I'm Torn About Whether to Return to Work While Raising My 19-Month-Old

Hello. Today marks the third day of Sunim's peace pilgrimage in Sri Lanka. He traveled to Anuradhapura to visit the major Buddhist sacred sites and then moved on to Jaffna.

After morning meditation and practice, Sunim took a walk near the accommodation at 6 a.m. He walked up along the road.

While walking, he spotted a large rocky mountain and climbed up. Like the mountain where the Dambulla Cave Temple was located, which he had visited the day before, it was a granite mountain. When he reached the top, the wind was blowing strongly.

Sunim sat down for a moment and rested while looking down at the mountain below. The view was beautiful.

After finishing the walk, Sunim returned to the accommodation at 7 a.m. Sunim and his group had a simple breakfast and boarded the vehicle at 7:40 a.m. to depart for Anuradhapura.

In the moving vehicle, Sunim explained about Anuradhapura to the religious leaders.

"Anuradhapura is the most important city in Sri Lankan Buddhist history. Around the 3rd century BCE, King Ashoka sent his son, the Elder Mahinda, to Sri Lanka to spread Buddhism. Elder Mahinda met the king of that time and transmitted the Buddha's teachings, and as the king embraced Buddhism, it took root in Sri Lanka. The full moon day a few days ago commemorates that very event, and countless people gathered for a large ceremony. You must have seen many tents and shops along the roadside on your way here—that was probably a market set up because of the event.

And around the 1st century, the Buddha's teachings were recorded in writing for the first time. At that time in India, Brahmins used Sanskrit, but the Buddha preached in Pali, the language people used in daily life. His teachings were passed down orally for a long time, and it is said that they were first recorded in writing here in Sri Lanka. This place was originally the center of an ancient kingdom that lasted for 1,300 years. However, around the 10th century, Tamil forces from southern India invaded and the kingdom fell. Afterwards, the region was divided into the Tamil kingdom in the north and the Sinhalese kingdom in the south, with various kingdoms rising and falling. Then in the 17th century, the Kandy Kingdom emerged as the last dynasty. To draw a simple analogy, Anuradhapura is like Gyeongju(경주) in Korea, and Kandy is like Seoul. Colombo, on the other hand, is a city that developed during the Western colonial era. That's why ancient stupas and ruins are concentrated in this area. During the kingdom's prosperous period, irrigation systems developed greatly, and many artificial reservoirs were built. Most of the reservoirs that remain today were built during that time. You can imagine them as being similar to Uirimji(의림지) reservoir in Korea. Also, it is said that Sanghamitta, King Ashoka's daughter, brought a Bodhi tree and planted it here, and that Bodhi tree still remains today. The current Bodhi tree in Bodh Gaya, India, actually withered long ago, and it is said that a branch from this tree was transplanted there, allowing the lineage to continue. This place has the oldest stupa, the largest stupa, and the oldest Bodhi tree all together. There are two main reasons for our visit here. One is to meet with the Buddhist monks here, and the other is to tour the historical sites. The new city has been newly developed to the southeast, while most of the area where we are now consists of ruins. The Dambulla Cave Temple and Sigiriya we visited yesterday were also all places used by kings of this dynasty as places of refuge or hiding."

At 9:30 a.m., Sunim arrived at the Ruwanweliseya Temple in Anuradhapura.

Sunim and his group met and greeted the abbot (The Most Ven. Eethalawetunuwewe Gnanathilaka Thero), who oversees the eight major sacred sites of Anuradhapura.

The abbot introduced them to Ruwanweliseya Temple. He explained that the temple has a history of about 2,150 years, and that flower offerings continue every day, producing about eight truckloads of flowers a day, with about two truckloads of milk rice porridge offerings in the morning. This gave a sense of how many people visit this sacred site. He also mentioned that the temple operates various social welfare facilities, including an orphanage, a nursing home, facilities for people with disabilities, and a vocational training center.

