I Wanted to Take Revenge on My Mother Through My Death

Mar 19, 2025 – Day 31 of the 100-Day Dharma Talk, Interfaith Meeting, Weekly Dharma Assembly, The Peace Foundation Seminar

Hello everyone. Today is the 31st day of Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s 100-Day Dharma Talk. Throughout the day, the Interfaith Meeting, Weekly Dharma Assembly, and The Peace Foundation event were held at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center.



Spring has arrived in earnest. Cherry blossoms are preparing to bloom on branches that were bare throughout winter. Magnolias are tightly holding their flower buds wrapped in soft down, soaking up the warm spring sunshine.





After completing his morning practice and meditation, Sunim headed to the Jungto Social and Cultural Center at 7 AM. Ministers, priests, bishops, religious leaders, and clergy arrived one after another at the basement dining hall to attend the Interfaith Meeting for National Reconciliation and Peace.





After enjoying breakfast prepared with care by The Peace Foundation staff, everyone moved to the foundation’s meeting room for discussion. First, Elder Park Nam-soo, the chairperson of the Interfaith Meeting, gave opening remarks.



“I wanted to start today’s meeting with good news, but with the Constitutional Court’s decision being continuously delayed, our country is falling into extreme division. Citizens are living in anxiety, worried about the nation’s future. I hope the country can return to normal as soon as possible.”

Next, they shared details about the “Interfaith Dialogue for Reconciliation in Asia” event hosted by the International Reconciliation Society in July, discussing how they would participate and gathering opinions from the religious leaders. The Peace Foundation has invited the Sri Lankan Interfaith Group to this conference. For the past 30 years, this group has been working toward harmony among various religions including Islam, Hinduism, Christianity, and Buddhism.





The religious leaders agreed that “this would be a good opportunity to compare and analyze Sri Lanka’s experience with religious and ethnic conflicts in relation to Korea’s division.” They all decided to participate in the dialogue. Elder Park Nam-soo expressed strong support.



“Since reconciliation, communication, and integration are the most important tasks for South Korea right now, if we can show the public how religions achieve reconciliation through this event, it might help with national integration, even if just a little.”

Based on the religious leaders’ opinions, they decided to open the dialogue meeting to allow more religious figures to participate.



They continued discussing current national issues but decided to wait for the Constitutional Court’s impeachment ruling before further deliberation.



During the meeting, the late Reverend Kim Myung-hyuk’s daughter and son-in-law visited. They came to pay their respects, mentioning that Reverend Kim had great affection for and actively participated in the Interfaith Meeting during his lifetime.



Learning that the couple was documenting Reverend Kim’s life, each religious leader shared their memories of him. Sunim also recalled his memories of Reverend Kim.



“I first met Reverend Kim Myung-hyuk in 1997. At that time, North Korea was experiencing a food crisis, and we met to discuss how to provide humanitarian aid. Back then, we didn’t have any direct channels to communicate with North Korea. So through the Eugene Bell Foundation that Reverend Kim introduced, we were able to provide humanitarian aid to North Korea. Dr. Linton of the Eugene Bell Foundation always introduced himself saying, ‘I am just a donkey carrying loads.’ The first project of our Interfaith Meeting was in March 1997 when we heard that potatoes were rotting in Gangwon Province, so we sent 1,690 tons of potatoes on 99 trucks. Later, we also delivered 300 tons of flour to Gaeseong together.

The North Korean Aid Movement Started by Religious Leaders Working Together

At first, we helped North Korean compatriots through the Korean Sharing Movement. Then, after hearing about mass starvation in North Korea, we launched a million-signature campaign for humanitarian aid to North Korea. We had Cardinal Kim Soo-hwan, Reverend Kang Won-yong, and Venerable Song Wolju as our elders, while Reverend Kim Myung-hyuk, Father Oh Tae-soon, and I handled the practical matters. It’s been almost 30 years since we started that relationship. Reverend Kim was young back then too.” (Laughter)

The reason the Interfaith Meeting has been maintained for so long is thanks to Reverend Kim’s gentle personality. After all the elders passed away, Reverend Kim served as the chairperson of the Interfaith Meeting. I also went to Gangbyeon Church every Christmas to sing hymns and participate in dawn services. Since he served as the president of the Korea Evangelical Fellowship, I heard he faced many questions about why he associated with a Buddhist monk. So one day during his sermon, he said, ‘We must guide everyone, including Venerable Pomnyun Sunim sitting in the back, into God’s embrace.’ After that, no one raised any issues.” (Laughter)





As they recalled moments shared with Reverend Kim, their eyes grew moist. The memories of those times seemed to warm their hearts.

