“A while ago my 14-year-old son, who had been treated for brain tumor, had increased intracranial pressure and was declared brain-dead. I decided to remove life support and he passed away as a result. Looking back, I am tormented by the thought that I was a cruel mom and I’m wondering if I made the right decision. While my son was ill, I was diagnosed with fourth-stage breast cancer, ending up losing both my son and my health. What should my family do? My son’s birthday is approaching and I miss him more.”
“There is a saying that while dead parents are buried in the ground, a dead child is buried in the hearts of parents. Someone else cannot carry your pain for you and I sympathize with your hardship. I offer my condolences along with the audience here.” . Sunim pressed his palms together and prayed. So did the audience. The questioner wept.
“Thank you.”
“If this were a Buddhist gathering, I would chant Haetaljoo (a chant to liberate and lift a spirit to heaven). Since this is not a religious gathering but one for the general public, please understand that we can’t perform the religious ritual.”
“Yes.”
What has happened has happened and gone. Your son won’t come back alive even if you weep, pray to God or pay much money. The event has passed. If you continue to grieve over an irreversible past event, you will suffer greatly first of all. Second, your suffering will cause suffering to your husband, parents, your remaining children and other family members.
The Buddha said, “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.” If your son’s death is the first arrow, you and your family are being hit by the second arrow due to your reaction to the first arrow. Although you couldn’t avoid the first arrow, you don’t need to be hit by the second arrow if you are wise. It’s okay for you to grieve, feel suffering, or miss your son if those actions will bring your dead son back. If, however, you cannot reverse his death no matter what you do, you yourself should live a good life from now on. When you do that, you can prevent the secondary damages to your husband, parents and remaining children.
Logically you may agree with me but you might not be able to hear me because you are caught up in grief. But consider this. Will you be as sad as you are today in one, two, or three years? Or will you be less sad as time passes?
“I think I will be less sad.”
“Then, will you be less sad because your son comes back alive or will you be less sad even though the situation is the same?”
“I will be less sad even though the situation is the same.”
“If you will be less sad in three years even if the situation remains the same, which is better, to be less sad after grieving for three years or to be less sad right now?
“Right now.”
That’s right. It’s important to recognize that. A wise person should choose to be less sad right now instead of becoming less sad after grieving for three years.
On the other hand, what should you do from the religious perspective? You should send your son to a better place quickly. Although no one knows whether there is a spirit after death or not, most people in general think spirits exist. Depending on the religion, they say spirits go to heaven, paradise, or be reborn. Regardless of the case, your son’s spirit needs to go somewhere quickly. If mom keeps crying, lingering attachments will prevent the spirit from leaving this world. If it cannot either leave or come back, it becomes a wandering spirit. It’s like causing a second harm to your son, so you should let your son leave quickly. Otherwise, how can he go to some place, be it heaven or paradise?
No matter how a person passed away, we should say farewell to him or her. It is called ‘guiding the spirit of the deceased to the heavenly realm’. It is to send the deceased away to a good place quickly. What you as a mom should do is not cry but promptly send the spirit of your son away. For example, if you send your living son to the US to study, you will miss him, but you let him go because it is a nice place there. Likewise, you should bid farewell to your dead son even if you will miss him because he’s going to a good place. The same goes with marrying your daughter away. When you think that your loved one is going to a better place, parting will cause less sorrow.
If you’re a Christian, try to believe ‘My son is in heaven’; if you’re a Buddhist, believe ‘My son is in the Pure Land of Utmost Bliss’; if you believe in reincarnation, consider that ‘My son will be reborn into a healthy body instead of an ailing body’. Though sad, you should let your deceased son go because he’s going to a better place. Please repeat after me: “Goodbye, my son!”
“Goodbye, my son!” (The questioner was about to cry)
The questioner sobbed uncontrollably.
Will you keep holding on to your son? He will become a wandering spirit because you’re holding on to him. Which is better, making him a wandering spirit or sending him to a better place?
“Sending him to a better place.”
“As mom, you should say goodbye.”
The questioner brought up the courage and said goodbye with a loud voice,
“Goodbye, my son!” (The questioner cried.)
At the loud farewell, the audience in the screen gave her a big applause. Many people in the audience were wiping off tears.
“Good for you. Let him go and don’t cry. Saying goodbye while crying is as good as saying ‘don’t go’. Get yourself together and live your life from now on.