The abbot explained that a temple is not only a place for prayer but also a place that works for society. He noted that humanity will face new challenges in the coming era, such as water shortages and AI, and that in such times, the role of religion in caring for the human heart and guiding society will become even more important.

"One of the biggest problems humanity will face in the future is drinking water. Of all the water on Earth, only about 1% is clean water that people can drink. Clean air is also becoming increasingly important. In addition, weapons technology is developing in directions that utilize biology, neuroscience, and biochemistry, and with AI added to the mix, the dangers humanity faces are growing even greater. I believe that in such times, the role religion must play will grow larger. Looking at Korea, I hear that temples are gradually decreasing in Seoul and other areas. Looking at this phenomenon, it seems that people are increasingly making judgments with their heads rather than their hearts. So going forward, religious leaders must consider how to guide these very people. Nowadays, with the development of medical equipment and scientific technology, people's bodies are much healthier than before. However, mental health is actually experiencing many difficulties. More and more people are suffering from depression, fear, terror, and panic, and we are becoming an era where humanity itself is being lost.

Being born as a human being is a very precious thing. Therefore, since we are born as human beings, we must live happily. For example, when someone uses an old iPhone and a new model is released, they suddenly feel unhappy. But to maintain happiness for a long time, one must know how to be satisfied with one's current life rather than continually acquiring new things."

Sunim presented gifts he had prepared from Korea. The abbot also gave Sunim a stupa model as a gift and presented prayer beads to each member of the visiting group.

After the conversation, Reverend Park Nam-soo (박남수), who was deeply moved, said:

"The abbot is a truly modern leader who reads the trends of the times very well."

After leaving the temple, they paid their respects by circumambulating the stupa. Many people were paying their respects. Sunim and his group took off their shoes and circumambulated the stupa. Under the scorching sun of over 30 degrees Celsius, the ground was so heated that the soles of their feet were very hot.

After the circumambulation, Sunim and his group moved to see the Bodhi tree of Anuradhapura. At 10:40 a.m., they arrived at the temple where the Bodhi tree stands and paid their respects. This Bodhi tree is a branch of the Bodhi tree in Bodh Gaya, under which the Buddha attained enlightenment, brought to Sri Lanka by Sanghamitta, the daughter of King Ashoka of India, in the 3rd century BCE. Since the Bodhi tree was inside a fence, Sunim and his group viewed it from outside the fence.

"This tree was planted with a branch brought from the Bodhi tree in Bodh Gaya, where the Buddha attained enlightenment. The part supported by the golden support is the original tree. Over time, some branches withered and died while new branches grew, and it has continued this way to the present day. About 150 years ago, the original Bodhi tree in Bodh Gaya died, and at that time, a branch was taken from this tree and replanted there. So the Bodhi tree currently in Bodh Gaya can also be said to be a descendant of this tree. When I first visited here 30 years ago, it wasn't as well-maintained as it is now. At that time, they pointed to a very small branch among many branches and explained, 'This is the original Bodhi tree.'"

After paying respects to the Bodhi tree, they had the lunch prepared by the abbot.

After finishing lunch, everyone boarded the bus around 12 p.m. to head to Jaffna. From inside the moving bus, they briefly viewed the remaining sacred sites of Anuradhapura.

They passed by the Jetavana Stupa, said to be the largest of the eight sacred sites. Mr. Suchith of the Sri Lanka Engaged Buddhism network joined them in the vehicle and introduced the sacred sites. He explained that the Jetavana Stupa they were passing was the largest stupa in Sri Lanka and had once been one of the largest man-made structures in the world. It was the third-largest structure after the two Great Pyramids of Giza in Egypt, larger than the third pyramid, standing about 122 meters tall, and tens of millions of bricks were used in its construction. The area around the Jetavana Stupa was once a vast temple complex, and at its peak, about 10,000 practitioners lived and practiced here. He also explained that after Elder Mahinda, the son of King Ashoka, brought Buddhism to Sri Lanka, King Devanampiyatissa dedicated the entire city of Anuradhapura to the Sangha and declared it a sacred site.

