How Can We Avoid Stress in Human Relationships?

Hello. Today, Sunim begins his tour of the Oceania continent with Dharma Q&A sessions. The first stop is Sydney, where he will give a lecture with English interpretation.

Sunim departed from Bangkok airport at 10:20 PM last night and slept in his airplane seat throughout the night.

As the morning sun began to spread its golden light through the airplane window, Sunim awoke and prepared for landing.

At 10:30 AM, Sunim arrived at Sydney Airport, completed immigration procedures, and exited the airport. Jung Eunji, the head of Jungto Society’s overseas branch and the overall coordinator for the Oceania tour, warmly welcomed Sunim with a bouquet of flowers.

“Welcome to Australia, Sunim.”

After taking a commemorative photo with Pyo Jeongmin, who will be driving during the stay in Sydney, they headed to the accommodation by car.

While traveling, the coordinator explained how they promoted the lecture to Australians.

“One volunteer went around Sydney with his son to put up lecture posters. The son said, ‘Even if it stays up for just two days, it’s a great success!’ So the volunteers really worked hard on promotion. We have over 70 registered participants.”

The overseas branch of Jungto Society arranged accommodation through Airbnb and prepared meals. After thanking the members, Sunim had lunch and rested in the afternoon to recover from the long journey.

After sufficient rest and preparation, Sunim left the accommodation at 6:40 PM and headed to the lecture venue.

After a 30-minute drive through downtown Sydney, they arrived at the venue. Today’s lecture is being held at Parquetry Hall, operated by the Sydney School of Entrepreneurship.

As Sunim arrived at the venue, volunteers were warmly welcoming lecture participants everywhere. Among the volunteers were Australians who had graduated from Jungto Dharma School, a Buddhist university for non-Korean speakers.

Volunteers had diligently put up lecture posters all over Sydney. About 70 people came to listen to the lecture titled “Casual Conversation with Ven. Pomnyun Sunim.”

At 7:30 PM, Sunim walked onto the stage amidst loud applause.

First, Sunim greeted everyone with a bright smile. As Sunim spoke, the interpreter immediately followed.

Sunim began the conversation by sharing his experiences from visiting Bhutan over the past week.

“I left Korea and traveled through several countries before arriving in Sydney today. Before coming here, I visited Bhutan. In Bhutan, I conducted a two-day workshop with local officials to create a new model for sustainable development in the era of climate crisis. Under the slogan ‘Let’s make our village more beautiful before asking others for help,’ they are working on local development together with residents. Of course, major projects like building large roads or power plants need to be done by the government or with foreign support. However, for small-scale projects within the village, they are now carrying out a voluntary movement in Bhutan, saying ‘Let’s cultivate our village ourselves’ instead of waiting for external support.

Many people are unable to live their own lives and ask others or gods for help. But why can’t humans, who are considered the lords of all creation, manage their own lives? Even wild animals and tiny insects, which are much weaker than humans, live their own lives independently. It’s worth considering why humans, who are supposed to be far superior, can’t live on their own strength and need to ask others for help. Upon closer examination, we can see that this is not an ecological problem. It’s a problem caused by human misconceptions. Especially in developed countries, people relying on others or gods for their lives should be seen as a mental issue.

All suffering is created by my own mind

The activity I’m currently doing around the world is to help people adopt the perspective of ‘living my life independently.’ To do this, we need to realize that our suffering and stress don’t come from others or from outside, but from our own foolishness. If we can break free from this foolishness, we can all live freely and happily. This gathering today is an opportunity for you to share your troubles or stresses instead of struggling alone, so we can work through them together through conversation. Let’s examine where the cause of suffering lies and free ourselves from it to live freely.

With the development of artificial intelligence and improved search capabilities these days, there’s no need to discuss knowledge-based issues here. That’s because you can find all that information by searching the internet. However, the suffering and stress we experience aren’t easily resolved by talking about them somewhere. Most people end up going to psychiatrists or counseling centers, but those places require payment for consultation. Here, however, you don’t need to pay, and there are no restrictions on topics – anyone can engage in conversation. If you have any difficulties or questions that arise in your life, feel free to ask. Shall we begin?”

Then, anyone could raise their hand and ask Sunim questions and engage in conversation. Over the course of two hours, six people asked Sunim questions. One of them sought Sunim’s advice on how to have patience when struggling because of others.

How Can We Avoid Stress in Human Relationships?

“How can I have patience even when I’m struggling because of other people?”

