Oct 2, 2024 – Weekly Dharma Assembly, Invited Lecture at Sunmoon University
Hello. Today is the day when all Jungto Society members participate in their weekly regular Dharma Assembly.
After completing his morning practice and meditation, Sunim began the live broadcast of the Dharma Assembly at 10 AM sharp from the broadcasting room of the Seoul Jungto Center.
With all Jungto Society members entering the video conference room, Sunim gave his opening remarks after watching a video of Jungto practitioners’ activities from the past week.
If You Look at Life from a Longer Perspective Instead of Being Caught Up in Each Moment
“This morning, the temperature dropped so sharply that it felt cold rather than just cool. We could say that we’ve now returned to normal autumn weather. Looking at it briefly, one might have thought autumn wasn’t coming this year, but from a longer perspective, it’s just a slight difference, and autumn always arrives eventually. Similarly, in our lives, if we look at each moment, it might seem like we’re living in eternal hell or eternal heaven, but from a broader view, that’s not the case. Even a hellish life becomes a memory when we look back, and a heavenly life can feel empty in retrospect. That’s why it’s necessary to maintain mental equilibrium by looking at things from a slightly longer perspective rather than being too caught up in each moment. It’s beneficial to live with an attitude of ‘Oh, unexpected things like this happen!’ and ‘unforeseen events like that happen!’
Nature always gives us many lessons. When we live too artificially, it’s easy to become impatient and trapped in our thoughts. If we put down one thought and look at things more naturally, nature shows us that we can live comfortably without suffering. From a longer perspective, many failures can be seen as experiences and practice processes in life. I’m truly glad to share this Dharma talk with you in this beautiful autumn.”
Sunim then engaged in conversations with those who had requested questions in advance. Three people pressed the raise hand button and asked Sunim questions. One of them, who does a lot of volunteer work for Jungto Society, sought Sunim’s advice on how to handle her husband’s strong opposition.
I Want to Do a Lot of Volunteer Work, but My Husband Strongly Opposes It
The questioner hummed the song “I Want to Cry.” Sunim smiled and began his response.
“Seeing how you’re acting up, you might end up getting divorced. (Laughs) You’re living quite an interesting life. First, there’s a way to maintain a harmonious family life by stopping Jungto Society activities, practicing diligently every morning, participating in Dharma assemblies, and volunteering just enough to maintain your membership status. This approach doesn’t contradict the path of practice. The reasons we practice and dedicate ourselves are: first, to make our minds peaceful; second, to make our families harmonious; and third, to make the world peaceful. We engage in Jungto Society activities to help with these goals. If you’re living alone, it might not matter, but when you’re married, you need to accommodate each other. There’s a way to live by respecting your spouse’s wishes and saying ‘yes’ while adjusting to each other. This is the first path you can take, and there’s no problem with following it.
Secondly, the reason we get jobs, marry, or maintain friendships as we grow up is to live more happily and freely. Of course, until we’re twenty, we need to live with our parents’ help because we can’t survive on our own. During this time when we’re living with others’ help, we can’t exercise all our rights as we please. We delegate our rights to our parents and make final decisions only after getting their permission. But after turning twenty, we need to become independent. We shouldn’t ask for help from our parents anymore, nor do we need to delegate our rights to them. Before twenty, even if we express our opinions, parents make the decisions. After twenty, parents’ opinions are just opinions, and we should make the decisions ourselves. That’s what it means to be an adult. The meaning of being an adult is that you’ve become a grown-up. So while it’s good to maintain a good relationship with parents, if you obey everything they say for the sake of filial piety, you’re not an adult but a child who can’t exercise the rights over your own life.
Historically, who were the people who had no right to decide their own lives? They were slaves. Slaves had masters who held the decision-making power, so they couldn’t make any decisions. They were beings who had to do whatever their masters told them to do. Maintaining peace by unconditionally doing what others say is an old culture of obedience. Now, we’re in an era where we need to create peace through mutual agreement, not through obedience. In other words, you need to become the master of your own life.
Your husband is waiting for you at home like a child waiting for their mother. He’s desperately waiting, just like a child calling out ‘Mom!’, and when things don’t go as he wants, he becomes dissatisfied. That’s why you need to understand your husband when he gets angry. You don’t need to get irritated.
