My Wife Feels Hurt When I Don’t Join In Her Complaints

Hello. Another eventful year is coming to an end. Today is the winter solstice, the day with the longest night and shortest day of the year.

After completing his morning practice and meditation, Sunim headed to the Jungto Social and Cultural Center. Early in the morning, former Prime Minister Kim Boo-kyum visited Sunim. They had breakfast together and discussed the current state of affairs.

Sunim emphasized that with the current social unrest due to the President’s declaration of martial law and impeachment issues, the ruling and opposition parties should cooperate in a bipartisan manner to resolve the impeachment situation quickly and reform the system to prevent such unfortunate events from recurring. Former Prime Minister Kim expressed deep agreement with Sunim’s thoughts.

After taking a commemorative photo together and seeing off former Prime Minister Kim, Sunim headed to the third-floor Dharma hall to conduct the winter solstice Dharma assembly.

At 10 AM sharp, the live broadcast of the winter solstice Dharma assembly began. Many members of the Sangha gathered in the third-floor Dharma hall of the Seoul Jungto Social and Cultural Center to participate in the winter solstice prayer.

First, Venerable Yusu led the winter solstice prayer. With each bow, participants reflected on the past year and made resolutions for the new year.

After completing the prayer, beads of sweat formed on their foreheads. Catching their breath, everyone together requested a Dharma talk from Sunim with three bows. Many members from main temples across the country, such as Adomoryewon, Cheonryongsa, Juklimjeongsa, and Mireuksa, also gathered to participate in the winter solstice Dharma assembly.

Sunim gave a Dharma talk on the meaning of ‘winter solstice’.

“Today is the winter solstice of 2024. It’s the day of the year with the shortest daylight hours and the longest night. From one perspective, the winter solstice is the day with the shortest daylight, but from another perspective, it can be seen as the starting point from which the daylight hours gradually increase. In our lives, every cause has an effect. However, we often don’t know how the results of our current actions will manifest. In other words, we’re creating causes without knowing their effects. This is the ignorance of sentient beings. Because we don’t know this, things happen that we never expected. Only then do we regret, thinking, ‘Why did I foolishly do that back then?’ When the results appear, we’re surprised, reacting as if misfortune has suddenly struck from the sky. When we realize that it’s the result of our past actions, we regret our past behavior. This is suffering.

The Power to See Causes and Know Effects, to See Effects and Know Causes

On the other hand, if we could foresee the results of our actions when we create causes, we wouldn’t be surprised or feel wronged when those results occur. We would accept them calmly. Furthermore, if the results are unfavorable, we would avoid creating such causes in the future. Reflecting on past experiences, we would learn, ‘Ah, if I do this, the result will be like that, which is detrimental to me.’ We can take this as a lesson. For example, ‘I ate something that looked good, smelled nice, and seemed delicious, but it gave me a stomachache. So I shouldn’t eat that again.’ This way, we can prevent suffering in advance. This is the way of the wise. In traditional Buddhist terms, this is called clairvoyance (天眼通) or divine vision (天眼明). Divine vision refers to the wisdom of foreseeing the results of our current actions. It’s expressed as viewing the future with the eyes of gods and heaven.

We have another form of foolishness. When something happens to us, it is the result of some cause in the past. However, even as we experience it, we don’t understand what cause led to this result. This is foolishness. Not knowing the cause, we feel resentful and angry. We think, ‘Why does this misfortune only happen to me?’ But when we understand the cause, we can accept the situation calmly. We no longer feel resentful or angry. This is called the power of knowing the past. It doesn’t simply mean remembering past events, but rather the wisdom to identify the causes of phenomena. In traditional Buddhist terms, this is called sukmyeongtong (宿命通) or sukmyeongji (宿命智). In religious terms, sukmyeongtong is expressed as “knowing past lives,” and cheonantong as “knowing future lives.” However, these are religious interpretations. Sukmyeongtong is actually about understanding the cause by observing the result, while cheonantong is about foreseeing the result by observing the cause.

