Nov 16, 2024 – Visitors at Dubuk Retreat Center
Today is the day scheduled to spend time with guests at Dubuk Retreat Center.
Sunim departed from Seoul at 4 AM, heading towards Dubuk Retreat Center. As he traveled by car, daylight broke outside the window. During the journey, Sunim worked on manuscript corrections and other tasks in the car.
After a 3-hour and 30-minute drive, he arrived at Dubuk Retreat Center at 7:30 AM.
After breakfast, Sunim welcomed the guests. The visitors included Mr. Lee Kyung-taek and his wife, who have consistently helped with driving and meal preparation during Sunim’s visits to Los Angeles, USA, and Mr. Roh Jae-guk and his wife, who are the representatives of JTS Philippines.
After having lunch together, they visited the nearby Cheonjeon-ri Petroglyphs and Bangudae Petroglyphs in the afternoon. They continued their conversations until late in the evening. They also reviewed the progress of construction projects in the Philippines, where JTS is building five schools for disabled children and five schools for indigenous people in Mindanao this year. Sunim expressed his gratitude to the two couples for their long-term volunteer work overseas.
As there was no Dharma talk today, we’ll conclude this post by sharing a conversation between a questioner and Sunim from yesterday’s (15th) Friday Dharma Q&A session at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center.
Severe Conflict Between Wife and In-Laws
“Right now, you are two-timing between your parents and your wife. Your distress comes from being unable to take a clear stance, under the pretext of maintaining balance between your parents and your wife. On the surface, it may seem like you’re trying not to lean towards either side, but in reality, you’re afraid of receiving complaints or criticism from both sides. You’ve become a balancer because you don’t want to hear your mother say, ‘You’re so absorbed in your wife that you don’t listen to your parents,’ and you don’t want your wife to call you a ‘mama’s boy.’ This ambivalent position is what’s causing your distress.
If you were in your 70’s like me, such an attitude might be somewhat understandable. Thirty years ago, behaving like you are now would have earned you the reputation of being a ‘good man.’ In the past, being a filial son to your parents while being a reliable husband to your wife was considered ideal. However, this attitude is no longer appropriate today. In fact, by today’s standards, someone with such an attitude might be considered unprepared for marriage.
You shouldn’t try to balance between your parents and your wife. If you judge that the conflict between your parents and your wife is so severe that it’s impossible to live together, then you can choose divorce. If that’s not the case and you’ve decided to live with your wife, you shouldn’t take this ambivalent attitude of trying to accommodate both sides. Instead, you should view this issue entirely from your wife’s perspective.
Your parents’ home is where you used to live in the past. You’ve moved past the stage of being a member of that household and have now established your own independent family through marriage. You should now prioritize the family you’ve created with your wife. Respecting the home you’ve built with your wife is your role as the head of the family. It’s okay to maintain a relationship with your parents if your wife agrees, but trying to balance both sides without your wife’s consent is not the right approach.
This issue arises because your stance is not clear. You need to clarify your position here. I’m not suggesting that you take your wife’s side with the intention of being unfilial. Right now, your place is in the family you’ve built with your wife, and you are the head of that family. So you need to establish a clear position as the head of the household. In fact, if you continue to act ambiguously like this and end up divorcing your wife, wouldn’t that be an even greater act of filial impiety?
You should prioritize your wife’s perspective and interact with your parents within the boundaries your wife agrees to. For example, when giving your parents an allowance, if your wife says to give 100,000 won, give 100,000 won; if she says 50,000 won, give 50,000 won. If she says not to give any, don’t give any, and if she says to give more, give more. If she says to visit your parents’ home, go; if she says not to go, don’t go. Just act clearly based on your wife’s position. If you maintain this attitude for three years, the problem will be resolved. Your wife’s doubts will be cleared, and your parents will let go of their attachment to you. The conflict will be resolved when your parents think, ‘If we nag our son or daughter-in-law, we might not even get to see our son’s face.’ Without this, it’s very difficult to resolve the conflict.”
“When I talk to my parents on the phone or visit them and they express their difficulties or cry out in distress , I feel very upset. How can I endure these situations smoothly? Also, when my parents say something, I sometimes take out those emotions on my wife and get angry. I feel sorry afterwards, so I wonder how I can solve this problem.”
“From what I’ve heard so far, you seem to be a bit lacking in cognitive ability. (laughs) This problem also arises because you haven’t clearly established your own position. For example, if we hypothetically say that when I became a monk and was practicing, my mother came to the temple with a bag of pills, threatening to kill herself if I didn’t come out, should I stay in the temple or go back home? If I had gone home then, the Pomnyun Sunim you see now wouldn’t exist.
Your current dilemma is in the same context. If you were tormenting your mother, stealing her money, or verbally abusing her, you should stop such behavior immediately. However, if you’re simply living your own life and your mother is holding onto you, saying she’ll kill herself if things don’t go her way, that’s her problem. If I had been swayed by such emotional words, I wouldn’t be here today. If your mother passes away, you should conduct the funeral with sincerity. But other than that, you need to clarify your perspective. That’s how you can sort things out. Otherwise, you’ll keep wavering in between. So whether your mother cries or threatens to die, that’s her situation. After listening to everything your mother has to say, you can simply respond, ‘I understand.’ Do you have children now?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Then tell your mother this:
‘If not this woman, I will never marry again. So, mother, you choose. I know you don’t like this woman, but do you want me to live alone until I die, or do you want me to live with this woman?’
If you articulate this clearly, your mother will also sort out her position. You might think you’re trying to maintain balance, but in reality, you’re two-timing between your parents and your wife.”
“Yes, I understand. Thank you.”
Tomorrow morning, Sunim will have an online Dharma Q&A session with English-speaking students attending the Jungto Dharma School. He will then spend the entire day attending the national Dharma teachers’ training and giving a Dharma talk. In the evening, he will depart from Daegu Airport for Jeju Island to conduct the Happy Dialogue Dharma Q&A lecture scheduled for the day after tomorrow.
