My Husband Hardly Speaks and It’s Driving Me Crazy

Good morning. A new day has dawned at the Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center. Today is the day of the sixth Dharma Q&A lecture of the 2024 Happy Dialogue series, taking place in Changwon, Gyeongnam Province.

Sunim began his day with dawn practice and meditation, followed by farm work. A month ago, lettuce seeds were sown, but perhaps due to climate change, many failed to sprout. Sunim planted new lettuce seedlings wherever sprouts hadn’t appeared. After washing and neatly arranging the tools used, he completed the morning’s communal work.

After finishing the farm work, the Dharma Assembly for leading members began at 10 AM. This is a monthly gathering where leading members discuss with Sunim the challenges they face in their Jungto Society activities.

The leading members requested a Dharma talk from Sunim with three bows. Sunim began with a greeting.

“This year has been exceptionally hot, but it seems that nothing can stop the arrival of autumn. I’m currently at the Dubuk Retreat Center, and the fields have all turned golden. It feels like we just planted the rice seedlings yesterday, but now the rice plants are bowing their heads, ready for harvest. This year, time seems to be passing especially quickly. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been traveling around the world, making time feel like it’s flying by, or maybe it’s because I’m over seventy now, and the downhill slope of life seems to be accelerating.” (Laughter)

Sunim then discussed several challenges that Jungto Society needs to address in the future and provided an overview of the activities of social action organizations such as The Peace Foundation and JTS.

After the explanation, Sunim engaged in a dialogue with those who had requested questions in advance. Three people pressed the raise hand button and asked questions to Sunim. One of them, who had been practicing for three years, asked if their sincere feelings of repentance indicated a certain level of progress in their practice.

When Feelings of Repentance Arise Sincerely, How Far Has One’s Practice Progressed?

“When I first started practicing diligently, repentance was the most difficult part. Perhaps due to three years of consistent practice, this year, after causing a minor fender bender, I felt a genuine sense of remorse, thinking ‘I really made a mistake.’ I sincerely felt sorry for the other driver. At that moment, I realized, ‘This is what repentance is.’ I also recalled an incident from when I was in high school, where I had picked flowers from the school garden that the principal had carefully tended, and brought them home a few times. Suddenly, I felt deeply remorseful about my actions from 30 years ago. Going through these experiences, I feel that I’m gradually moving towards the life of a practitioner. I think that as one’s practice deepens, all aspects of daily life might become lighter. If we were to divide the levels of practice into ten stages, at which stage would you say I am?”

“Didn’t Socrates say, ‘Know thyself’? This means understanding one’s own nature, karma, and habits. You need to know your own emotions. When you’re angry, you should recognize, ‘I’m angry now.’ When you make a mistake, you should acknowledge, ‘I made a mistake.’ If you fall, you should realize, ‘I’ve fallen.’ This is seeing things as they are. However, most people are so caught up in their own thoughts that they deny their anger, saying, ‘When did I get angry?’ or justify their greed by saying, ‘Doesn’t everyone have desires?’ In most cases, people don’t know themselves. We call someone who doesn’t know themselves at all an ‘ordinary being.’ The first step in practice is when you start to know yourself.

However, we shouldn’t approach practice too rigidly in terms of stages. This is because there are no clear-cut stages in practice like ‘I’ve completed stage 1, what’s next for stage 2?’ In the past, Theravada Buddhism once set up stages of practice. Later, when Mahayana Buddhism emerged, it rejected this stage-setting approach. Then, when Mahayana Buddhism also started setting up stages, Seon Buddhism again rejected this approach. This is because when you light a lamp in a dark cave, the cave doesn’t gradually become brighter. When you turn on the light, it becomes bright all at once, and when you turn it off, it becomes dark immediately. So, setting up stages in practice isn’t appropriate. Of course, you could set up stages in terms of how bright or dim the cave is. But in terms of whether the cave is lit or not, there can be no stages. When stages are set, side effects occur, leading to rejection, and when stages aren’t set, practice seems daunting, leading to stage-setting again. This process has repeated throughout history.