In this way, when we understand the cause after seeing the result, and recognize the result after seeing the cause, we can calmly accept what happens and act more carefully when taking new actions. We can always choose what to be mindful of when we do something. However, when we fall into foolishness, we fail to recognize this. We create causes but try to avoid their consequences, only to repeat the same pattern, creating similar causes and experiencing unexpected results. Those who repeat this cycle are sentient beings bound by karma and samsara. Understanding this principle allows us to break the cycle of rebirth. As we gain experience, we learn what to be cautious about. We refrain from actions that might bring harm, no matter how tempting, and willingly do what’s beneficial, even if we dislike it. These guidelines for what to avoid and what to do form the basis of precepts. Yet, we often fail to follow these precepts because we don’t understand their reasons, purposes, and importance.

How to End the Suffering of Life

We try to avoid the consequences of our actions while foolishly continuing to create the same causes. This is why life’s suffering never ends. To break this seemingly fated cycle of rebirth, we must understand the principle of cause and effect. The detailed analysis of this principle is known as the Twelve Links of Dependent Origination(十二緣起). The most crucial starting point for breaking this cycle is awareness. Here, awareness has various meanings. It means being aware of our current state of mind, understanding our intentions and what we’re trying to do, accepting consequences rather than blaming others, and acting cautiously rather than recklessly. Through this process, we transition from living an unconsciously repetitive life to living with awareness. This is the path that practitioners should follow.

‘Now, instead of being pushed around by the world, I will be aware of my current state and direction, willingly accept the consequences of the causes I’ve already created, and for the future that hasn’t yet come, I will live in a way that doesn’t create new causes. I will become the master of my own life.’ This mindset is the starting point, known as balsim (awakening the mind). The winter solstice is like this starting point.

Balsim: The First Step Towards Self-Transformation

Until now, the days have been getting shorter, but after the winter solstice, they start to lengthen. While this is theoretically correct from today, the actual phenomenon is quite different. In fact, the cold intensifies from today, and the next month will be the coldest period of the year. Fifteen days after the winter solstice comes Sohan (minor cold), and another fifteen days later comes Daehan (major cold). Fifteen days after Daehan is Ipchun (the beginning of spring).

At first glance, one might think that the coldest days should coincide with the shortest daylight hours, and that as the days grow longer, the weather should gradually become warmer. However, why does reality differ from this expectation? This is because there is a time lag between cause and effect. Just as a room doesn’t instantly warm up when you turn on the boiler, nor does it immediately cool down when you turn it off, the Earth also takes time to warm up or cool down. In other words, it follows the same principle as a room that becomes warm several hours after the heat is turned on, and cools down several hours after the heat is turned off. In our current location in Korea, the coldest period is about a month from now. The coldest time comes about a month after the winter solstice, and the hottest time arrives about a month after the summer solstice. Starting today, the lengthening of daylight hours is an internal principle, while the rise or fall in temperature is an external phenomenon. This illustrates the difference between internal principles and outward manifestations. From the perspective of internal principles, the new year already begins at the winter solstice. In other words, spring is bound to come. That’s why the winter solstice can be considered the starting point of a new year. On the other hand, from the perspective of outward phenomena, we can mark the beginning of spring after Daehan (Major Cold), which signifies that while there may still be cold days ahead, the worst of the cold is over. This is Ipchun (the Beginning of Spring). In the solar calendar, it’s Ipchun, while in the lunar calendar, it’s the start of the new year.

Spring doesn’t fully arrive just because it’s Ipchun. Spring starts to come after Ipchun has passed. That’s why it’s not until the end of March that everyone feels “Now it’s spring.” This is precisely when the spring equinox (Chunbun) occurs, when the day starts to become longer than the night. Only after the spring equinox do forsythias bloom, and Siberian chrysanthemums and pussy willows appear, allowing us to visually recognize that spring has arrived. Thus, while we can visually confirm spring’s arrival after the spring equinox, we start to feel less cold around Ipchun, and theoretically, spring begins to approach from the winter solstice.

Spring Is Coming, No Matter How Cold It Is

The process of spiritual practice is similar. When you start practicing, making a resolution today is like passing the winter solstice. After about 100 days of prayer, you begin to know yourself a little. You realize, “I’m a bit stubborn,” or “I’m a bit greedy.” This self-awareness is like passing Ipchun. After 1000 days, people around you start to notice your changes. In other words, after about three years of prayer, others begin to say, “You’ve changed.” This is like passing the spring equinox. Based on this principle of seasons, we conduct our opening ceremony, 100-day prayer, and 1000-day prayer.

