Nov 12, 2024 – Meeting to Prepare for the 100-Day Special Practice
Hello. A new day has dawned at the Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center.
Today, Sunim spent the entire day planning for the 100-day practice and 100-day Dharma talks to be held early next year, and accordingly revised the entire schedule for the coming year. He then shared the details with the Jungto Society’s Dharma teachers and executives, seeking their advice online.
After completing the early morning practice and meditation, Sunim reviewed the ongoing projects at JTS. He examined new projects to be developed next year, including the restoration of over 500 schools destroyed by earthquakes in Syria, implementation of literacy programs for refugee children, expansion of sustainable development in Bhutan, and support projects to address water shortages in East Timor. He also discussed these matters over the phone with the JTS representative and secretary general.
Next, Sunim reviewed the 100-day special practice and 100-day Dharma talks planned for early next year, and drafted plans for potential programs.
After spending the entire day reviewing documents and planning programs, the sun had set.
From 7:30 PM, Sunim held an interim meeting with some of the Jungto Society’s Dharma teachers and executives to seek advice on the content of the 100-day Dharma talks, should he decide to deliver them personally.
First, Sunim explained the purpose of convening this interim meeting.
“At the previous meeting, when the Jungto Society executives gathered at the Seonyudong Education and Training Center in Mungyeong, after much discussion, we agreed to first try to revitalize the Jungto Social and Cultural Center to overcome the stagnation in Jungto Society. A task force team was formed to continue discussions. At that time, my suggestion was that to increase the long-term independence of Jungto Society and reduce dependence on me, it would be good if I did not participate in this special practice and instead have the members lead the program.
However, during the discussion, the biggest issue was whether this approach would gain enough momentum. So, there was a suggestion that I directly conduct the Jungto Social University lectures, which we had been planning to do for a long time. The conclusion was that people would only gather if I gave the lectures directly. If I’m going to be in the country anyway, it would be good if I could also teach the Jungto Dharma School again, and if so, we could try conducting the 100-day Dharma talks. The agenda for today’s discussion is to continue the existing online Jungto Dharma School as it is, while additionally conducting the 100-day Dharma talks. I would like to hear your opinions on this matter freely.”
Sunim then shared his broad ideas for various programs that could be conducted at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center over the next 100 days in the first half of next year. These included the Jungto Social University, Jungto Dharma School, lectures on the Diamond Sutra and Heart Sutra, Weekly Dharma Assembly, Friday Dharma Q&A sessions, 1,000 prostrations practice, Sunday Dharma assemblies, meditation retreats, and special lectures by external speakers.
The meeting participants freely shared their opinions on these ideas. They discussed various topics such as when to start Sunim’s 100-day Dharma talks in the first half of next year, which days and times would be suitable for in-person Buddhism and Sutra courses, how these would relate to the existing online Jungto Dharma School programs, and how to conduct practice assemblies during this period.
After two hours of lively discussion, Sunim asked the meeting participants for their final opinions.
“This meeting is not for making decisions. I arranged it to seek your advice. I’ll ask one final time. Considering my age and health, and with the aim of focusing on JTS overseas development projects and reducing Jungto Society’s dependence on me while increasing its self-reliance, if anyone thinks I should not participate in this special practice, please raise your hand.”
One person raised their hand.
“If anyone thinks it would be better for me to fully commit to this project for it to gain momentum, please raise your hand.”
Everyone except one person raised their hand.
“I see. Then next time, I will meet with the task force for revitalizing the Jungto Social and Cultural Center and officially hear their opinions. Thank you all for your hard work.”
The meeting concluded after 9 PM.
After leaving the broadcasting room, Sunim discussed next week’s kimchi-making plans with the farming team leader. At 9:30 PM, he departed from Dubuk Retreat Center for Seoul.
After a 3-hour and 30-minute drive, he arrived at the Seoul Jungto Center at 1 AM, concluding his day’s activities.
As there was no Dharma talk today, I’ll conclude this post by sharing a Q&A session from the “Happy Dialogue” lecture held in Ulsan on the 9th.
My Wife Is Meeting a Man at the Gym
“She ate late at night after working out at the gym?”
“Yes, but she lost almost 10kg. Seeing her weight loss, I thought it was great and told her to continue exercising while I took care of our child. Then one day, as I was coming home from grocery shopping, my wife got a message from her friend asking to meet for coffee. I drove her there without thinking much of it, but when I saw a man in his 40s sitting across from my wife and smiling, I felt very upset. She had always told me she was meeting her female friend, including that day, so seeing a man there made me feel betrayed.
The next day, I was troubled. Feeling suspicious, I decided to join the gym myself. I thought I’d try to get in shape too, but there I met that same man again. It turned out he was quite wealthy. As I learned more, I found out that this man often drank with three married women, and my wife was one of them. Learning this made me very angry, and I discovered that this had been going on for eight months. After a few days of deliberation, I decided I needed evidence and checked my wife’s KakaoTalk messages. I found a chat room with three married people exchanging hundreds of messages daily, and that man’s name was saved as ‘Sister Kim.’ When I asked my wife about it, she said she didn’t tell me because she thought I wouldn’t like it.
