When People Stare Curiously at My Child with Severe Disabilities, I Want to Hide

Aug 9, 2024 – The closing ceremony of the summer retreat, Friday Dharma Q&A.

After completing the 15-day summer retreat, we have returned to our daily routines. The “A Day in the Life of Sunim” series resumes today.

During the retreat period, Sunim led an online meditation retreat with about 900 participants at the Mungyeong Jungto Retreat Center. He then moved to the Bonghwa Jungto Retreat Center for a retreat with about 50 members of the community.

Today marks the closing ceremony of the 15-day retreat. After morning practice and meditation, about 50 people sat in a large circle for the final comprehensive discussion. Over the past three days, they presented the achievements and issues of activities in various departments such as practice, poverty eradication, peace, and environment, and discussed future directions with Sunim. During the comprehensive discussion, participants freely shared suggestions regardless of their department.

Sunim listened attentively to each person’s story and sharply pointed out what needed to be supplemented for the proposed content to be feasible.

After reviewing the second half of the year’s schedule together, the summer retreat concluded with a time of sharing in groups.
All the participants bowed three times to Sunim, requesting a closing Dharma talk.

Sunim encouraged the participants who had diligently polished themselves over the past 15 days. He then reflected on the past year and a half since the start of the 2nd 10,000-Day Practice and spoke about the future direction of Jungto Society.

“Did you rest well for the past two weeks?”

“Yes.”

“Last year, we finished the 1st 10,000-Day Practice and started the 2nd 10,000-Day Practice. The 2nd 10,000-Day Practice has two main tasks. First, there’s the task of whether the generational change of core personnel can be successfully achieved. Second, there’s the task of exploring a new path for qualitative change and expansion. To accomplish these tasks, we had many discussions even as we were wrapping up the 1st 10,000-Day Practice, but we started the 2nd 10,000-Day Practice without much change. The good thing is that the direction we set in the 1st 10,000-Day Practice – practice, poverty eradication, peace, and environment – was relatively desirable, so there’s not much to modify even after 30 years. However, the point of contention was whether we should adjust the task of poverty eradication set in the 1st 10,000-Day Practice. The environmental issue is something we need to put more effort into, not something to be adjusted. The peace issue has become more severe than when we started the 1st 10,000-Day Practice. Social conflicts within countries are also increasing. Individual anguish and wandering have also worsened, so the task of expanding practice should continue. In other words, the problems of global environmental destruction, community collapse, and loss of individual self have not improved but rather worsened. On the other hand, the problem of absolute poverty for humanity has been somewhat resolved.

From Absolute Poverty Eradication to Sustainable Development Aid

According to UN statistics, about 800 million people, or about 10 percent of the world’s current population of 8 billion, are still in absolute poverty. Thirty years ago, when the world population was about 6 billion, about 1.2 billion people were in absolute poverty, so about 20 percent were in absolute poverty. While there are still many people in absolute poverty in the world, we can see that it has improved somewhat over the past 30 years. This can be partially confirmed in the Dungeswari area of India where we operate. When I first went to India, the labor cost of local workers was less than $1. But now it has risen to about $5. Seeing this change, it seems that the problem of absolute poverty is not an expanding issue for humanity. So we’ve been discussing whether to take on the issue of relative poverty, which is getting worse due to the widening gap between the rich and the poor, or to switch to development aid activities. We moved on to the 2nd 10,000-Day Practice without reaching a conclusion.

However, now that we have set the goal of ‘sustainable development’ and started a pilot project in Bhutan, development aid no longer seems to be a point of contention. This is because we have opened a new breakthrough to solve both the problem of absolute poverty and the issue of development aid by trying a pilot project of development aid based on sustainability.

The reason we set the goal of ‘sustainable’ is because we had the environmental issue in mind. It’s to avoid reckless development according to human desires. In this pilot project in Bhutan, we added ‘self-reliance’ and ‘voluntariness’ in addition to environmental sustainability. We added the concept of ‘self-reliant sustainability’ in the sense that the residents themselves solve problems rather than having them solved externally.

By doing this sustainable development project in Bhutan, it seems we have found a new breakthrough in development aid activities. If the pilot project is successful in one province of Bhutan, we can spread the experience and results throughout Bhutan, and we can also spread Bhutan’s experience worldwide. Currently, the Bhutan project is being carried out by JTS in cooperation with the Bhutan government targeting one province, but later it can be expanded to other provinces. Furthermore, we can try this method in other countries like Cambodia or Sri Lanka, opening up new horizons.

