My Husband Only Smiles at Church, Not at Home. What Should I Do?

The plane that departed from Manila Airport at 2 AM flew for about 4 hours and arrived at Incheon Airport at 6:55 AM Korean time.

After retrieving the luggage and exiting the airport, Sunim took a commemorative photo with the guests who accompanied him on this Philippines visit.

“Thanks to you, Sunim, I learned so much. Thank you.”

After everyone expressed their gratitude to Sunim, they headed to their respective homes.

Departing from Incheon Airport, Sunim headed directly to the Seoul Jungto Center. Due to heavy traffic during rush hour, he arrived at the Jungto Center at 10 AM, unpacked, and took some time to freshen up.

At 1:30 PM, Venerable Yeocho, who had completed the 100-Day Chulga program, joined the Jungto Society Sangha and greeted Sunim with three bows. Sunim spoke about the attitude one should have when living within the community.

At 2 PM, Sunim had an interview with reporter Baek Seong-ho from the JoongAng Ilbo in the Peace Foundation meeting room.

The reporter asked Sunim various questions about the reasons for starting to build schools in Mindanao, Philippines, his motivation for becoming a monk, why practitioners always need to question themselves, the Buddha’s life and social practice, the principles of Dharma Q&A, the need for authentic and practical Buddhism, and finally, his perspective on the current state of affairs in South Korea. After answering questions for 2 hours and 30 minutes, the interview concluded.

As the sun set, Sunim departed from the Seoul Jungto Center at 6 PM and headed to Seongnam City. Today was the last Dharma Q&A lecture of this year’s Happy Dialogue series. Due to heavy traffic during the evening rush hour, it took an hour to arrive at the venue at 7 PM.

Today’s lecture was held at the Seongnam Atrium. When Sunim arrived at the venue, about 40 happy citizens from the Seongnam City Happiness Center were welcoming the citizens who came to see the lecture from various places.

After greeting the volunteers, Sunim headed to the auditorium. The lecture began with beautiful songs by singer Seong-guk. He passionately sang two songs: “Like a Big Tree” and “People Are More Beautiful Than Flowers”.

Next, a video was shown of Sunim building and inaugurating a school for 4,000 students in Syria, which had suffered severe earthquake damage.

After the video ended, Sunim walked onto the stage amid cheers and applause. The first and second floors were filled with an audience of about 600 people.

“Hello! I see people on the second floor too. Nice to meet you all. (Everyone applauds) My knees are not in good condition, so I’ll give the lecture while sitting down. Is that okay?”

“Yes!”

“You’ve just watched the Syria video, right? If we show just a little interest in the world, we can become a new hope for hungry and sick people on the other side of the globe, and for children who can’t go to school. South Korea has developed that much now. Just 60 years ago, we received help from other countries, but now we have enough capacity to help people in poor countries. However, due to our difficult past, we are still accustomed to receiving help and reluctant to give help. This can be seen as a problem of culture and values. Compared to Europe, South Korea’s international aid is insufficient relative to its economic level. Now that the cold winter that freezes even people’s hearts is approaching and Christmas is coming, isn’t it? I would like to encourage you to participate in activities that show warmth to those around you and to people in poor countries by opening your hearts just a little.

The world today is changing so rapidly that it’s difficult to predict what might happen overnight. Did you ever imagine martial law being declared in our country? Or that the state of emergency would be lifted overnight, and impeachment would be passed in the National Assembly just 11 days later? The Assad government in Syria, after 53 years of dictatorship, crumbled like a sandcastle in a day. We are living in an era where it’s hard to even imagine what might happen a week from now. Regardless of whether it’s good or bad, it’s clear that change is happening quickly. Also, President Trump of the United States was elected not once, but twice. At first, we thought, ‘Has America gone mad?’ But he might play the role of a problem solver. He could resolve the North Korean issue or end the war in Ukraine. We live in a world where we can’t easily judge whether someone is good or bad. Why has the world become like this? It’s because changes in values and society are progressing much faster than we think. When the world changes faster than our predictions, we feel confused, and conversely, when it changes slowly, we feel stable but experience frustration. These days, societal changes are happening much faster than our thoughts can keep up. This change is a global trend. Climate change has progressed rapidly, making climate crisis a daily reality, and the international order is also changing rapidly due to the U.S.-China hegemonic competition. Within our society, the pace of change is accelerating, and the gap between the rich and the poor is widening more quickly and dramatically. While these issues may not immediately disrupt our daily lives, they are causing considerable anxiety. Practice means maintaining your center amidst these changes and accepting them as they are. It’s like windsurfing – instead of being swept away by the waves, you ride them. It would be good if you could live your life proactively, using the force of change rather than being swept away by it. Now, let’s hear your stories.”