‘I see, just as a child might look for their mother, my husband might act this way because I come home late.’
This is how you should understand your husband. First, you can try to soothe him as you would a child. Second, if possible, you can try to come home earlier so he doesn’t have to wait. Third, you can resolve the issue through conversation with your husband. Here’s how you can approach the conversation with him:
“I fully understand why you’re upset. But I’m not out gambling or having an affair; I’m doing something that contributes, even if just a little, to the world we live in. Haven’t you noticed that I get angry less often than before? That’s why I go to these practice sessions. And out of gratitude, I volunteer. Can I really stop volunteering just because I’m not getting paid? As a couple, we can’t always talk about everything in terms of money. Just as we don’t treat our relationship like a business transaction, isn’t there more to life than just money?”
Instead of arguing about who’s right or wrong, try suggesting to your husband that it might be good to do some volunteer work while living your life. Even if he gets irritated, angry, or throws things, you can understand his feelings and calmly try to resolve the conflict through dialogue.
The easiest solution would be to stop volunteering and do as your husband says. This would resolve the conflict most quickly. If you voluntarily choose this option, there’s no problem. However, the question is whether you can live that way. If you can completely let go of yourself and live that way, that’s one path. But if you find it difficult, it doesn’t mean your practice is lacking. This is because submission is not the only path to peace. We can work through this issue through dialogue.
When I left home to become Sunim, my mother cried and said she would die. Was following my mother’s wishes the only right path in life at that time? Mothers need to let go of their attachment to their children, and children need to fully understand their mother’s feelings. Of course, problems can’t always be solved through dialogue alone. Sometimes, I need to follow my own path and let time pass for issues to resolve. During this process, some may threaten to cut ties with their parents, and some actually do.
In your case, thinking “I was divorced!” is not the right mindset. Your tone suggests, “I got divorced because I attended Jungto Society. So Jungto Society should take responsibility!” This is a non-autonomous attitude. Practicing and volunteering are personal choices, just like playing golf or going to a gym. When you choose to play golf or date another man, it’s all your choice. If your husband criticizes, you can either give up your choice or, if you believe your choice is right, you can continue on your path because you’re not your husband’s slave but your own master.
To follow your own path, you might have to accept divorce, breaking an agreement, or even cutting ties with your parents in some cases. This is not because of anyone else, but a consequence of following your own path. However, you shouldn’t hate or resent others.
When children are young, we should help them when they ask for help. But when they become adults and still keep asking for help from their parents, we should refuse for the sake of their independence. Then the children might resent their parents. Life is about compromising and adjusting with each other. Especially if you’re married, you can’t make unilateral decisions when choosing to separate or change the relationship. You need to reach some level of agreement, and if that’s absolutely impossible, you can terminate the contract without hating each other. If you conclude that it’s difficult to do something together, you can always terminate the contract. This is how our lives can be. You can calmly choose and decide which path to take among these options.”
“Thank you. My mind is clearer now.”
The questions continued. After the conversation, Sunim gave closing remarks.
“Next week’s Dharma Assembly won’t be broadcast from Korea, but from Türkiye. There was significant earthquake damage in the Türkiye-Syria border region, and JTS has built a new school that can accommodate 4,000 students for earthquake recovery. I’ll bring you more news next week.”
It was past 11:30 AM when the live broadcast of the Dharma Assembly ended.
After lunch, we left Seoul at 1:30 PM for Asan, Chungnam. Sunmoon University had requested a lecture from Sunim long ago, and he agreed to give one today.
After a two-hour drive, we arrived at the main building of Sunmoon University’s Asan campus. As Sunim got out of the car, President Moon Sung-je of Sunmoon University and Chairman Lee Hyun-young of the Korean Council of Religious Leaders warmly welcomed him.
After receiving an explanation about the campus layout, we moved to the president’s office for tea. The president first introduced the school.
“Since our school’s founding philosophy is world peace, we have many students of various nationalities and religions studying here. We have Muslim students, and prayer rooms for each religion, allowing students of diverse faiths to practice their beliefs. Many international students from countries like Uzbekistan come to study here.”