If this type of project is successful, even a small organization like Jungto Society will have the opportunity to do great things for the world. If South Korea were to use even 1 percent of its national income for international development aid activities in this way, eradicating absolute poverty throughout Asia would not be a difficult problem. This would also have a very positive impact on South Korea’s national status. The Korean Wave in popular culture has become the envy of people around the world in terms of consumer culture, but this kind of development aid activity can be said to have a morally positive impact on ordinary residents. Even if the South Korean government doesn’t participate in this method, the activities of a small organization like Jungto Society can have a tremendous impact on the international community. Through the experience in Bhutan, we can carry out projects in the same way in other Asian countries, which will reduce the need for trial and error. Whether it’s improving housing, improving village community facilities, supporting agriculture, or supporting schools, we can expand the sustainable development model to any country or region.

If we look at the village development project we’re currently doing in Dungeswari, India from this perspective, we’ll see how to proceed. Until now, it was difficult to try any projects other than installing hand pumps for water supply, but if we try other experiments based on the experience of the Bhutan pilot project, we can find ways to use our resources efficiently. There will be ways to utilize not only Jungto Society’s internal resources but also our country’s resources, and ways to cooperate with other organizations. Also, this method allows more people to participate. Many NGOs waste resources because they can’t set a direction for their projects. This method is good for cooperating with them too. It’s easy to spread and has a very high chance of success.

The Second Life Is for Serving Humanity

Based on this, Jungto Society members also need to seriously reflect on ‘how to live their lives’. Of course, it’s best to set out on the path of serving the world from a young age. However, most people briefly dream of this when they’re young, but end up not taking that path, getting married, and living ordinary lives. After living like that for about 30 years and looking back on their lives, they realize that they haven’t done much for society other than taking care of their own families. There might be some difference in who lived a little better, but life ends just confined to personal matters without properly realizing any dreams. Of course, for those without dreams, such a life might be satisfying. But for those who had even slightly bigger dreams about the world, they might look back on their lives and regret, ‘What have I been doing with my life?’ Especially the middle-aged people in their 50s and 60s in our country now are a generation that was greatly influenced by the student movement from the 1980s to the early 1990s. The dreams of their youth are still alive in their hearts. Now we need to revive those dreams. They’ve retired from their jobs, their parents have passed away so there’s no need to support them anymore. Their children have become adults, so there’s no need to take care of them anymore. So if they use their energy to realize their youthful dreams without being tied to their families anymore, we can draw up tremendous energy socially. If they live frugally on their retirement funds and use their energy for the next 10 to 20 years to realize their dreams, this will become a movement that creates a new civilization.

So far, JTS has been active mainly in India to eradicate poverty, but it was difficult to work in the summer due to the hot weather. However, if we expand sustainable development projects to Southeast Asian countries in the future, we can go to various countries, which will greatly alleviate the difficulties caused by weather. Especially the middle-aged and older generation mostly watched their parents farming in the countryside when they were young. So even if individuals don’t have special skills, they can understand the project quickly with just a little explanation. Also, because they have a lot of life experience, many childhood memories will come back when they go to the field. The memories experienced in childhood are very useful for local relief activities, and this will become a new path of life for them. Of course, it’s very necessary to instill dreams in young people. But we also need to provide a new breakthrough for the middle-aged and older generation to live their second life. Practicing is not just about doing 108 bows and meditating every day. Each person taking a path of life that is even a little useful to the world has a very positive effect on practice.

For this, we need to create concrete changes in the field. Project design should be based on concrete field experience, not on some scholar’s theory. It’s important to create concrete changes, such as what changes actually occurred for the residents, how housing or farmland was improved. Such changes can spread from one region of Bhutan to the whole country, and then to Asia. Later, we can spread it to South America and Africa. This is the new development model we aim for. It’s not a government-led New Village Movement, but a voluntary village development movement centered on local residents.”

Next, Sunim talked about how he would spend the last years of his life for the transformation of human civilization in the era of climate crisis.

“It would be good to have an attitude of always seeking newness without falling into mannerism. Whatever you do, rather than getting bored or tired after doing it two or three times, it would be good to actively change your life with an attitude of always exploring and improving.

