Nov 7, 2024 – Dubuk Elders’ Festival, Happy Conversation (9) Ulsan
Hello. Today marks the beginning of winter, known as Ipdong. The temperature dropped significantly from early morning, making it very chilly.
Sunim departed from Seoul at 3 AM and headed to Dubuk Retreat Center. After a four-hour drive, he arrived at Dubuk Retreat Center at 7 AM.
Today is a day-long village festival for the elders living in 13 villages near Dubuk Retreat Center. For the past 20 years, Dubuk Retreat Center has been visiting the homes of elders with mobility issues to clean, prepare side dishes, and provide companionship. Every year, they also host spring and fall festivals for the elders in this area.
The village head’s announcement echoed through the village.
“Ah. Ah. Ah. Today is the village elders’ festival day with Venerable Pomnyun Sunim. As the weather is chilly, please dress warmly when you come out.”
About 30 volunteers from the Jungto Society’s Daegu-Gyeongbuk branch escorted the elders from each village to Dubuk Retreat Center for the event. Some elders came on their own using bicycles, electric vehicles, or motorcycles. The volunteers greeted the elders with bright smiles.
“Oh my, you are going through so much trouble for us every time.”
Three large buses parked in the Dubuk Retreat Center’s playground were filled with elders, and they departed for Gyeongju. After a 40-minute bus ride, they arrived at the restaurant at 9:50 AM.
Sunim arrived at the restaurant first and waited for the elders. When the buses arrived, he greeted them at the entrance. He made eye contact and shook hands with each person.
“Welcome.”
“Oh, it’s good to see you.”
Once all the elders were seated, Sunim greeted them and asked which villages they came from.
Representing all the villages, the chairman of the Hawalcheon Senior Center gave a greeting.
“I consider it a great honor to be here today with so many people at the Dubuk Elders’ Autumn Festival with Venerable Pomnyun Sunim. I believe you all know how deeply Venerable Pomnyun Sunim cares for his hometown village. Hosting such a grand festival for all of you not once, but twice a year, is no easy task. It requires a lot of money and effort. So, I hope you all appreciate Sunim’s intentions. We may not know how to repay this kindness, but I hope we can all reflect on the meaning behind Jungto Society’s hospitality today. Please enjoy the food to your heart’s content, have a good time, and cooperate so that we can all return home safely without any incidents.”
Next, Mr. Lee Jae-wook, Sunim’s elementary school classmate who has always helped the Haengja at Dubuk Retreat Center with rice planting and harvesting, gave a greeting.
“I didn’t have much schooling and only graduated from elementary school. However, because I graduated from elementary school with someone like Venerable Pomnyun Sunim, I never feel intimidated anywhere I go. Just having the great Venerable Pomnyun Sunim as my schoolmate is enough; I have nothing else to boast about. Although I only finished elementary school, I do have my own expertise in farming. If you ever need to ask about planting rice or such at Dubuk Retreat Center, please call me, and I’ll answer all your questions sincerely. Everyone, please enjoy yourself today and don’t let worries get in the way.”
Next, Dharma teacher Hwagwang, who has been volunteering to help village elders at Dubuk Retreat Center for the longest time since being dispatched 20 years ago, gave a greeting.
“Today, we have many elders from all 13 villages, from Naewari Village to Hwarcheon-ri Village. Thank you all once again for coming. I wish you all good health and happiness for the rest of this year.”
After respectfully listening to all the greetings from the elders, Sunim gave his greeting.
“The weather suddenly turned cold today. Were you alright when you left early this morning?”
“Yes.”
“Due to the cold weather, we delayed the gathering time for the elders by an hour, from 9:30 AM to 10:30 AM. We wanted to ensure that you wouldn’t have to rush in the chilly morning weather. However, it seems that this information was lost in communication somewhere along the way. As a result, some of you came out at 9 AM and had to wait. I apologize for making you wait so long. Thank you for your effort in coming out early.