After listening to the religious leaders’ stories, the daughter expressed her gratitude.



“The day before attending the Interfaith Meeting, my father would always say, ‘I have the Interfaith Meeting tomorrow,’ with anticipation. He always returned in a good mood and seemed proud to be part of a group concerned about the nation.”

Finally, Sunim presented a plaque of appreciation from The Peace Foundation to Reverend Kim’s daughter. It was originally presented to Reverend Kim at The Peace Foundation’s 20th anniversary celebration last November, but they thought it would be good to give it to his daughter in this small ceremony.

“In recognition of your dedicated work in pioneering the difficult journey toward peace on the Korean Peninsula and national integration, and for creating The Peace Foundation as it is today, we present this plaque with respect and gratitude.”



Everyone applauded and took a commemorative photo together.



After seeing off the religious leaders, Sunim headed to the Dharma Hall on the third floor. The 9 AM morning service had just finished, and the hall was being prepared for the next event.



At 10:15 AM, the Weekly Dharma Assembly began with the recitation of the Three Refuges and the Heart Sutra in the presence of about 130 participants. Jungto Society members also joined online through a video conference. The attendees requested Sunim to give a Dharma talk with three full bows.

Sunim began his Dharma talk by sharing news of spring.



“Spring has arrived. Tomorrow is the vernal equinox, when day and night are of equal length. Have you noticed the sun rising earlier these days? If you live in the city and spend most of your time indoors, you might not have noticed. February was exceptionally cold with unusual late winter chills. But as the saying goes, nothing can stand against the passage of time, and now we can feel the spring air at the tip of our noses.

Just as the Cold Winter Retreats, the Atmosphere of War Gradually Eases

It seems like just yesterday that we started the 100-Day Dharma Talk, but a month has already passed. Watching the videos of your volunteer work, I can see that spring preparations are in full swing at all the main temples. With Buddha’s Birthday approaching, some places have already started making lotus lanterns. I sincerely thank all Jungto Society members who serve behind the scenes.



If you carefully observe the arrival of spring, you’ll notice that even when snow still covers the ground, melted water trickles underneath. Even when ice remains frozen solid, its thickness gradually diminishes below the surface. Particularly along streams, signs of spring appear in various forms. Just as the cold front that hung over the Korean Peninsula is retreating little by little, the threat of war is also gradually easing. Though many days remain before we fully experience spring, changes are occurring invisibly.

A Time When We Need to Reconcile Different Perspectives

Currently, there is much latent anxiety in our country. The ruling on President Yoon Suk-yeol’s impeachment is imminent. When the verdict is announced, it will likely bring temporary confusion. However, what’s important is that we move through this confusion toward a better direction. If confusion is inevitable, we shouldn’t fear it. This is the time to actively consider how to minimize the confusion and create a new order with minimal side effects.

In today’s world, there’s a prevalent tendency to antagonize those who aren’t on our side and criticize those with different views. However, those who differ from us still live in the same country, on the same planet. Though we may appear to be fighting on the surface, underneath we exist in a symbiotic relationship. When we acknowledge our differences, anger and hatred disappear from our hearts. True democracy is about peacefully reconciling different views without anger and hatred.



Looking at what’s happening around the world today, democracy seems to be regressing rather than progressing. But especially in times like these, if we overcome the crisis well, we could become a leading democratic nation. It’s like students whose grades improve significantly after summer vacation. During the summer heat, most students find it difficult to study. Those who study diligently during this challenging time often see their rankings change. Similarly, crisis is opportunity. By treating crisis as opportunity and responding well during difficult times, we can achieve our desired goals. I want to tell you that there’s no need to excessively fear crisis. Now, let’s begin our conversation.”