Continuing, four people who had submitted questions in advance had a conversation with Sunim first. One of them asked for Sunim’s advice on what to do about her husband who smiles brightly and seems very happy when going to church, but is quiet at home, which she finds frustrating.

My Husband Only Smiles at Church but Not at Home, What Should I Do?

“My husband and our whole family have been attending church for 1 year and 6 months. As beginners, we’ve been obedient and participated in small groups as the church instructed. During this time, my previously mute husband has gradually become brighter in those meetings. At first, I was grateful, but this man only smiles widely at the meetings and clams up again when he comes home. Even though I try to think of him as a puppy, as Sunim said ‘puppies are cute even when they don’t respond,’ I get so angry that I don’t even want to go to church anymore. How can I find peace of mind?”

“You attend church?”

“Yes, I’ve been going for 1 year and 6 months.”

“Well, with Christmas approaching, would you like to sing ‘Joy to the World’ for us?” (Everyone laughs)

“Joy to the World, the Lord is come! Let earth receive her King~ The end!”

“Hahaha. Looks like you don’t know the rest. You’re quite witty. Now, let me ask you a question. Let’s say you usually receive 10,000 won as pocket money from your parents every day. But you were hoping for 50,000 won. Then your parents give you 20,000 won. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?”

“It’s a bad thing.”

“Why?”

“Because I was expecting 50,000 won. I’d be more grateful if I received 50,000 won.”

“I see. But you usually get 10,000 won and now you got 20,000 won, right?”

“Ah… then I’m grateful.” (Everyone laughs)

“Okay. You just said that yourself, right?”

“Yes.”

“So your husband was quiet at home, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then he started talking when he went to church?”

“Yes.”

“Is it better for him to be quiet both at home and at church, or to be quiet at home but talk at church?”

“Hmm… I’d prefer if he consistently kept his mouth shut.” (Everyone laughs)

“Hahaha. Of course, it would be best if your husband smiled both at church and at home. Just like it would be nice if your parents gave you 50,000 won. But since your husband started talking and smiling at church even though he’s quiet at home, wouldn’t you say that’s a bit of an improvement?”

“From my perspective, I can’t say it’s particularly better.”

“Then would you prefer if he was quiet both at home and at church?”

“No.”

“But you just said you preferred consistency.”

“Smiling is good, but we also have a 10-year-old late child. My husband doesn’t even smile at the child, but he smiles when he’s with people at church. He’s also close to the TV and smiles brightly when watching variety shows. That makes me angry.”

“I understand why you feel angry. But your husband isn’t meeting your expectations. It would be best if he smiled at home, when watching TV, even when not watching TV, and at church. But that’s not who your husband is. It’s like how your parents don’t give you 50,000 won even though you’d like that. So, is it better to get 10,000 won if they’re not giving 50,000 won, or is it better to get 20,000 won?”

“20,000 won.”

“You said that yourself, right? (Laughs) Then is it better if he doesn’t smile at home, at church, or in front of others, or is it better if he at least smiles when he’s with others even if he doesn’t smile at home?”

“But he should smile well within our family too for me to feel grateful.”

“That’s right. We said that would be the best. But what can you do if you’re not that fortunate?”

“That’s why. What should I do?”

“What do you mean what should you do? You’re just not that fortunate.” (Everyone laughs)

“Should I give up?”

“It’s not about giving up. Try praying to God like this: ‘God, thank you. I’m truly happy that my husband at least smiles when he goes to church.’