Originally, in autumn, when the days are shorter, we planned to have the festival at Dubuk Retreat Center without traveling far. In spring, when the days are longer, we planned to go on a trip as an outing. However, this year, I heard that the number of participants for the autumn festival has increased. When there are too many people, the classrooms at Dubuk Retreat Center become too small to accommodate everyone. So we moved the venue here to Gyeongju and ordered a buffet for the meal. The change of venue meant that the elders had to take a bus to get here. If we had held the autumn festival at Dubuk Retreat Center, you wouldn’t have had to leave so early. But isn’t it nice to get some fresh air after a long time?”
“Yes, it’s nice!”
The elders expressed their joy with applause. Then, they had a Dharma Q&A session with Sunim. Anyone could raise their hand and ask Sunim about anything they were curious about. One elder, who had been widowed for seven years, shared her concerns about how to face death, as her friends were also passing away one by one.
My Friends Are Passing Away One by One, How Should I Face Death?
“First, dying in your sleep is the greatest blessing. Your children and those left behind might feel a bit sad, but from the perspective of the person dying, there’s no problem at all. So there’s absolutely no need to worry about dying in your sleep. Next, you don’t need to leave your door unlocked. In an emergency, they can break in if necessary. Worrying about such small things suggests that you might be overly anxious.
Many people want to die in their sleep. However, such a blessing is not easy to receive. In our village, there have been cases where someone died while taking out manure, leaning their A-frame carrier against a sunny spot, or went to sleep after lighting the fire under the large cauldron and was found dead in the morning. However, when people die like this, those left behind feel very sad because they couldn’t be there for the final moments. Dying in one’s sleep is something for the living to worry about. In your case, it’s something for your daughters to worry about, not you.
Secondly, while dying peacefully in one’s sleep is considered the greatest blessing, it’s not easy to achieve. Most people experience some pain before passing away. However, this shouldn’t be a cause for worry. When someone dies in their sleep, it’s easier for them but more difficult for their children who are left behind. On the other hand, if someone experiences some pain before dying, it might be harder for them, but it’s actually better for their children. When parents are ill, their children care for them and take them to the hospital. If this becomes challenging, the children might start to think:
“Oh, what’s the point of living while suffering like this? Wouldn’t it be better if they passed away rather than living like this?”
If the parent dies around the time their children have such thoughts, the children will grieve deeply on the day of death, but their sorrow won’t last as long. This is because they’ve already mentally prepared themselves for their parent’s passing. However, if they never had such thoughts and their parent suddenly dies in their sleep one day, it comes as a shock to the children. Therefore, dying in one’s sleep is better for the individual, while dying after some illness is better for the children. This means that either way of dying is not problematic. If you’re likely to die after experiencing some pain, there’s no need to worry about your children having a hard time caring for you. A bit of hardship is necessary for them to let go emotionally. This emotional detachment allows them to avoid prolonged grief.
These days, times have changed significantly, making it difficult for children to care for their parents. In the past, people had seven children, so it was possible for the children to take turns caring for their parents. However, nowadays, people only have one or two children. When one child from each family gets married, the couple has to take care of four parents, which is practically impossible. Therefore, the trend of children not living with their parents will continue to grow. This isn’t because children are being unfilial, but because it’s becoming realistically impossible. That’s why there are now well-established systems for the elderly to go to nursing homes. If parents insist on not going to a nursing home, it becomes difficult for their children. It’s best to stay at home as long as one can move around and prepare meals, but when one becomes senile and incontinent, it’s better to go to a nursing home. If children insist on taking care of their parents, parents can pretend to give in and live together, but that would be making their children suffer.
My older brother also passed away recently in a nursing home. However, since nursing homes are like hospitals, they serve bland food. Our generation grew up eating salty food, so the food in nursing homes often doesn’t suit our taste. Also, in rural areas, people could pick fresh peppers or eggplants from their gardens, but in hospitals, they serve vegetables that have been stored for a while, which often doesn’t taste good. So, it seems difficult to live in nursing homes or care facilities if one’s body is uncomfortable but the mind is still clear.