As I heard this, I also reflected on how I had been living. I worked as a field manager for a large company, often went on business trips, and drank a lot. I realized I might have neglected my family at times. I thought maybe I had made my wife feel lonely, causing her to want to meet other people and do these things behind my back, but this doesn’t completely resolve my feelings. I’m not sure how to manage the anger I feel in this situation.”
“You’ve shared a difficult story in great detail. Sharing such specific details suggests that you don’t fully trust me. You seem to be worried that if you don’t explain everything thoroughly, I might misunderstand and give irrelevant advice. It appears you have a bit of a suspicious nature. Anyway, let’s give a round of applause for sharing such a difficult story. (Everyone applauds)
If this were a concern from someone in their 70s, like me, I could understand. But seeing a man in his 40s with this worry makes me think your mindset might be a bit behind the times. You’re young, but your thinking seems more like that of an older person. These days, I hear that even asking to see your spouse’s bank account after marriage is considered inappropriate. Even as a monk, I’ve heard about this, haven’t you? It means that young people, even when married, manage their incomes separately. Also, it’s considered rude to pry into where your partner has been. If you follow your partner around because you’re suspicious, it used to be seen as love, but nowadays it’s viewed as an invasion of privacy. If you keep pursuing someone who says they don’t like it, it used to be seen as passionate love, but now it’s called stalking. If you follow someone who has expressed dislike, wait on your knees in front of their house, or do similar things more than three times, they can report you to the police and get a restraining order. You could even be charged with sexual harassment. That’s how much times have changed.
Marriage does not mean that your spouse becomes your possession. A wife does not become the husband’s property, nor does the husband become the wife’s property. A married couple can separate if they are not compatible. In the past, divorce was nearly impossible once married. Even in Catholicism, divorce was not allowed. But times have changed. We cannot say that the past was better and the present is worse, or vice versa. It’s not a matter of good or bad. It’s simply that times and people’s thoughts have changed.
Family structures have also changed significantly. In the past, extended families lived together, including grandparents, parents, and children. However, now nuclear families, consisting of just parents and children, are common, and single-person households are becoming prevalent. Currently, single-person households account for 30 percent of all households, and some predict this will exceed 40 percent in the future. This shows that the overall social structure is changing.
Therefore, in today’s era, even when married, we must respect each other’s freedom. While keeping major commitments is important, trying to control every little detail is not advisable. In the past, such control was seen as an expression of love, but today it’s viewed as coercion or constraint. Especially those in their 20s and 30s do not tolerate this. The questioner, being in their 40s, belongs to a middle generation. Among those in their 40s and 50s, some have more liberal mindsets, while others, like the questioner, still hold onto the mindset of the older generation. However, constantly trying to apply traditional thinking to your partner will inevitably lead to conflicts.
For example, even saying “You’ve gained weight” to your wife can be considered insulting these days. In modern times, commenting on someone else’s body is seen as impolite and, in severe cases, insulting. In the past, it was common to ask female job applicants about their marital status during interviews, but now that’s not acceptable. This is because it’s part of an individual’s private life and unrelated to company work. Such questions are considered inappropriate both legally and socially.
From the wife’s perspective, she joined a gym after hearing her husband’s comment, and naturally, going to the gym created opportunities to meet other people. In married life, there aren’t many chances to meet new people. Commuting between work and home while taking care of children leaves little room for new relationships. Most people met at work are just colleagues. However, the gym is different. While some people come to lose weight, others come to build their physique, so there are many people with good figures. In daily life, people cover their bodies with clothes, but at the gym, they often wear clothes that reveal their figures. From a man’s perspective, he might see women with nice figures, and from a woman’s perspective, she might see men with nice figures, increasing the possibility of mutual attraction.
Moreover, those who frequent gyms often tend to be people with some leisure in their lives. While this may not apply to everyone, since gyms require a membership fee, it’s likely that those who attend have some degree of time and financial flexibility. People without such means usually cut back on food if they gain weight, and if that doesn’t work, they simply work more. They don’t bother riding the stationary bicycles at the gym, which don’t even move. (Laughter)
The topics of conversation at the gym are also different. Usually, gym conversations revolve around leisure activities, body shape, or delicious meals. People who come to see Sunim don’t typically discuss such things or talk about how much their earrings cost. However, in spaces related to gyms or leisure activities, these naturally become the main topics of conversation. At home, conversations with a spouse might be limited to “Have you eaten?” or “How are the kids?” But at the gym, people can engage in a much wider range of discussions, which makes it more enjoyable.
Even between couples, the content of conversations changes from early marriage to later years. When men and women are dating, they discuss various topics, but after 10 years of marriage, conversation topics are often limited to daily life issues or children. With everyone busy with their own lives, there’s hardly time for other discussions. Those who work have various conversations with colleagues at the office, while those who stay at home simply have casual chats with acquaintances around them.
