Oct 25, 2024–Friday Dharma Q&A Live Broadcast
Hello. Today is the day we have two Friday Dharma Q&A live broadcasts, one in the morning and one in the evening.
After completing his morning practice and meditation, Sunim began the Friday Dharma Q&A live broadcast at 10 AM in the broadcasting room of the Seoul Jungto Center.
Once a month, we hold a morning Q&A session for those who can’t attend the evening session. This is arranged for viewers in Korea who can watch in the morning, as well as for overseas viewers in different time zones.
With about 2,200 people connected to the live broadcast, Sunim gave his opening remarks.
“The weather has gotten a bit chilly, hasn’t it? The hot summer has passed, and it seems that autumn weather has officially begun. Yesterday, it felt more like winter than autumn due to the cold, but today the weather has warmed up a bit. Please be more careful not to catch a cold. Now, let’s hear from you all.”
For the next hour and a half, four people asked questions and conversed with Sunim. One of them sought Sunim’s advice on how to handle their mother’s frequent inappropriate meetings with a married man after she developed cognitive impairment due to an accident.
What Should I Do About My Mother’s Inappropriate Relationship with a Married Man?
“How old is your mother?”
“She’s 64 years old.”
“Is your father separated or deceased?”
“He passed away 20 years ago.”
“So she became widowed at 44. How old are you now?”
“I’m 43 years old.”
“So your mother became single at about the same age you are now. Are you married or living alone?”
“I’m not married and live alone.”
“That’s why you don’t seem to understand your mother’s feelings well.”
“No, I fully understand and respect my mother’s feelings, but it’s because the man is married that I’m concerned.”
“It would be better if she was dating someone who isn’t married, but what can you do if the only person she’s close to happens to be married?”
“That’s why I’m worried.”
“There’s no need to be worried. You don’t need to say anything about this issue. It’s not your business who your mother dates. Regardless of who she’s dating, you should just focus on taking care of her. You didn’t go to your mother’s house to interfere in her life, did you? Did you go there to make your mother a morally upright person or to care for her?”
“To care for her.”
“Then just focus on caregiving. Why are you interfering?”
“I find myself constantly making moral judgments.”
“That’s your mistake. Let’s say you’re a Buddhist, but your mother is a Christian. Would you refuse to care for her because you’re upset that she used to go to the temple but now goes to church?”
“No, I wouldn’t. But if my mother can’t manage daily life on her own, and I can’t understand her in the future, is that my problem?”
“Wanting your mother to go to the temple is just your wish. There’s nothing wrong with your mother’s choice. What can you do if she goes to church? Religious freedom is a personal right. Your mother isn’t a bad person just because things aren’t going according to your wishes. You went to your mother’s house to care for her because she can’t live alone due to cognitive issues, not to change her beliefs. Of course, you can express your opinion. You could say, ‘Mother, I go to the temple, and you used to as well, so I’d like it if you went back to the temple.’ But if all your mother’s friends go to church, and the church provides various services for the elderly that your mother finds enjoyable, then that’s her choice. It’s not something you should interfere with.
You went to your mother’s house to care for her, but now you’re trying to decide whether to continue based on conditions unrelated to caregiving. If you decide not to continue caregiving because it’s too difficult for you, that’s okay. It’s fine if you stop because your mother has fully recovered and doesn’t need care anymore, or if you’re too exhausted to continue. But refusing to care for her because she goes to church or meets another man doesn’t align with your original purpose. This doesn’t mean your mother is doing the right thing. You can certainly express your opinion, saying something like, ‘Mother, how about not meeting that person?’ But it is her freedom whether she will meet him or not. Such behavior is not a crime. It’s not a crime for adults to meet whoever they want. State authority cannot intervene in two people’s meetings. Just as it’s my personal choice whether I go to a temple or a church, it’s also a personal choice who I meet. If that man’s wife dislikes it and decides to leave him, that’s also her personal choice. In the past, such matters were treated as crimes, and people were arrested for breaking the law. However, economic losses or relationship damage resulting from decisions made between grown-up people are private matters that individuals must bear, not issues for state power to intervene in. This is not a matter of right or wrong, but a matter of personal freedom. So, it’s not appropriate to refuse to care for your mother because of who she’s meeting. The caregiving and this issue are unrelated.”