Sunim then took questions from those who had registered in advance. One person asked a question online, followed by someone from the audience who raised their hand. One of them asked for advice on how to approach situations where they feel uncomfortable during heart-sharing sessions.



Can Someone Who Says Hurtful Things Tell Others “If You’re Suffering, That’s Your Problem”?

“From a practice perspective, regardless of what someone says, if I feel bad about it, that’s my problem. It’s not the problem of the person who said it. So yes, the questioner is indeed lacking in practice. (Laughter)

And if you want to go volunteer in India, you can go regardless of your husband or children. If you want to go volunteer, go; if you don’t want to, don’t go. Is leaving my children to go to India a sin against them? No, it’s not. Is the reason I don’t go to India because I love my children? That’s not it either. The reason I don’t leave home is because staying at home is better for me than going to India. If I decided to volunteer in India, it’s because going to India is better for me than staying at home. The reason we think in terms of going or not going because of someone else is that our perspective isn’t clear.

In ‘heart-sharing,’ you can share anything. In ‘Dharma Q&A,’ you can ask anything. However, out of consideration for the audience, you should avoid saying things that might cause disgust. First, you should refrain from using profanity or saying things that others might find uncomfortable to hear. Second, you shouldn’t speak too extensively. The audience didn’t come to hear the questioner’s story, right? They came to hear Sunim’s talk, so if a questioner speaks for 30 minutes about themselves, the participants will find it difficult. So just be mindful of these two points. Of course, if you really want to say these things, you can. I’ve met several people who swore during Dharma Q&A. That person couldn’t help it because they were so upset. However, if possible, please be mindful of these two points.

During heart-sharing, it’s best to avoid saying things that might cause disgust. Even in sharing, using profanity or discussing sexual matters can make listeners uncomfortable. I will discuss any topic if the questioner says it’s causing them suffering. But some in the audience might find it difficult to listen. So, apart from these two exceptions, it’s perfectly fine to share feelings like ‘I felt bad’ or ‘I had a hard time.’ Heart-sharing is called that because you’re meant to share whatever is in your heart. So when it’s your turn to share, instead of saying the other person is the problem and that’s why you feel bad, you can say, ‘I felt uncomfortable while listening to that.’

Practice is about becoming free from whatever others say. But there’s a principle that practice should only be applied to oneself, not to others. It’s like a knife should only be used for cooking, not for harming others. Sometimes, when practice is applied to others, it becomes a dagger.

The Buddha’s teaching is about accepting whatever happens as part of your practice. But don’t tell others, ‘Accept this as your practice!’ For example, if you burst out in anger and the other person says, ‘Should a practitioner get angry? Accept it as practice,’ you can say ‘Yes’ and do so. But you shouldn’t tell others to accept something as practice. Practice shouldn’t be applied to others. The questioner now wants to accept what they like and reject what they don’t like. That’s not practice. It’s no different from how non-practitioners live in the world. In practice, if you feel bad about what someone says, you see it as your own issue.



For example, let’s say someone hugs you saying they like you. You feel uncomfortable because you don’t like it. In such cases, you should tell them not to do it again. But feeling bad is your problem. You shouldn’t blame the other person. You should maintain a state where you don’t feel bad, and then speak to the other person. First, express your feelings: ‘I appreciate that you like me, but I don’t like this.’ Second, clearly state: ‘This is sexual harassment.’ Third, warn them: ‘I will report this if it continues.’ You should proceed in these stages. Letting someone touch you without objection is not practice. However, feeling bad about it is your problem. If you don’t want someone to touch you, you should clearly say so. But what if you don’t feel bad about it? Should you just let it be? That’s a matter of choice. If the questioner wants to go to India, they can choose to go; if they don’t want to go, they can choose not to go. Practice is about taking responsibility for the consequences of your choices.”

