April 25, 2025 – 68th Day of the 100-Day Dharma Talk, Friday Dharma Q&A
Hello, this is the 68th day of Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s 100-Day Dharma Talk. Today, a Friday Dharma Q&A session is being held, open to all citizens.
After completing his morning practice and meditation, Sunim headed to the Jungto Social and Cultural Center to conduct the Friday Dharma Q&A session. Volunteers had arrived early to welcome citizens who came to attend the Q&A.
At 10:15 AM, everyone recited the Three Refuges and Words for Practice together. Before beginning the Q&A session, Kim Jin-sook, a Jungto Society volunteer, sang “Song of the Wind,” expressing her wish that everyone would receive abundant Dharma rain like the brightness of a spring day.
With about 250 people in attendance and around 3,200 viewers connected to the YouTube livestream, Sunim immediately began conversing with questioners.
During the hour and a half session, six people asked Sunim questions. One person sought Sunim’s advice on how to deal with overhearing her brother-in-law and his wife gossiping about her and her husband.
Overhearing Gossip About Me and Feeling Hurt
“You need to continue treatment at the hospital. The problem isn’t with them but stems from your mental vulnerability. Everyone in the world gossips about others. Would you prefer they speak ill of you to your face? Or is it better that they do it when you’re not around?”
“It’s better if they do it when I’m not around.”
“While it would be best if they didn’t speak ill of you at all, if they must, it’s better they do it when you’re not present. They’re actually being considerate of you by gossiping when you can’t hear them.” (Laughter)
People in this world criticize presidents, presidential candidates, and even the Buddha. In such a world, expecting people not to criticize you is unrealistic. When emotions run high, people might criticize others to their face, but usually, they do it behind their backs. This culture of behind-the-back criticism has existed for over 5,000 years. It has been happening since the beginning of human history. There’s no way to eliminate it.
You should think positively: ‘Thank you for being considerate enough to criticize me behind my back.’ People often say, ‘I’d rather be criticized to my face,’ but when it actually happens, it’s unbearable. Of course, it would be best if no one criticized at all, but the world isn’t ideal. The world often isn’t at its best, or even second-best—it’s often at the level of the lesser evil. If a stock worth 10,000 won drops to 8,000 won, and you think it will fall further, selling at a 2,000 won loss is cutting your losses. You’re choosing the option with less damage. Choosing the lesser evil to avoid the worst outcome is a realistic response.
The same applies to you. You should consider it better to be criticized behind your back than directly to your face. And even if you ask someone, “Did you talk badly about me behind my back?” no one will admit it. If they were the type to admit it, they would have criticized you directly to your face in the first place. This is natural human psychology. So there’s no need to try to confirm if someone has spoken ill of you behind your back. You should just be grateful they only talked behind your back and move on.
You could also choose neither option and abstain by cutting off family relationships. However, it seems you met your spouse through these relationships, and you’re still working with these people in some capacity. Essentially, you’re blaming these people while not being in a position to cut ties with them. You’re under the illusion that you can end these relationships. That’s why I suggested you might need more medical treatment. If the problems persist even after that, then you can cut off the relationship.”
“I haven’t been able to meet them, but it’s really difficult because they’re family.”
“You don’t need to say that. Is family something bound together with leather straps? Saying such things means you still think there’s benefit in meeting your family. If there are benefits to meeting family, you have to accept the loss of being criticized. If the benefit of meeting family is 1000 and the loss from being criticized is 500, you’ll ultimately choose to meet them. Why do you visit your in-laws even though you dislike it? Because there’s a benefit.