Sunim, curious about the situation of international students, engaged in conversation with the president.
“I’ve heard that Korea doesn’t have many vegetarian restaurants, making it difficult for foreigners to live here. Jains don’t even eat eggs or drink milk, so they say there’s nowhere to eat when they come to Korea. These days, many Muslims are coming to Korea, but there aren’t places where they can eat halal food, right?”
“Our school has created spaces where halal food can be eaten.”
“International students must need a lot of support. I recently completed the construction of a women’s dormitory at the Royal University of Buddhism in Battambang, Cambodia, at their request. Even if tuition is free, it’s difficult for schools to support living expenses as well. Especially for female students from rural areas who are in more difficult circumstances, that’s why we supported the dormitory.”
As we were talking, it was time to start the lecture.
They all moved to the Wonhwa Hall Art Hall at Sunmoon University where the lecture was to be held. Since yesterday and tomorrow were holidays, many classes were canceled today. Unfortunately, not many students were able to attend. About 120 college students, faculty members, and local residents were present as Sunim took the stage amidst loud applause.
Sunim first introduced the purpose of the Q&A session and then took questions freely from the audience. Anyone could raise their hand and engage in conversation with Sunim. Over two hours, nine people asked Sunim questions. The first questioner sought Sunim’s advice on how to become a father who doesn’t get angry with his children often.
I Want to Be a Father Who Doesn’t Get Angry with His Children
“When do you get angry with your children?”
“I get angry when the children do things they shouldn’t. Here’s the most recent incident. I was letting the children play a game, but the child kept pressing buttons without understanding, which turned out to be cash payments, resulting in a significant amount of money being spent.”
“But why did you let five and seven-year-old children play games that involve money payments?”
“Because the children like it.”
“What’s wrong with spending a little money if the children enjoy it?”
“Too much money was spent.”
“Shouldn’t you have taught them the limit of money they could spend on the game or not let them play such games in the first place? Isn’t it your fault for allowing them to play such games?”
“I did teach them not to press buttons that would spend money.”
“Looking at you, I’m reminded of the saying ‘The frog forgets its days as a tadpole.’ Do you think five and seven-year-old children have a concept of a lot or a little money?”
“Children don’t have such concepts yet.”
“Children don’t understand whether 100,000 won or 1 million won is being spent. They’re just pressing this button and that button out of curiosity. Children don’t learn from being taught once; they learn through repeated experiences. When you were five or seven, did you understand everything perfectly after being taught just once?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“When children start to walk, none of them walk perfectly right away. They can’t stand at first, then they manage to stand but fall, hold onto a pillar and fall, stand alone and fall, walk and fall, repeating this hundreds of times before they can walk. Similarly, if teaching ten times doesn’t work, you need to teach eleven times, and if teaching a hundred times doesn’t work, you need to teach a hundred and one times. This is characteristic of young children. This process is part of growing up to adulthood.
You’re transferring responsibility to the child for a problem that arose from your mistake. You’re scolding the child for not knowing something, but if they knew everything, why would we call them children? In Korean, we use the term ‘young people.’ What does ‘young’ mean here? ‘Young’ can mean pure, but it also means ‘foolish’ or ‘ignorant.’ That’s why young children need to be taught repeatedly.
There’s a saying that husbands shouldn’t teach their wives how to drive. When learning from a professional driving instructor, if you don’t understand after ten explanations, they’ll explain it eleven times. But a husband might raise his hand or get angry after just two explanations, leading to a marital argument. It’s also not very effective for parents to teach their children or older siblings to teach younger ones. Eight out of ten attempts fail. The reason is that if the child doesn’t understand, the teacher gets angry or raises their hand first. But when you leave it to a professional instructor, since teaching is their job, they’ll explain it eleven times if you don’t understand after ten times.
First, you must realize that a child is a being who doesn’t know. Unless the questioner was a genius who understood everything after being taught once at the age of five, it can be said that you’re raising your child in a way that doesn’t suit their nature, as they’re not a genius right now. I’m not saying you should provide special education, but if they don’t understand after being taught once, you should teach them twice, and if they still don’t understand after ten times, you should teach them eleven times.