“But if I just leave for India, it’s running away from home. If I say I’m going for practice, does that make it practice?”

“Even if you call it practice, it doesn’t make it practice.”

“Won’t people use practice as an excuse?”



Nobody uses it that way. If you want to go, go; if you don’t want to go, don’t go. There’s no need to keep talking about others.

If the Buddha hadn’t left home because his parents told him not to, he couldn’t have become the Buddha. Between becoming a king of a country and leaving home to attain enlightenment and transmit the Dharma to us now, which do you think has been more helpful to humanity? Most people receive a lot of help from their parents when they’re young, but when they become adults, parents often become more of an obstacle than a help. This is because very few parents can see beyond their familial affection for their children. King Suddhodana, despite having the Buddha as his son, never once asked about the Dharma out of curiosity. He was only concerned about what clothes the Buddha wore, what he ate, and where he slept. This was because King Suddhodana only saw him as his son. He couldn’t see the Buddha as the teacher of humanity.



It’s okay for the questioner to go to India to do something helpful for the world. From your perspective, it might seem like abandoning your husband and children, but it might actually be better. Perhaps after you leave, your husband might meet a better woman. We can’t guarantee anything. Things could go either way. This applies even outside of practice. Let’s say you’re currently married with children, but you meet a better man and leave your husband and children to live with him. Is that a sin? It’s not. In our current legal system, living with another man while having a husband is not considered a crime. So you can go. But if problems arise later for your children or husband because of your decision, you might regret it. That’s why people often don’t make such decisions. When the Buddha’s birthplace, Kapilavastu, was destroyed by the attack of Kosala after his renunciation, he didn’t regret or waver. That’s the difference between the Buddha and ordinary people. Whether to leave home or not isn’t the important issue. We can’t leave home because we anticipate future regret. But when we transcend even that feeling, that’s when true renunciation happens. If you leave home just because you’re dissatisfied with reality, that’s just running away from home.

So there’s no problem at all. Even if I were to get married now, there would be no problem, and if you were to renounce the world, there would be no problem. If you look at the human world from a cosmic perspective, humans would appear as small as ants. Among the countless humans, like a swarm of ants, is the meeting of one man and one woman really that important? Is it really that important for a queen bee to meet one male bee among countless bees for mating? These are all just human constructs.



When you perform an action, there are consequences. If you hated your parents, you’ll face the consequences of that hatred later. A wise person prevents future suffering in advance. That’s why they stop foolish actions now. If you’re prepared to willingly accept future suffering, that’s fine. Everything is determined by you. The reason you keep blaming others is because you think it wasn’t your decision. When you make a decision, you take responsibility for the outcome. If I bought stocks, who should be responsible? I should. But many people say they bought stocks because someone recommended them. It’s true that someone recommended it, but the final decision was mine. If a securities firm employee forged documents and bought stocks without my consent, that would be fraud. But unless it’s fraud, the final decision-maker is you. I hope the questioner adopts this perspective.”

“Yes, thank you. I understand now.”

After the conversation, it was almost noon. Sunim concluded the live broadcast, looking forward to next week’s Dharma Assembly.

After lunch, Sunim attended a Peace Foundation research seminar on “South Korea’s Global Semiconductor Strategy” held in the 10th floor conference room starting at 1 PM. Professor Yu Hoi-jun, Dean of the KIST Graduate School of Artificial Intelligence Semiconductors, gave a lecture on the global semiconductor market status, national policies, and South Korea’s AI semiconductor situation and strategies.