The best option is to live alone and then go to a nursing home. It’s not ideal to go live with your daughter. If you think, “My daughters don’t want me to come live with them,” you’re making your daughters seem unfilial. Even if your daughter invites you to live with her, you should say, “Oh, no need. I won’t go.” This way, your daughter becomes filial. Children don’t become filial by treating their parents well; parents make their children filial by not having expectations. If parents keep thinking, “Why don’t they give me an allowance?” or “Why don’t they take care of me?” they end up making their children unfilial. Since they’re the children you gave birth to, is it better to make them filial or unfilial?”
“It’s better to make them filial.”
“Of course, it’s better to make them filial. This is because it affects not only your children but also your grandchildren. If the parents are unfilial children themselves, how can their own children turn out well? Your greatest concern is probably your grandchildren rather than your children, and for your grandchildren to do well, their parents – your own children – need to be filial. When parents have no expectations, children naturally become filial. It’s fine if they don’t keep in touch, or don’t take care of you. You’d just be grateful if they don’t come to you asking for money. Usually, when people contact someone, it’s because they need something. When children contact their parents, it’s often to ask for something. So if you think, ‘It’s fortunate enough that they don’t contact me,’ all your children will become filial.
With this perspective, you’ll feel grateful if your children offer to take care of you, but also you’ll understand if they don’t, given the current times. However, if you think, ‘I went through so much to raise you, how can you treat me like this now that I’m old?’ you’ll not only suffer yourself but also make your children unfilial. Therefore, having expectations of your children doesn’t fit with the current times. To fill this gap, our country’s social security system is improving. The government gives you a pension even though they’re not your children. The elderly pension is currently about 300,000 won. This elderly pension will continue to increase in the future. Also, if you have no assets at all, even now, various elderly pensions combined can reach close to 700,000 won.
As you get older, it’s good to have at least a small house and a plot of land for sustenance. No matter how much your children may need it, you should never give everything away. If you give everything and end up on the streets in your old age, it would be pitiful. When you’re young, you can start over even if you end up on the streets, but it’s difficult to do so when you’re older. So, no matter how much your children cry and plead, it’s best to keep a few plots of land and a house to live in, and pass them on after you die. After death, the law stipulates that children should divide the inheritance equally. There’s no distinction between daughters and sons. The law requires that everything be divided equally.
When there’s a lot of property, conflicts arise among children, but when there’s little, they never fight. The best scenario is to leave no property at all. Then there’s no reason to fight. However, just because children fight over property doesn’t necessarily mean they have a bad relationship. It’s normal to fight when there’s property involved. For instance, if there’s an inheritance of 1 billion won, only the children have the right to that inheritance. Since their only competitors are their siblings, it’s natural that they end up fighting among themselves. In the past, when the king’s son became the next king, princes had no choice but to fight each other. To become king, one had to kill several brothers. If you leave a lot of property, your children will inevitably fight.
First, there’s no need to worry about how you die. Whether you die in your sleep or from illness, it’s all good. Second, feeling lonely at night means you need a companion. Don’t bother your daughters; if you’re lonely, find a companion. Is it wrong to seek a partner when you’re old? It’s not. Why do we think it’s natural for young people to seek partners but not for the elderly? That’s a misconception. As we age, we should meet people, converse, and support each other. While it would be ethically problematic to meet someone else if your spouse is still alive, in today’s world, there’s nothing wrong with a widowed person meeting someone new. In your case, since your husband has passed away and you’re alone, you have the right to meet someone. We were all originally alone. You lived with your husband, and now that he’s gone, you’re alone again. There’s no problem with meeting someone new from now on.
If you think, “Some people, like monks, live alone their whole lives, so why should I live with someone at this late stage? I can just live alone,” then living alone is fine. But if you feel, “Now that I’m alone after living together, I feel lonely and sad,” then you can meet a new man and live together. When you’re young, you need to strictly adhere to certain principles, but when you’re older, it’s hard to live so rigidly. As you age, it’s better to live more openly. When you’re young, you should save money, but when you’re old, you should give. While you may argue about right and wrong when you’re young, when you’re older, it’s better to think, “What does it matter if it’s right or wrong? Let’s take it easy.” What do you think?”
