My Close Friend Became My Boss at Work and I’m Struggling

Hello. It’s the fifth day of the India pilgrimage. Today, Sunim conducted the Weekly Dharma Assembly broadcast early in the morning, attended the Sujata Academy anniversary ceremony in the morning, had a conversation with Mahathero Bhikkhu, the abbot of Sarnath Mahabodhi Society who visited in the afternoon, held a general meeting with the pilgrimage staff, and conducted a Dharma Q&A with the pilgrimage group in the evening.

At 6:30 AM, Sunim started the live broadcast of the Weekly Dharma Assembly. It was 10 AM Korean time. As all the Jungto Society members entered the video conference room, Sunim greeted them warmly.

“It’s already mid-January in the new year of 2025. The days seem to be passing by quickly. I’m currently meeting with you from Sujata Academy during the India pilgrimage. Until last year, it felt like our prayers for peace and unification on the Korean Peninsula were meaningless, and we wondered, ‘Should we give up hope for peace and unification on the Korean Peninsula?’ But suddenly, a self-centered leader made a misstep, opening up possibilities for peace and unification. Of course, there’s no change yet. But in the new year, I hope that dialogue between South and North Korea will resume, allowing us to play a role in helping the North Korean people in their difficulties. And I hope that exchanges and cooperation between the two Koreas will increase, giving us hope for unification. No matter how difficult it may be, always remember that as practitioners, we must never lose the thread of hope and continue to practice diligently.”

After that, they looked at photos of the pilgrimage group’s visits to Varanasi, Bodhgaya, and Vulture Peak over the past three days. After sharing detailed news about the pilgrimage, Sunim began the Dharma Q&A.

Four people had signed up in advance to ask questions and have a conversation with Sunim. One of them sought Sunim’s advice on how to overcome the discomfort of having a friend promoted to become his boss at work.

My Close Friend Became My Boss at Work and I’m Struggling

“There was an organizational restructuring at my company last December. Our team, which hadn’t seen any changes for the past four years, had our team leader promoted, and a member from another team was appointed as the new team leader. However, the new team leader is a close friend of mine. This makes me feel complicated and distressed for two reasons. First, I feel very disappointed that after working closely with the previous team leader for nearly four years, someone from another team was chosen as the successor instead of me or my teammates. Second, the new team leader is my friend. Having to serve my friend as a superior creates an uncomfortable situation. It’s difficult for me to acknowledge my friend as a boss. Every time the new team leader talks about work, I feel uncomfortable. Because my friend is now my superior, I feel like my personal growth has stagnated, and I’m worried that my chances of being recognized are somewhat limited. I’m wondering if I should leave this team, but what should I do?”