“Patience means enduring. Why do you need to endure?”

“I think I need to have patience to live with people at home or at work. Because even though the other person stresses me out, I still want to be there for them.”

“When you say you need patience in a certain situation, it means you’re experiencing stress in that situation. Instead of thinking ‘How can I endure this?’, you should think ‘Why am I feeling stressed?’ In other words, we shouldn’t focus on the result, but always examine the cause first. For example, saying that I need to have patience with my wife means that my wife is causing me stress and I’m enduring it. In this case, we should first examine what actions of my wife are causing me stress. Your wife isn’t saying or doing these things to stress you out. She’s just living according to her own style. It’s just that you don’t like it, so you’re feeling stressed.

This isn’t a matter of endurance. It’s a question of whether you can acknowledge that your wife is different from you and respect her as she is. If you can do that, you won’t feel stressed. ‘From my wife’s perspective, she might think that way.’ If you understand like this, you won’t feel stressed. This understanding based on acceptance is love. Saying that I like you is just my desire. Desire turns into hatred and resentment when the other person doesn’t accept my love. However, if you understand the other person as they are, you’ll never feel hatred or anger. Understanding is love. Love without understanding is violence. Sexual harassment and sexual violence occur when there’s no understanding of the other person’s conditions and one acts solely based on their own desires. Therefore, if you’re feeling stressed because of someone else, you first need to acknowledge that you and the other person are different. My wife is different from me, my children are different from me, and my superiors and juniors at work are different from me. When you acknowledge that we’re all different, anger doesn’t arise in your mind and your mind becomes peaceful.

For example, let’s say I’m the owner of a store selling this pen. The selling price is $5. If a customer comes and asks for it at $1, you might think, ‘Are they trying to get it for free? What kind of customer is this?’ and feel upset. However, from the customer’s perspective, it’s natural to want to buy anything as cheaply as possible, right? It’s a common psychological tendency for everyone to want to buy cheap and sell expensive. If you understand that ‘This customer really wants to buy it very cheaply,’ you won’t feel stressed. In other words, if you accept the other person as they are, your mind becomes at ease.

If the customer seems to be in a very difficult financial situation, you might even want to give them the item for free. In that case, if the customer offers even $1, you’d feel grateful, wouldn’t you? If not, and you think ‘I absolutely can’t sell the item for $1,’ you can explain the reason.

‘I’d like to sell it to you for $1, but the cost price is $3, and considering rent and labor costs, I need to charge $5 to make a living.’

You can explain this to the customer. Then you can continue your business without feeling stressed. Therefore, the question ‘How should I endure when customers stress me out while doing business?’ is not a logical question. The reason for stress is not the customer’s attitude, but your own desires.”

“That’s a sufficient answer. Thank you.”

The questions continued.

I grew up in a traditional patriarchal family environment. I’m struggling because of my mother and siblings whose values don’t align with mine. Should I cut off the relationship, or how should I deal with this?

I’m experiencing a lot of stress trying to control my emotions and everything around me. How can I find peace of mind?

Buddhism says we should accept thoughts different from our own, but as someone with ADHD, I find this difficult. How can I find happiness?

Have you now found an answer to the question your master asked you when you were young: “Where do you come from and where are you going?”

I think the development of artificial intelligence (AI) will have many negative impacts on the world. How should we address this situation where people are only pursuing convenience without worrying about the risks?

After finishing the lecture at 9:30 PM, a book signing session was immediately held on stage.

While signing books, Sunim made eye contact and greeted each person individually. Participants expressed their gratitude, saying they had listened well to today’s lecture.

“I recently completed the Introduction to Buddhism I of the Jungto Dharma School. Now, I am continuing my studies in the Introduction to Buddhism II. Thanks to you, my life has become so much happier.”

After the book signing, Sunim took a commemorative photo with the volunteers who prepared the lecture. Everyone shouted “Sydney!” energetically.

“Sydney!”

After expressing gratitude to the volunteers, Sunim headed to his accommodation. The volunteers shared their thoughts with Dharma teacher Myodeok and then cleaned up the lecture hall.

Sunim arrived at his accommodation after 10 PM and concluded his day’s activities.

Tomorrow, Sunim plans to visit the Blue Mountains outside of Sydney, give a Dharma Q&A lecture for Korean expatriates living in Sydney, conduct the Friday live Dharma Q&A broadcast, and have a meeting with Sydney Jungto Society members.