Outside the vehicle window, small stupas and ruins continued to appear here and there. Mr. Suchith explained that since the entire Anuradhapura is one great archaeological city, such small stupas can be seen everywhere, and they often contain the relics of eminent monks or historical artifacts.

They had planned to meet with Mr. Harsha, the chairman of INEB, in Jaffna tomorrow, but he contacted them saying he would meet them today on the way to Jaffna. Since there was a famous Hindu temple along the way, Sunim and his group briefly stopped the vehicle to meet Mr. Harsha and tour the Hindu temple.

It was a temple called Murikandy Pillaya. Mr. Harsha introduced this temple as a place where travelers have long broken coconuts to pray for safe journeys. So Sunim and the visitors also decided to pray that their itinerary would end without incident. It is a ritual in which one lights a coconut on fire, prays, and then throws it to the ground to break it. Reverend Park Nam-soo performed the ritual as the representative.

Reverend Park Nam-soo lit the coconut on fire and moved to the place where the coconut would be broken. Before throwing the coconut to the ground, he prayed briefly and then threw the coconut down forcefully. When the coconut broke well, the group all clapped and cheered.

"I was worried you might not break it, but you're stronger than I am!"

"I was worried I wouldn't be able to break it either, but fortunately it broke. (laughs)"

Mr. Harsha explained:

"During the Sri Lankan civil war, LTTE (Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam) soldiers would visit this temple before going into battle with government forces and break coconuts to pray for victory and safe return."

Hearing this, Sunim said:

"They prayed to win the war, but we prayed for peace. (laughs)"

At 3:30 p.m., they went to a nearby tea shop and took a brief rest while having a cup of tea.

Since Reverend Anura was not feeling well and had to return to Colombo, Ms. Firdous Mauria also traveled back with him. So the meeting scheduled for this afternoon was postponed to be held in Colombo since the two religious leaders were absent, and they decided to rest early once they arrived at the accommodation.

At 5:30 p.m., Sunim and his group arrived at Jaffna, the northernmost point of Sri Lanka. After unpacking at the accommodation and taking a brief rest and preparation, they had dinner at 7 p.m.

After dinner, Sunim revised a manuscript and then rested.

Tomorrow, they plan to visit the Nallur Kandaswamy Temple, meet with a Hindu priest, and visit the St. Agnes Church in Mankulam.

Since there was no Dharma talk today, this post concludes with the content of a Dharma Q&A held last May.

I'm Torn About Whether to Return to Work While Raising My 19-Month-Old

"I'm a mother raising a 19-month-old baby. I'm currently on parental leave, but I'm scheduled to return to work next month. If I go back to work, I have to send my child to daycare at 8 a.m. and pick him up at 7 p.m., so I can only spend one or two hours with him a day. So I'm wondering if I should quit, but above all, I'm worried about finances. I've been at my current job for 10 years, the work is relatively easy, and the salary is good, so it's a shame to quit. Also, if my career is interrupted, I'm at a loss about what kind of work I'll be able to do later, so I can't easily make a decision. Even if I find a new job a few years later, I think it will be more difficult and pay less than now, so I hesitate. People around me tell me to hang in there, saying that if I work at a good company, my child will be proud of me later. Moreover, my husband will be leaving his job next month due to company circumstances, so I wonder if I should keep working. But I also really want to be with my child, and I feel sorry that I might be putting a financial burden on my husband. When I'm with my child, I'm so happy that I don't want to miss this time, but when I think about reality, I get scared again. In this situation, what would be the best choice for me?"