“As an employee, I fully understand how you feel. This is why in the past, in organizations that placed great importance on hierarchy, such as the police or prosecutors’ office, when there was a personnel change and someone from a certain class became the chief, everyone above that class was forced to retire. This was because when a junior becomes a superior in the workplace, seniors, like you, feel uncomfortable and can’t treat them as a boss. So they created an environment where the new leader could work smoothly with people junior to them. However, as society has changed to ensure equality, now juniors can become superiors without seniors or those of the same class having to retire. Instead, they might move the person to a slightly less central role, like the principal of the police academy or the head of a training institute – positions that are high in rank but not in the direct line of command. But the general company you work for isn’t a place that emphasizes such hierarchy, right? Did you see when Trump was elected president in the United States and he appointed a Secretary of Defense? He appointed someone who was only a major in the military as the Secretary of Defense. Even in a free society like America, such an appointment is a bit hard to accept. But they did it anyway. It would have been okay if he was at least older, but he was said to be in his 40s. It would have been somewhat acceptable if he had been working in the military continuously, but they appointed someone who had been hosting a TV program. Not just this, but haven’t there been many unconventional personnel appointments in Korean society recently too? In the past, they respected the order of age and seniority, but nowadays, the overall social trend is moving towards a system that evaluates and promotes based solely on ability and performance, destroying the seniority system. Of course, it would have been best for you if the existing team leader had recommended you as the team leader, but things in this world don’t always go as we want, do they? Moreover, the existing team leader probably didn’t make the promotion decision alone. They might have made a recommendation, but from the perspective of the existing team leader or the company as a whole, your friend had to become the team leader. In such situations, people like you who value seniority would feel bad and resign – that’s how society has been until now. But in the future, society will generally trend towards a position system that is unrelated to experience or age. So I think you need to adapt to this social change as well. Although you might feel disappointed about not becoming the team leader, isn’t it actually better that your friend became the team leader rather than someone you don’t know from another department? Firstly, you need to have an attitude of being happy for your friend’s promotion. Secondly, because your friend has been promoted and come to your department as a team leader, you need to maintain the hierarchical order. While you may be friends personally, you need to treat him as a team leader in the department. Constantly thinking of the department’s team leader as a friend doesn’t align with the Buddha’s teaching of dependent origination. If I, as a monk, go to my hometown and ask my father to bow to me, it wouldn’t be right. Conversely, if my father comes to the temple and I bow to him out of respect, that wouldn’t be right either. Although he’s my father, when he comes to the temple, he becomes a devotee and should bow to the monk. I may be a monk at the temple, but when I go home, I’m a son and should bow to my father. Relationships should be formed according to the circumstances. Similarly, you might treat your friend as a friend when you’re out drinking, but when you come to work, you should treat them as a superior – that’s in line with dependent origination. Our lives are formed and dissolved according to circumstances like this. If you weren’t a practitioner, you might resign because you feel bad. But you’re a practitioner who understands dependent origination, aren’t you? As a practitioner, you shouldn’t be bound by whether your friend or junior becomes the team leader. You should follow the circumstances, maintaining the workplace hierarchy at work, and treating them as a friend in private settings. When I go to my hometown and meet my friends, I should put aside being a monk and treat them as friends. Conversely, even if they’re friends, when they come to the temple, they should treat the monk respectfully as devotees. Following dependent origination means that when I take a taxi, I become a passenger; when I go to school, I become a parent; when I go to a store, I become a customer. A practitioner who understands dependent origination should treat anyone who becomes their superior as a superior within the company. Outside the company, when having tea, you can treat them as a friend. It would be good if you could have this perspective. I understand that you feel disappointed about not becoming the team leader. But we need to understand that things in this world can’t always go our way. In fact, most things in this world don’t go as we want. Try to approach your work life with this perspective. Even if you end up leaving the company, you should think it’s because you couldn’t adapt to this perspective, not because you resent others.”

“Yes, I understand. Thank you.”

The questions continued.

Should I forcibly hospitalize my son whose bipolar disorder has relapsed? Or should I let him go to the hospital on his own?

I’m now working in the same department again with an employee I dislike at the company. I’m stressed about potential conflicts arising again. What should I do?

One day, my husband suddenly fell ill, and I had no choice but to work at the elderly welfare center run by my sister-in-law. The pay is good, but I find the work very boring. How can I overcome this?

When the conversations ended, the day had already brightened.

After the Dharma assembly broadcast, Sunim met with the Indian community members to exchange New Year’s greetings. Short-term volunteers were also present to help with this pilgrimage. Sunim expressed gratitude to the community members for their efforts in preparing for the pilgrimage and promised to have another conversation after the pilgrimage ended, concluding the brief greeting.

At 8:30 AM, a memorial service began for the late Seol Seong-bong, who was sacrificed during an armed intruder attack in the early days of JTS India. The community gathered in front of the late Seol Seong-bong’s stupa to perform the memorial service. Some members wiped away tears as they remembered the deceased. The attendees offered cups in gratitude to the deceased.

After the memorial service, people from the Shakya clan arrived from distant Sankasia. They greeted Sunim warmly and moved together to the Prak Bodhi Hall where the anniversary ceremony would be held today.

In front of the Prak Bodhi Hall, bhikkhuni nuns from Korea were waiting for Sunim. Sunim greeted the bhikkhuni nuns and also exchanged greetings with the guests who had arrived early.

At 10 AM, the 31st anniversary ceremony of Sujata Academy began. The students opened the event by singing the Pancasila (Three Refuges and Five Precepts) and the school anthem, which they sing every day at school.

After the welcome speech by Priyapal Sunim, the JTS chairman, the students’ performances followed.