Why do you live with your husband even while complaining about him? When you weigh the pros and cons, living together is still beneficial. That’s why when you say you want a divorce, I can tell from your words that ‘there are still reasons to stay together.’ If the losses were much greater, you would have decided to divorce without asking me. The very fact that you came to ask me means that the benefits of staying together are still significant. That’s why I answer, ‘Just continue living together.’ But you misunderstand this as ‘Is Sunim telling me not to divorce because I’m married?’ When you ask questions, you only talk about your husband’s faults, so you might expect me to advise divorce, but there’s a reason I tell you to stay. Listening carefully to your story, I can tell that despite the difficulties, you’re indicating there are still reasons to stay. In truth, you want me to say ‘Just stay together.’ When I say that, you can comfort yourself that you should continue living together despite your complaints. Conversely, even if I answered, ‘If your husband is that bad, leave him,’ you wouldn’t be able to. Do you think I don’t know this? (laughs)
So your concern is not a major problem. The fact that you’re bothered by people talking behind your back indicates that you’re mentally vulnerable. Whether someone speaks ill of you or decides to maintain or end a relationship with you isn’t really important. You could say that you’re in a mentally weakened state where you can’t cope with reality. The truth is that most people in this world aren’t ideal—that’s reality. In this reality, most people just live their lives while grumbling along the way. But you lack the mental strength to live that way. To use a physical health analogy, it’s like having a weak immune system. The problem isn’t the germs; it’s your weak immunity. Just as you need to eat healthy food and take medicine to boost your immunity, you need treatment to strengthen your mental health. I hope you can try to look at it from this perspective.”
“Thank you. I understand now.”
The questions continued.
I’m curious about what Venerable Pomnyun Sunim thinks about desirable inter-Korean relations and unification movements.
I start with big dreams and challenges but easily give up not long after starting.
What are the six harmonies and seven ways to prevent a nation from falling that the Buddha taught?
I’m a Chinese Korean who has lived in Korea for 8 years. How can I overcome the confusion of identity, feeling like I don’t belong in either Korea or China?
There were more people who raised their hands wanting to ask questions, but it was time to end. Although it was regrettable, the lecture concluded at noon.
After having lunch with the audience in the basement dining hall, Sunim met with visitors at The Peace Foundation in the afternoon.
Yeom Sang-cheol, a Sundo master from Cheondoism, visited to invite Sunim to a book launch event for his new book “Donghak Manri,” which chronicles his journey through Donghak Cheondoism historical sites. Kim Dae-seon, a Won Buddhist minister who serves as co-representative of the Korean Religious Alliance, was also present.
“Last year was the 200th anniversary of Great Master Choe Je-u’s birth, and next year will be the 200th anniversary of Master Haewol Choe Si-hyeong’s birth. In between, I’ve published this book tracing the footsteps of these two masters. I wanted to visit you and present this book as a gift.”
“Thank you. You must have put a lot of effort into creating this book.”
They agreed to meet again on Buddha’s Birthday next week and took a commemorative photo together.
After handling office work in the afternoon, Sunim headed to the basement auditorium as the sun set. He continued with the Friday Dharma Q&A session in the evening.
Many citizens came to the Jungto Social and Cultural Center after work to attend the Dharma Q&A. They registered on-site or submitted questions before making their way to the basement auditorium with light steps.
About 5,200 people were connected via YouTube, and around 170 people were present at the venue. The Friday Dharma Q&A began with a performance by Soopeul, a singer-songwriter who is active in Gilbeot.
“Venerable Pomnyun Sunim once said that if you can share the story in your heart, you won’t die even in the most difficult situations. I think this song is about that. I hope you all have a light spring day while sharing what’s in your hearts.”
Soopeul performed two songs, “Where Light Gathers” and “Cosmos Petals,” which express the idea of revealing inner wounds and pain in a place where light gathers, receiving enthusiastic applause.
After reciting the Three Refuges and Words for Practice, Sunim took the stage. For an hour and a half, seven people raised their hands and engaged in conversation with him. One person mentioned that while reading a book, they felt the content contradicted the Buddha’s teachings, which made them feel judgmental, and asked Sunim for advice on what perspective to adopt when reading such books.
I Feel Judgmental When a Book’s Content Differs from the Buddha’s Teachings
“If the author is an Indian philosopher, you can simply understand that ‘this is someone practicing from the perspective of Upanishadic philosophy.’ There’s no need to judge whether it’s right or wrong. For example, if someone believes ‘God is omnipotent and omniscient,’ we can’t say ‘That contradicts the Buddha’s teachings, so it’s not the truth.’ This is because if that person completely believes in God, the result is the same. Afflictions don’t disappear only through Buddhist practice—they can also disappear if you believe that everything is God’s work. Let’s say your husband suddenly dies. If you believe ‘Life and death are in God’s hands,’ there’s no need to cry and wail. Even if you think he should have lived longer, you can accept it peacefully because God has taken him. When the carriage to the afterlife comes and says ‘Get in quickly,’ you’ll say ‘Yes, I will.’ If you say ‘I can’t go because I have family,’ then you’re someone who doesn’t truly believe in God. So there’s no need to judge whether such faith logic is right or wrong. You just need to understand that afflictions arise when you act in contradiction to whatever logic you follow.
