How can I maintain harmony in my blended family between my husband’s children from his previous marriage and my own children?

Hello. Today is the day we return to Korea after completing a 4-day, 3-night visit to Türkiye and Syria.

Sunim began his day with morning practice and meditation, followed by breakfast at 6:30 AM in the lodging. Before returning to Korea, he decided to visit the Istanbul Archaeological Museum.

Taking the tram that runs through downtown Istanbul, Sunim got off at Gulhane station and walked for 5 minutes to arrive at the Archaeological Museum at 9 AM.

The Istanbul Archaeological Museum houses over one million artifacts from ancient civilizations spanning from Anatolia to the Caucasus, Mesopotamia, and Arabia.

The Ottoman Empire, an Islamic state, gathered all the artifacts of ancient Greek, Roman, and Byzantine civilizations scattered throughout its territory into this museum. Since the Ottoman Empire conquered Constantinople, the capital of the Eastern Roman Empire, in 1453 and exerted enormous influence over vast areas including southeastern Europe, western Asia, and parts of North Africa until the early 20th century, the collection alone revealed the imperialistic aspect of the Ottoman Empire.

Each exhibition hall displayed numerous Greek, Hellenistic, and Roman artifacts, including the Alexander Sarcophagus from the 4th century BCE Hellenistic period.

In addition to sculptures of various beauty such as sarcophagi and funeral steles, there were many exhibits related to Troy, Anatolia, and Syria.

“Ancient civilizations all developed in arid regions. This is because ancient civilizations developed during the Neolithic period. Even when bronze was later invented, it was used for ritual vessels and weapons, but not for agricultural tools. Therefore, all daily utensils were made of stone. With stone tools, grass could be cut, but large trees couldn’t be felled, so the centers of civilization had to be in grassland areas. In the Indian subcontinent, the Indus Valley, a grassland region, was the early development area of Indian civilization. In China, the grasslands of the Yellow River basin were the center of the Yellow River civilization. Here too, Mesopotamian civilization developed in the grasslands between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. About 3,500 years ago, humans began to make iron tools. With the advent of iron tools, the Ganges basin was developed in India, and areas south of the Yangtze River were developed in China. The period when iron civilization began to develop significantly was the Spring and Autumn and Warring States period in China, and in India, it developed in the Hindustan Plain of the Ganges basin during the later period of Aryan civilization.”

In the area displaying ancient stone coffins, the bones were preserved intact.

“Here, we could really practice contemplation of skeletons. The actual skulls are exposed right here.”

After touring each exhibition hall, Sunim took a commemorative photo at the spot marking the year the museum was established before leaving the museum at 11 AM.

Returning to the accommodation, he packed his belongings and prepared to depart for Korea.

At 1:30 PM, broadcasting equipment was set up at the accommodation, and the Friday Dharma Q&A live broadcast began. Due to the 6-hour time difference between Türkiye and Korea, it was 7:30 PM in Korea.

With about 3,700 people connected to the live broadcast, Sunim gave his opening remarks.

“I am currently broadcasting live from Istanbul, Türkiye. The day before yesterday, there was a very meaningful event here in the Türkiye-Syria border region. This area suffered significant damage from an earthquake last year. We demolished the damaged school and rebuilt it anew. Originally, it was a school for 3,500 students, but we completed the reconstruction in just one year, expanding it to accommodate 4,000 students. Many people attended the day before yesterday’s event, including the head of the Syrian interim government, as well as the governor and officials from the Turkish government, to participate in both the completion ceremony and the school opening ceremony. This region has been deeply scarred by over a decade of war, resulting in numerous deaths, destruction of buildings, and the displacement of refugees. On top of that, the earthquake caused further loss of life and collapsed buildings. To give new hope to people in such despair, JTS undertook the reconstruction of the school. Just as the school was rebuilt from the ruins, we wanted to convey hope to the Syrian people and children in difficulty that ‘we too can rise again.’ Many people were truly delighted with the reconstruction of the school, and the children were happy as well. This was made possible thanks to your support. I would like to take this opportunity to express my sincere gratitude to all the donors.”

Following this, Sunim engaged in conversations with three people who had submitted questions in advance. One of them was a woman who had married a divorced man with two children. She sought Sunim’s advice on how to resolve the conflicts between her own two children and her husband’s two children.

How can I maintain harmony in my blended family between my husband’s children from his previous marriage and my own children?

“I am married to a divorced man who has two children from his previous marriage. My husband and I have had two children together, so we are living as a family of six. I am a full-time housewife, and it has been my childhood dream to be a good wife and wise mother, supporting my husband and raising the children properly, living an ordinary, harmonious life. However, having no experience with this type of marriage, we have been facing constant discord since the beginning of our marriage. Every day is difficult, as if I am holding a lump of fire in my heart. It seems like there are too many things that torment me as I look at my family based on my standards. To my husband’s children from his previous marriage, I am a stepmother. Because of this, my husband and I cannot maintain a close relationship as we are always mindful of the children’s feelings. Even when we exchange affectionate glances as a couple, we are startled if the children see us, as if we’ve been caught having an affair. We refrain from natural conversations or light skinship between us as a couple, always being conscious of the children. I have rarely been affectionate towards my own children out of consideration for my husband’s children. For 14 years, I haven’t even eaten a meal at the same table with the young children, avoiding being too friendly. I’ve refused when the children asked to go somewhere together. Now my youngest is 11 years old, and complains to me, saying, ‘Why are the mom and dad in our house like this? It seems so different from other families.’ The child says that because the relationship between mom and dad doesn’t look good in their eyes, they are not happy either. The child wants us to get along well. This breaks my heart so much, and I’m deeply pained that I’ve created such an environment. However, my husband doesn’t seem to care about these aspects at all. He’s always busy being overly cautious. Considering that we’re not showing a good image to the children and that our marital relationship is not smooth, I think divorce might be better. But if I divorce because I’m having a hard time, it feels like I’m taking away the father’s place from the children, so I’m in a situation where I can’t do either. With what mindset should I pray so that I can find peace of mind and not hurt my young third and fourth children?”