“Sunim, my mother had an accident while drinking, and she still wants to drink. This behavior seems to conflict with my purpose of caring for her.”
“It’s your freedom to stop caregiving if you dislike such behavior. Caregiving is not an obligation. In my opinion, it would be better if your mother didn’t drink, but she might drink due to loneliness or frustration. While alcohol is legally prohibited in Muslim countries, it’s not banned in our country. In this case too, you can express your opinion, but your mother’s choice falls within her realm of freedom. So, it’s not right to refuse caregiving because she drinks. The reason you’re caring for your mother is to help her in whatever way you can, and your mother is living her life in her own way. If you don’t want to care for her because you don’t like it, you don’t have to. That’s your choice. However, you can’t judge your mother’s choices as wrong. For example, if you suggested to your mother that waking up at 6 AM and doing 108 bows would be good for her health, but she doesn’t do it, it wouldn’t be right to refuse caregiving for that reason. While it might be good to do so, it’s not a crime not to do it.
You should help your mother with things that could benefit her and leave the rest for her to manage. If you have an opinion, you can express it. You all speak to me in the same way.
‘Sunim, as you’re getting older and your health isn’t as good, please take comfortable flights instead of budget airlines when you travel by plane. Please take a direct flight instead of a layover. Given your age, please stay in decent accommodations, even if not the most luxurious. Don’t make your schedule too tight, and be mindful of what you eat.’
I receive countless suggestions like this as well. I accept some of them and reject others. If I took a low-cost airline after being told not to, it would not be appropriate to say “I won’t listen to Dharma Q&A anymore.” It’s fine if you don’t want to listen to Dharma Q&A. Just don’t connect unrelated things.
You think it’s always bad if someone doesn’t accept your opinion. Of course, you can express your opinion, but you can’t force it on others unless they’re committing a crime. The questioner can share their thoughts, but it’s not right to link it to whether or not to provide care just because the mother doesn’t comply. If you gave your mother an allowance and she consistently used it to buy alcohol or drugs or do something unhelpful, it’s your freedom to decide not to give her money anymore. But while you can express your opinion to your mother, you can’t force her. It’s your choice whether to give money or not, but you can’t dictate how your mother spends it.
The questioner is now claiming that your mother is wrong and you are right, measuring it against the standard of morality. This is not desirable. A practitioner should see people beyond such ideologies, ethics, or morals. The questioner should care for your mother’s illness, not decide whether to provide care based on her other behaviors. If you don’t want to provide care, you can simply say, “I don’t want to care for you, mother” or “It’s too difficult for me” and step back.”
“I’ve always known what you’ve said, but I don’t think I realized it in the moment. From now on, I think I can focus on caring for my mother with renewed determination.”
“You don’t need to renew your determination. Just help your mother with what she needs help with regarding her illness. It’s best not to interfere with the rest of your mother’s life. If she passes away after drinking, you can arrange the funeral, and if she has an accident, you can admit her to the hospital. Even if conflicts arise due to personal issues and the other party denies it, you can deal with it when the time comes. You can express your opinion on the matter, but it’s not something you can force.
And at her age, your mother can’t stop seeing that person and start seeing someone else. She’s 64 years old, has symptoms of dementia, and is in poor health – what man would want to date such a woman? It’s because they’ve known each other for a long time and have a deep connection that they talk and eat together. Without considering your mother’s situation, it’s nonsense to tell her to date someone else. Where would she go to meet someone? You shouldn’t say such absurd things. It’s the same if you tell her not to date anyone and stay alone. How can she be alone when she’s lonely? She wants to go somewhere, talk to someone, and eat with someone, but she can’t just grab a stranger on the street. It’s actually fortunate that she has someone she’s known for a long time who understands her and can have conversations with her.