The same applies to the book’s focus on finding ‘the true self.’ The true self is something you must investigate directly. If you search for your true self and discover ‘It doesn’t exist!’ then you’ve realized non-self (anatta). If you discover ‘It does exist!’ then you’ve realized the existence of self. But you’re discussing ‘exists’ or ‘doesn’t exist’ without actually investigating. This is just knowledge, not investigation. The author of that book is someone who has practiced according to his own perspective and is simply practicing from that viewpoint. There’s no need to definitively judge it as right or wrong. Just observe it as ‘Here’s another perspective.’
Every ideology, religion, or assertion in the world has some merit. Even what a shaman says has merit. Like the parable of blind men touching an elephant, the person who touches the trunk and says “it’s like a snake” or the one who touches the leg and says “it’s like a pillar” each has their own valid perspective. The danger lies in asserting that one’s perspective is the absolute truth. Additionally, something may be partially correct but ultimately incorrect when viewed more comprehensively. For example, the proposition “the sum of the interior angles of a triangle is 180 degrees” is true on a plane but not in space. The “law of conservation of mass” holds true within the limited scope of chemical reactions but not in the realm of nuclear changes. All assertions are valid only under specific premises. Even when saying something is “red,” it’s not objectively red but rather based on the premise that “it appears that way to my eyes.”
The author of that book likely wrote it based on knowledge from their academic studies or teachings from their master, from the perspective that “divinity exists, and realizing it leads to liberation.” Many people probably found the book helpful, and it might have become a bestseller. Not all bestsellers contain truth, nor are books without readers necessarily false. Historically, paintings once worth less than a drink have become masterpieces centuries later, while immensely popular works have later become worthless. Therefore, when reading books, it’s best to lightly consider, “This person is viewing the world from this perspective,” rather than accepting everything as absolute truth.
If you have studied the Sutra Course, you are already within the framework of the Buddha’s teachings. The Buddha himself discovered ‘non-self’ through his own direct investigation. In ancient India, there was a philosophical premise:
‘Divinity is eternal, pure, and filled with joy. A part of this divinity exists within humans. This is called Atman. When one discovers this, suffering disappears.’
The Buddha deeply investigated and verified whether this premise was correct, and as a result, he taught the law of non-self. Even today, there are many people in the world who follow divinity. The population of Hindus is much larger than that of Buddhists. India’s population is nearly 1.4 billion, and over 1 billion of them are Hindus. So globally, books with this perspective naturally sell more than Buddhist books. If you have chosen to read such books, rather than trying to judge what’s right or wrong, it’s better to accept them with an open mind, thinking, ‘This is the perspective and background from which this story is told.’ Judging what’s right or wrong is, as you mentioned, just clinging to the Dharma.”
“Yes. Thank you.”
The questions continued.
I’m over forty and have difficulty forming close relationships while working. What should I do? I value autonomy, so organizational life doesn’t suit me well.
I’m in my early thirties and working. I find it hard to make decisions, even small ones. How can I live well?
I want to know how to live without making discriminations.
I live with my two adult daughters, and we don’t get along well. My older daughter doesn’t even speak to me. What should I do?
Reading the “Bodhisattva Samadhi Treatise,” it seems that the terms “study” and “practice” can be interchanged without changing the meaning. I’m curious about the exact difference.
I’m raising two high school daughters. My older daughter says she has depression and self-harms. My younger daughter has also experienced school violence and has attempted suicide. What should I do?
By the time the conversation ended, it was past 9 PM. Promising to meet again at the same time next week, Sunim concluded the lecture with the Four Great Vows.
After leaving the Jungto Social and Cultural Center, Sunim immediately got into the car and headed for Dubuk Retreat Center. After driving on the highway for 3 hours and 30 minutes, he arrived at Dubuk Retreat Center at 12:30 AM, concluding his day.
Tomorrow, Sunim plans to work on the farm in the morning, and in the afternoon, he will visit acquaintances in the Gyeongju area to greet them for Buddha’s Birthday.”