So, you should think, ‘There are no set stages. I’ve come to know myself.’ This awareness of oneself is both the beginning and the entirety of practice. That’s why it’s difficult to set stages. Because while it might be the first step in practice, if it’s consistently maintained, it can be considered the whole of practice.

You asked about which stage you might be at out of ten stages. If we were to set stages, you could understand it as stage 1. But does this mean enlightenment grows as you move to stage 2? We can’t say that. Because if the awareness of your state continues moment by moment, that itself is the entirety of practice. That’s why we say ‘Chobalsimsibyeonjeongak’ (初發心時便正覺), which means ‘The moment of first arousing the mind is the same as perfect enlightenment.’ What’s important is not reaching higher stages, but always being aware.”

“I understand well. Thank you.”

After taking and answering additional questions on the spot, the Dharma Assembly for leading members concluded at 11:30 AM.

After lunch, Sunim attended to office work indoors. At 4 PM, he visited the grave of his eldest brother who passed away last July, then met with local dignitaries for tea before heading to Changwon.

Today is the day of the first offline Dharma Q&A in Changwon since the COVID-19 pandemic. Sunim arrived at the Neul Pureun Hall, where the lecture is held at 6:30 PM as the sun was setting.

Many volunteers from the Changwon Happiness Center were preparing for the lecture in various places.

In addition to the 600 people who had pre-registered for the lecture, about 100 more arrived at the venue and waited to enter.

After watching the pre-performance together, the Dharma Q&A “Happy Dialogue” began at 7:30 PM. After watching a video introducing Sunim, he came on stage, and the 700 audience members greeted him with loud applause.

About 3,600 people connected to the YouTube live stream. First, those who had pre-submitted questions asked Sunim, followed by impromptu questions from the audience. Eight people conversed with Sunim over two hours. There were questions with various stories from different age groups. One of them expressed her frustration about her husband who hardly speaks, making it difficult to live together.

I’m Frustrated Because My Husband Hardly Speaks

“I’ve been married for 15 years, but we’ve never had a fight. It’s not because we get along well, but because my husband doesn’t talk back even when I complain. He hardly speaks at all. For example, when I went to get the car inspected, it was already done. When I called him and asked, ‘Did you do it?’ he just said, ‘Yes.’ He doesn’t even tell me that he got the car inspected. Also, when I prepare a meal and ask, ‘Are you going to eat or not?’ he should answer ‘I’ll eat’ or ‘I won’t eat.’ But he doesn’t answer. If I ask again, he says ‘Eat.’ Then I don’t know if that means he’s going to eat or not, and it drives me crazy. He just needs to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No,’ but he doesn’t speak, so I have to ask several times. If he only did this to me, I’d think it was my karma, but he never speaks affectionately to the kids first either. So I’m seriously considering whether I should continue living with this person. I’m even thinking about divorce. I’ve been trying to endure it because the kids are still young, but now I’ve reached my limit. I take care of the kids and do all the housework. I’m not asking for much from my husband. I just want him to talk a little, but he doesn’t, and it’s so frustrating. How can I get my husband to open up?”

“The questioner should stop talking.” (Laughter)

“I’m the type of person who needs to verbalize to relieve stress. But even I don’t talk much at home. Still, aren’t there things that must be said between people?”

“There’s nothing that must be said. The thought that ‘there are things that must be said’ is mistaken. Do you have a dog at home?”

“No, I don’t have a dog.”

“Try getting a dog. Does a dog answer when you ask it questions? Dogs are easy to keep because they don’t talk. Do you ask a dog, ‘Do you want to eat or not? Speak!’ Or do you just give it food?”

“I just give it food without asking.”

“You’re thinking about this the wrong way. You can just say ‘Honey, dinner’s ready’ or ‘Let’s eat,’ why ask ‘Do you want to eat or not?’ If you just say ‘Let’s eat,’ he’ll say he doesn’t want to eat if he doesn’t, and if he wants to eat, he’ll come and eat without saying anything. The problem is that you keep asking ‘Do you want to eat or not?’ From now on, if you think of it like raising a puppy, there won’t be any problems. (Laughter)

Your husband takes care of his own needs, right? And he even got the car inspected for you. If you were going to get the car inspected and found out it was already done, couldn’t you just say ‘Oh, that’s great’? Which is easier: driving the car to get it inspected yourself or hearing that the inspection is already done?”