“Sunim, you’re right.”
The elderly applauded in agreement. One elderly person laughed and said:
“When you’re eighty, you want to get rid of the husband you have, but you can’t. I must still be too young.” (Everyone laughs)
“I see. Maybe it’s because you haven’t suffered enough.”
Another elderly person said:
“Sunim, find me one.”
“I’m living alone because I can’t find someone to live with either. You shouldn’t ask me to find you one.” (Laughter)
Sunim’s teachings resonated deeply with the elderly. Many of them nodded in agreement with each of his words. After this heartwarming conversation with the elderly, lunch was ready to be served.
The elderly sat together with those from their village, while some men gathered to share soju and stories. Volunteers helped by serving soup and bringing additional food to ensure the elderly could eat comfortably.
Sunim waited for all the elderly to start eating before he began his meal. He quickly finished and went to greet the elderly.
“We’ve prepared plenty of food, so please take your time and eat as much as you like.”
After the meal, the elderly leisurely enjoyed desserts and coffee. When they all finished eating and gathered in the hall, it was time for entertainment. Before starting, Sunim made an announcement.
“Did you eat enough? We’ve prepared more food in the back, so feel free to eat again if you get hungry while enjoying yourselves.”
The first performance was a calm gayageum byeongchang (Korean zither with singing).
Next, the elderly had time to sing and dance. The brave elder who sang the first song was gifted a warm vest.
Then, the volunteers put on an exciting performance. Dressed as jesters and calling themselves “The Vivacious Sisters,” they showcased impressive dances, raising the festive atmosphere.
The elderly had another chance to sing and dance. As they sang at the top of their lungs, Sunim applauded continuously, sharing in their joy.
The finale was a traditional Korean percussion performance. As the sounds of the kkwaenggwari, buk, and janggu drums intensified, even an elderly person who appeared to be over 80 began swaying their arms in a scissor-like motion.
The elderly kept rhythm with the janggu drums, exclaiming “Eolssu!” and “Good!”
After the talent show, prepared gifts were given to the elderly as they left. Dharma teacher Hwagwang presented a gift to the village senior citizens’ association president on behalf of everyone.
As the autumn outing came to an end, Sunim gave a closing speech.
“Did you enjoy the meal? Did you sing to your heart’s content?”
“Yes!”
“It seems the atmosphere was more lively today with so many performance teams. The elder sitting in front here used to be part of a nongak (farmers’ music) troupe when they were younger. I can imagine you dancing beautifully wearing a gokkal (conical hat) and enjoying yourselves. It’s a shame that these village nongak troupes have disappeared now due to the lack of young people. When I visit places like Bhutan or India, I still see traditional music groups in every village. We used to have them in every neighborhood in Korea too, but now there are no young people, and the culture has changed a lot.
It was a bit chilly this morning, but the weather warmed up during the day. Before it gets colder, let’s wrap up for today, and when spring comes next year and the days get longer, we’ll take a bus trip somewhere a bit farther. Rest well today, and please come again next spring. We’ll go on a longer outing then. Thank you.”
After wishing the elderly long life and good health, we took a commemorative photo and concluded the elderly celebration.
The faces of the elderly, holding the hands of the volunteers and looking happy, resembled the clear and pure autumn sky. The volunteers drove the elderly back to their homes.
Sunim returned to Dubuk Retreat Center to handle some work, and then headed to Ulsan at 6 PM as the sun was setting.
Today’s lecture was held at the Ulsan Chamber of Commerce and Industry Auditorium. Many citizens were lining up to enter and attend the lecture. Volunteers from the Ulsan Happiness Center warmly welcomed the citizens who came to the lecture hall. Sunim thanked the volunteers before entering the lecture hall.
Before the lecture began, members of “Chai,” an art troupe for people with developmental disabilities, performed a drum dance.