“The United States recognizes the semiconductor industry as crucial to national security and is strengthening its domestic semiconductor industry through initiatives such as the ‘Inflation Reduction Act (IRA)’, ‘CHIPS Act’, and ‘National Semiconductor Technology Center (NSTC)’. Japan is focusing investment on semiconductor workforce development and expanding research and development centered around the University of Tokyo and Tokyo Institute of Technology. China is utilizing an open-source semiconductor ecosystem to achieve semiconductor independence. In particular, they are trying to circumvent U.S. sanctions through the development of CPUs and GPUs based on RISC-V 



Strategies for South Korea to Become an AI Semiconductor Powerhouse

No more data centers can be built in Seoul due to power shortages. Energy efficiency has now become a key challenge for AI semiconductors. In the past, general-purpose CPUs handled various computations, but now AI-specific chips are more economical and efficient. Korea is a powerhouse in memory semiconductors. While South Korea’s market share in semiconductor design appears to be 19%, it’s only 1-2% in the non-memory semiconductor market. We must not lose the Chinese market through the separation of politics and economy. While maintaining close relations with the United States, we should also approach cooperation with China strategically. Taiwan trains 15,000 semiconductor experts annually. Korea also needs a systematic education system.

U.S. generative AI systems are primarily based on learning results from Western data. Therefore, to generate Korean faces, separate learning is required. Technology has now advanced to the point where you can virtually shape pottery or apply colors using your hands in virtual space. The semiconductor hegemony competition is not simply an economic issue but a technological war between nations. South Korea should leverage its strengths in memory semiconductors to lead the AI semiconductor market. Close cooperation between businesses, research institutes, and the government is essential for the continued development of the semiconductor industry.”



After the two-hour lecture, there was a Q&A session. Various questions followed about Korea’s next-generation semiconductor technology strategy and talent development plans.





Finally, Sunim expressed his gratitude to the professor who gave the excellent lecture.



“Thank you for providing a detailed explanation about a field that we are not familiar with. If there is a role I can contribute in the future, I will work to ensure that South Korea’s leaders pay more attention to this field.”

After taking a commemorative photo together, the March Peace Research Seminar concluded.



From 4 PM, Sunim attended the Peace Foundation Planning Committee meeting, where for two hours they discussed the current political situation in South Korea and potential changes in inter-Korean and North Korea-U.S. relations after President Trump’s re-election, as well as the Peace Foundation’s role in this context.





By the time the meeting ended, the sun had set. Many citizens were arriving at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center to attend the 100-Day Dharma Talk, enjoying the crisp spring breeze.



At 7:30 PM, the evening session of the Weekly Dharma Assembly was broadcast live. About 100 people gathered in the third-floor Dharma hall, while Jungto Society members connected through an online conference room. They requested Sunim’s Dharma talk with three bows.



Like the morning assembly, Sunim shared news of spring before taking questions from Jungto Society members. Two people asked questions online, and one person raised their hand to ask a question in person. One of them sought Sunim’s advice, explaining that they often felt a desire for revenge against their mother while growing up, which has continued to cause difficulties in their relationships.



I Wanted to Take Revenge on My Mother through My Death

“When we are attacked by others, responding to protect ourselves is recognized as self-defense in society, but from a practice perspective, it is not recommended. The concepts of self-defense and revenge are quite different. If someone hits you once and leaves, and you feel so angry that you go and hit them back the next day, that’s revenge. If you restrain someone while they’re hitting you, or if their arm breaks while you’re blocking them from stabbing you, that’s self-defense. If you become excited and use excessive force while someone is harming you, you might claim self-defense, but it could be disputed as assault or murder. However, if you hit or kill someone after they’ve harmed you, not during the act, that constitutes assault or murder. Emotionally, you might feel justified in hitting back someone who hit you, wondering what’s wrong with that. In the past, revenge was culturally accepted. But now it’s considered illegal. That’s why we report to the police and let public authority handle punishment. It’s not about individuals taking retribution but about punishment according to the law.

Why do we let the law handle punishment? Because when individuals take retribution, they’re likely to engage in excessive retaliation. If you’re hit once, would hitting back once satisfy your anger? You’d probably need to hit twice to feel better. It’s the same between countries. Look at Israel and Hamas now – when one side fires a missile, the other responds with ten. This is why we’ve established legal punishment systems, because private retribution leads to excessive responses.

