Oct 4, 2024 – Happy Dialogue (7) Gwangju
Good morning. A new day has dawned at Dubuk Retreat Center. Today is the seventh “Happy Dialogue” Dharma Q&A lecture of 2024, taking place in Gwangju, Jeolla Province.
After completing his morning practice and meditation, Sunim rested in the morning. In the afternoon, he briefly visited his sister’s house for lunch and then departed from Dubuk Retreat Center at 2 PM, heading towards Gwangju.
This is the first offline Dharma Q&A in Gwangju since the COVID-19 pandemic. After a three-hour drive, Sunim arrived in Gwangju at 5 PM.
Today’s lecture is being held in the main conference room of Gwangju City Hall. After having a bowl of noodles for dinner at a restaurant in front of the City Hall, Sunim headed to the lecture hall.
Many volunteers from the Gwangju Happiness Center were warmly welcoming citizens who came to the lecture hall from various places.
At 6:30 PM, four people, including a Gwangju Metropolitan City Council member, visited Sunim in the waiting room next to the lecture hall to greet him.
The council members asked many questions they had been curious about while watching the Dharma Q&A. Sunim answered various questions with a smile and ease.
“When we see you doing Dharma Q&A, you seem to answer questions impromptu. You give answers that ordinary people can’t think of on the spot. Do you study that much in your spare time?”
“When I have time, I either work or rest. There’s not much time for studying.”
“You answer questions on science, culture, art, ethics, all fields. I always thought it was amazing. I’ve always wondered how it’s possible.”
“There’s nothing extraordinary about it. If we try to find something in a room with our eyes closed, it’s very difficult. We have to feel around with our hands. But if we open our eyes, we can find it quickly. It’s just that kind of difference, nothing particularly mysterious. When we’re trapped in certain thoughts about ethics or morality, or living within the confines of concepts, we can’t see the way. What I’m saying is just common sense. I’m simply stating facts.”
“People complain that it’s difficult to have and raise children, but if you look around a bit, you’ll see that even dogs give birth to puppies and raise them, and all animals give birth to offspring and raise them. Humans are the only animals who say it’s difficult to have and raise offspring. When you see this, you can understand that it’s not an ecological issue but a mental one. It’s a problem that arises because of the attachment to ‘raising them well’.”
After having tea with the council members, Sunim headed to the lecture hall together. About 600 citizens filled the hall. First, Pentagon, a local music group from Gwangju specializing in pan flute performances, gave a congratulatory performance.
It was a time of joy for both the heart and ears with beautiful tones. After the congratulatory performance, the Happy Dialogue Dharma Q&A lecture began at 7:30 PM. After watching a video of Sunim visiting the earthquake recovery site in the Turkey-Syria border region last month and conducting sustainable development projects in Bhutan, Sunim walked onto the stage.
Applause erupted, and Sunim gave his opening remarks.
“As you just saw in the video, there are still many people in this world who are in difficult situations. If we share a sip of the water we drink with those who have no drinking water, they too can drink. For the hungry, those who are full should share a handful of rice; for the sick, we should share a packet of medicine; for the naked, we should share one set of clothes we have. For refugees, we should provide shelter, even if it’s just setting up tents. For prisoners of conscience oppressed under dictatorships, we should show them that we continue to care about them so they don’t lose hope. These actions can be described in other words as ‘humanitarian aid’.
“Whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.”
I think perhaps Jesus’ words best expressed this principle of humanitarian aid. In Matthew 25, it says that on the day of the last judgment, the Lord will come and raise all the living and the dead, and separate them as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, and tell those seated on one side, ‘You will go to hell.’ When they asked, ‘Lord, why must we go to hell?’ Jesus replied:
‘For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
When they asked, ‘Lord, when did we see you like this?’ Jesus answered:
‘Whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
I believe that the teachings of Jesus best demonstrate what we should practice. When I consider this, I think it’s not about whether one follows Buddhism or Christianity, but rather how much one practices the teachings of their faith that truly matters.”
What We Should Do as People Living in South Korea
“While people living in South Korea may have various complaints, from an outside perspective, South Korea is a decent country. It’s economically stable enough to make a living, and politically, it’s a democratized nation. However, there is one significant issue: the high risk of war. The prosperity we currently enjoy is built on sand, in a precarious state. Therefore, we must maintain the perspective that war is unacceptable for any reason.
In Syria, millions of refugees have been created due to war, and their living conditions are truly bleak. While they may be better off than those who have died, they have no hope. In Cox’s Bazar, Bangladesh, there are one million Rohingya refugees from Myanmar. They live day by day, eating food provided by the UN, like chickens confined in a coop. There’s no education for the children and no hope in their situation.