They performed a goblin dance while playing drums in rhythm. Their beautiful and energetic performance opened everyone’s hearts and ears.
Next, we watched a video of Sunim attending the opening ceremony of a school for 4,000 students in Syria, which suffered greatly from war and earthquake damage last month. Then, the Dharma Q&A session began.
With about 450 people filling the seats, Sunim gave his opening remarks.
“During the COVID-19 pandemic, I lived in an abandoned school and farmed. But when the pandemic ended, I traveled all over the world and couldn’t do much farming. I couldn’t even harvest properly, so I harvested today. All the other fields had been harvested, but our field was the only one left. It had been raining for two weeks, so we couldn’t cut the rice, but we finally finished harvesting today.” (Laughter)
Following this, five people who had submitted questions in advance engaged in conversations with Sunim, after which impromptu questions were taken from the audience. Over the course of two hours, eight individuals posed questions to Sunim. One person sought Sunim’s advice on how to handle a situation where they had lent money and were unable to recover it, expressing concern about potential karmic consequences if they were to pursue legal action.
I Get Furious Every Time I Think About the Person Who Ripped Me Off
“If five years have passed, hasn’t the statute of limitations expired? Whether it’s money lent and not returned, or a crime committed, there’s usually a statute of limitations, isn’t there?”
“The statute of limitations is ten years.”
“If the statute of limitations is ten years, you can still file a lawsuit. Since it becomes invalid after a certain period, if you want to sue, you need to do it within that time frame. When solving a problem, responding emotionally often leads to no resolution. Feeling ‘How dare they steal my money’ is an emotional response. While it’s natural to feel bad about losing money, you should approach this rationally rather than emotionally.
First, you need to check if this person has any assets. Even if you win the lawsuit, if they have no assets, they can’t compensate you, so you’ll only end up paying lawyer fees without any benefit. If they owed you not just 150 million but even 1 billion won, if they have nothing, there’s no practical benefit in suing. Even if they go to jail, how does that help you? It might make you feel a bit better, but that’s just revenge or punishment – it doesn’t actually help you in any practical way. If someone hits you once, hitting them back might make you feel better, but that’s just revenge. Rather than prioritizing emotions, first check if they have any assets and consider what actions you could take that might actually result in getting your money back.
Second, you should consult with a lawyer to see if you have legal grounds for a lawsuit. I know someone who sued over an unfair situation, but the court ruled they had no standing to sue, so they just wasted money on lawyer fees. If a lawyer determines that you don’t have the legal right to sue, winning or losing the case becomes irrelevant. You need to have a lawyer review these legal aspects first. Since going to court is a legal matter, what’s important is how the law is written. The facts of the situation are not as important.
For example, if I bought land but registered it under a neighbor’s or sibling’s name, and years later they refuse to give it back to me, I would feel wronged, right? However, even if I go to court, I won’t be able to reclaim it. Even if I bought the land with my own money, if the registration is under someone else’s name, according to the Real Name Real Estate Ownership Act, the registered person is the legal owner. Although it’s possible to reclaim the property through various forms of evidence, there’s a 90 percent chance of losing the lawsuit.
First, we need to consider whether that person has assets. Second, consult with a lawyer to see if a lawsuit is possible. Third, if a lawsuit is possible, assess the chances of winning. If the amount you can receive through the lawsuit is 50 million won, but the lawyer’s fees are also 50 million won, there’s not much profit, right? If the goal is to teach them a lesson because you’re upset or to get revenge because you feel bad, that’s fine, but there’s no practical benefit. It’s also okay to file a complaint to prevent that person from continuing to commit crimes in the future, even if there’s no practical benefit. If that’s the purpose, you can try it for the sake of social justice, even if you suffer a loss. We can’t always just consider practical benefits.