The performances included an action dance by kindergarten children, a song by women from Durgapur village, a ‘Shalala’ dance by elementary school girls, and a ‘Bezua Isk’ dance by middle school boys.

The lively musical performance by the residents of Bagahi village, dressed in matching yellow clothes, also received a big round of applause.

Then, Mukiya Sankar Yadav from Kanhaul village delivered a short congratulatory speech, saying:

“Congratulations on the opening of Sujata Academy, and thank you for doing so much for our village.”

The exciting performances continued. Middle school girls performed a ‘Punjabi’ dance, and elementary school students demonstrated Taekwondo. This year’s Taekwondo performance was particularly notable for the participation of female students.

Following this, performances by Kanhaul village residents, a ‘Dolbeje’ dance by middle school boys, and a ‘Pinga’ dance by middle school girls further enriched the stage.

After the students’ performances, Member of Parliament Jitendra Manjhi delivered a congratulatory speech.

“Hello everyone. Thank you for inviting me to the Sujata Academy anniversary ceremony. I should have come earlier, but I’m glad I could visit today. I’ve heard a lot about Sujata Academy, but seeing it in person today, I sincerely thank JTS for doing what the Indian government should be doing. This place, like the Buddha’s teachings, educates all children equally regardless of caste, gender, or class. Education is everyone’s right, and children especially need to be educated at the right time. Let me tell you an old Indian story.

One day, two brothers were walking down a road when they saw a god standing on one side and a teacher on the other. The older brother asked the younger:

‘Who should we greet first?’

The younger sibling replied:

“Thanks to my teacher, I came to know about the existence of God. I would like to first pay my respects to the teacher who taught me about God.”

Education holds a meaning beyond mere knowledge. However, education that only imparts knowledge is not true education. Knowledge without compassion is useless. To follow the Buddha’s teachings, we must cultivate compassion and a non-discriminating mind.

These days, young people in India, whether in cities or villages, suffer from difficulties in finding employment. However, those with compassion and a non-discriminating mind find peace of mind. Such people can live happily even if they can’t find a job.

What was impressive about today’s event was the active participation of villagers in the children’s school anniversary celebration. The residents of Dungeshwari village also performed on stage and enjoyed themselves. Through this, we could feel the positive influence that Sujata Academy has on the entire village. This occasion has greatly inspired me. Thank you sincerely.”

After Jitendra Manjhi’s congratulatory speech, the high school boys of Sujata Academy performed a dance to a BTS (Bangtan Boys) song. The students’ performance skills are improving every year, earning big applause from the audience.

Almost two hours into the event, all the performances prepared by Sujata Academy students came to an end. Sunim expressed his gratitude to everyone who attended the school anniversary ceremony and gave his closing remarks.

“Everyone, how have you been? Today marks the 31st anniversary of Sujata Academy. I sincerely thank all the distinguished guests and visitors who have graced this occasion. I also extend my gratitude to Dr. Burma, who has worked hard for the children’s health, and to the residents of Dungeshwari, Kanahol, and Bagahi villages who prepared wonderful performances. Did you enjoy today’s performances?”

“Yes!”

“Just like the seniors who gave great performances on stage, you too can give wonderful performances if you practice. No one is born talented. Anyone can excel if they learn and practice. Are you ready to learn and practice hard?”

“Yes!”

“Village residents, aren’t you proud to see your children performing on stage?”

“Yes!”

“Buddha attained enlightenment and became Buddha through six years of practice here. Dr. Ambedkar, though born as an untouchable, studied hard and became India’s independence activist and first Minister of Law and Justice. We too can become great people if we learn and practice here. While it might seem beneficial for children to help with household chores now, if they receive proper education, their quality of life will be significantly different in ten years. So, your continued interest and support are necessary. All children born into this world have the right to education, regardless of skin color, caste, or physical condition. JTS is building schools and providing learning opportunities to realize this value. All of this is possible thanks to the support of Korean Buddhists. Korean sponsors believe that ‘helping children is a greater Buddhist practice than building temples.’ Seeing the children study and grow, don’t you think the sponsorship is worthwhile?” (laughs)

“Yes!”