If we show just a little concern, we can give small hope to those who are starving, sick, or have become refugees. Moreover, by doing so, we can realize how fortunate our own living conditions are. It’s not just about helping them; through this process, we can find more fulfillment and develop self-esteem.
While you may face various difficulties in life, when you see people in such dire situations, you should realize that even if you have nothing else, just having a South Korean resident registration card would be seen as a great asset to them.”
Approximately 5,200 people connected to the YouTube live stream. First, those who had submitted questions in advance asked Sunim their questions, followed by impromptu questions from the audience. Over the course of two hours, eight people engaged in conversations with Sunim. The first questioner was an expectant mother who sought Sunim’s advice on how to resolve ongoing conflicts with her husband.
Ongoing Conflict with Husband, How to Resolve It Wisely?
“First, the best solution is not to live with your husband. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about this. I don’t believe there’s any law stating that couples must live together.
Second, if you choose to live with your husband, you must decide whether you want to live in conflict and misery or without conflict and suffering. Even as a couple, you have different personalities, thoughts, and habits. It’s necessary to acknowledge these differences. Try to understand your husband by thinking, ‘From his perspective, it’s understandable that he might think or act that way!’ This isn’t for your husband’s benefit, but to prevent yourself from getting angry. Both you and your husband need to recognize that you’re different from each other. Understand that your husband, being different from you, can have his own thoughts. I’m not saying your husband is right and you’re wrong. When a Christian tells me, ‘Believe in God and receive salvation,’ I might feel offended if I think from my perspective. I might feel that my religious freedom is being interfered with. However, from their faith perspective, they can certainly say such things to me. From their religious viewpoint, they have a mission to spread the gospel to people by any means. So, they can say such things even to a Buddhist monk.
Once, someone held a cross to my chin, saying, ‘You’ll go to hell if you don’t believe in Jesus.’ But this person wasn’t telling me to go to hell; they were simply saying that good things happen if you believe in Jesus. I can choose to believe it or not. There’s no reason to be offended; I can just say ‘Thank you’ and move on.
Recently, I’ve been traveling more to developing countries than developed ones. This is likely because there are more people in need in developing countries. Given this tendency of mine, should I be going to heaven or hell? In a well-equipped heaven-like developed country, there wouldn’t be much for me to do. It seems more fitting for me to go to developing countries, which are like hell with all their difficulties, because people are crying out for help everywhere. So, considering my inclination, it seems I should be going to hell. However, according to Christian doctrine, someone who provides humanitarian aid is more likely to go to heaven than hell. But since that person said I would go to hell, it turns out to be a very good thing for me. This way of thinking can be seen as an example of how to view any situation positively.
It’s true that although you’re married and living together, you are different from your husband. If you can understand that ‘he might say such things because that’s who he is,’ you’ll feel more at ease. This will allow you to have peaceful conversations with each other. You can choose this approach. There’s the path of continuing to fight as you are now, or the path of adapting to your husband.
In relationships between adults, like married couples, there’s no problem if you choose to part ways without adapting to each other. However, it’s different if you have children. Parental stress has a significant psychological impact on children, so it’s not appropriate as a parent. If you’re going to live fighting with each other, you shouldn’t have children. Marriage is a contractual relationship between adults, so it can be terminated. But the relationship between a child and parents is not such a contractual relationship. This is because the child-parent relationship is formed unilaterally when parents have a child. Therefore, parents must take unlimited responsibility until the child becomes an adult. If a mother lives with anger and irritation, it’s not only bad for the growing child but also for the child in the womb. So you need to realize that you’re currently behaving in a way that doesn’t fit the role of a mother. You need to have a stronger sense of responsibility as a mother.
Recently, an overemphasis on women’s rights has led to situations where children are negatively affected. Currently, there is a social debate regarding abortion, with one side emphasizing the mother’s right to self-determination and the other focusing on the fetus’s right to life. There are opinions both for and against prohibiting abortion. Different countries have slightly different compromise solutions, typically allowing abortion between 10 to 20 weeks. Additionally, while children have traditionally been viewed as property of their parents, there is a growing recognition that children are not possessions of their parents.
Parental influence on infants is extremely significant. While an adult might simply feel upset when someone loses their temper, for a child, it can cause severe psychological trauma. This can negatively impact the formation of the child’s self-identity, which affects their entire life. Therefore, due to these biological characteristics, a child’s mother should be considered to have an obligation to protect the child. Of course, “mother” doesn’t necessarily mean the biological mother or a woman. The person who raises the child is the mother.