“But he doesn’t tell me that he got it inspected!”

“Which is easier: going to the car repair shop, getting the inspection done, and bringing the car back, or asking and finding out it’s already been done?”

“Yes, I understand.”

“Your husband isn’t causing you any harm. If you keep treating your husband as a problem, your children will start to think their father is problematic. If you stop seeing it as a problem, there is no problem with your husband. If the children ask, ‘Why doesn’t Dad talk?’ you should say, ‘Your father is someone who does everything without needing to talk.’ Then the children will grow up fine without any issues. It might be hard for you not to have someone to talk to, but you can go to the bathroom and talk to yourself.”

“Yes, I understand.”

“I understand that you feel frustrated. It can be frustrating when there’s no back-and-forth communication. But getting a divorce over something like this isn’t advisable. It might be different if you didn’t have children, but that doesn’t seem right. I understand how you feel, but there’s no real problem because he’s not causing you any harm.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s true that your husband isn’t doing as much as you want. But he’s not causing you any particular harm. Compared to raising a puppy, your husband talks more than a puppy, right? (Laughter)

In fact, there are many good points about not talking much. A few days ago, I was doing a Dharma Q&A in Australia, and a man asked me this question:

‘A few days ago, a puppy came into our house, and that puppy’s status in the house became higher than mine. From my perspective, the puppy hasn’t done anything, so what kind of good karma did it accumulate in its past life to come in and immediately have a higher status than me?’

Why do you think the puppy’s status in the house became higher?”

“Probably because everyone in the family likes the puppy.”

“It’s because the puppy doesn’t nag. Why do people keep dogs instead of people? It’s much better than raising people because dogs don’t talk back. If you have a dog at home, you can’t travel because there’s no one to take care of it. People are much easier to raise because you can leave them with others, and they can feed themselves, but people are hard to raise because they nag or talk back. So your husband is the easiest person to live with. (Laughter)

Depending on how I view it, it can be a problem whether the husband talks or not. That’s why the middle way is important. The middle way means letting the other person not talk if they don’t want to, and letting them talk if they want to. But your husband isn’t at that level. Always think, ‘At least my husband doesn’t cause me any harm.’ This way, you won’t suffer.”

“I understand well. Thank you.”

The questions continued to pour in.

After finishing the dialogue, Sunim gave his closing remarks.

“There’s no definitive answer to what constitutes living life well. Whatever you choose, you must take responsibility for it. Who created your current self? You did. It’s true that society played a role, but even if someone throws bait, you can avoid it if you recognize it as such. If you don’t recognize it and take the bait, you’ll inevitably get hooked. Saying ‘They shouldn’t have thrown the bait’ is pointless because someone already did, and you’ve already been caught. So, learn from the experience: ‘Next time, I should be careful even when I see immediate benefits. I’ve been hooked once and my lip was torn; let’s not repeat the same mistake.’ Improve through experience. With this perspective, I hope you all live happily.”

The lecture concluded with a big round of applause.

Immediately after, a book signing session was held on stage. Most of the attendees lined up to receive Sunim’s signature and greet him personally.

“Sunim, thank you so much. My life has become happier because of you.”

Some expressed their gratitude to Sunim with three full bows.

After the book signing, Sunim took a commemorative photo with the volunteers who had prepared for the lecture.

“Changwon, fighting!”

After expressing his gratitude to the volunteers, Sunim left the lecture hall.

“Thank you all for your hard work.”

After leaving the lecture hall, Sunim departed from Changwon and headed towards the Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center.

After a 1 hour and 10 minute drive, Sunim arrived at the Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center at 11 PM, concluding his day’s activities.

Tomorrow, Sunim is scheduled to give a Dharma talk at the commemoration ceremony for Master Yongseong’s enlightenment day at Adomorye Won in Gumi in the morning. In the afternoon, he will attend the Daegu-Gyeongbuk branch members’ day event and give a Dharma Q&A lecture.