God is also a problem. (Laughs) Because He gives your husband a smile at church, but doesn’t extend that grace to your home. Whether at church, at home, or at a temple, He should give grace without discrimination, but because your faith is still lacking, you receive grace in one place but not in another. As your faith deepens, you’ll be able to receive grace anywhere. You can receive it at church, at a temple, like that. But people think they can only receive grace at church. So you need to change your thinking a bit. First, you should thank God. ‘Thank you. Even though he doesn’t smile at home, I’m glad my husband is at least a little happy when he smiles at church.’ Right now, you’re not wishing for your husband’s happiness, but for your own happiness.”

“Is that so?”

“Of course. You’re complaining, ‘Why doesn’t he make me happy by smiling at home?’ And you feel hurt thinking, ‘Why does he smile at others and not at me?’ But if you truly love your husband, you should think like this: ‘It’s okay if you don’t smile at me. I want you to be happy. Even if you’re not happy at home, I’m truly glad to see you happy at church.’ But instead, you’re thinking, ‘This guy doesn’t smile at home, but he smiles at church? That makes me not want to go to church!’ What have you learned at church? (Everyone laughs) You need to change your perspective. So from today, try praying like this. Come on, repeat after me. ‘God, thank you.'”

“God, thank you.”

“I’m so happy that my husband goes to church and is happy.”

“I’m so happy.” (Everyone laughs)

“Why are you skipping the first part? (Everyone laughs) I’m so happy that my husband smiles when he comes to church.”

“I’m so happy and grateful that my husband has found his smile at church.”

“That’s right. (Everyone applauds) If you pray like that, you’ll receive even more grace. Understood?”

“Yes, thank you.” (Everyone applauds)

The questions continued.

After having a child, I can’t directly take care of them for 3 years. Is it okay to do childcare after work for various reasons including economic ones?

Am I strange for not having a wide range of emotions? I’ve been feeling lethargic for a while now.

In this politically difficult situation, what mindset should we have as we end this year and welcome the new year?

After the four pre-submitted questions were answered, six more people raised their hands and asked questions on site.

I’m curious if maintaining enlightenment is like maintaining a good habit, or if it always requires attention. Also, what practices would be good to sustain enlightenment in daily life?

I have many things I like and want to do, but I don’t seem to have any strengths or things I’m good at. I’m curious about how to love myself and view myself honestly.

As an elementary school teacher, I feel uncomfortable when children say they want to be “rich and unemployed” in the future. How would Venerable Pomnyun Sunim respond if he heard such an answer?

Is it true that Buddha didn’t sleep for 6 years during his ascetic practices? Also, what is the significance of Buddha’s ears being depicted as large and long?

I’ve changed jobs several times, and I’m currently happy being unemployed, but I need to job hunt again. In interviews, my job-hopping experience is viewed negatively, and I’m terrified as I recall unhappy experiences from my work life.

What led Venerable Pomnyun Sunim to become a monk?

After answering all the questions, it was 9:30 PM. A book signing session was immediately held in the lobby. Many citizens lined up to greet Sunim and expressed their gratitude.

After the book signing, Sunim took a commemorative photo with the volunteers who prepared for the lecture.

“Seongnam Happy Citizens, Fighting!”

Today is the last lecture of the year. Members of the Happiness Movement Special Headquarters prepared a cake to celebrate the final lecture together. After presenting the cake to Sunim, everyone expressed their gratitude to him.

“Thank you, Venerable Pomnyun Sunim!”

Sunim also expressed his gratitude to the members of the Happiness Movement Special Headquarters.

“Thank you all for your hard work in preparing for the lectures throughout the year.”

After leaving the lecture hall, Sunim headed straight to the Seoul Jungto Center.

After a 30-minute drive, he arrived at the Seoul Jungto Center at 10:30 PM and concluded his daily schedule.

Due to the unstable political situation, many politicians are seeking Sunim’s advice. Tomorrow, he is scheduled to spend the entire day meeting and conversing with social figures who will visit The Peace Foundation.