Sep 14, 2024 – Transiting Through Korea, Moving to Seattle
Hello. Today is the day Sunim is traveling to Seattle via Korea for a lecture tour in the North American West Coast region.
Sunim departed from East Timor yesterday at 1:20 PM and arrived at Incheon International Airport at 7:30 AM after transiting through Bali and Hanoi airports. He fell asleep while seated and when he woke up, the sun had risen outside the window.
Choosing the most economical travel option resulted in an 18-hour journey to reach Korea.
After exiting Incheon International Airport, Sunim headed directly to the Seoul Jungto Center.
After a brief rest, Sunim held a meeting with Jungto Society staff members from 1:30 PM to discuss the schedule for the latter half of the year. Staff from the Secretariat, International Cooperation Team, and JTS gathered to review the schedules for September, October, November, and December, and coordinated on areas that needed improvement.
After discussing the details of overseas schedules for the latter half of the year, including participation in the INEB conference, visits to Bhutan and Mindanao, Philippines, the meeting concluded at 3 PM.
Immediately after the meeting, Sunim headed back to Incheon International Airport to board another flight.
After checking in luggage and completing departure procedures, Sunim boarded a flight to Seattle, USA, departing from Incheon International Airport at 6:15 PM.
On the plane, Sunim proofread manuscripts and handled some work before settling in to sleep while seated.
Tomorrow, after a 10-hour and 30-minute flight, Sunim is scheduled to arrive at Seattle International Airport at 12:45 PM local time.
As there was no Dharma talk today, we’ll conclude this post by sharing a conversation between Sunim and a questioner from the Dharma Q&A held in Brisbane, Australia, on the 10th.
I Really Dislike My Self-Centered Mother
“I feel guilty.”
“Your mother is the one who gave birth to you and raised you. Because a mother raises her child from infancy, she thinks she can continue to have her way even after the child is grown. But do grown children listen to their parents? They don’t. If children don’t listen to their parents, do you think parents will do what their children tell them to do?”
“I know my mother won’t change, so I don’t know what kind of attitude I should have. It’s really difficult.”
“You say you know your mother won’t change, but you don’t know what attitude to have. What does that mean? I don’t understand that statement either.” (Laughs)
“I really dislike my mother.”
“Why do you dislike her? She’s living her life as she wants, so why do you dislike her?”
“For example, when I call her, it’s always ‘me, me, me, me’ like that.”
“It’s because your mother lived with that ‘me, me, me’ attitude that she was able to give birth to someone like you and survive until now. If she didn’t have that level of self-centeredness, how could she have given birth and raised a child in such difficult times?”
“Sometimes when I talk to my mother, I want to rely on her and sometimes I want to discuss my concerns. I don’t want to have conversations like we’re having now at all.”
“Your mother has raised you this much, how old are you now to still want to rely on and consult with your mother? Isn’t that thought itself wrong? You’re criticizing your mother while still trying to get something from her. You’re blaming your mother because she’s not giving you what you want, but that attitude is really wrong.”
“I’m worried because I feel like I don’t want to contact my mother anymore.”
“If you don’t want to contact her, then don’t. What’s the problem with that? That’s your freedom. You just said, ‘I want to rely on my mother a bit, and I want to consult with her about my concerns.’ These are all your demands. You’re saying that your mother should meet your demands, right? No matter how much you beat around the bush, that’s what you’re saying. But your mother raised you well until you were over twenty. Shouldn’t you be trying to help your mother now, either materially or emotionally, instead of still thinking that your mother should do what you want? This proves that you’re not yet an adult. You’re still thinking like a child. You’ve only grown older and bigger, but you’re living with childish thoughts. I can only see you as still being in a state where you whine and cry to your mother, saying ‘Do this for me!'”
“Then should I not contact my mother?”
“Isn’t the reason you don’t want to contact her because she’s not doing what you want?”
“It’s because I don’t like hearing what my mother says every time I call her.”
“What kind of things does your mother say?”
“She keeps talking about how difficult things are for her.”
“Is it wrong for a mother to share her difficulties with her grown daughter? It seems like you’re saying you’re upset because you wanted to talk about your difficulties to your mother, but she beat you to it and started talking about her difficulties first. Why don’t you share your difficulties with me like you’re doing today, and try listening to your mother’s difficulties? What’s so hard about that? Is your father not around?”
“My parents are divorced.”
“A divorced woman living alone in her old age must have many worries, right? Who can she talk to about these worries? If she had a husband, she could at least talk to him, but without one, she has to talk to her children. It’s easier to talk to a daughter than a son. It would be nice if the daughter could listen to her mother’s concerns. You could say, ‘Yes, Mom. I see. Oh, that must be hard.’ and then end the call. It’s not that difficult.
You’re afraid because you feel burdened by what you think you should do for your mother. Your mother isn’t asking you to do anything, she’s just venting a little. If she vents, just listen. If your mother’s venting is too long and hard to listen to, you could put one ear to Venerable Pomnyun’s Dharma Q&A and just pretend to listen with the other ear on the phone, saying ‘Yes, Mom. I see.’ Your mother would be happy with just that. Even psychiatrists are at risk of developing mental illnesses if they keep listening to patients repeating what they’ve said before. It’s because they’re constantly dealing with mentally ill patients, so the mental illness can be transferred. That’s why there are separate doctors who counsel psychiatrists. One of the various treatment methods that psychiatrists use in such cases is to put an earphone in one ear and listen to the patient’s story with the other ear. This is because the core of psychiatric counseling is to help patients tell their own stories. It may seem like they’re meeting the patient’s demands, but they’re actually helping the patient to open up. Similarly, what special demands would your mother have for her child? She’s just venting her frustrations.
For example, after listening to your mother’s story, you could think, ‘She needs a man!’ That’s how you should take it. At times like this, finding her a gentleman friend would be filial piety. When your mother says she’s dating someone, don’t get angry and say, ‘What man at your age?’ The older you get, the more you need friends. Listen carefully to your mother’s story and if there’s something you can do, do it. If you can’t, that’s okay too. You don’t need to feel burdened about not being able to help. This is because children have no obligation to take care of their parents. Once a child turns twenty, parents no longer have an obligation to take care of their children, and children no longer have an obligation to listen to their parents. It becomes an adult-to-adult relationship. They help each other if needed. There’s no obligation to help.
So if you’re too busy to answer the phone, don’t answer. Even if you do answer, you can say, ‘Mom, I know you’re having a hard time, but I have something urgent to do. I’ll call you later,’ and hang up. You can call back when you have time later. And when you have time, listen to your mother’s story a bit. If it’s hard to listen, you can wear an earphone in one ear while listening. If you do this, it won’t be that difficult.”
“I understand well. Thank you.”