From your mother’s perspective, she can’t completely ignore what her daughter says as a caregiver. So she says she won’t meet him but then does. You’re making demands that your mother can’t accept, and then accusing her of lying and breaking promises. You’re setting conditions that are difficult for your mother to accept from the start. It’s like when a child studies hard at school but only gets average grades, and the mother keeps scolding them for not being in the top ranks. The child ends up falsifying their report card to avoid being scolded. If the mother didn’t put pressure on them, the child would have no reason to falsify the report card. Or when a teenager wants to date but their mother forbids it, so they lie about not having a girlfriend. Why would they lie if it wasn’t forbidden in the first place? They’re forced to lie because it’s prohibited. Similarly, it’s not that your mother is lying, but that you keep insisting on conditions that are difficult for her to accept. If there are other alternatives for your mother, you can arrange them. Try to find a nice 60-something male friend who can be a friend to your sick mother, care for her, and buy her meals. You can’t find one with your own efforts, right? But when your mother finds someone to date on her own, why are you making such a fuss about it?”
“I understand well. Thank you.”
The questions continued.
Communication has become very difficult in the post-COVID era. How should I relieve the stress that keeps building up in my heart?
How should I understand concepts like reincarnation and past lives in Buddhist studies that I find hard to accept?
After meditating, I feel calm and my concentration improves, but I always feel sleepy. How should I meditate to overcome this drowsy state?
By the time the conversation ended, it was almost 12 o’clock.
After lunch, at 2 PM, Sunim had a meeting with a guest who visited The Peace Foundation. Kim Jun-ja, who has long served as the general affairs manager of the Jungto Dharma Center in San Francisco, USA, visited Korea to greet Sunim.
They exchanged warm greetings and caught up for an hour. After taking a commemorative photo together, Sunim headed to the Seoul Jungto Center.
As the sun set, the regular Friday Dharma Q&A live broadcast began at 7:30 PM. In the evening, about 4,700 people connected to the live broadcast.
Four people had requested questions in advance and had conversations with Sunim. One of them sought Sunim’s advice on what to do as a parent, finding it difficult to watch their child spend all day in their room as a gaming YouTuber.
It’s So Frustrating to See My Child Only Doing Gaming YouTube Activities in Their Room
“If you send your son out of the house, there would be no problem. The issue arose because you brought him into the house. It’s because he’s constantly in your sight. If he were a miner, he would go to work in the morning, enter the ground, usually work for 8 hours and come out. If he did overtime, he might be underground for up to 12 hours a day, right? Isn’t it better to be in a room for 12 hours than that? If your son is a gaming YouTuber, the nature of his job requires him to work in front of a computer all the time. If his job was an ophthalmologist, he would spend every day looking at other people’s eyes. If he was an ENT doctor, he would spend every day looking into ears. If he was a dentist, he would spend every day looking at people’s teeth, and if he was an internist, he would spend every day looking at people’s internal organs. From this perspective, is there anyone more pitiful in the world? That’s because your perspective is wrong.
Some people don’t even come out of their rooms due to illnesses like depression, and some won’t eat even when told to. On the other hand, you said your son comes out to eat when it’s time, even does the dishes, and then goes back in. He also comes out to help when there’s something to do at home. These days, more people are working from home across society. Your son is working from home too. His room is his office, so where else would he work? If he had an office job, he would go to the company and sit in the office all day. Those people don’t appear problematic to you because you can’t see them. If you followed a son who goes to a company all day, you would probably say, ‘My son just sits in a company chair all day.’ If he worked in a warehouse, you would say he just moves things all day, and if he worked in a large store, you would say he just arranges displays all day. All jobs are like that. Your son is working from home, so his room is his office. He’s working in his room all day. If your son rented a studio apartment and moved out again, there would be no problem. Even if a child is reading a comic book at a desk, if it looks like they’re studying to the parents, they’re satisfied. Also, even if they’re actually learning something, if it looks like the child is playing, the parents feel bad. Your mood changes depending on how you see it, rather than the reality. You should see this as your problem.
