I am a single woman in my 40s. Among the men I’ve dated recently was a man who was living a quiet life, like going to the library and studying English after work. I dated him because I thought we had similar hobbies but it turned out he was afraid of socializing. There was another man I dated because he was socially active but it turned out he lied about his alma mater and his job. I also dated a man because he was funny like a comedian and talked honestly about aspects of himself that could be construed as flawed. But he got drunk and called me very early in the morning, which was very annoying. Meanwhile, my female friends are busy raising their kids.
I want to make friends with single men. I mean, I just want to be friends with men but they say that they don’t want to be friends. I just need friends of a similar age who can spend time with me in the evenings or on weekends. What should I do?
You talk so directly, not shy at all.
Sunim started the conversation with a big laugh.
The three experiences you just shared are really good experiences. They could be topics for Dharma talks. If I had such experiences, I would have already been enlightened. If you marry a man because he seems to show leadership and is strong-willed, you will find that he acts like a dictator at home. If you marry a man because he speaks kindly and is like a friend, you will find that he is good as a friend but not as a husband and it will be like raising a child because of his fickle mind and dependency. If something is soft, it is not strong, and if something is strong, it is not soft. This is life. The experiences you described are perfect examples for my Dharma talk. If you had married one of those men, it would have been a disaster.
But most people get married like that. If you marry a man for his quiet demeanor, you will find that he is not socially active. If you marry a man for his lively personality, you will find that he lies and he is slapdash. And if you marry a man for his sense of humor, you will find that he calls you in the middle of the night. many of the people who are watching this Dharma Q&A right now also married like that, so they have hard time after getting married.
If you marry someone because he is gentle, you shouldn’t demand that he be strong. If you marry someone because he is strong, you shouldn’t demand that he be gentle. People are not all-powerful or perfect. But after finding one person, you demand that he be everything. That is impossible. Think about this: would a man who has a good personality, a stable job, and good looks remain single until he is 40, or would he be married already?
Probably he would be married.
If your wish is to come true, you need to date a married man. Because only married men can meet your requirements. Do you want to cause conflict in someone else’s family by going out with a married man?
No, I won’t date a married man.
But there is no other way but dating a married man, if your wish is to come true. I am telling you that a man who is good looking, financially secure, and good natured and won’t want to marry you is bound to be a married man.
That’s why I don’t have friends now. I want to make friends with someone who satisfies those conditions but is not married.
If someone who satisfies such conditions is still single past the age of 40, there is a high possibility that he has some problems, such as character flaws. I am not saying that this is always so, but there is a high probability. So you need to change your perspective like this:
“If he is quiet, it will be all right for him to have social anxiety.”
“If he is very outgoing, it will be all right for him to be a little dishonest. I can put up with that”
“If he is funny, it will be all right for him to call me at three in the morning.”
If he calls you early in the morning, you can put the receiver down and go back to sleep. Only when you have such an attitude can you make friends. If you try to pick a man like you do, excluding this person for this reason and that person for that reason, you won’t find anyone who suits your requirements in this world. I’m not saying that there is no one, but I am saying that there is no one who meets your requirements.
I’m not trying to get married, I just want to make friends.
Married men would be busy with their work and can hardly cope with their wives and families, so why would they want to make friends with you? A married man would go out with you probably to have fun, whereas a single man would go out with you with marriage in mind. But you don’t want to go out with a married man and want to go out with a single man who is not interested in marriage—it is difficult for you to find such a man. Maybe men in their 20s might meet your requirements? Go out with a man who is 20 years younger than you or an old widower who is 20 years older than you. Going out with such a person isn’t necessarily bad. I am saying that only those people can meet your requirements.
So stop being so unrealistic! You want something that is impossible. Otherwise you should change your perspective.
“A man who has social phobia will be all right.”
“A man who lies a little will be all right. A little bit of lying between friends will be all right.”
“It will be all right for a friend to call me early in the morning.”
“A man who is 20 years my junior will be all right.”
“A man who is 20 years my senior will be all right.”
It’s all right because you just want to make friends and don’t want to get married. If you broaden your perspective like this, you can make friends. Unless you change your perspective, don’t dream of making friends.
There is another way you can make friends actually. Why don’t you enroll in the Happiness School programs? You can make friends without forging any special relationships while studying at Happiness School, Jungto Society, or a church. Stop looking for someone to talk to on weekends and join Happiness School. Don’t ask your friends who are raising kids to spend time with you. There is a lot of volunteer work to do at Happiness School. Making others happy is rewarding. Or you can do volunteer work for other volunteer organizations.
If you engage in such activities, you won’t have time to agonize over the problem you just described. All you will be able to think about will be: “When I have time, I will just sleep.” It is best for someone like you to come to me, because my work is endless! I am doing farm work these days and I have so much work to do, so I really appreciate people coming and helping me. So stop talking nonsense and do some volunteer work!
“Yes, I will. Thank you.”