“Students and villagers, let’s give a round of applause to thank the Korean sponsors who have helped your children receive education.”

Cheers and applause filled Pragyabodhihal, and the pilgrims also expressed their gratitude.

“Sujata offered food to a practitioner who had collapsed by the Ganges. Buddha regained his health with that offering, continued his practice diligently, and attained enlightenment to become Buddha. JTS will carry on Sujata’s spirit and provide learning opportunities to all children. Thank you.”

The final performance of Sujata Academy’s anniversary celebration was the Memorial Dance. This performance visualized through dance the process of Sunim establishing a school in Dungeshwari and providing learning opportunities to children.

“Heal the world. Make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race.”

The children’s dance was moving, as if healing the world. The Korean pilgrimage group also waved their phone lights, sharing in the emotion of the final moment.

After the performance, even the students who hadn’t been on stage came up and danced freely, concluding the 31st anniversary celebration.

Sunim moved to the lunch venue with the guests. The 10th-grade students were preparing to welcome the guests in a neat appearance.

Sunim had lunch and conversed with the guests.

“When I first came here 30 years ago, children were falling ill one by one. I didn’t know the cause and was about to send them to the hospital, but Dr. Burma said, ‘These children don’t need medicine, they need food.’ So from then on, we started providing free meals at Sujata Academy. But that became a big problem. Children started coming to school in countless numbers. Initially, we planned to build a small four-room school, but thanks to Dr. Burma, Sujata Academy has grown this big.” (laughs)

All the guests burst into laughter, sharing the emotional impact of the story. Venerable Priyapal asked:

“What kind of practice do you do to remember such old events so vividly?”

Sunim smiled and replied:

“Well, even though it happened 30 years ago, I remember it all as vividly as if it were yesterday.”

Sunim pointed to one person and said:

“That person over there is Sureshji’s son. Sureshji has passed away now. Sureshji’s younger brother, Vinaiji, used to give me rides on his motorcycle to Dungeswari every day when I was working between Bodhgaya and Dungeswari 30 years ago.”

As Sunim continued his story, he recalled how many precious connections came together to establish Sujata Academy.

After finishing lunch with the guests, Sunim checked the dining area for the villagers to ensure there was enough food. Upon hearing that food was scarce in Jagdishpur village, Sunim checked the remaining food and made arrangements to ensure everyone could eat.

After inspecting all the dining areas, Sunim presented gifts to the villagers who had prepared performances, expressing his gratitude.

“You’ve worked hard preparing for the performance. I enjoyed watching your lively singing performance today. I was especially pleased to see you all dressed in performance costumes this year. Are things getting a bit better for everyone now?” (laughs)

The women from Durgapur, dressed in beautiful green saris, smiled shyly and replied:

“Yes.”

At 3 PM, Mahathero Sunim, the president of the Mahabodhi Society in Sarnath, visited the school. Sunim welcomed Mahathero Sunim warmly.

“Welcome, Sunim. We successfully concluded the school’s anniversary celebration two hours ago. We thought you wouldn’t be able to make it today.”

Mahathero Sunim apologized hurriedly and said:

“I’m sorry for being late. I had to come since I promised. I was planning to fly from Sarnath to Gaya this morning, but the flight was canceled, so I looked for train tickets. However, all tickets were sold out, and I barely managed to arrive. Next year, I’ll come a day early to make sure I attend the anniversary celebration.”

Sunim sincerely thanked Mahathero Sunim for coming such a long way. Mahathero Sunim was impressed by Sunim’s story about the sustainable development project in Bhutan and visited Sujata Academy with Dasho Dorji, who is currently working on a Bhutan temple project in Rajgir, to offer help.

Sunim, Mahathero Sunim, and Dasho Dorji spent about an hour discussing the sustainable development project in Bhutan and the details of this visit. Mahathero Sunim was deeply moved to learn that the school built under Pragbodhi Hill was established by Sunim and conveyed his joy and encouragement to Bogwang Dharma Teacher, the current head of the school. After the conversation, Mahathero Sunim and Dasho Dorji left for Bodhgaya.

At 4 PM, the Indian JTS staff gathered in the office to meet Sunim.