There are also differences in family culture. Countries like Australia, New Zealand, the United States, and Canada enjoy family-centered cultures. On weekends, families visit churches, cathedrals, or temples together, or spend time as a family unit. In contrast, in Korea, it’s more common for family members to move separately. Children go out with friends, wives socialize with their friends, and husbands drink or go out with other men. Grandparents often spend time with their neighborhood acquaintances. Our society has a strong “birds of a feather” culture, while family culture is relatively weak. These cultural differences can sometimes lead to conflicts. In my counseling experience, one of the main causes of marital conflict in expatriate communities is when the wife desires a family-oriented culture while the husband prefers the “birds of a feather” culture, or vice versa. The former case is particularly common. Wives often want more family time together, but Korean men tend to prefer drinking with friends wherever they go. These differences frequently lead to conflicts.
Your wife isn’t particularly at fault in this situation. She doesn’t have any ulterior motives or bad intentions. It’s simply that in this new environment, she’s meeting financially well-off people, enjoying workouts at the gym, and having fun conversations, which has naturally led to this situation. Conversations at the gym often revolve around delicious food, travel stories, and humorous topics, which can seem more entertaining than the conversations she has with you at home. This should be seen as a natural phenomenon.
In this situation, you have two choices. First, you can allow your wife to enjoy her new environment. She has the right to be happy, so give her the opportunity to breathe through leisure activities amidst her monotonous household routine. Second, you can be more proactive in meeting your wife’s needs. For example, you could go on weekend trips together or diversify your conversation topics. When talking, don’t just discuss the children or household matters; try talking about travel or new subjects.
Ignoring your partner’s desires and saying, “You’re my wife, so you can’t go to such places! If you keep going, we’ll get divorced!” might work temporarily, but it won’t last. The same applies to children. Oppression may seem effective in the short term, but it doesn’t work in the long run. Eventually, it becomes difficult to control. With a wife, oppression might seem fine at first, but if a person is constantly suppressed, they might eventually think, “Well, if this is how life is, I might as well get divorced.” It’s not that they really want to divorce, but when divorce is used as a threat, they might initially shrink back, but as the internal tension builds, they might blurt out, “Fine, let’s do it!” without even realizing it. At that point, it becomes very difficult to reconcile.
You haven’t done anything wrong at this point. If you had thrown a phone or used abusive language, that would be unacceptable domestic violence. Such actions are considered violence regardless of the reason. In the past, hitting children was considered “tough love,” but that’s no longer the case. Hitting someone is unconditionally assault. There can be no justification for this. Yelling or throwing objects to intimidate the other person can also be considered a form of threat and may lead to separation. Threatening the other person can fall under the crime of intimidation. Society today is moving towards greater respect for individuals. I don’t think this is entirely a bad thing. We’ve been exposed to patriarchal and military cultures for a long time. In school, seniors would hit juniors, calling them behind the school to beat them up. In the military, there was hitting, and even in social gatherings, especially sports-related ones, there was a lot of physical punishment. While this was a natural part of the culture then, it’s not the case now.
Regarding your wife, it’s not about judging whether she’s right or wrong, but about understanding. She probably had stress in her daily life that she couldn’t express, and she found some enjoyment through the people she met at the gym. As she became addicted to this enjoyment, it became difficult for her to give it up easily. If you deeply understand this situation, you need to treat your wife more warmly.
Don’t feel inferior if that man has more money or is physically stronger than you. People often feel inferior and suffer because they compare themselves to actors or models. Interestingly, people who grew up being told they’re pretty are more likely to get plastic surgery. They thought they were pretty because they were told so, but when they compare themselves to actors, they start seeing problems with their nose, eyes, and so on. After fixing the nose, they move on to the eyes, then the chin. They keep getting plastic surgeries. Someone like me, who was never considered good-looking to begin with, doesn’t even bother. (Laughs)
At first glance, you might think that very unattractive people would get plastic surgery, but that’s not actually the case. The demand for plastic surgery often comes from people who grew up hearing good things about their appearance. So, don’t keep comparing yourself to that man. Besides, he’s not just meeting one person, but three, so there’s no need to be too anxious.”
“I was very envious.” (Laughs)
“When a man has coffee with three women, it might seem nice, but it requires a lot of money, time, and research, which only leads to headaches. If you knew the joy of being alone, you wouldn’t envy that at all. But since you don’t know that yet, you feel envious.
It’s important not to approach this from the perspective that your wife has a problem. If you think your wife has a problem and you’re debating whether to forgive her or not, you’ll only cycle between forgiveness and anger. If you look closely, your wife hasn’t done anything wrong. She just had stress from married life and this happened in the process of relieving that stress. Use this as an opportunity to spend more time with your family on weekends instead of just focusing on work. Also, it’s better to let go of the attitude of trying to prevent your wife from meeting people or competing with that man.”
“Thank you. Everything is resolved now.”
Tomorrow morning, Sunim will conduct a live broadcast of the Weekly Dharma Assembly, and in the afternoon, he will have a meeting with JTS and the International Cooperation Team to review next year’s business plans.