The way of doing business should also be based on voluntariness as much as possible, with individuals doing it individually, neighborhoods doing it by neighborhood, and regions doing it by region, rather than in a centralized way, so that it can be continuously expanded. The method of planning from the center and going down may spread quickly in the early stages, but it will inevitably slow down later. Even looking at the natural ecosystem, all living things have strong survival power because they are based on voluntariness. Nevertheless, to converge results, accumulate them, and make a leap forward, there needs to be a control tower where all information is concentrated in one place. Especially since Jungto Society has switched to online, we can effectively gather information in one place. So we should pioneer a new way of organization operation where planning is done at the center where information is gathered, and practical activities are carried out independently in networked regions. I think it would be good to make a new design considering even these issues.

How to Actually Implement a Frugal Life for Civilization Transformation

So far, Jungto Society has pioneered all activities centered on Venerable Pomnyun Sunim, but this method also needs to change for future sustainability. You might easily think that Venerable Pomnyun Sunim as an individual is outstanding, but that’s not the case. It’s just that because there’s a lot of information accumulated in Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s brain, when some information comes in, he can set a direction relatively quickly and accurately. In simple terms, you can think of it as a lot of big data accumulated in Venerable Pomnyun Sunim. If we continue to operate centered on Venerable Pomnyun Sunim by utilizing this aspect, there are many advantages but also disadvantages. First, there are physical limitations, and there are limitations in continuity. Especially if there’s too much dependence on Venerable Pomnyun Sunim as an individual, there will be a problem of a vacuum occurring after Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s death. So until now, Venerable Pomnyun Sunim has pioneered and set directions, but now you need to experience trial and error by directly promoting projects yourselves.

So I’m thinking, ‘When I retire in the future, how about finishing my remaining life living in the countryside and farming?’ I would actually realize the standard of frugal life that Jungto Society has been aiming for by living in a rural house. After morning prayers, I would farm together with people, sit under a zelkova tree and have conversations with visitors, becoming an old man who doesn’t matter whether he’s there or not, how about spending the rest of my life like that? I think we might be able to open a breakthrough for the consumption stop movement that Jungto Society wants to do.

To conduct a mass movement, most prepare a large-scale practice place, and the great monk has a big room there, right? It’s difficult to eliminate authoritarianism in this way. Of course, Jungto Society also needs main temples in each region, including Mungyeong Retreat Center, for the public to practice. So I want all these large practice places to be operated by Dharma teachers and the public, while I live frugally in the countryside. Only then can we pass on a sustainable way of life to our descendants in the future.

In terms of pioneering, there are elements where Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s role is more needed, and when thinking about the future, there are elements where Venerable Pomnyun Sunim should now step back. I think these elements should be sorted out in the early stages of the 2nd 10,000-Day Practice. Jungto Society has already started the 2nd 10,000-Day Practice, but the direction of the 2nd 10,000-Day Practice is not yet clearly set. Now is the period of preparing for the 2nd 10,000-Day Practice on the extension line of the 1st 10,000-Day Practice. So we all need to seek a new direction together.

Thank you all for your hard work practicing for the past fortnight. Let’s have an in-depth conversation again when we have time.”

With a big round of applause, we concluded the 2024 summer retreat, taking Sunim’s words to heart.

We all took a group photo and then boarded the vehicles.

After having lunch together in Chunyang-myeon, Sunim headed directly to Dubuk Retreat Center as he had to do a live broadcast in the evening, while the rest of the group departed for their respective destinations.

After a three-hour drive, Sunim arrived at Dubuk Retreat Center at 5:30 PM. As the sun set, the Friday Dharma Q&A live broadcast began at 7:30 PM.

With over 4,100 people connected to the live broadcast, Sunim began with a light greeting.

“How are you all coping with the hot summer? This week, I spent time at the summer retreat with the community members in Bonghwa, Gyeongbuk. Yesterday and the day before were really hot. However, since I was staying in a mountain village, even without air conditioning, it was bearable despite some sweating. Due to climate change, heat wave warnings are being issued in various places, and many people are falling ill due to the extreme heat. I hope you’re all doing well.

However, since Ipchu (the start of autumn in the lunar calendar), the heat seems to have subsided a bit. It’s still hot during the day, but the early morning temperatures have dropped significantly. In the countryside where I am, the morning temperature drops to 21 degrees Celsius, making it feel a bit chilly in the morning if I sleep with the windows open. Although Malbok (the last of the three hottest days of summer) hasn’t passed yet, and the heat wave might continue until late August or early September, there will probably only be one or two more tropical nights. Seasonally, it’s still hot weather, but they say ‘Ipchu’ means autumn is approaching as cool winds start blowing high in the sky. Now that Ipchu has passed, it seems we’ve overcome the biggest hurdle.”