“You’ve worked really hard preparing for the school anniversary celebration and the pilgrimage. You probably haven’t slept well, so go home and get some rest now.”

“No, we still have the Korean pilgrimage group staying at the school, so we’ll stay until all the schedules are completed. We plan to stay at the school until today.”

Sunim smiled and replied:

“I see. After the pilgrimage is over, let’s discuss whether we should go on a picnic together or make other plans. The New Year has passed, but since we’re exchanging New Year’s greetings now, I’ll give you some New Year’s money.” (laughs)

After exchanging New Year’s greetings with the Indian staff, Sunim held a meeting with all the pilgrimage staff at 5 PM. They reviewed the progress so far, discussed points for improvement, and carefully checked the next day’s schedule.

As the sun set, around 400 people gathered in Pragbodhi Hall at 6 PM for evening prayers. After the prayers, they had a Q&A session with Sunim. The pilgrims freely raised their hands to ask Sunim questions about things they had been curious about during the pilgrimage.

For an hour and a half, six people asked questions and had conversations with Sunim. One of them mentioned not feeling particularly moved at times during the pilgrimage and asked for Sunim’s advice on how to approach the pilgrimage with the right mindset.

How Can We Approach the Pilgrimage to Feel More Moved?

“I think emotion is something that arises from the unconscious. I was incredibly moved when I took the precepts in Sarnath and when I was welcomed by the students here at Sujata Academy. It made me think that I should work harder and donate more to JTS. However, I didn’t feel particularly moved while visiting the Buddha’s sacred sites. I just understood the historical facts, like ‘Oh, this is where the Buddha attained enlightenment’ or ‘This is where Sujata offered food to the Buddha.’ That’s about all I felt, and sometimes I even had doubts like ‘Is this really true?’ or ‘Is this the right location?’ I usually have a mindset that discriminates against visible things or facts. But coming here and seeing differences from a broader perspective, I realized ‘We are really very different.’ In relationships with fellow practitioners, I came to understand that ‘We are all so different, so it’s natural that we clash.’ So now I’m really enjoying this pilgrimage in India. For the remaining schedule, as we follow in the Buddha’s footsteps, what perspective should I have to gain a deeper emotional experience at the sacred sites?”

“Visiting Sujata Academy here and the precept ceremony in Sarnath are all part of the pilgrimage program. It seems you don’t consider the visit to Sujata Academy as part of the pilgrimage program? That’s not correct. Visiting Sujata Academy is also an important part of the pilgrimage program, and so is the precept ceremony in Sarnath. Meeting the Shakya clan later is also part of the pilgrimage program, and even sleeping in the school classrooms today is part of the pilgrimage program. Do you think I’m making you sleep in classrooms just to save on travel expenses? Well, that’s not entirely untrue. We need to save a little on travel expenses so that we can give even a pen or a piece of clothing to the students at Sujata Academy. I don’t want to say to you, ‘These children are pitiful, so please donate.’ My idea is to reduce the expenses for your food and accommodation, and use the money saved for the students at Sujata Academy. This is my prerogative as the guide of this pilgrimage. Let me first explain why the Indian pilgrimage program has this system. After my first trip to India, I thought I could guide the Indian pilgrimage well. I also thought it would be good to build a school for the very poor Indian children. But that required money. At that time, I had no money at all, so I thought of two ways I could raise funds. One was to go to the express bus terminal and bow for three hours a day. In the old days, there were many monks who put out donation boxes and chanted with wooden gongs in front of express bus terminals. When I asked a monk who was doing this, he said he could earn 100,000 won by bowing for two hours. So I thought I could do that to build a school. The other option was to guide people on Indian pilgrimages and save some of the expenses to build a school. But I didn’t want to become a pitiful being begging others for money. And I’ve never been good at asking others for money. Since I was young, I’ve always earned and spent my own money, rather than saying ‘I’m doing good work, so please give me money.’ So that’s how I came up with the Indian pilgrimage program. Since the pilgrimage follows in the Buddha’s footsteps, I was confident that I could guide it very well. But to reduce expenses, we had to cut down on food and accommodation costs, which meant some hardship. When you go to India, you see poor Indian children everywhere. So I persuaded the pilgrims, ‘Isn’t it a bit unethical to spend a year’s living expenses for an Indian child on one night’s hotel stay? Let’s try to reduce our expenses for food, clothing, and accommodation.’ That’s how we started the Indian pilgrimage. At that time, we could save about 300,000 won per person this way. If we took 100 people on a pilgrimage each year, that would be about 30 million won. Back then, prices in India were also cheaper, so we could build a four-room school every year with that money. That’s how we planned to build one school at each of the Buddha’s eight major sacred sites. Initially, we planned to build one school at each sacred site, connecting them like dots, and later build several schools connecting those dots. That was the initial plan, but for the past 30 years, we’ve been stuck here at Sujata Academy, just making this one dot. (laughs)

