’t had anything since lunch, so let’s start with dinner first.”

During dinner, Sunim and the ambassador engaged in an in-depth conversation about India’s history, civilization, international exchanges, and pace of development.

The ambassador and consuls showed great interest in Sunim’s overseas activities, and various stories were shared about Sujata Academy, the establishment of schools in Syria, and sustainable development cases in Bhutan. One consul shared his experience of visiting Sujata Academy last year.

“Sunim, I visited Sujata Academy last year, and it was truly moving. Seeing it in person was completely different from just hearing about it. I could vividly feel not only the children’s presence but also the positive impact on the villagers and the village itself. I strongly recommend that the ambassador visit as well.”

In response, Sunim brought up the topic of the Korean Wave.

“These days, the Korean Wave is receiving great attention worldwide, and Korean culture is loved by many people. Thanks to this, our national prestige has also risen. However, Korean Wave culture, such as K-pop and Korean dramas, still has a strong consumer-oriented character. Watching Korean dramas and imitating Koreans, or admiring idols and enjoying the culture, ultimately focuses on consumption. I think our culture now needs to evolve beyond consumption to become a productive culture. Moving towards a culture of helping those in need and sharing what we have should be the new direction that the Korean Wave pursues.”

As the conversation continued past 10:30 PM, the ambassador said:

“I heard that you finished your pilgrimage today, Sunim. You must be tired. Thank you for staying with us until this late hour.”

After taking a commemorative photo with the ambassador and his wife, Sunim returned to his lodging at 11:30 PM. Upon returning, Sunim proofread his manuscript before concluding the day.

Tomorrow, he plans to move back to Sankasia to conduct training with the Shakya clan.