When parents get angry, it makes the child psychologically anxious. When a child becomes anxious, they do everything poorly. If they make mistakes, they hesitate for fear of being scolded by their father, which can lead to decision-making difficulties later in life without them even realizing it. The questioner is currently creating a situation where the child may become someone who can’t make decisions well in the future. If you’re going to scold them, it’s better not to teach them such games in the first place. And teaching a child about in-app purchases is unreasonable in itself. How could a child understand such things? Starting this is like giving a gun to someone without first teaching them how to shoot. Not only was the choice wrong, but yelling at them for not knowing creates many obstacles to the child’s growth. It may end with scolding now, but as the child grows, fear develops in their subconscious when making decisions. That’s why children who are frequently scolded often struggle to make decisions. Before discussing how to raise them, it can be said that the questioner doesn’t understand the child’s nature well right now.
“I understand intellectually, but I can’t control getting angry in the moment.”
“Then you’ll have to face the consequences later. If your child develops psychological anxiety or developmental disorders when they grow up, you’ll have to bear that burden.”
“How can I suppress my anger?”
“You shouldn’t suppress anger. There should be no reason to get angry. Why get angry when the child doesn’t know? I understand getting angry when they should know but don’t, but a child is a being who doesn’t know. Even if you’re not hitting or yelling, if you’re already angry and trying to hold it in, the child will still feel psychological tension. So there should be no reason to get angry at a child. If you feel anger coming on, say ‘Dad will be right back’ and go to the bathroom to let out your anger, or go outside. Gritting your teeth and enduring it on the spot causes even greater anxiety for the child. The child’s heart will already be pounding, thinking ‘What if I get it wrong?’ If you do everything the child asks, they’ll develop bad habits, and if you scold the child, it creates psychological anxiety. But most of you first scold, creating psychological repression, and then later do what they ask, making their manners poor as well. When psychological repression occurs, there will inevitably be resistance during adolescence. When a child resists their parents during adolescence, you shouldn’t get angry and say they have bad manners. At those times, you should realize, ‘There must have been psychological repression when they were young.’ And you should move in the direction of releasing that psychological repression.”
“Thank you. I understand well.”
The next questioner, deeply impressed by Sunim’s various social activities, asked about Sunim’s vision of an ideal society.
What Is the Goal of Sunim’s Social Engagement?
“First, I would like nature to be preserved as it is, if possible. I don’t think reckless or excessive development is desirable. However, I don’t curse or criticize those who develop. I can only say that I don’t particularly like it. I wish nature could be preserved as it is, if possible.
Secondly, I don’t particularly think that people should live extremely well. However, I believe that basic necessities for food, clothing, and shelter should be met at a minimum level. If the minimum standard of living is not guaranteed, we should help, even if it’s not our family or fellow countrymen. I think there should be no instances in this world where people are starving or unable to receive medical treatment when they’re sick. Regarding children’s education, I believe they should at least attend elementary school. If they can’t afford to attend elementary school, they should at least have a few months of learning to be able to read. They should learn basic arithmetic – addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. This way, even if they can’t attend school, they can at least learn through books, and knowing arithmetic allows them to engage in trade.
When parents can’t even send their children to elementary school, it’s a sign of extreme poverty. What parent wouldn’t want to educate their child? When there’s not enough food or clothing, education becomes secondary due to severe poverty. In such cases, we must take responsibility and ensure these children have the opportunity to learn. This is the perspective from which we conduct our activities.
We must preserve the natural environment from excessive degradation. Everyone should be lifted out of absolute poverty. Violence or war should never be waged due to differences in religion or ideology. There should be no wars in this world. Even in conflicts, resolving issues through violence is not desirable.
In the past, people thought it was acceptable to hit their own children, but that’s no longer the case. Even parents should not hit their children. Teachers should not hit their students. Masters should not hit their servants. All of these behaviors stem from the habit of masters beating slaves. In the past, children were like slaves to their parents, and students were like slaves to their teachers, with violence always at the forefront. Now, violence is unacceptable under any circumstances.