“Didn’t you know beforehand that marrying a man with children would be more complicated than marrying someone without children? If you didn’t know that when you made your choice, I think you were foolish. Even though your husband divorced his ex-wife, she is still the mother of his children, and he is still their father. Even after their divorce, they should maintain a friendly relationship and cooperate for the sake of their children. Of course, if your husband gets along well with his ex-wife even after remarrying, it’s easy for the new wife to be suspicious. But you shouldn’t view it with such suspicion. The relationship between adults as a married couple has ended with divorce, but they are still the mother and father of their children. As parents of their children, they should discuss their children’s issues together, and attend events together to encourage them so that the children can grow up without feeling hurt. If you prevent this because he is now your husband, then you made the wrong choice in marrying him. You should have chosen a man without children. The idea that only your own children are precious and other children are not is an extremely selfish thought. If you treat your husband with a slightly jealous or disliking attitude, he will always feel the need to be cautious around you. He might think, ‘If I treat the children this way, will my wife dislike it again?’ In any case, your husband feels guilty towards his children and consults with his ex-wife to protect them from negative influences. While your third and fourth children have their biological mother, the first and second don’t, so your husband probably feels he needs to fulfill that role as well. Naturally, he will pay more attention to the first and second children. It’s unrealistic for you to expect your husband to treat his ex-wife’s children and your children exactly the same. If your husband treats all children equally as you wish, but you are closer to your own children because you’re their biological mother, his ex-wife’s children will be hurt. If you want to do this, you should first discuss it with your husband. ‘Honey, I will treat all four children equally, so could you also treat them as equally as possible? I promise I will never discriminate against your ex-wife’s children.’ You need to either agree on improvements like this or accept that it’s natural for your husband to pay more attention to his ex-wife’s children. If you want to follow your own opinion, you should discuss with your husband to find improvements, or you need to accept this reality. Alternatively, you could choose divorce. If you decide to divorce, you should first listen to the children’s opinions.’ Mom is unhappy because Dad seems to pay less attention to you. This causes Mom and Dad to argue. What do you think about this? Do you understand Dad and think it’s better to continue living like this? Or do you think it would be better if we divorced? If you’re okay with it, Mom won’t make an issue of Dad anymore. Then Mom can get along well with Dad. If not, we could divorce, and Mom could focus more on you. What do you think would be best?’ You can discuss it like this. If you decide to divorce, you should also prepare to be financially independent. When I say to listen to the children’s opinions, I don’t mean you have to unconditionally follow their wishes. You should also talk with your husband. If he’s willing to improve, you can continue living together. If he wants a divorce, then you can proceed with that. I think you can try following these steps.

Although you made a promise of marriage, promises can be broken. From your perspective, you may be dissatisfied with your husband for paying less attention to your children. However, from another point of view, your husband can be seen as caring deeply for and protecting his children from his previous marriage. His children from the previous marriage likely feel that their father is protecting them well, even after remarrying, without causing them much difficulty. The ex-wife, although separated due to differences, would probably be grateful that he is taking good care of her children. In my opinion, your husband seems to be a person who deserves praise for taking good care of his children, not a person to be criticized. If you view your husband unfavorably, you should discuss it with him and work on improving the situation. Alternatively, you could make a promise to your husband that would make him stop being overly cautious around you. If such an agreement cannot be reached, divorce could be an option.

First, you need to consider whether you can live alone with your children after a divorce, or if you could find another man who would be better than your current husband. Second, you should ask your children if having a somewhat lacking father is better than having no father at all. If the children say it’s better to have such a father, you should stop making an issue of your husband. If the children are okay with it, there’s no need for you to problematize it. It seems that your attitude towards life is not very clear, and you tend to be swayed by emotions or go with the flow. If you have the perspective I’ve mentioned clearly in mind, I think there shouldn’t be much of a problem.

“Thank you. I understand well.”

The questions continued.

I found out that the apartment residents’ representative is receiving compensation dishonestly. I’m hesitant to raise an objection because it might cause friction, but ignoring it makes me uncomfortable. What should I do?

I’m in a difficult situation after being reported for child abuse during my teaching career. I’m really frustrated and angry, but I’m enduring it well because I’m innocent. How should I navigate the future?

After finishing the conversation, it was 2:30 PM. As it was time to leave for the airport, Sunim hurriedly packed up the broadcasting equipment and left the accommodation.

After an hour’s drive, Sunim arrived at Istanbul Airport. After checking in the luggage and completing departure procedures, he had a late lunch at the gate and took off from Istanbul Airport at 5:40 PM.

As soon as the plane reached cruising altitude, Sunim fell asleep immediately. He slept on the airplane seat for 9 hours and 40 minutes throughout the night.

The plane is scheduled to arrive at Incheon Airport at 9:20 AM tomorrow. After arriving in Korea and taking a brief rest, Sunim plans to give an online Dharma Q&A for medical personnel members of Jungto Society in the afternoon, and then move to Dubuk Retreat Center.