Initially, we planned to build only a four-room school, but as you can see, the school kept growing in size, and as we built kindergartens in every village, we couldn’t expand to other areas. Anyway, because we’ve built and operated schools like this, it’s now possible for you to sleep in the classrooms and participate in the school opening ceremony. Later, when you go to the Shakya village, there’s also a program where the Shakya people come to welcome you. All of these are part of the pilgrimage program. However, different people are moved by different aspects. Some people are touched when they bow at Buddha’s sacred sites, some are moved by seeing the children attending Sujata Academy, and others are touched by seeing beggars on the street. The elements that move people vary from person to person. If I knew in advance what would move each of you, I could simplify the pilgrimage program. But since I don’t know where you’ll be touched, I’ve created this buffet-style program with many components. By participating in various programs, you’re bound to be moved by something. That’s why I’ve created such a diverse program. (Laughs)

Therefore, you don’t actually need to participate in all the programs. If you’re feeling unwell, it’s okay to skip some activities. It’s true that the schedule is a bit demanding because we’ve included many programs in the pilgrimage. While it’s great to participate in everything if your health allows, there’s no harm in taking a day off if it’s too challenging. This is because our program offers nearly three times as many activities compared to typical pilgrimage programs. So, rather than thinking, ‘I wasn’t moved at Buddha’s sacred sites, but I was moved at Sujata Academy,’ it’s better to consider that ‘the entire program, from arriving in India until departure, is all part of the pilgrimage.’ Waiting in the bus while crossing the Nepal border is part of the pilgrimage, and even experiencing a bus breakdown is part of it. That’s why at the opening ceremony, I said, ‘Pilgrimage is not just about following Buddha’s footsteps. The greater pilgrimage is observing all the thoughts that arise in your mind.’ If you try too hard to be moved, you often end up not being moved at all. Emotions come naturally as you go along. I’ve never seen anyone achieve enlightenment by thinking, ‘I must be moved on this pilgrimage to India!’ or ‘I must attain enlightenment in India!’ This is because when thoughts get ahead of you, they block the very emotions you’re seeking. It’s fine to just go without any expectations. Did you come all the way to India to worry about days, dates, and times? It’s best to simply go when told to go, come when told to come, sleep when told to sleep, and eat when told to eat. If you do this, you’ll naturally be moved. It’s good that you were moved, regardless of where it happened. Don’t overthink it too much. Even when watching a movie, don’t we often forget whether we were moved or not once we leave the theater? Sharing where and how you were moved is only good during our sharing sessions. Whether this emotion leads to life changes can only be determined once you’re back in Korea, so there’s no need to discuss it here. The most certain thing you can do here is to make a donation right away, no matter how small, based on how moved you feel. Donations should be made promptly when you’re moved; if you think about donating after returning to Korea, your feelings might change once you’re back. As the saying goes, ‘The mind before going to the toilet is different from the mind after using it.’ But is it bad that these minds are different? Not at all. That’s just human nature. We don’t need to see it as negative. We should live understanding that this is how the human mind works. Anyway, it’s a good thing that you were moved.

“Thank you. I understand well.”

Although there were more people who wanted to ask questions, the day’s schedule was concluded to prepare for tomorrow’s pilgrimage. After the Dharma talk, the pilgrims returned to their accommodations, shared their thoughts in groups, prepared lunch boxes for the next day, and then went to bed.

Tomorrow, we will move to Rajgir, where the Bamboo Grove Monastery is located, early in the morning. We will once again follow in the footsteps of the Buddha.