First, your son has to work from home due to his job. Second, regardless of whether the job is good or bad, being a gaming YouTuber means working in front of a computer all day. If he has no income and asks his parents for money, you can simply refuse. While you may prefer a job like being a civil servant, young people today have different perspectives. In reality, to maintain the world, someone needs to fix windows, lay sewers, connect electricity, and repair cars. However, these days, hardly anyone wants to do these jobs. Young people prefer jobs like being YouTubers or office workers. That’s why we keep bringing in foreign workers to do these technical jobs.
Nowadays in rural areas, there are chestnuts on the ground but no one to pick them up, so they hire foreign workers to do it. For planting garlic, elderly women used to do it, but now they’re too frail, so foreign workers do it. Even for running livestock farms, there’s no one to feed the cattle, so they hire foreign workers. Foreign workers also come to work in orchards. This is the situation in our country. Parents just want their children to work comfortably and earn a lot of money, but how many such jobs are there in the world? Your son’s life is his own responsibility. At 38, he’s almost middle-aged, and his life is his own. This problem arises because you’re watching your son up close.
For our Jungto Society full-time volunteers, when they came to work at the Dharma centers, it was somewhat okay even if their spouses complained. But after the COVID-19 pandemic, when they mostly started working from home online, they got a lot of complaints from their family members. Even though they do more housework than when they worked at the Dharma centers, their family members see them always sitting in front of the computer at home. So, listening to your story, I don’t see any particular problem. I understand a parent’s desire for their child to have a certain type of job. But your son isn’t doing anything harmful to others, nor is he financially dependent on you, right? He was living in his own room, working, and you asked him to come back, so that’s how he’s living now. Your son is just focusing on his work in his room all day. There’s no problem. You’re the one making an issue out of your son.”
“Ah, I see. I was short-sighted. My son has been a YouTuber for about 4 years, but his subscriber count hasn’t grown much. He’s almost forty, and as a parent, I wondered if he could make a living from it. I’m grateful that my son is healthy without any particular illnesses. But as he’s getting older, I think it’s time for him to be independent.”
“Yes, he might not be able to make a living as a YouTuber. Even when people open stores, some can make a living from it while others can’t. They might lose all their interior costs or investment. But as a YouTuber working from home, even if he doesn’t make money, he doesn’t lose anything. Also, your son doesn’t have a reason to work hard to earn money. He’s living comfortably in a room provided by his parents, with his mother cooking and doing laundry for him. He can live by earning just enough for his pocket money, and later when his parents pass away, he can inherit the house and live there. There’s no need for him to buy a separate house and move out. Our generation had to buy houses because we didn’t have them, and we needed several rooms because we had many children. We also needed money for children’s education. But nowadays, people don’t get married often, and even if they do, they don’t have many children. Your son isn’t married, he’s working on what he likes in his room which also serves as his office, and he’s satisfied with buying what he needs when he has some pocket money. When your son turns fifty or sixty, you might be old or sick. In countries like the US, the state provides support when children take care of their parents. Your son is comfortable living like this, so why would he want to buy a house? He’s not taking over your room, he’s living in a spare room and will inherit it later. It might seem pathetic from one perspective, but everyone adapts to their environment. There’s a saying, ‘Even a cow needs a hillside to scratch an itch spot.’ Your son has no difficulties in living right now. To get married, he would need to find a house and it would cost a lot. Your son doesn’t have the means for that, nor does he have the intention, so he doesn’t have anything to worry about. As a parent, you might be anxious, but he has no problems.”
“Should I just trust and watch over my son without interfering? Or should I make him move out so he can get his mind and work?”