As much as possible, I simply wish for everyone to be free and happy, without having many other specific desires for how things should be. People should not be discriminated against based on their birth. Whether someone is born with dark skin, grows up as a Muslim due to their parents’ faith, is born Korean, is born female, or discovers their homosexual orientation as an adult – these are neither God’s punishment nor the result of past life karma. These are natural occurrences. What is natural should be respected as it is. There should be no discrimination based on these factors because they are not choices made by the individual. I believe we must accept others who are different from us. Wouldn’t a society that achieves just this much be a decent one?
However, the reality is that even this level of acceptance is difficult to achieve in society. It’s because these things are not realized in reality that we have work to do. If all of this were achieved, we would have nothing left to do. That’s why, even if there were a heaven, I would choose to go to hell of my own accord. This is because there would be no work to do in heaven. In hell, however, there would be plenty to do with everyone asking for help. So, people like me voluntarily choose to go to hell.
But you all behave in ways that would lead you to hell, yet always want to go to heaven. So you’re always anxious and worried about not being able to go to heaven. I, on the other hand, behave in ways that would lead me to heaven, but even if they offered to send me there, I’d say, “No, I want to go to hell.” That’s why, even when a Christian thrusts a cross at me saying, “Jesus means heaven, disbelief means hell,” I smile and respond:
“Thank you. I was planning to go to hell anyway.”
Therefore, how we view things is important. I don’t have any special criteria. In human society, standards differ. When ethical, moral, or religious standards differ, I always return to nature and observe how the natural ecosystem operates. For example, a mother caring for her offspring is something animals in nature do as well. If humans don’t do this, it could be considered evil. On the other hand, offspring caring for their parents is not something animals in nature do. If humans engage in such behavior, it could be seen as good. Evil actions should be stopped, while good actions should be chosen. Good deeds are optional – one chooses to do them. Evil deeds are not at our discretion; they must be stopped. That’s why we express it as “stop evil and cultivate good”.
If possible, avoid evil actions, and it’s good to do good deeds when you can, but not doing good deeds doesn’t make you a bad person. When standards of good differ, we should judge based on the natural ecosystem. This has nothing to do with religion. Religious, ethical, and cultural standards all differ slightly. When living together, we should set aside individual standards and base our actions on the natural ecosystem, agreeing on which behaviors to avoid and which to encourage.
I don’t interfere much in personal matters. I don’t interfere with religion, ethics, or morals. However, when forming a community and living together, there are agreed-upon rules for how to live. In Jungto Society, which I belong to, there are established rules, and I do intervene regarding those because they are promises we’ve agreed to keep together. But generally, I don’t interfere in others’ lives. For example, the questioner and I have no mutual agreements. Therefore, I don’t interfere with the questioner’s actions at all. I’ve lived my life with this basic set of values.”
“Thank you. I understand.”
The questions continued.
My uncle passed away alone and was immediately cremated, leaving me feeling empty. How should we prepare for death in our lives?
How should we view and manage our arising desires?
I’m majoring in theology. What criteria do you use when making decisions, Sunim?
I’m planning to do a temple stay for two days this weekend. With what mindset should I approach it to gain enlightenment?
I’m an international student from Myanmar. My 17-year-old sister got married before finishing high school. My parents are upset. How should I advise my sister?
What should I do when I’m troubled by thoughts of the past?
The promised two hours quickly passed as Sunim answered various questions.
After the lecture, Sunim took a commemorative photo on stage with the school officials who prepared the event.
“Sunmoon University, fighting!”
Participants followed Sunim outside the school to express their gratitude for taking time out of his busy schedule.
As the sun set, Sunim departed from Sunmoon University at 6:30 PM and headed back to Seoul.
After a two-hour drive, Sunim arrived at the Seoul Jungto Center at 8:30 PM and concluded the day’s schedule.
Tomorrow morning, a candidate for Seoul’s Superintendent of Education will visit the Peace Foundation for a discussion. In the afternoon, Sunim will attend an invited lecture by Choi Han-sil, who published a Korean dictionary explained in Korean called “Pureun Baedalmaljip.” Sunim will give a greeting and participate in a congratulatory event.”