From my perspective, although that person is indeed a bad character, sending them to prison doesn’t seem like it would truly realize social justice. If after careful consideration you find that there’s a good chance of winning, there’s a profit to be made, and it would have meaning in terms of realizing social justice, then pursuing a lawsuit could be worth considering. Through such a lawsuit, I could recover 50 million or 100 million won, or if that person is someone close to me, I might think, ‘This is something I would have done for free anyway, so why bother with a lawsuit?’ and voluntarily give up even if there’s a good chance of winning. If I voluntarily give up, I won’t suddenly wake up in the middle of the night feeling angry. I would think, ‘You’re in a difficult situation, otherwise you wouldn’t do this,’ and just voluntarily let it go. Or, if after consideration there seems to be a good chance of winning, going to trial might be fine too.
From a religious perspective, voluntarily giving up is the best option. However, as a citizen of the Republic of Korea, exercising the rights given by the law that protects citizens is not wrong. It’s not an action that will bring negative karma. If you file a lawsuit out of spite, wanting to harm that person for revenge, that would bring negative karma. That would be letting emotions take control. Approaching it with the mindset of ‘Whether I win or lose the lawsuit, I’ll just leave it to the law’ is neither morally wrong nor something that would bring negative karma in Buddhism. Depending on how the law judges, if the verdict is that you can’t receive compensation, you can say ‘I understand’ and give up, and if it says you can receive it, then you can accept it.”
“That person has transferred all their assets to their wife’s name, divorced, and now can’t be contacted.”
“You should ask a lawyer about that.”
“The lawyer said both criminal and civil lawsuits are possible. However, for a civil lawsuit, they have nothing in their name, and for a criminal lawsuit, I wonder if I can get my money back other than putting them in jail.”
“Then ask the lawyer if there’s a good chance of winning, and if there’s no other way except sending them to jail, it might be better not to file a lawsuit.”
“The lawyer keeps suggesting we should try the lawsuit.”
“The lawyer says that because they’ll get legal fees.” (Laughs)
“I feel like there’s no point in filing a lawsuit if I won’t gain anything from it.”
“If you’ve made up your mind like that, you shouldn’t suddenly wake up and get angry.”
“I forget about it, but sometimes the thought comes back and I suddenly get angry.”
“If you suddenly wake up and get angry, you’re the only one who loses. You lose money, can’t sleep, isn’t that foolish? If you just give the money away, you lose money but at least you can sleep, right? Why can’t you just give up the money and instead keep suffering?
If you can’t forget no matter how hard you try and it keeps bothering you, it’s okay to spend some money on lawyer fees to ease your mind. You can file a lawsuit not to get the money back, but to ease your mind. You can give up the money even after winning the lawsuit. It’s not about sending that person to jail, but about easing your mind by winning. Even if you can’t get the money back, you can give up after winning. Filing a lawsuit may not be the best option, but if you want to do it, you can.”
“I’ll give up. Thank you.”
“However, even if you say you’ll give up today, if you wake up suddenly feeling angry again, it’s okay to file a lawsuit. It’s okay to spend some money.”
“Thank you.”
The questions continued. As we engaged in dialogue, including impromptu questions from the audience, two hours quickly passed. Although it was regrettable, we concluded the lecture, looking forward to the next opportunity.
Immediately after, Sunim held a book signing session on stage. Many citizens lined up to greet him and express their gratitude.
After the book signing, Sunim took a commemorative photo with the volunteers who prepared for the lecture.
“Happy citizens, Ulsan!”
Sunim expressed his gratitude to the volunteers.
“Thank you all for your hard work!”
After leaving the lecture hall, we departed from Ulsan at 10 PM and headed to Dubuk Retreat Center. After an hour’s drive, we arrived at Dubuk Retreat Center at 11 PM and concluded the day’s schedule.
Tomorrow, we will depart from Dubuk Retreat Center at 3 AM and move to Seoul. In the morning, Sunim will have a meeting with Moo, the Secretary General of INEB, to discuss how Jungto Society and INEB will cooperate in the future. In the afternoon, he will meet with Naman, a JTS activist from Sri Lanka. Following that, he will have a meeting with the Secretary General of the Peace Foundation about the 20th anniversary celebration event scheduled for next week. In the evening, he will conduct the Friday Dharma Q&A live broadcast.