"Life isn't always about being able to make the best choice. Sometimes we get to choose the best, but sometimes we have to choose the second-best, and sometimes there are situations where even the second-best is hard to describe. In those cases, we have to choose the lesser evil to avoid the worst. Choosing the lesser evil means choosing a path that involves loss. But when we have no choice, we have to accept some loss. Then, the only question left is whether to lose a lot or a little. In such cases, we should choose the option that involves less loss. This is life. But being foolish, we sometimes try to avoid the option with less loss and end up making an even greater loss—that is, the worst choice. It's like trying to avoid a wolf and running into a tiger. If your husband works and you can care for the child until they are 36 months old, that might be the best choice for the child. But life doesn't always come with such ideal conditions. As things stand now, with your husband leaving his job and you needing to maintain a stable job, it's difficult to make only the best choice for the child. So even if it's not the best, you have to choose the second-best. For the child, having the mother present during this period is best. However, raising a child also requires an economic foundation, and various conditions need to be met together. So even if it's not a 100-point choice right now, you can make, say, a 90-point choice that helps in the long term. If you think that way, you'll have to accept that some things for the child will be a bit lacking. To use a shoe analogy, if you wear light shoes, your soles may hurt, and if you wear thick shoes for comfort, you have to accept the heaviness. Your child is now 19 months old, close to two years old, so the period requiring the most hands-on care has somewhat passed. In this situation, if you return to work and send your child to daycare, but your husband stays home for a while, he can fill the mother's absence to some extent. In return, you should minimize additional work after hours or outings like company dinners or gatherings, and have the perspective that your time outside of work belongs entirely to your child. So after work, don't make any other plans, and even if the company offers more money, you should clearly say, 'I can't because of my child,' and go home. When you come home, put other things off and spend time with your child. Rather than thinking, 'I can only see him a few hours a day,' it's important to secure as much time with the child as possible by spending even two or three hours together fully, and by spending time together in the morning as well. It's good to accept that time not as a burden but as happy time spent with your child. In life, there is no path where both options are the best. To maintain one, you have to accept some loss on the other. In the current situation, it's difficult to make only the best choice for the child. Then you have to go in the direction of making up for what's lacking. For example, spend as much time as possible with your child after work, and also spend enough time with your child in the morning before sending them to daycare. Continuing your work life within that scope is the realistic choice. Also, until the child turns three, you don't have to strive to do housework perfectly. You can do a little less housework, and making up for it on weekends is enough. During this period, it's good to boldly let go of weekend company events, extra work, or promotion opportunities. Make it clear that 'if I have to do all that, I'd rather quit,' and ask for the company's understanding. This is because now is the time to focus on the child rather than achievements at work. However, it's necessary to have an unwavering perspective—fulfilling your responsibilities to maintain your current position at work but not being greedy for more. If you hold that perspective firmly, returning to work should be fine. Here, the perspective is not about how much time you spend with the child, but about how important the child is to you. It's not the attitude of 'work is more important, so I'm leaving the child in someone else's care,' but rather 'I have no choice but to go to work, but the number one priority in my life is you.' It's important that this feeling is conveyed to the child. If you were self-employed and could work with the baby on your back, you could raise even a one-month-old. If you return to work with that perspective, it's fine."

"My husband says there's a high chance he'll be able to find a new job, and he has some savings we can live on. If we assume my husband will find a new job, what would you think about me quitting?"

"Whatever choice you make, it's ultimately yours to make. However, as you said, if you quit your job because of the child, you must be able to accept that choice without any regret. But if it becomes difficult to find a new job later or the situation worsens, and you find yourself thinking, 'I should have kept working,' then from that moment on, the child becomes the one who obstructed your life. If you develop feelings like 'I'm suffering like this because of you,' that's not good for the child. This isn't simply a matter of money. If money is needed, you can even borrow to solve it. But in your value system, quitting your job now would be at a level where you would later regret it. If you have the conviction that 'It's okay if my career is interrupted, and it's okay whatever work I end up doing. Being with my child is more important to me,' then it's fine to quit. But if you continue to worry about your subsequent career or finances as you do now, keeping your job is a better option for now. It's important to be a confident mother; you shouldn't become a mother who says she chose for the child's sake but inwardly resents the child. Therefore, I think it's more appropriate to choose the path of continuing to work while doing your best for the child within that framework."

"Yes, thank you."