Don’t ever think that your decision to remove life support when your son was brain-dead was wrong. “Respect for life” is to live according to the principles of life. Killing a living being or delaying death unnecessarily is against those principles. When someone is brain-dead or close to death due to old age, prolonging life by providing life support goes against the principles of life. Therefore, you made the right decision.
Life support treatment is no more than holding on to the body. No matter how much you love someone, you should bury him or her in the ground when they die. You shouldn’t keep the corpse in a room for a month or a year because you still love that person. Some people think that their loved ones should be kept in a room instead of getting buried. It will only cause bad smell. You should have a funeral for the deceased no matter how much you love that person.
Removing ventilator from the brain-dead is good for both the patient and the surviving family. It is not wrong in the least and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.
You said you have cancer. In general, if a child dies, parents want to die also even if they are healthy, don’t they?”
“Yes.”
Then, it is a good thing that you have cancer since you wanted to die. When you try to kill yourself, it’s not an easy task. However, you will die anyway even if you don’t try to kill yourself.
The reason why I am telling you not to commit suicide is that life is not worth the trouble. If you try to commit suicide, so much work is involved—you have to buy pills, take them and suffer; or to hang yourself you have to purchase a rope, swing it over a beam, and so forth. Letting a living person live is easy and killing a living person is difficult. On the other hand, it is not easy to save someone who is about to die. It’s easy to let the person die in that situation.
To be natural is to let a living person live and let a dying person die. So, don’t worry about your cancer. Does the fear of death arise when you are dead or while you are alive?
“While I’m alive.”
Having the fear of death is the proof that you are alive. Although we don’t know for sure whether you will live one or ten more years, if your cancer is serious, will you die sooner or later than people who die of natural causes?
“I think I may die sooner.”
Your life would be shorter than others’. Then, which is better, to live with suffering or to live happily? It may be okay for other people to live with suffering since they will live longer, but shouldn’t you live more happily because your life will be shorter? What do you think? Which is better, to keep crying, lamenting that you will die in a year, or to live your life smiling even if you have only one day to live?
I would rather live my life smiling.
“Then smile from now on because you will die sooner than others. If other people ask you, ‘Why are you smiling when you have cancer?’, then answer like this,
“It’s because probably I will not live as long as you will. You may have time to get mad or cry but I don’t have enough time even to smile. So, I have to smile.”
Say like that and live smiling, starting today. I know it’s not easy, but am I right or not?”
“You are right. (Laughs)
The shorter your life is, the more you should smile. If you are to die tomorrow, you should smile all day long today. There is not enough time left to smile. Even if you have only one year to live, you should always live happily. You have no time for tears.
“Thank you. I understand.”
From the religious viewpoint it’s not such a bad thing for you to die in one year; it’s a rather good thing because you get to see your son soon. But, you don’t need to hasten your death, either.
“If I live long, it’s good to spend time with my family and if I die when my time comes, it’s good to meet my son in heaven.”
If you think like that, there is no problem. As long as you are alive, however, you should live smiling instead of crying foolishly like you are doing now. How about changing your perspective like this?
“Okay.”
“You should have smiled when you answered. Smiling is more important than giving an answer. Please remember two things; first, say goodbye to your son; second, you should smile more often because your life will be shorter. Let’s try again. Say, ‘Goodbye, my son.’”
“Goodbye, my son.”
“Good. This time say ‘I’ll live my short life smiling’”
“I’ll live my short life smiling”
“Good. Please give her a round of applause. You go ahead and smile. Now I can see some smile around your lips. Though you’re still tearful, you’re smiling. (Laughs)”
Sunim also clapped loudly, encouraging the questioner. Comments of encouragement poured in in the chat box.
Besides this question, there were a variety of questions including a question by an elementary school student who asked about friendship, one by a man in his 40s who was worrying about making ends meet, one by a Christian who was curious about life after death, one by a son-in-law who had issues with his father-in-law, and one by a woman in her 30s who asked about how not to get irritated with her children. After responding to eight questions, Sunim asked for the questioners’ comments. The woman who lost her son gave her comment without tears.
“I will get up the courage again as you told me. I won’t distress my family with the second arrow but live wisely.”
“Please give her a round of applause.”
Sunim and the audience gave her encouraging applause.