For those of you here today, try to make a resolution, start practicing, and experience changes in tune with the seasons. You don’t necessarily have to wait for the 100-day or 1000-day prayer. Try to know yourself a little by Ipchun and let others notice your changes by the spring equinox. However, in reality, human change is slower than seasonal change. It’s that difficult to break free from karmic existence. That’s why it takes about 100 days to start knowing yourself a little, and about 1000 days for others to notice your changes. This is why we focus on the 1000-Day Practice in our spiritual journey. Furthermore, it takes about 30 years for the world to change. Thirty years is about 10,000 days. That’s why we make a vow to create a Jungto world and participate in the 10,000-Day Practice. Since all of this starts with a resolution, we conduct this winter solstice prayer today to reflect on the meaning of that beginning.

Praying for the Opening of Korea’s National Fortune in 2025

Particularly these days, our country is going through a somewhat turbulent and chaotic phase. That’s why I ask you to practice even more steadfastly without wavering. I will be starting my overseas schedule the day after tomorrow and will return to Korea in about 50 days. When I return, I hope that many problems will have been resolved and the situation will have stabilized. I hope that you will, on my behalf, keep an eye on the flow of national affairs, speak up when necessary, and assert what needs to be asserted, using this as an opportunity for South Korea to take a step forward. Instead of always asking me to do something, I hope you will take the lead in using this period as a new opportunity for national development.

Venerable Yongseong Jinjong Seunim predicted 100 years ago that a new era for Korea would begin in 2025. Just last year, we wondered if a new Korea could really emerge given the difficult national situation. But seeing how things have unfolded, it’s truly unpredictable. I hope that by overcoming the current challenges, 2025 will indeed become a year of hope for us.”

Jungto Society members resolved to begin their practice with renewed determination as they welcomed the winter solstice.

Following this, they performed a memorial service for their ancestors, shared their thoughts in groups, and concluded the winter solstice Dharma assembly. Red bean porridge was served for lunch at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center.

The attendees enjoyed the red bean porridge before returning home.

Later, Dr. Kwak Soo-jong, who previously worked at Samsung Economic Research Institute and now runs Rien Economic Research Institute, visited Sunim for lunch and conversation. Dr. Kwak discussed various economic indicators, highlighting the severe economic crisis facing South Korea amidst the current turmoil. Sunim and Dr. Kwak exchanged ideas on how to overcome this situation.

At 2 PM, Sunim held a Dharma Q&A session with Jungto Dharma School students in the broadcasting room of the Seoul Jungto Center. The students, who enrolled in September, have completed the “Practical Buddhist Thought” course and are currently on their third lesson of the “Buddha, the Man” course. Today’s session was an opportunity for students to ask questions and clarify doubts arising from their study of the Human Buddha course.

About 2,000 Jungto Dharma School students entered the video conference room, greeting each other with waves. The session began with a video showcasing the students’ welfare activities, followed by students sharing their experiences from the classes.

Everyone then respectfully requested Sunim’s teaching with three bows. Sunim began the dialogue by briefly explaining why studying the life of the Buddha is important.

“If we approach Buddhism from a religious perspective of seeking blessings and help, social practice cannot emerge. This is because we don’t understand the specific social and historical realities in which the Buddha lived. On the other hand, if we study Buddhist philosophy academically, focusing only on concepts like ‘form is emptiness’, ’emptiness is form’, ‘impermanence’, and ‘non-self’, it becomes difficult to understand how we should approach our daily lives. However, studying the life of the Buddha is different. The Buddha lived in a concrete social reality. Even if he was an ordinary person before his enlightenment, he lived for 45 years as the Buddha after attaining enlightenment. The world he lived in after becoming the Buddha was exactly the same as the world we live in. There were many problems. For example, a woman’s child suddenly died. How sad must she have been? This woman cried out to the Buddha, begging him to bring her child back to life. This is a concrete reality. What do you think the Buddha said in this situation? Did he say, ‘The Dharma is empty’? Or did he say, ‘All things are impermanent’?

At that time, there were many slaves. Slaves had masters. Slaves couldn’t become monks at will without their master’s permission. In the old days, if a slave ran away, they would be caught, beaten, and sometimes killed. Similarly, if a slave became a monk, it was a significant loss for the master, which caused problems. How do you think the Buddha responded to such situations?