The feeling you have corresponds to this desire for revenge. You were hurt by your mother when you were young. That’s why you want revenge. There are two ways to take revenge: one is to harm the other person, and the other is to harm yourself. Self-harm or suicide is a way of harming yourself. You know your mother loves you and use that knowledge to take revenge. You know that if you die, your mother will regret it and be sad. This kind of behavior occurs in very close relationships, like between spouses or parents and children. This is because in relationships between people who don’t know each other well, my death wouldn’t have a significant psychological impact on the other person. The act of killing someone out of revenge and the act of committing suicide come from the same psychological state.

Your current condition appears to be trauma. It seems to be beyond a normal psychological state and closer to a disorder. So you need to receive treatment from a professional. There’s nothing wrong with getting treatment. Ordinary people can control their emotions by themselves, but those who cannot need to consult with professionals and receive medication. So first, go to a psychiatrist and receive counseling treatment.

Second, if you want to overcome this through practice, you need to pray with gratitude to your mother. It will be difficult to feel grateful to someone you want to take revenge on. But the treatment is to have a grateful heart. Rather than trying to eliminate your desire for revenge, actively cultivate gratitude. When you develop gratitude, the desire for revenge disappears. Resentment arises from a lack of gratitude. Jesus didn’t just say ‘don’t hate your enemies’; he said ‘love your enemies.’ No matter how hard you try not to hate your enemies, you keep hating them, so as a prescription for that, he told us to love our enemies. When you cultivate love, hatred naturally disappears. It’s the same when you’re suffering because you want help from others but can’t get it. Not thinking about receiving help is a passive method. A more active method is to cultivate the mind to help others. When you develop the mind to help others, the desire to receive help naturally disappears. Similarly, when you cultivate love, hatred disappears.

Mahayana Buddhist practice is like this too. While Hinayana Buddhist practice might say ‘don’t hate’ or ‘don’t get angry,’ Mahayana Buddhist practice transforms the mind by saying ‘don’t hate, but love’ or ‘don’t get angry, but smile brightly.’ Can you feel hatred while smiling and saying ‘yes’? This is how you overcome hatred by cultivating a positive mind, which is the method of healing through practice.

However, if you try your best but still can’t generate gratitude, there’s no other way. In that case, it’s better to go to the hospital for treatment first. When told to pray with gratitude, most people resist strongly, even to the point of screaming, getting angry, and throwing their prayer beads. Even if the person knelt before you, begged for forgiveness, you’re not sure you resentment would be resolved. ‘Why should you feel grateful toward that person?’ These emotions rage wildly inside you. But if you continue to pray with gratitude, even forcibly, at some point the wounds you received from your mother will heal, and feelings of gratitude will arise. That’s when healing occurs.

So while prostrating, don’t recall unpleasant memories, but keep recalling grateful thoughts. Think about how your mother fed you, cared for you, and looked after you, and keep saying ‘thank you.’ If you do this, changes will occur in your mind. It’s even better if you combine this with medical treatment. Even if you don’t feel grateful, if you persistently pray with gratitude, the possibility of healing increases. But if you stop in the middle, you’ll return to square one.

I don’t mean you should be grateful because she’s your parent. Don’t misunderstand. This method is a very active way to heal emotional wounds. In the Diamond Sutra, a Mahayana scripture, when Subhuti asks, ‘How can I eliminate suffering?’ the Buddha replies, ‘Vow to save all sentient beings.’ This section is titled ‘The True Teaching of the Great Vehicle(大乘正宗分)‘ in the Diamond Sutra because it contains the essence of Mahayana Buddhism. It describes the most active practice method to escape suffering. So think of it as a method to heal your wounds and actively try praying with gratitude.”

“Thank you. I understand.”

Everyone in the audience gave a big round of applause to the person who bravely asked such an honest question.



By the time the conversation ended, it was well past 9 PM. The audience sat in circles by group to share their thoughts, while Sunim left the Dharma hall and headed to the Jungto Center.



Tomorrow will be the 32nd day of the 100-Day Dharma Talk. After an early breakfast meeting with North Korea experts at the Peace Foundation, Sunim will give the 4th lecture on Buddhist scriptures in the third-floor Dharma hall of the Jungto Social and Cultural Center in the morning, and the 4th lecture of the Buddhist Social Studies Course in the basement auditorium in the evening.