As a mother of one child and an expectant mother, complaining that “my husband doesn’t help me” is an irresponsible attitude. It’s shifting your responsibility onto others. Regardless of what your husband does, you have an obligation to protect your child. You shouldn’t say things like, “I try not to get angry, but I can’t help it.” You should know that this negatively affects your child. If you pour urine directly on a young sprout, it will wither and die. However, when it’s grown a bit, urine can become fertilizer. Similarly, young children need protection. This is because young children can easily be hurt by external challenges. When a child has passed puberty and grown to a certain extent, you shouldn’t overprotect them. That would weaken their self-reliance. As children grow, they need to face some external challenges and develop adaptability by responding to them on their own. The younger the child, the more easily they can be hurt by external challenges, which is why parents have an obligation to protect them. Even as a mother, you shouldn’t scold a young child, and neither should teachers. But it’s okay when they’re a bit older. Children should be unconditionally protected until they’re three years old, and up to elementary school, you should set an example rather than scolding or teaching them. If you want to live according to your own temperament, you can live alone like me. But as a mother of children, you shouldn’t insist on your own temperament. That’s because you’re not living alone.”
“As I listened to Sunim’s dharma talk, I realized that I’m not ready for marriage, let alone having children. My husband’s words are actually not wrong. They’re correct, but I keep getting caught up in things like his tone. It’s not just with my husband; I react the same way to my hot-tempered father.”
“That’s trauma.”
“I’m curious about how I should pray to overcome this trauma.”
“You shouldn’t approach this with religious mysticism by asking how to pray. First, you need to accept that your husband is different from you. You keep criticizing your husband because you think he’s wrong. Criticizing means judging right and wrong, but there’s no right or wrong. You’re just different. When you feel upset, you should realize, ‘Ah! I’m clinging to right and wrong again,’ ‘I’m insisting on my own perspective!’
When two people are walking together, one might be ahead and the other behind, right? In this situation, the person in front might say from their perspective, “Why are you walking so slowly? Hurry up!” while the person behind might think from their perspective, “Why are they rushing so much?” We always speak from our self-centered viewpoint, so we constantly find fault with others. It’s the same in marriages. For example, a wife might have a habit of washing towels after one use, while the husband might hang them up to dry and use them again. After wiping off water once after washing your face, you can dry it and use it again. Some people might even use it until it starts to smell. Then one person might criticize the other for not putting the towel in the washing machine right after use, while the other might criticize for doing laundry too often in this era of environmental crisis. From seasoning food to every aspect of life, couples have different habits, preferences, and thoughts. We need to accept these differences. This doesn’t mean the other person is right. When you accept this, you won’t get angry. Getting angry or irritated means you haven’t accepted that you’re different from each other. That’s why it’s necessary to accept that you and your partner are different.”
“You could try praying, ‘My husband is different from me,’ or accept your husband’s standards by praying, ‘You are right.’ If you keep repeating and remembering these words, they will influence your subconscious. When you’re always aware that your husband is different from you, you won’t get angry. Anger arises when you forget this. So, you need to live with constant awareness. When you get angry, recognize it by thinking, ‘Oh! I was being stubborn again!’ and practice letting it go. If you consistently practice this, it should help.”
“Yes, thank you.”
The questions continued.
I run a restaurant and I’m living in daily pain due to rising prices and labor costs. I should close the restaurant, but at my age, it’s hard to find a new job. How can I ensure I can make a living?
I’m a mother of a 6th grader and a 4th grader. I’m anxious that the education level of children in the provinces is lower than that of Seoul children. What is the desirable direction for education?
I’m the mother of a 2nd grader who was born with very low vision in one eye. The child tearfully asked why one of their eyes is like this. What should I say to my child?
I run a gym, and many members come for weight loss. It’s disappointing to see many people do well at first but then return to their old habits. What mindset should I have?
Who will lead Jungto Society after Sunim passes away?
I’d like to know more specifically about the sustainable development project Sunim is doing in Bhutan.
How should I manage negative thoughts when they arise?
The lecture ended with a big round of applause. Immediately after, a book signing session was held on stage. Most of the audience members lined up to receive Sunim’s signature and greet him.
“Sunim, thank you so much. I’m living happily listening to your Dharma talks every day.”
After finishing the book signing, Sunim took a commemorative photo with the volunteers who prepared the lecture.
“Gwangju, fighting!”
After expressing his gratitude to the volunteers, Sunim left the lecture hall.
“Thank you all for your hard work.”
After leaving the lecture hall, Sunim departed from Gwangju and headed towards Dubuk Retreat Center.
After a three-hour drive, Sunim arrived at Dubuk Retreat Center at 1 AM and concluded his day’s activities.
Tomorrow, Sunim will give a special lecture for the Happiness School via online live broadcast in the morning. Over the weekend, he plans to spend two days in Gyeongju, engaging in conversations with content volunteers who are working with Jungto Society’s publishing team, video team, and the “A Day in the Life of Sunim” team.