The Importance of Studying the Life of the Buddha

The Buddha faced numerous real-world problems. Therefore, by studying the Buddha’s life well, we can understand Buddhist social thought and historical issues of that time. We can also imagine what the Buddha might say and do if he appeared in our society today. If we remove some of the mystical descriptions, we can find the social and historical aspects of Buddhism in the Buddha’s life. This is why studying the life of the Buddha is very important. I was initially drawn to Buddhism because of its cosmology. However, after about ten years, I became very disappointed with Buddhism. I thought, ‘If I’m going to quit, I should at least know whether what I believe is real Buddhism or not.’ That’s when I became interested in the life of the Buddha. As I studied the Buddha’s life again, I realized, ‘Ah, the Buddhism I knew wasn’t the original Buddhism.’ This realization led me to renew my commitment. That’s why I hope you will properly study the life of the Buddha. Sunim then took questions from the audience. Five people had pre-registered to ask questions and engaged in dialogue with Sunim. One of them sought Sunim’s advice, saying that his wife feels hurt because he doesn’t agree with or support her when she swears or speaks ill of others.

As I Practice and Let Go of Attachments, I Become Negligent of My Family and Work

“The more I practice repentance and meditation, the more I realize that letting go of attachments is key. However, as I try to gradually let go of attachments, I find myself, as a lay practitioner, conflicting with my work and becoming negligent of my family and job. This has started to worry me. How should a lay practitioner who hasn’t renounced the world approach their practice? I would like to seek your advice, Sunim.”

“Let me ask you a question in return. As you go through life, whether it’s at work, in your marriage, dealing with your children’s issues, or taking care of your parents, various worries arise. Why do you think these worries occur? Isn’t it the teaching of Buddhism that if we find the cause of suffering and remove it, we can live without suffering? What does this have to do with whether you’ve renounced the world or not?

If you want tobecome a Buddhist monk, you can do so. If you want to get married, you can do that too. Whether to renounce or marry is a personal choice. The Buddha’s teachings don’t say ‘get married’ or ‘don’t get married,’ ‘work’ or ‘don’t work.’ The Buddha taught how to live without suffering whether you’re married, single, or even if you go to church. Being free from suffering is nirvana. The Buddha taught the method to attain nirvana. So, you need to specifically explain why you’re having difficulties living as a lay practitioner. It has nothing to do with whether you’ve renounced or not. You need to say, ‘I’m suffering because of this problem.’ Only then can I help you. What did you learn in the Buddhism course? Didn’t you learn that ‘This is suffering. This is the cause of suffering. If you remove the cause of suffering, you reach a state free from suffering. However, it can recur, so to prevent suffering from arising again, what should you do? You should have eight right perspectives. Be mindful when you speak, be mindful when you act.’ Isn’t this what you learned in the Buddhism course? Therefore, it has nothing to do with whether you live alone or with someone else. Suffering arises whether you live alone or with others, whether you shave your head or grow your hair long, whether you live in a temple or at home. It’s not that you’re a practitioner if you live in a temple and not a practitioner if you live at home. We are studying with the perspective that a practitioner is someone who lives without suffering.

So you need to talk about what your anguish is. It’s not at all about being ordained or remaining a layperson. Our perspective is not about Christianity or Buddhism, nor is it about being a layperson or an ordained monk, nor about being rich or poor. If you have anguish, Buddhism is about finding the cause of that anguish and seeking a way to live without it. You can choose to get married, choose not to get married, choose to become a monk, or choose not to believe in any religion. These are all personal choices. It’s like when you’re thirsty, you need to drink water, but what kind of water you drink is a personal choice. Depending on your health condition, some might drink hot water, some cold water, and some sweet water, but that’s an individual choice. When you’re thirsty, drinking water is important, but what kind of water you drink can vary depending on your personal condition. So, please ask your question again.”

The questioner asked again more specifically.

My Wife Feels Hurt When I Don’t Join In Her Complaints

“For example, in the past, when my wife came home stressed or feeling wronged from work, I would join in criticizing others and agree with her complaints. And then I engaged in casual conversation and chatted with her, it seemed to comfort her a lot. But these days, I just listen without doing those things. Of course, I try to empathize, but my wife feels that I’m not actively sympathizing and feels hurt. I’m not sure how to resolve her feelings of disappointment when she feels this way.”

“First, aren’t you still listening to her now just as you did before, even if you’re not joining in the criticism? So you should listen more attentively than before and show empathy. Say things like, ‘You must have been very angry,’ ‘You must have felt really bad,’ ‘You must have been very distressed,’ ‘You must have been very sad.’ Don’t say, ‘As a practitioner, I don’t think that’s something to be distressed about.’ Showing empathy should be the same now as it was before. Instead, you need to show sufficient empathy.