Four people had pre-registered to ask questions and engage in conversation with Sunim. One of them sought advice from Sunim on how to cope with the overwhelming feelings of having a child born after marriage who suffers from a rare incurable disease and will live with a lifelong disability.

When people stare curiously at my child with severe disabilities, I want to hide

“Of course, it would have been better if your parents hadn’t divorced and you had grown up in a harmonious family when you were young. Isn’t that the same for everyone? However, that environment is not something we can choose. When a couple has a child and that child develops a disability due to a mutation, it’s not the child’s fault. Similarly, it’s not your fault that your parents fought in the family you were born into. When you grow up and look around, isn’t fighting and divorcing between couples a common occurrence in the world? It’s not a very special thing. It’s just an ordinary event.

When I was young, divorce was a very rare occurrence, but now, 30 years later, nearly half of couples are divorcing. In the United States, it’s well over half. In our country, not only was divorce rare until now, but it was also uncommon for divorced women to remarry. Men would remarry, but widowed or divorced women mostly lived alone with their children. But what about in the future? If people divorce due to incompatibility, the chances of women remarrying will be much higher. In the United States, there are more remarried families than first-marriage families. Naturally, there will be children from both sides in one family. A woman who remarries a man raising children will have to raise those children, and a man who remarries a woman raising children will have to raise children he didn’t father. This is common in the United States. Someone born into such a family can even become president. Being raised in such an environment is not special. If you had been born and raised in the United States, living like you do would be the majority, so you wouldn’t have grown up in an unusual family. What’s the standard for saying something is ‘ordinary’ or ‘not ordinary’? It’s just a difference between being a minority or a majority. You say you’re not ordinary because it was a minority when you were growing up, but in the future, it will become the majority, so it can be called ordinary. So now, you should let go of the thoughts of ‘ordinary’ or ‘not ordinary’. The way you’ve lived is just life.

And the fact that your baby had a mutation is something that can happen naturally with a probability of about 1 in 100,000. Recently in India, a woman gave birth to a baby with two heads and eight limbs. In the old days, this would have been interpreted as ‘a sign of some calamity to come in the world’ or ‘a curse from God’. But when analyzed scientifically, it’s something that can certainly happen. Normally, identical twins occur when a fertilized egg separates, but if this separation doesn’t happen properly, such phenomena can occur. If the separation isn’t complete, you might end up with one body but two heads, or limbs attached separately. This is a natural phenomenon that occurs with a probability of one in ten million, or about 0.001%.

So why does this happen more often in India? Is it because of India’s unusual climate? No. India has a population of 1.4 billion. Even if it occurs with a probability of one in ten million, it could happen to 140 people in India. China also has a population of 1.4 billion, but because China is a communist society with more control, these cases don’t get reported to the outside world. That’s why most of these news stories come from India. India’s population is larger than that of Europe and the United States combined. People wonder why these things only happen in India, but it’s just because of the large population, not for any other special reason.

So, from a natural ecological standpoint, it’s not special that you gave birth to such a child. It’s just one event that occurred within the realm of probability. Even if you were diagnosed with cancer now, that wouldn’t be special either. Cancer is a disease that can occur with a probability of 1 in 100 people. What’s important is how we solve the problem, not that the event occurred.

A traffic accident isn’t a curse from God, is it? There’s always a chance of traffic accidents happening. For example, if ten million people travel during Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving), there’s a probability that 5 to 10 people might die in traffic accidents. It’s because so many people are moving during Chuseok. Then we should research ways to reduce these accidents. By improving the system, we can reduce fatalities from 10 to 5, from 5 to 3, but it’s difficult to completely eliminate accidents. The more people there are, the higher the probability of accidents.

If you ask why the mutation happened to your child and not to someone else’s, it might seem like a special event. But looking at humanity as a whole, at this very moment, dozens or hundreds of newborns are experiencing this. So it’s just one natural phenomenon that occurred. This phenomenon is not a curse, not a punishment, not fate, it’s just like getting hurt by a falling stone while walking down the street – it’s just one of the probabilities that can occur in the natural ecosystem that happened to you.

In such situations, a practitioner might think, ‘It’s better that it happened to me rather than to someone else.’ Think about how shocked and distressed others would have been if this had happened to them. If you’re a Christian, don’t you believe that all natural phenomena are God’s will? Then this must be God’s will too, right? If so, I can resolve to willingly accept God’s will and do what I need to do. If you have faith, you can accept it this way. From a Buddhist perspective, you should have the attitude of ‘If this karma has come to me, I will gladly accept this result.’