“That’s up to you. If you don’t like seeing him, you can make him move out. You invited your son, who was originally living independently, to live with you as if you were doing him a favor. If you don’t like seeing him, you can make him leave, or if you think it’s better to have your son there than leaving the room empty, you can let him stay. I can’t tell you which choice is better. If your son stays at home, you’ll be dissatisfied that he’s always at home, and if he leaves, you’ll be worried and upset. Your problem won’t be solved by what you do with your son. You can be comfortable whether you live together or not. The problem is yours, not your son’s. You keep trying to solve the problem by doing something with your son, but you can do whatever you want. You can leave your son as he is or make him leave. It’s your right. If you make him leave and he gets into a traffic accident and dies or gets injured, you’ll regret making him leave. Or if you continue living together, in about ten years, you might regret ‘I should have made him leave then, keeping him at home made him lack independence.’
If you think, ‘Whether my son lives with me or lives independently is not my concern,’ you can become more comfortable. There’s no problem if your son leaves. I can’t say which of the two is better. You can choose either and take responsibility for the consequences of your choice. Regret comes from not wanting to take responsibility.”
“I understand well. Thank you.”
The questions continued.
I always feel lonely because I don’t have close friends. It seems like relationships just pass by and don’t stay with me. How can I make friends?
I have an introverted personality, but at work, it seems like extroverted people who are good at presentations get more recognition. How can I demonstrate my abilities in that environment?
I want to attend the Awakening Retreat, but as a teacher, I need to use my vacation time. I’m planning to try for pregnancy in December. I’m confused about which should come first, the Awakening Retreat or pregnancy.
After the conversation, Sunim gave some closing remarks.
“We live with conceptual barriers. Whether it’s law, ethics, or morals, concepts of good and evil come from these conceptual barriers. When we practice and break down these barriers, our eyes for seeing things become much wider and brighter. Suffering from hunger or pain from illness is physical suffering. Most other suffering is mental. Mental suffering can be nothing if we change our perspective.
Attachment Creates Suffering
For example, let’s say you liked someone, met them, found you weren’t compatible, and broke up. The act of breaking up itself isn’t a great sadness. People meet and part ways all the time. It’s not painful to part. In fact, if you part ways with someone you dislike, it’s rather pleasant. Parting is natural, but suffering arises from the desire to meet. Meeting itself isn’t a problem, but if you become attached to your dislike, meeting becomes painful. Suffering arises from attachment. Suffering doesn’t arise because of meeting or parting.
Attachment comes from ideological concepts. The accumulation of concepts in body and mind is called ‘habit’ or ‘karma’. Likes and dislikes come from karma. When the conceptual system breaks down, we become free from likes and dislikes. We can do what we dislike if necessary, and we can stop what we like if it’s not needed. At that point, our lives can become more free. People think freedom means doing what they want to do and not doing what they don’t want to do. But that’s only half of freedom. When we can stop even what we like and do what we dislike if needed, we can be free and unbound by a matter of the world.
How to Live Life More Freely
If we change our perspective just a little like this, it’s not a big problem. The stories of the four people who spoke today might seem like common sense, but the core issue is that I’m holding onto something. Suffering arises because we hold onto the thought that ‘things should be this way’. There’s no law that says things should be a certain way. This is the Middle Way. In a state where things can be this way or that way, this happens and that happens. If necessary, we can do it this way or that way. However, not everything can be as we want it to be.
Many people resent their parents. Fundamentally, parents are there to help us. But they don’t help as much as we want. So we end up resenting our parents. There might be some parents who specially harm their children, but the majority of parents don’t harm their children. Yet, the reason most children end up resenting their parents is because in most cases, parents don’t do as much as the children want.
The same goes for this world. This world is worth living in. However, this world doesn’t go entirely as we want. If we accept that reality is not everything going as we want, we won’t suffer because things don’t go as we want. Our conscious mind knows that not everything can go as we want, but our unconscious mind thinks everything should go as we want. Suffering arises when we become attached to the thought that everything should go as we want. If you let go of what you’re holding onto a little, you too can live much more freely and brightly.”
After finishing the live broadcast, it was well past 9 PM.
Tomorrow, about 200 leaders from various sectors of Jungto Society will gather at the Seonyu-dong Jungto Retreat Center in Mungyeong for a two-day public hearing on plans to operate offline pilot programs to revitalize the Jungto Social and Cultural Center.