If you listen to your wife’s complaints and get angry and curse along with her, it means you’ve lost your equanimity. But if you keep your composure while empathizing, you won’t suffer. However, your wife’s desire for you to curse with her and engage in idle talk falls into an area that you, as a practitioner, can’t accommodate. For example, while not eating meat isn’t necessarily part of practice, if you decide to reduce meat consumption, you shouldn’t force your wife to stop eating meat by saying ‘don’t eat that.’ That would cause conflict. Whether your wife eats meat or not is her decision, so you shouldn’t comment on it. But you should try to eat less meat or avoid it when possible. Your not eating meat doesn’t harm your wife, does it? You shouldn’t force your wife not to eat meat just because you don’t. You should at least maintain this perspective. We can’t do everything others want us to do. Just because someone asks us to steal, we shouldn’t steal with them. Just because someone asks us to hit others, we can’t join in hitting them. Similarly, if your wife asks ‘Why don’t you gossip with me like you used to?’ you can answer like this: ‘I’ve realized that cursing doesn’t solve problems. I’ve become aware that getting angry only hurts me. So while I fully understand why you’re angry, how would it help if I get angry too?’ Introduce what you’re practicing little by little, but don’t force her to do the same. If you force your wife, she might feel bad. Instead, actively listen to what your wife is saying, but if you think something is not desirable, just don’t do it. Your not doing it doesn’t harm your wife. It’s just that you can’t fulfill everything she wants. It’s like when a child asks for something, you might buy everything else, but you shouldn’t buy things that are bad for the child’s health. The child might cry and throw a tantrum. If they demand a toy gun, you say, ‘That’s not allowed.’ The child might cry because they want it, but not buying a toy gun doesn’t mean you don’t love the child.

Without a clear perspective like this, it’s difficult to progress in one’s practice. We can’t say that a practitioner is someone who does bad things just because the world wants them to, can we? So, I live according to Buddhist teachings, but I shouldn’t force that on my wife. If you maintain this perspective, there won’t be any major problems. This has nothing to do with becoming a monk.”

“Thank you. I understand.”

The questions continued.

If there’s no misfortune for other companies in the competitive process, our employees will end up on the streets. We experience pleasure and pain daily due to our desire for the company’s success. Is this the natural consequence according to the law of cause and effect?

What is the ultimate purpose of meditation? I’m curious about how it helps in my life after meditation.

I’d like to hear more details about the Twelve Links of Dependent Origination. How are birth, aging, and death formed, and where does the initial ignorance come from?

Buddha lived according to his parents’ wishes for 10 years. Did Buddha have any feelings of rebellion while living forcibly according to his parents’ wishes?

The live broadcast ended as it approached 4 PM. The students gathered in virtual classrooms to continue sharing their thoughts.

Sunim headed back to the Jungto Social and Cultural Center. Mr. Hwang Bo-guk, the President of the Korean Association of the Family Federation for World Peace and Unification, and Mr. Lee Hyun-young, the President of the Korean Council of Religious Leaders, along with other officials, visited Sunim for a tea meeting. The Family Federation sought advice on what efforts should be made for peace on the Korean Peninsula.

Sunim discussed how the risk of war on the Korean Peninsula has decreased due to Trump’s re-election and the impeachment of the South Korean president. He shared opinions on how to normalize North Korea-US relations and transform inter-Korean relations into reconciliation and cooperation. The Family Federation also responded that they would make special efforts to improve North Korea-US relations for peace on the Korean Peninsula.

After two hours of conversation, they shared red bean porridge for dinner to celebrate the winter solstice.

The sun had set by the time the meeting ended. It had been a long day.

In the evening, Sunim packed for his 50-day overseas schedule, proofread manuscripts, and concluded the day’s activities.

Tomorrow morning, Sunim will conduct a live English Dharma Q&A for foreigners, then record a Dharma talk for next year’s opening ceremony and an introductory practice session for the Buddhism course. In the afternoon, he will attend the Gyeolsa Practitioners’ Jaja Retreat to give a Dharma Q&A and closing Dharma talk. In the evening, he will have an online meeting with the 100-Day Special Practice Committee to discuss practical preparations.