The next important thing is to focus on ‘how to solve this problem’ rather than constantly thinking about why this happened. If you’re walking down the street and get hit on the head by a falling sign from a rooftop, if you keep asking ‘Why was it me who got hit, not the person in front or behind?’, you’re likely to fall into mysticism. If you’re injured, you should go to the hospital for treatment first.

After getting treatment, you should investigate why the sign fell. Was it because it was a construction site? Was it due to wind? Was the sign old? You should consider these factors and think about what needs to be done to prevent such accidents. For example, being careful during typhoons, having the government replace all old signs, or establishing a system to put up protective barriers during construction to prevent debris from falling where pedestrians walk. If improvements can be made this way, it turns misfortune into fortune. If you simply think of it as fate, no improvements will be made.

In our society, there are two options for how to raise a child with such disabilities. First, if you think that you taking care of the child directly is best for the child, then you should do so no matter how difficult it is for you. Second, even if you want to take care of the child yourself, caring for a child with such disabilities might require help from someone with specialized medical knowledge. For activities like eating, defecating, receiving education, or getting emergency treatment, it might be dangerous for the child if a non-professional does these at home. In such cases, it’s better for trained professionals to take care of the child. Even if it’s hard for you to be separated from the child, for the child’s sake, you should entrust them to a specialized educational institution or care facility. You shouldn’t think based on yourself, like ‘I want to see the child’ or ‘It’s hard for me’. You should look at what’s better for the child.

If it’s better for the child to be in a specialized educational institution, but you can’t let go and keep holding onto the child, it becomes difficult for the child to become independent. And if you raise the child yourself and then later entrust them to an educational institution because it becomes too difficult, the child might have trouble adapting because they’ve become accustomed to living at home. This is because the educational institution doesn’t treat them like a mother does. Therefore, if it’s difficult for you to care for the child until the end, or if expert opinion suggests that it’s better for the child to be in a care facility, you should entrust them to a care facility and visit regularly while providing financial support. This way, you’re opening up a path for the child to live even if you’re not around. Also, you need to help them receive effective treatment when there’s an emergency. This is not abandoning the child in a care facility. It’s different from parents neglecting their child. Since you don’t know exactly what your child’s condition is, you should consult with experts and choose the best method for your child. I should be able to live happily even with such a child, and a child with such a body should be able to live happily too, right? There’s no law saying that parents with such children should live depressed until they die. You’re thinking incorrectly right now.

Your childhood was an ordinary life, and what’s happening now is also ordinary. However, how to solve this problem should be decided based on the child. If it’s best for the child’s future for you to take care of them, you should do so even if it’s hard for you. If it’s better to entrust them to professionals and provide support, you should entrust them to a specialized institution for the child’s sake, no matter how heartbreaking it is for you.

Also, you need to live your own life. You shouldn’t be ashamed while carrying your child around. Even if you entrust your child to a specialized institution, you should live your life with dignity. Thoughts like ‘Is it okay for me to live happily when I have such a child?’ are wrong. Anyone born into this world has the right to live happily and freely under any circumstances. You shouldn’t give up that right.”

“Thank you. After hearing your words, I realized that I shouldn’t be too absorbed in raising a sick child, but should try to be happy myself while caring for the child.”

“Don’t you think the child will be a little happier if you raise them with a smile? Can the child become mentally brighter if the mother is always depressed, frowning, and anxious?”

“The child will become brighter if I take care of them with a smile.”

“You don’t need to try too hard to raise your child well. If you live happily, your child will naturally grow up well. It doesn’t make sense to live unhappily yourself while hoping for your child to be happy. If Sunim were always full of worry and depression while telling you to ‘live happily,’ would that be convincing? It’s because Sunim lives with such a bright face that he has some credibility when speaking to you.”

The questions continued.

• I broke up with my boyfriend because he felt burdened by the idea of marriage. I still have feelings of attachment for the person who left because it was burdensome. What should I do?
• I’m in my second year of preparing for an exam. When my abilities didn’t meet the standard, I severely criticized myself, and my depression deepened to the point where I lived like a recluse. I’ve started preparing for the exam again, but what mindset should I have?
• I entered a seminary to become a priest in search of truth, but I was expelled after experiencing trouble with my peers. I don’t know how to live my life from now on.

By the time the conversations ended, it was well past 9 PM. Today, the live broadcast was concluded after the reflections of those who asked questions were thoroughly listened to.

Tomorrow, Sunim plans to do farm work in the morning, conduct an online live broadcast of the Korean Minutemen for Peace and Unification assembly in the afternoon, and then travel to Seoul in the evening.